+ next time NG has a business trip, decline accompanying him. Instead, line up evenings with friends and be out
+ be vague, smile a lot. I have a problem in wanting to be transparent. This has not worked, so maybe I'll try vague, and maybe even vacant, for a while
+ dress up more interestingly when going to work. NG is asking me more about what I'm doing during my day, so with the vagueness, the dressing up should be interesting
+ re-start gym program, pick one that has lots of singles
Quote: Most folks I know who quit are those who have been convinced beyond doubt that they will have unacceptable consequences if they continue. For every cold-turkey quitter, there probably are two or more who try, then give up and go back to smoking, because they are not convinced that the consequences will be unacceptable.
hmmm...for me (a cold turkey quitter) it wasn't the notion of unacceptable "consequences"...it was the notion that I no longer found "Sage = smoker" acceptable. IOW, it was all about self-image. I guess you could view that as consequences but it was more that I made a commitment to myself that I was no longer a smoker and breaking that commitment to ME was unacceptable. I actually decided to quit abut two months before I did (I waited until a school semester break) but for those two months I reinforced the notion in my head by calling myself "a nonsmoker who is having a cigarette". Not sure that makes any sense!
A parallel to that might be..how does NG make the commitment to himself to view himself as "faithful" or "monogamous" or "committed" and choose not to belie that. The added complexity here, though, is that of wanting to view oneself as "caring" or "not hurtful" and because of the OP there is no way to avoid hurting someone, no? So, I sometimes think that's the rub...in order to view themselves as non-hurtful, well, how do you achieve that when someone is gonna be hurt no matter what?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I love this list! But let me ask you one question... why is it necessary for more mystery? Is NG not responding to your changes? Or will it help you move past what is ailing you?
This isn't a challenge, I just want to understand what your goal in this process is.
Mysteriously,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi everyone - I'm starting early today - my last day of living at will, NG comes home tonight
Interesting Cainer cast for today
After every storm comes a time of calm. After every time of calm comes another storm. It's no use favouring one climate over another. If you want life to be truly enjoyable, you have to enjoy the wind and rain as much as the warmth of peace. Clearly, they must be appreciated in different ways for different reasons. But it IS possible to thrive in conditions some people find undesirable. And, if you can master this art, you can enjoy tranquillity much more without worrying lest it deserts you. At the moment the outlook is easy. Appreciate all that you gain this weekend... and fear no loss.
Do you think Jonathan Cainer may be related to Michele?
Now to think of the really tough questions from Betsey and Sage... Slowly
Not quite sure why, I was curious today about how this forum started, and would you believe it, we have the technology to find out. Here is Michele's inaugral thread
#294904 - 12/03/99 09:46 AM This forum is for people who have been fortunate enough to get back together with their spouses but are still trying to figure out how to have the best marriage possible. Learn from each other here. Michele
Hi Betsey - Now you have made me think again, and these brain cells are just not liking all the hard work
Quote: why is it necessary for more mystery? Is NG not responding to your changes? Or will it help you move past what is ailing you?
In most ways, NG has been awesome in his changes as a result of my changes; there is no question our R is much better that it ever was. However, he genuinely does not seem to see why his continued contact with OW is painful for me. Or perhaps more to the point, why he should maybe cease contact with OW, as he promised back in mid-March.
My reasoning is that he feels extremely confident that there is now no possibility of me risking our relationship, and that he will just continue to push the limits on what he can 'get away with'. This is of course MY reasoning.
And yes, personally, I do feel that in my best dbing efforts to create a safe environment for him, I seem to have somewhat misplaced my independence. Perhaps I could rephrase 'mystery' to 'having some personal time' - I do need some time to myself, which is a need that has been taking a back seat for the past 6 months
Do I think it will get me past what's ailing me? Aha, trick question. I've just fallen into the pattern of needing to DO SOMETHING. Oh dear. More lessons here.
Hi Sage - Your point has hit home, I'm really going to have to focus on processing this.
Quote: how does NG make the commitment to himself to view himself as "faithful" or "monogamous" or "committed" and choose not to belie that. The added complexity here, though, is that of wanting to view oneself as "caring" or "not hurtful" and because of the OP there is no way to avoid hurting someone, no? So, I sometimes think that's the rub...in order to view themselves as non-hurtful, well, how do you achieve that when someone is gonna be hurt no matter what?
I'll need to spend some time figuring out, hopefully with his participation, how he sees himself. It may be the key to this whole puzzle.
Slowly, I've never posted on your thread before though have read quite a bit of yours and I think we have some mutual BB friends as well. The reason I particularly read your posts is that we share the infuriating situation of an OW who is in picture seemingly forever.....PA ends, begins, ends, begins, and EA or contact or whatever continues on.......So I am deeply interested in your response this time.
I am usually way too available and this time around the wheel I have made the decision to pull back from that. We'll see where it leads.
Cheers and good luck with the mystery/get a life/be less available strategy. I'll be reading!
