I know it’s all such a mess. After 28+ years of crushing despair, rejection, denial, recriminations, rationalizations, and who knows what other izations, it’s hard to grasp hold of anything concrete. These things I know:
I do love my W, in spite of everything.
I believe that M is a lifetime commitment with no promises or guarantees that everything will be rosy or that your needs and desires will be met. That’s why richer, poorer, better, worse, sickness, and health are all included – there are no guarantees.
I believe in marital fidelity. Her doing something wrong doesn’t give me any kind of license to do something equally wrong.
MB is wrong; sex is intended to be a part of the marriage relationship – not something you do solo. Porn fits into the same category, a corruption of something intended for M.
And of course I know that my W has little interest in sex and appears to actively dislike intercourse. Along with that, I know that I’ve tried everything I know to impress upon her that this is important to me and try to rectify the sitch. All to no avail.
Many times I wish I wasn’t the way I am. I wish I didn’t believe what I believe or value what I value. I wish I could hit the Yahoo! Personals and hook up with some hot woman for steamy animal sex with no strings and no regrets. I wish I could go for the big D and find another, more healthy R without feeling like I was betraying myself. In reality, I don’t want to be that way, but in the depths of my despair it sure seems appealing.
My W had some fairly major surgery a couple of months ago. I’m ashamed to admit it, but the thought did cross my mind that wouldn’t it be great if she didn’t make it through the surgery. I could move on without betraying anybody or anything. I wouldn’t be responsible for depriving my kids of a two-parent family. I would be free. Of course I really wished for no such thing. I immediately banished the thought and felt quite guilty for having had it. But the fact that I did have those thoughts just serves to illustrate desperation that I live with every day.
I do like your sex therapist’s question about close friendship and marriage. I would like to try that one out on her. It may be interesting to see how she perceives the difference.
This kind of rambles, but that’s one of the things I love about this place. I can vent. I can ramble about my feelings and people actually understand. Like I said before, hang in there.
My W had some fairly major surgery a couple of months ago. I’m ashamed to admit it, but the thought did cross my mind that wouldn’t it be great if she didn’t make it through the surgery.
It's incredibly brave of you to disclose this and will hopefully give a great deal of insight into the pain and frustration an LD can cause.
Also, your desire that she is actually gay is a something I was hoping for too because it would explain our situation in a very simple way where I wasn't responsible at all.
Just keep posting for a while. You sound like you have a lot of personal issues to work through first.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: Also, your desire that she is actually gay is a something I was hoping for too because it would explain our situation in a very simple way where I wasn't responsible at all.
I would never have put it that way, but you're right. That IS a lot of the appeal to the gay theory - it's simple and it's not my fault.
Her lack of desire is NOT your fault. Don't blame yourself for HER problem, that, unfortunately, affect you like it does.
My STBX travels ocassionally and I, too, have wondered what would my life be like if he would die in an accident on a trip. It's not that unusual to try to picture yourself in a different life with a different situation. Don't feel guilty about having those thoughts. My H evidently does not feel one bit guilty about causing me to have those type of thoughts, so don't punish yourself for just daydreaming about "if this situation were different."
What we need and want, even if we explain this to our spouses repeatedly, our spouses withhold and our frustration and anger sometimes gets the best of us. They refuse to see our needs as important, but they are. We are so starved for affection and attention that sometimes we fantacize about "what if."
Hoping, My H and I are separated. One of his reasons is not enuff Ml. When he was gone for a 1.5 months, I tried to come on to him. He turned me down. He said, that I was only doind it to get him to come back home, I am a phony, I don't want him, blah,blah,blah... Then about 2 wks later he asked me to do a sriptease for him.(something he wanted me 2 do b4 but I wouldn't)I did it and he loved it. After that we began doing the things I would never do. I dressed up in maid uniform, cheerleader, blindfolds....It got to the point where he would just call me and say, Can you do something nice and different for me? I did this for about 2.5 months. I then began to feel like he was cake eating so I stopped. I think he has OW, atleast EA but it didn't stop him from wanting those things from me. I wanted and still want him home. I believe that he has always wanted to feel more love from me, be accepted as a man,feel attractive and he wants it from me.
I think he is terrified to come home because the attention will stop. My question to you is in your opinion since you are HD, should I have stopped ML or not?
