well i had a little back slide last night..and today The hubby was painting and i told him i was going to go online and check my emails ect.. OM does not know my email address. Anyway I signed on and immediately loaded up my messengers and checked the chatrooms. he was signed in but away, and luckily he didnt message me, and i didnt him. I felt awful though and after coming here signed off. The hubby asked me if i talked to him, and I said no, but that i did bring up the messenger. This ofcourse upset him and he said that i needed to stop this. He is so right I cant believe that i can be so upfront with him and not change. And... here I am again today.. The hubby was supposed to take the modem with him so that i didnt have access all day, but he forgot it because he got up late I'm not supposed to be online, but here i sit.. the only positive thing is I waited until i knew for sure that OM would not be on... but i did check to see if he left me any messages... he did not.. I will take your advice and read the other stories. To answer the 3 questions.
I would like to change my addiction to the Internet I would like to change my self esteem I would like to change my involvement to my children and be a better mom and a more supportive wife.
Positive things. I am a great listener... I have a good sense of humor I am a determined individual and usually very successful at projects i take on.. I love my children and tell them that every day. I am a writer(working on a novel now) I can sing, and I play guitar...
Negatives I'm a worrier I have extreme anxiety I nag a lot I am controlling I am addicted to the Internet I do not do enough activities throughout the day with my children I complain too much I am not appreciative enough of my husband and how he works so that i can stay home with my babies.. I am selfish.. I lack in confidence and therefore am sucked in when a male gives me attention...
this is where i will end for now. On a positive note for today, while avoiding getting online when i knew OM would be on I cleaned my whole kitchen top to bottom... been awhile since i did anything productive like that. I'm going to sign off now and take my children outside to play. Thank you for being so nice to me! I will come on tonight when the hubby is home and read up on the other stories.
Okay, C&S, this is a good start with what you've identified. Now it's time to make some goals out of these.
Let's start with two of the biggies, since they can be tackled at once. I'll give you the beginning part and you fill in the rest...
"I will work at being a better parent by putting up a mental stop sign when I want to get on the computer and do _____________ with my children instead."
Can you turn some of the negatives into things you want to work on, and list specifics on what you will be doing instead?
For instance, my biggest issue was how I expressed my anger. I had to list "contain my anger" as my #1 goal. I did this by instituting and enforcing a 24 hour rule by not addressing the issue I was angry about until I had slept on it. I also had to put up a mental stop sign, take a deep breath and then indulge in an activity to take my mind off the issue: play a game with the girls, ask D10 to watch D7 so I could take a bath, put in a funny movie, put on a dance CD and get the girls to dance with me, etc. You get it.
It took awhile for the discipline to become automatic. But I can tell you that I'm a very different person today than I was a year ago.
I'm looking forward to what you list. I hope you feel empowered by setting goals, and that the benefits of doing this work help you stay married and live happily.
You all deserve that.
Betsey
p.s. Is there something you do that can put you into the position of making some good and lasting friendships close to home? Perhaps the mom of one of your kids friends?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I will work on making some goals for myself...I am going to look into joining the local gym.. I know this will give me something to do, and the kids will have a blast there... The problem i'm having now is H is pulling back, i'm watching it happen. He is slowly distancing himself from me. I understand completely why.. I really dont blame him, but i cant stand the thought of losing him... (TOO Bad i didnt think more like this before OM.. I'm a mess, I need advice, I havent been able to get into town to get the books, and i dont get a lot of online time right now to read everyones stories.. i shouldnt be on right now, but i'm doing well.. It has been 3 days since i have talked to OM... Its been hard, but its what i have to do to save my marriage. I dont want to bombard H with questions of what he is thinking and to talk about it.. he has said he doesnt want to think about it right now, and i know i need to let him come to me.. but its so hard to watch him pulling away i did this to him anyway any advice on how to rebuild my relationship with him would be helpful.. Thank you...
I believe DR will help answer some of these questions for you--in addition to giving you the steps on turning this boat around. While this BB is great for moral support, DR and DB are the principles we work with. Can you print out the first chapter here to get started?
In a nutshell, now that you've opened up to your H with the truth, you are going to have to let him process what you've told him and deal with the information on his own timeline. That means you have to be patient with him AND yourself.
We humans are animals, C&S. Some of us have to run and hide to deal with the hurt. Let him figure this out on his own and he will ask you questions when he's good and ready for your answers. You and he have some hurdles to cross, and you're going to have to be as patient with him as he appears to be with you.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
thought i would check in... I havent gotten to the library but started reading the chapters here online.. thanks for the advice...
OM messaged me yesterday, i wasnt on... but recieved it later.. it said "you have forgotten me" with a sad face... I felt awful... I started typing back to him.. saying i had not forgotten him i had just been super busy, and I was working on my marriage.. I shouldnt have written anything however but in a way its good.. I wrote that and sent it, then checked my messages later and he wrote something sexual.. "i just got out of the shower" with a big grin... why didnt i see this before.... it really is all sexual.. this man doesnt know me... he just wanted to play.. and i fell for it.. i'm sooo mad at myself.. i thought he had a real emotional connection to me.. and i was the fool.. and almost risked everything problem is i didnt say to him, "dont talk to me in that way, i'm a married woman!" Nope, did i say that, instead i said "your a tease... anyway what do you have planned for the weekend." He hasnt answered.. and i hope he doesnt... I did so well last night with H, we played video games together after the kids went to bed, and he wasnt distant at all.. I brought my guitar out yesterday too and started singing again.. something i havent done since my Internet addiction... I stopped living to talk to OM... I want to live again! Thanks for listening..
alright, i read both first chapters and I have knew faith that we will work this out. I am on my way out right now to get both books. Any suggestions on which one i should read first? Thanks
The hubby was painting and i told him i was going to go online and check my emails ect.. OM does not know my email address. Anyway I signed on and immediately loaded up my messengers and checked the chatrooms. he was signed in but away, and luckily he didnt message me, and i didnt him. I felt awful though and after coming here signed off. The hubby asked me if i talked to him, and I said no, but that i did bring up the messenger. This ofcourse upset him and he said that i needed to stop this. He is so right 
Betsey 