You have two separate problems: 1. You're horny. 2. Your husband's actions/rejections make you feel undesirable.
The first one can be taken care of with "C" cell batteries. At least, that's what I've gathered. You don't feel like doing more with H after taking care of yourself.
The second one also requires some effort on your part. Whenever you feel unattractive, FORCE yourself to recall that you actually know better.
If you had an affair that would only serve as an ego boost - a lift for your own vanity.
This, I believe, is what you can do to take care of yourself. Next on the list is what to do about ol' slugwort. And that's easier to deal with when you aren't upset or feeling needy. Be sure to get that order right: Take care of you first. Then try to resolve the other.
I wish you well. I also wish I had a wife who prayed and wanted me.
First of all, my H hates it when I say things like, "Where did that come from?" when he is being affectionate or trying to meet my needs. I KNOW this and I can certainly see why he would feel that way, and yet I hear these idiot remarks popping out of my mouth more times than I can count.
Maybe try to retrain yourself to just say "thank you!" when he gives a good kiss, or "mmm, that was nice!" I think if the LD partner senses that we are trying to pinpoint where there motives lie--horniness or affection--it flips a switch in them to DEFINITELY not horny. (and any LD person is welcome to jump in here and either confirm or deny this..) Just enjoy it for what it is. That is really all he wants from you--acceptance and love.
Then, say what you mean. I have a REALLY hard time with this one, too, so I hope you know that I am advising myself here as well as you. If you want to ML, ask for that, not for cuddling. These "code words" that we HD people use are not going over the LD person's head--they know exactly what is being asked of them. Specifically for the guys, cuddling can mean (and usually does!) "can we cuddle and I hope you get hard so we can take it further"..
He sees right through this and was obviously not in the mood to play games. My only advice in this situation is to read his signals and go with the flow. If you sense an opening, GO FOR IT. If not, maybe wait til the next night. I know it doesn't do much for your own horniness but until you have the conversation in which you tell him exactly how much sex you are wanting from the relationship, I think you will have to take whatever you are getting. There is nothing to "hold him to" if you have never voiced any opinion other than wanting 'more', which is pretty vague, kwim?
Incidentally I pray too for sex, which really surprised my LDH a while back. My prayer goes something like this: "Lord, please allow H to open his mind and body to me." Short and sweet.
I also agree that it is harder being an HD female, though probably not by much. Imagine how frustrating it would be to have society basically SUPPORTING your partners low libido and stupid sitcoms making jokes about how funny it is to reject your husband!!
I hope that you are able to get to a place soon where you can look in the mirror and see what a sexy lady you are, with or without H's validation. Plus, confidence is very sexy so maybe he will react to that!
Was your H ever complimentary towards your sexuality? At what point did it start to taper off?
Thanks Tom and J.. Well first I wanted to clear something up. I was not praying for sex. I pray everynight before I go to sleep..Okay I might miss once in awhile but I try to everynight. I did pray that he help me with what ever it is that I need to be learning and that I feel hurt and rejected and don't know how to get through these feelings I asked him to guide me and provide me with the tools to live the way he see's fit.. I believe things are the way in our lives for a reason so there must be a lesson here for me just don't know what it is and it's driving me nuts!!!! Also J I wanted to let you know awhile back I realize that he was using cuddling and ML as the same thing. So I cleared that up with him awhile back and let him know when I want to cuddle, thats it I just want cuddle. So he knows were I stand on the diffrence I don't use the two together unless I want both.. Also I wasn't trying to do anything sexual with him like I said before I am trying to act like I'm not in the mood.. I am so tired of doing things when he wants to. And he knows he has me all he has to do is ask. Maybe that's part of the problem I'm to easy. He doesn't have to work at being with me I'm always ready with bells on. So he doesn't have to work at it at all.. Make sense? Also I don't understand because he doesn't give much FP at all. Not very often or very long.. I do on the other hand almost everytime.. I only O maybe 1 time out of 5 so why do I care so much if we do anything anyway?? I feel like he is selfish when we do and most of the time I end up being hornier (don't know if that is a word) than when we started.. I appreciate you all talking to me about this I just don't know what to do.. And I have put in so much effort in the past I feel burnt out in that area.. I bet we have tried almost everything at least once well between two people anyway not anymore.. So what am I don't wrong.. And yes I try to tell myself all the time I am sexy and I love to dress that way on the weekends.. Not through the week for my job.. But just little things that help me feel sexier. I do that for me not him.. Thanks for listening I feel like I am just carrying on and on but feel so hurt, rejected and lost.. ;-)
I know it's difficult. My situation is very similar. It's very hard on the ego and self image when you're constantly rejected. But for me, the feeling of constantly being the only one working at it is just drainig. It's more than self esteem; it just seems to drain the spirit. You're constantly working. You're constantly looking for signs and trying to analyze every little nuance to see if you're getting through. You're always torn between trying to spark some interest and trying to maintain some dignity. Like you, I myself have been to the point where I feel burned out - like it's just not worth the effort. All I can say is to hang in there.
I have nothing to offer, no advice to dispense, no magic bullet. But I do want you to know, you and anyone else who has commented on this board, I don't know any of your real names, but I have written down your screen names and I make a special effort to pray for each of you by name every evening. I know how difficult it is, and even though I don't know who you are, God does.
Thanks widebube I appreciate you letting me know I am not alone. Just talking to me helps and is appreciated so please don't feel like you have nothing to offer.. Kindness is appreciated here.. ;-) Yes I feel as I'm exhausted also.. What gets me is last night I know he was in the mood well pretty sure he was.. And he would not tell me and of course I am not intiating so he went to bed horney and so did I. I am so tired of the ball being in his court and this has been really hard because I want to and then when I know he does too and just won't say so.. Gosh I guess I will give it some time.. I donno what else to do.. I do feel rejected and it hurts.. There's nothing like being rejected over and over by the person that said they wanted to spend the rest of thier lives with ya.. Thanks for listening and posting I appreciate the support from everyone.. And if anyone has any suggestions I am open to them.. ;-)
