Hi, I'm new here and just wanted to let you know I appreciate your situation.(sorry this is a little long) I have been married to my H for 10yrs. and together for 12. I just found out about a year ago that my husband looks at porn on the internet. At first I was really mad because he never invited me to look with him. Our marriage has always been sex starved he is very LD and he is diabetic which he belives is making him lose sensation. And here he was in secret looking at these women and not me. So I decided to make the best of the situation and let him know I am totally ok with porn and would like to be included. He was open about this for a while. I would look at what he looked at while I was away and it kind of turned me on. This led to more sex, I would say ML but that isn't what it was. After a while I noticed that he looked at a very specific body type, not mine. So one night I broke down and cried to him about it and told him it hurt my feelings (I know this isn't the best thing to do). This created a situation where he got a little better at hiding the porn. He eventually got a laptop and I got curious and found he had actually kept a folder!!! And links to web sites to get rid of user history. As far as I had ever been aware he had only looked not collected. This led to the TALK. We for the first time ever talked about a split. I couldn't handle the sneaking any longer, I felt I was being lied to. We talked about the issue and found that my husband has HUGE guilt issues with sex in general. He grew up in a very conservative family and sex was never spoke of and if porn was found it was shamed. He really opened up and told me he had been renting porn in secret. I asked him if I had ever done anything in the past to make him think I didn't like to watch porn too? He said no it was just his own guilt issues. He really wants to work through this and understands there are lots of ways to ML and be intimate. We found that we have different definitions of words and ideas. The next day I found this web site and was just in shock! The SSM section is one of the largest. It is a problem in lots of marriages and to find how many other women are HD with LD husbands. I came home that night and had him read some of the posts. He sat there and cried. He seems to REALLY "get it" and as a result has been so open and willing. I am very greatfull to all of you. Thank you for sharing Rache.
Hi Rache007 - I am just reading through some of the posts - as I have been doing for my sanity these last few days - and I happend to stumble across yours. Your situation is a lot like mine. The only difference is that my H has actually pursued some of the grls he has discovered online. He likes to get these things called exotic body to body rubdowns plus more . When I discoved this I was crushed to say the least. To me this is a form of adultery/infidelity. Especially when that proverbial "thin line" is crossed. This afternoon I discovered my misreable H had a visit to the seedy little cheap Motel 6. I drove 40 miles there tonight (with my little ones in two) to get a copy of his guest receipt. I don't know why I have this compulsive need to gather "evidence". Well to no avail, the manager would not release the info to me. Rache007, I went OFF right in the lobby. I have never done anything like this before. I consider my self a rather dignified and poised individual. Oh well, he## came flying out of me tonight! This whole thing must be getting to me. Everytime I discover that he's had another risque rondevous I begin to seethe with intense fury! THis is not good. All that said...keep your eyes open and make him communicate with you. You don't want the "peep show" to turn into the real deal. That causes soooo much pain and agony.
I am in total disagreement with the others. It is infidelity and if you talk to men who have taken their life a step further, it started witn porn. Porn is ruining many marriages and when you get rid of it your sexual life is so much better. Also would you want your daughter doing what these girls are doing? Hopefully not and that alone is enough reason to eliminate it from your life. There are many studies that point to porn as the start of all sorts of horrible criminal acts.Porn is a way of separating from oneself and keeping true intimacy out of marriage. I am so saddened by others comments and wonder how one justify such acts. Read anything Patrick Carnes and he talks something he calls false intimacy. He is the leader in this area. Also if you are uncomfortable, isn't that enough for you? Set some boundaries and get him some help. He sounds sexually addicted to me. Leslie
Quote: I am in total disagreement with the others. It is infidelity and if you talk to men who have taken their life a step further, it started witn porn.
I am not pro-porn, but you can call it infedelity in the same way that looking on a woman with lust is. Unfortunately, most men look on women with lust, and I don't know too many men who don't look at porn at all.
Personally - and again I'm not pro-porn, I think men and women in the workplace together is more dangerous than a man who looks at porn is (as far as affairs and such).
I would bet that nearly 100% of men with the internet look at some porn. And if you aren't willing to be with a man who does look, then don't get married. Because most guys I know - including Christians and such, have looked at some point (or do occasionally or frequently).
I have to put my 2 cents in here. I think I am going to voice the unpopular vote, but here goes! Why would anyone think porn is OK? True, I take a Christian stand on this issue, but I felt this way about porn even before I was a Christian. It has affected my life, because my H has a sex addiction and feels the need to get his "fix" despite my feelings. How can anyone feel that depicting women as nothing more than "pieces of meat" solely used for the purpose of feeding a man's sick fantasy "normal and ok"? That could be your daughter, your sister! Aren't we as human being's worth more than that?
