H does say quite often how lucky he is. In fact he told me last night that his favorite thing about me is the fact that I never turn him away when he wants a hug or some affection. I am always open and loving and welcoming to him. (inside I couldn't help but think, Then wouldn't ya want to be the same towards me knowing how much you value it?!?! But I resisted and took the compliment instead..)
I too have a hard time keeping clothes on. I tell ya if I didn't have two little ones underfoot all day, I don't think I'd be clothed either! He does tell me I'm beautiful but he has admitted that he does not find the look sexually appealing. He really and truly likes me skinny--that is his preference and I am okay with it too--so this is a change for him to see my belly extended. Not to mention the little person moving around in there all the time.
Oh well I have GOT to do something productive with my day or I will completely lose all patience with this day.
Thanks for your thoughts and your wife is so damn lucky to have a man who thinks the sun rises and sets by her.
I thought of one more question. You mentioned that this time of our lives has much to do with his willingness to work on changing himself. I am wondering how long this phase lasted for you? At what age did you start to feel the job pressure lessen? He is 37 now, btw.
I think that I could successfully force him into the growth cycle NOW but I wonder if that would be sadistic on my part. I am willing to live with the fantastic progress we have made--for the time being--as long as I know that at some point in the near future he would be willing to address my needs.
hearing "I will never do that and you can give up on it" was not my idea of him meeting me halfway the lousy nonpassionate son of a......oops. Gettin carried away again.
Quote: "I will never do that and you can give up on it"
HP.... Since when does a little word like "never" bother you so much? My advice is to go out with your sisters tonite, linger a little longer and give him a chance to miss you. Come home with a mysterious, cheerful demeanor, go to sleep and drop the sex stuff for a day. J---who wishes she could tag along w HP PS... when exactly is this baby due? Boy/girl? Any names picked out? ( Sorry guys, this is girl stuff)
J, I don't know! It's not like he hasn't ever said that exact same thing to me before!
And being the tenacious gal that I am, I don't know why I am letting it eat away at me. I guess it is a combo of the (false) belief that he really wanted me last night and then only to find out that OOPS I was delusional, as well as his overly dramatic statement has me in a dither.
Regarding my plans for the evening, that is exactly what I was planning on doing! I always have so much fun with the girls that no matter what kindof mood I am in prior to our monthly hookups, I feel better afterwards. Oh and he will be sleeping when I get home and I have already asked him to not wait up for me. (as if I had to say that, LOL!) That way I can just come home and for once not deal with the will we or won't we bedtime routine.
The baby....ah, now we are onto a good topic!
I do not know whether it is a boy or girl and will not find out. Didn't with the other two, either. Baby is due in the third week of September; I hesitate to give a due date cause I am always up to two weeks late so who knows when he/she will actually arrive.
We have NO names picked out! I can't believe we agreed on two names already...it seems those were the only two that existed that we will agree on, lol. Seriously we have no time to even discuss it. We have to get mad at our 4yo to even be able to complete a sentence with each other, let alone have a conversation. She is bad about interrupting us when she senses that no one is paying attention to her. This is a hard habit to break in little ones, I am catching on to that fast!
I do like traditional names though so it will likely be in that vein. No Cheyennes or Peyton's for us.
HP said: --------- I thought of one more question. You mentioned that this time of our lives has much to do with his willingness to work on changing himself. I am wondering how long this phase lasted for you? At what age did you start to feel the job pressure lessen? He is 37 now, btw. ---------
At about 47 when I begin to demand that the wife address the sex issue, in earnest. That is when I heard for the 100th time what I had been missing in her emotional needs department. I finally realized that I had contributed to the state of chaos. Well, DUH. You can go back and look at my early posts to see the levels of anger I was functioning at.
Even Michele told me to address the anger.
Hey, she owed me!!! How could she bait and switch like that!! It can't be my fault, I have given her everything!! All wrong.
We BOTH were at fault. That seems almost always to be the case.
So, wait for the new little one to get settled in. Then dig in until he gets it. Just try to do it in a better way than I did.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
HoneyPot, I meant to add that your hubby doesn't need to wait so long as me to wake up. Just in case I didn't make that clear.
