How about this kind of Cainer cast to confirm that if in doubt, do nothing ?
Week commencing June 26th - Libra - The best things in life usually tend to happen in spite of our decision-making abilities, rather than because of them. Few people though, ever have the courage and humility to acknowledge this. Most just take the credit when things seem to be working out well and try to push the blame elsewhere when they are going badly. You, though, understand only too well how 'smart choices' can later turn out to have been dumb, and vice versa. That is why you take the business of making up your mind so seriously. This week though, you will reach the right destination regardless of the road you follow.
Sounds good to me, just going with the flow Slowly
Have not journaled for a while, had an interesting chat with NG this morning that I think is worth getting you guys' take on.
It started with a simple how-are-you-these-days query, and he commented his usual OK, and then added that he can see I sometimes feel insecure, but there was no need for it. That he has problems too, but feels unable to share them with me because it may be hurtful. That he does not know what to say, other than he loves me.
We kinda left it at that, and I guess I'll just see what the wind blows in next. Wonder what sort of contact with OW today triggered that particular exchange
Quote: That he has problems too, but feels unable to share them with me because it may be hurtful.
Can you let him know that you really want him to share with you, that you are willing to listen even though you know it may be hurtful? That it important that he be able to talk openly with you? They don't call it the pain of reconciliation for nothing.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Did he say what he was noticing that indicated he felt your insecurity? Reassuring you that there is no reason for you to feel this way is all well and good, but sort of invalidating--at least I feel that way.
And ARE you feeling insecure? About what? What are you doing to help yourself bridge this?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I’d try not to overanalyse it myself. He’s with you, remember? And he recognizes your feelings of insecurity at times, says he loves you, and that there isn’t anything to worry about. He obviously has no intention of going anywhere. He chose YOU.
Of course you’d like to see all contact with the OW termined immediately, once and for all. It's only natural. But he seems to want to let her down easy - probably because he feels a lot of guilt towards both of you at this moment. It's probably best not to make an issue out of it right now, and let him work through his own mess. Hang in there. Time is on your side.
Well, maybe I'm taking this patience thing too far, and maybe I'm just burying my head in the sand, but right now, I'm not sure I can handle anything difficult. I'd rather just sit the next week or so out, and see what comes my way after that. I know we have some heavy lifting to do, and am hoping my strength returns before long.
It seems straightforward to me. You "started with" a simple check in "how are you?". I think it is fair to say that your H has noticed your insecurities about the fact that he still writes or contacts OW. He KNOWS you. You have expressed your feelings here, and although you are one of the calmer DB'ers here on the board, you have had your share of questions and concerns.
Having "a talk" would be another indication for him that you have some concern. I don't find his answer invalidating.... perhaps incomplete. Finding out what he means by that might mean that, in explaining what you should NOT be worried about, he must identify the behaviors that are continuing to bother you. He might get a sense of what he needs to DIScontinue in order to assure you.
On the other hand, I cannot remind you strongly enough how important it is for you to focus on the fact that your H is HOME and has said HE IS COMMITTED TO YOU. FOCUS ON THIS!
What you focus your attention on will expand. How would you treat him if you knew without a doubt that he will never stray again? What would you be doing?
And the all time kicker..........any MYSTERY lately?
Hi Betsey - As always, your perspective is fresh, and most welcome
Quote: Reassuring you that there is no reason for you to feel this way is all well and good, but sort of invalidating--at least I feel that way.
This used to frustrate me too, until I learned to decode his particular Martian dialect. At the peak of the affair, he used to constantly refer to 'getting back to my life' as a focus, and I used to wonder where I would fit into this. Finally when I asked, his response - well YOU are my life I still cannot explain this reasoning, other than as far as he is concerned, there was never a question that we will not be together long into the future, unless I decided to leave him. And once I told him that my intention was to stay, I saw the palpable lifting of his spirits, and new energy into getting over the affair.
Quote: And ARE you feeling insecure? About what? What are you doing to help yourself bridge this?
My current insecurities are centered around two issues, confidence in my judgement when figuring out what NG is saying or doing, and what his feelings are likely to evolve into, for me and OW. The former is classic LBS problem, from what I have read. Here is someone I believed totally, how dumb was I not to see what was going on, yada yada yada. I just have to process this and move on.
The concerns about his feelings - well, I know these too will change, and that how I behave will influence the direction and depth, but not necessarily the speed. It is just that every now and then, doubt creeps in - what if he can never get over OW? He caught me weeping in the guest room one evening last week, which is what I think what triggered the exchange this morning.
I believe in the process, Betsey Getting out of my funk, Slowly
Quote: On the other hand, I cannot remind you strongly enough how important it is for you to focus on the fact that your H is HOME and has said HE IS COMMITTED TO YOU. FOCUS ON THIS! What you focus your attention on will expand. How would you treat him if you knew without a doubt that he will never stray again? What would you be doing?
Yes, I'm constantly having to remind myself that there are many positives here. For the most part, we do get on with 'normal' life, and I think that helps me stay relatively calm. We are in the midst of moving house, organising a fairly large housewarming party, and then tackle the task of selling our flat. We both carve out MUCH more time in the day to just be together. Lunch during working days - never did that before!
The thing I do need to do, and I notice when I'm upbest, so is he, is to STOP dwelling on the affair. This is so tough, it is like a scab that just invites a worrying finger, you KNOW it will heal better if left alone, but oh the urge just to peek.... This is my problem right now, and of course I process this internally, but it does effect my mood and NG picks up on it. The past few months, I've just tried to keep so busy I've not had time to dwell. But guys, I'm tired. And I think I'm ready for some long overdue mourning. I just need to work through this phase.
Quote: And the all time kicker..........any MYSTERY lately?
I do think of this, but my reading of him is that he would feel very uncomfortable. He sees himself as being very restrained, no meetings with OW at all. He calls me at all times of the day, on some pretext, but I know it is to reassure me of where he is, or more where he is NOT. If I get mysterious, he will feel unsafe, and may begin to question his 'restraint' with OW. Dunno, just my thinking. May need to re-evaluate next week, or whenever I feel more energetic.
Oh yes, he knows exactly what he needs to do to calm me down
I would kill to have my H calls me 'at all times of the day'. I think he is seeking the consolation that what he is doing is right, ie restraining his contact with OW. Remember when you told me that he needs to establish his safety net. Give him that slowly. I know some people cant do it, that it looks pathetic, but us DBers here know all full well that we are seeking who is right and wrong rather what will be a loving happy and fulfilling R in the long term.
You are doing great already...only maybe drop the A issue for a while..You have forever to dwell on the A...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Betsey 
