Hi Guys - Work wise it has been an excellent day, PMA was incredibly high.
Then came the conversation with NG, he tells me he has been having several conversations with OW, and that he is still having problems letting go. He loves me very much, I should not feel insecure or frightened, but for the time being, the phone calls and emails will continue.
To be honest, I'm not sure how to react. Sure it hurts. But I'm thinking I also need to start figuring out what I need to do if independent lives are on the cards. Our finances are so intertwined, it is going to take quite a lot to unravel.
Then came the conversation with NG, he tells me he has been having several conversations with OW, and that he is still having problems letting go. He loves me very much, I should not feel insecure or frightened, but for the time being, the phone calls and emails will continue.
slowly...does he share with you the content of these communications? how does he articulate the fact that "hard to let go" must somehow equal "continued conversation". IOW (and I'm terribly sorry if this comes off as glib) -- it was hard as hell to quit smoking...but it didn't actually mean that I should/could have a cigarette during the quitting process.
I guess what I'm wondering is what is he saying about what he's getting from these continued exchange -- how is he getting benefit from them? particularly since he doesn't seem to be suggesting that he's "on the fence".
Quote: To be honest, I'm not sure how to react. Sure it hurts. But I'm thinking I also need to start figuring out what I need to do if independent lives are on the cards. Our finances are so intertwined, it is going to take quite a lot to unravel.
Thoughts, anyone?
well..frankly, it seems as though you are doing remarkably well. obviously anything that keeps him being open and honest is GOOD IMHO -- your reactions to him are clearly NOT encouraging him to go underground so kudos for that.
As for the finances, are you feeling financially vulnerable right now? I understand the desire to protect yourself and all but I fear that any sudden moves in that direction could convey fear or a lack of trust to h.
OTOH, if you're at all concerned that he could blow the 401K on a boat or something...that's a different story....
(duh -- sage is not much help here!)
How can we "DB" h's continued contact with ow? Need to start with a beginner's mind, keep doing what works, think about 180s, etc...what would you say that means right now?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Sage - You have just validated much of my own thinking, thanks! I feel more confident about the course I'm on.
Quote: obviously anything that keeps him being open and honest is GOOD IMHO
This to me has been an absolute priority. Deceit is so hard to deal with. So yes, my reactions have been to keep him comfortable in honesty. As painful as it can be at that time In terms of the content of these communications, to be honest, it is still unclear to me. And I'm not sure how to get a better handle on what is exactly being communicated.
Quote: I guess what I'm wondering is what is he saying about what he's getting from these continued exchange -- how is he getting benefit from them? particularly since he doesn't seem to be suggesting that he's "on the fence".
This is what confounds me too Why put himself through a protracted recovery phase?
Quote: it was hard as hell to quit smoking...but it didn't actually mean that I should/could have a cigarette during the quitting process.
I must find a way of getting him to be more honest with himself, this is such a useful analogy.
Quote: As for the finances, are you feeling financially vulnerable right now? I understand the desire to protect yourself and all but I fear that any sudden moves in that direction could convey fear or a lack of trust to h.
I guess yes, I am feeling vulnerable. It is all wrapped up in the issue of how sincere is NG, and just how much control does he have over his feelings? It seems to me that I cannot rely on past agreements or understandings about how we manage our assets, and perhaps before it is just too late, I need to be careful. If I was starting a brand new relationship with someone, it is absolutely what we would do. I guess I just feel that if some of the 21 year understanding is being thrown out of the window, than perhaps the others should be looked at very closely too.
Slowly, I don't know what to say. I think sage is right to start with a beginners mind and go from there.
Great job on handling this. You are strong and very smart and will figure out what you need to do from here. You have worked so hard and come so far and are a true inspiration to a lot of us on here. You will find your way.
I will be praying to find answers to help if i can Take care Believe
This response goes back to a discussion Pan and I were having about the 'new guy, new relationship' approach.
Quote: you asked on the "Friends" thread if your husband felt guilt (at a bet, yes, and a lot of it) and whether you should aquaint him of the fact that you, yourself, have let go of the old relationship and are looking to build a completely new one.
I've been pondering on this for the past few days, and have really come to a comfortable point that the approaches I use to deal with a difficult situation are just that, MY approaches. NG does not need to know, in fact, I can feel myself detaching, or maybe even distancing, from him a little as I continue to feel unsafe.
A new relationship means I truly must learn this person afresh, and so sharing at such depth is really not appropriate
You and Sage have great advise, though. I need to go back to the begining, and combine it with my leanings towards treating this as a new relationship. A timely reminder from Mak on Maya's thread
I need to create the same environment with NG, he seems to be way to comfortable that I will stick around, no matter what he does.
Slowly
I just may have taken the notion of helping NG feel safe a tad too far. I know the few times I went off on my own, he was quite perturbed. Need to inject some of that into the next couple of weeks, and see where it gets us.
Another wonderfully late lie-in Had a brainwave overnight
Quote: it was hard as hell to quit smoking...but it didn't actually mean that I should/could have a cigarette during the quitting process.
Most folks I know who quit are those who have been convinced beyond doubt that they will have unacceptable consequences if they continue. For every cold-turkey quitter, there probably are two or more who try, then give up and go back to smoking, because they are not convinced that the consequences will be unacceptable.
Seems NG fits into the latter category, perhaps? Oh what a delicate balance...
Feeling quite rested and ready to finish off a difficult document 
Slowly 
In terms of the content of these communications, to be honest, it is still unclear to me. And I'm not sure how to get a better handle on what is exactly being communicated. 
Why put himself through a protracted recovery phase? 
