I am glad to see someone else agree with my idea that LD spouses MAKE their spouses undesireable. Here is the way I see things happening:
1) LD gives crap for desire to HD spouse(and the LD spouse KNOWS this). 2) The HD spouse trys to fix things by "Changing" and jumping through all the hoops set up by the LD. 3) What the LD sees is a spouse with no Spine, someone that has violated their own integrity.
Result is: How can a LD spouse find their HD spouse attractive when the HD spouse will accept crap from them!
I agree with your premise about what happens but not with your first sentence: the LD partner MAKES the their spouse undesirable.
Look, my husband can't make me do anything. He'd prolly love it if he could. lol
I did this to myself. I accepted the crap and set up the lowest common denominator, from which he operates. Who can fault HIM? If your boss said, I will pay you X amount regardless of the amount of work you do, would you really be out there busting your tail every day?
I take the blame for allowing myself to become an undesirable partner. Plain and simple.
He did what any of us would have done in similar circumstances.
I can only hope that he is willing to step up to the plate and be a full performer again. Who knows!
You are correct, the LD partner does not MAKE us do these things. We do them, it is the natural reaction to find something that pleases the LD spouse. We naturally bend over backward to try to boost their deisre for us. So we are not made to do anything, it just naturally happens. However, now that we have read PM, we now know that we must AVOID this. We must do what comes UNNATRUALLY, and that is to hold on to our own integrity no matter what the LD spouse does. Harder done then said.
In my situation, I unknowingly put some things into practice. I got tired of trying to do what I thought was right in pleasing my H so I said (excuse my language) Fuk it..... I started hanging out with friends, took a class that had always intrigued me and finally rippled the pond last weekend in confronting him with my needs and desires. Not all at once mind you, but somewhat. He now knows I'm tired of the "same old crap" and once I did that, it made it a little easier to confront him with other things.
Maybe you need to ripple the pond a little at your house
Quote: I got tired of trying to do what I thought was right in pleasing my H so I said (excuse my language) Fuk it..... I started hanging out with friends...
I did the same thing, sort of, without really knowing it. About 3 years ago I got into building and flying model airplanes. Spent lots of time in the basement workshop. Joined a local club, went to meetings. Not to mention the time I spent at the field flying. Now, initially, I was operating from a position of fusion, although I would not have known what to call it... I was just saying, "I gotta get outa here... get a life... do SOMEthing for mySELF." So I did. I think over time this helped me differentiate, although again I didn't know just what I was doing. I can tell you that when W and I were seeing a C during this time, she brought up my modeling activities to complain about them, but both the C and I were baffled as to WHY W was objecting, since I was ALSO spending as much time as I could with HER. W couldn't explain it either, and I guess had a minor confrontation with herself over it, because she eventually became more accepting of it...
I know what you mean. Actually I think he could care less that I am not home bugging him LOL, but when I think about it, he is interested in what I am doing. I have been making atire to belly dance in, and he has been interested in that. I actually got him to commit to go to a dinner and show with me later this month. I think he is trying, slightly. Last weekend when I talked to him he now realises I am pretty unhappy with what it going on at home. The whole roommate thing. I don't want to make it seem like I want everything "Right Now Dammit" but I expect to see some improvement. I hope to talk to him about sex and preferences this weekend. We never really did "talk" about sex before. And being that we have not been sexual in the past 10 yrs or so, with the exception of a couple of oral episodes which was hard for me to get into, I really don't know him physically. I plan on changing that We need to talk about these things, get em out in the open.
Annette, Truly that is the hardest part. I remember when we first started talking I couldn't even say the words make love, let alone sex. It all felt so awkward and as if I was speaking to my grandma! That first conversation was by FAR the hardest, in terms of getting started and being nervous, etc. After that the ice had been broken and we had something to build on.
I wish you LUCK; I know you will do well. He is intrigued by you so that is a big plus!
One thing I realized is that I have become fused to my kids and my house and my life as a mother lately! It should not feel THAT good to get out of the house for an evening, lol!