Not to mention, statistics show that pedophiles and rapists most always start with porn before "working their way up" to committing their crimes. You tell the mother of that molested child that porn is OK and normal. If you have anyone close to you that has been brutally raped, you tell HER that porn is just fine in this society, that because women are depicted as just a source for men to pleasure themselves, she DESERVED what happened to her. After all, if women are pieces of meat it doesn't matter what happens to her, because men deserve to be perverts!
I fail to understand why society as a whole has given up all decency. I am 35 and I think alot of you are older and from a generation that did not tolerate this sort of thing. In my opinion, I think the lifestyles of yesterday were much more healthier and responsible. Is the hedonistic, immoral, self-gratifying world of today so fabulous to people that they throw away common morals?
Yes, there are men who view porn that never cheat or rape. But check the stats on infidelity...and the internet connection of porn and available people willing to risk it all to make their "fantasies" come true. Porn is a CHOICE! So is infidelity. So maybe if it's OK with you that your H is viewing porn, maybe it's his choice to cheat on you, too. That should be ok as well.
The biblical verses say it well: Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Yes, men look at women, but it is when they don't control their feelings of lust, that it is adultery. This society is so full of excuses. Everyone gets to act like an animal or caveman and we deem it OK in the name of "political correctness"! When are we going to be responsible? With all the technology we have, women are still cheap ho's to be used and discarded. I am not a women's lib person, I just believe we are all human and we all should be treated with respect. Society may accept it...but it doesn't make it right! It's adultery, and no matter how much you try to pretty it up, it's still unacceptable to God...and to ME! Life is short on this earth, but eternity is forever. I feel so sorry for people who think gratifying every whim they have, no matter how disgusting, is right.
Biblically, or just from a woman's viewpoint...porn is a choice and someone needs to set that straight. I know many men (who AREN'T Christian!!!) who refuse to look at porn or lust after every female that passes. Nothing at all "wrong" with them. They have just made a choice. Life is all about choices...we need to stop making excuses for every choice made.
As far as Christianity...if anyone reads their bible, they would see that the world is paying the price for self-gratification. Odd how something written so long ago could predict actual happenings today, and so many still doubt it. HIV, STD's, abortion, war, I could go on and on. We are reaping what we sow. Marriage happens to be a huge casuality. Families, as a whole. All so people can be the "me, me, me" selfish creatures that society reassures them it is just fine to be. Deny it...it won't change a thing! This world has gone to hell already, who will argue that it is so much better than generations past???
I am sure many of you will disagree with me. That is perfectly fine. We are all entitled to an opinion, and that is mine. Just don't try to pull the wool over anyone's eyes by telling them it's a man's "right" and is perfectly normal. It's adultery and it's disrespect. Don't take it from me...ask your Creator!
Debi - my take on this is to recommend that rach007 set up a very healthy boundary on this activity. Cloud and Townsend's book "Boundaries in Marriage" brings up this very topic and illustrates a very positive approach - one which shows a loving and concerned attitude by the W but letting her H know that he would have to give up the pornography and seek help or she would leave the M.
Rach - we haven't heard from you in a while. Can you update us?
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
I am not pro-porn per se' - the world would go on absolutely perfectly without it. However, the fact is, most men look at it. If you are wanting a man who doesn't look - well, either they say they look or they hide it. I am sure there are some men who don't, but I don't know of any. When I was married, my H was a Christian - so he hid it whenever he might look. I think my original point had been...if you leave someone because they look at porn, the chances are that the next guy will be looking as well. Whether he admits it or not.
And if * most * men look at it - then it would make sense that most molestors/pedophiles have as well (though probably more of the kiddie pornography, which is NEVER okay). If I was with someone looking at that type of stuff, I would leave and not look back.
I personally don't think that porn is what starts most affairs. Many, many affairs start in the workplace. It doesn't have to do with porn, it has to do with connecting with someone, and spending a lot of time with them.
Rape is a violent act, I don't even know if it's considered a sexual one per se. It's about power - violence, not sexuality.
Anyway - if all porn went away, I'd be thrilled. But the average guy who is looking at it isn't raping women. Nearly every guy looks at porn - and if you want one who isn't, then you might as well just stay away from men. Some look occasionally, others often - but nearly all look. And heck - it doesn't even have to be porn. Men can get turned on by fully clothed women as well.
. When I discoved this I was crushed to say the least. To me this is a form of adultery/infidelity. Especially when that proverbial "thin line" is crossed. This afternoon I discovered my misreable H had a visit to the seedy little cheap Motel 6. I drove 40 miles there tonight (with my little ones in two) to get a copy of his guest receipt. I don't know why I have this compulsive need to gather "evidence". Well to no avail, the manager would not release the info to me. Rache007, I went OFF right in the lobby. I have never done anything like this before. I consider my self a rather dignified and poised individual. Oh well, he## came flying out of me tonight! This whole thing must be getting to me. Everytime I discover that he's had another risque rondevous I begin to seethe with intense fury! THis is not good. All that said...keep your eyes open and make him communicate with you. You don't want the "peep show" to turn into the real deal. That causes soooo much pain and agony.