I have had 3 hours sleep in the last 50 or so hours, and won't see a bed before 3:00 am tomorrow morning. So I am beginning to get a touch fuzzy around the edges :-) My work can still be very demanding at times, BUT, my lovely wife and I have already made some alternative plans for some time together :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Barney said: -------------- I agree with you. But I can't help but wonder if it's easier for you to see after having sex for 13 out of 14 days (or is it 16 out of 17 now)? --------------
We have been having routine sex for a while now. We still have arguments and experience other normal human behaviors :-)
In another post I wrote about how frequency, with a good attitude, even if the performance isn't akin to the 1812 overture, can "grease the skids" a bit. I had, however, addressed my anger and my shortcomings in her emotional needs department before all this transpired.
What you see here now is the result of a process over time. We did not get here easily or overnight. We worked hard at it just like everyone else here. I am unaware of any quick fixes for marital difficulties. I wish I knew a few tricks. All I can share here is observation based on my own experience and mistakes, both derived and actual.
To directly answer your question, I think it is easier for anyone to address personal issues when they are feeling particularly good about themselves :-)
I have been monitoring your progress. I know I am excited for you. I think everyone here is.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
So glad things have worked out so well for you. I think in every marriage/relationship, no matter how good it is, there are going to be differences and arguements.
BTW I am working on hubby, taking it slow. Don't wanna overload him to much all at once.
Update: Last night, I went out with my sisters and it really did me a world of good.
I did not tell my H where I was going, only that I would be out of the house for about 3 hours. I know this sounds deceitful or game-playing but I really just didn't want to tell him! I can't explain it properly except to say that my life is an open book. I am here ALL DAY LONG with the kids and there is no chance of there ever being any mystery to me. He has no worries about where I will be, who I will talk to, etc. I think that this reinforces his sense of security as well as his feelings of addressing things when he feels it is "time". Right now, there is no hurry, kwim.
So when he asked where I was going I just blurted out that I would be gone for a while and would be back at nine. I surprised even myself. I am NOT a game player (am pretty direct, in case you haven't noticed lol) so he did not think that I was being manipulative but I know that it was majorly getting his curiosity up. He is not a snooping type or the type to 'demand' where I would be. So he just said, Ok, and left it at that. But I knew the gerbils were spinnin in his head.
So I was dressed to go out in tennis shoes, a tshirt and cutoff shorts (this was a bbq joint we were going to after all) when at the last minute I decided to change clothes and look nice. Now, truth be told, I wanted to look nice because I hadn't seen 2 of my sisters in a while and did not want their latest memory of me to be a preg frump walking thru the door. So I put on a black halter top and shorts. Looked pretty good! When H saw that, those gerbils were working overtime. He even said (in that joking but not really way) "don't talk to any strangers, now". LOL, as if a 29 week pregnant woman is alluring to any man out there!
But it still made me chuckle to myself. I went out and had a good time and enjoyed myself. When I came home, my girls had missed me so bad and wanted me to lay down with them in their bed (which I never do) while they fell asleep. So I did and ended up falling asleep myself. H left me in there until I stumbled to bed at midnight. No sex but I feel a million times better today than I did.
I think I needed some time alone and away from this house, something to refresh mySELF that does not center around whether H will want sex or not. I know I need to do this more often but it is easier said than done at this point in my life.
I do know one thing, though. It was obvious to me that I was suddenly more attractive in H's eyes when I was doing something for myself. This might be a key that I have been overlooking.
I am not giving up on the desire issue. It is simply too important to me. The last couple days have proved that. He can either reach deep inside himself and find a way to express that desire, or he will lose 1. my desire for him; 2. my love for him; and 3. my commitment to this union.
I don't yet know how I am going to implement all this (I can talk til I'm blue in the face with him and he makes temp changes and then goes right back to his previous behavior) but having two bad days and then one really nice night has strengthened me to go for what I want and deserve.
After all, what does it say about how I feel about myself if I routinely settle for less than that? How should I expect him to feel towards me if he sees me treating myself that way and accepting his crap form of desire?
Dave and Tim I know you will smack me for this but don't you think that is a large part of the LD person's lack of desire? If they offer crap desire and we take them up on the offer, they have just lost respect for us.
I want to build up the respect my H has for me again. I know he respects me greatly as a mother and housewife and companion but lover.....? I don't know about that.
Gotta run; everyone have a grand Friday and thanks for reading!