The thing is not until he left did I start to read about R's and exactly what sex meant to a man and how it makes him feel. I always just thought it was an act to fulfill his selfish needs. Boy was I wrong!
He had an A about 2 years ago. I don't know maybe I should have started swinging from chandeliers. His reason was not enuff ML. To me that is a bunch of crock. Last summer I had an EA for about 3 mos. He acts like he will never forgive it. Why does he hold me to higher standards than he holds himself?
I feel bad for what I didn't give him but I am very happy that it caused me to research the issue. I also had self esteem issues and that is why I didn't want to dance for him and all the other stuff but he doesn't want to hear that.He wants to know why did it take me to leave to get you to give me this?
Ok fst forward: For about 3mos we Ml. No holds barred. I got frustrated 6wks ago because he wants sex but not ready to come home so I said No more Ml. I felt like a doormat. Was this a mistake? Should I start to Ml again since this was an issue. How do I help him understand that I really didn't any better. I enjoy sex more now than ever and so does he. I think one of the things that held me back was a fear intimacy.
Nita, Lots of people (myself and Mojo, to name names..) have told you that resuming ML could only benefit your R with your husband. Why are you still gathering opinions on it? Why not just try it and see what effect it has on things? You said that you are both enjoying it, so why not?
I think I wrote in my original post that ML should be something done because you love each other and want a deeper and more meaningful relationship. YOU should not use it to lure him home or to try and keep him. HE should not use it as a way to get his jollies while keeping OW on the side. Only you two know if either of these scenarios is occurring.
I can tell you this, though: If I had left my LDH because of a lack of sex, I would not be returning home until the sex life had been restored and was fulfilling. It only makes sense, ya know? If you had been the one to leave because, say, your H was a workaholic, I doubt you'd be returning home until he cut down on his work hours and started spending more time as a family.
Just some thoughts for you and I wish you all the best..
Hello nitaf. I can only speak from my own experience. For many years I have wanted my wife to be more adventerous with our intimate relationship. I have been HUNGRY for that intimate/erotic interaction for my whole married life. But, I have to stipulate that my interaction with my wife must be more than just erotic. I had a stint on 3 occasions with S outside of marriage, and then some interaction with porn. Its a dead end because it doesn't do anything for me emotionally, at least nothing positive.
Because I have felt hungry for so long, I have spent long amounts of time thinking, 'What is it I really am hungry for?' I have found some answers for myself:
1. Emotional intimacy which includes vulnerability from myself and from my wife 2. Spiritual intimacy which comes from finding that deep connection with my wife that binds hearts and minds together 3. Erotic intimacy. It feels wonderful to have sexual desire inside and have someone who wants to willingly fan the flames, and is there to catch fire with you 4. Love, such as "Hey, you are hungry for some S right now, and I love to please you. I would gladly be there for you and want you to be happy and satisfied. Let me help satisfy you."
Those four things are what I want, and only during ML do I get the chance to have them all. When I acted outside of the marriage, I only got #3 but nothing else. Inside of marriage I have gotten all, but usually in such small amounts that I find myself contemplating divorce.
However, I have had occasions with my spouse, particularly during the first year or marriage, where I got all four in large and satisfying portions. In fact, the only place I have been able to get all 4 in any measure is during ML sessions. So, what do I want out of my marriage? I want deep and satisfying connection. I want to have union. I want to, as the Bible puts it, 'cleave to my wife and be one flesh'.
Now, I am not talking about becoming emeshed. I am talking about a relationship that is, and I still believe this, the greatest thing in the world.
I do not believe I can have union like I desire outside of marriage. Nor do I believe I can cheat it from my current marriage.
However, natif, I have found that happiness is elusive unless I also give back. I want my wife to have the same expectations as I do, perhaps with her own personal variations, but at least those. If she doesn't want S as much as I do, is there something for her that will pull us together and build that intimate connection? I know she likes foot rubs, back rubs, and to have her hair brushed. I WANT her to come to me for those things!!!!!!!! But, and this is important, if I am always giving to her and she ain't giving nothing back (which has been the case off and on for YEARS), then those requests trigger anger and resentment.
I don't know all the answers, but my being HD has as much to do with hunger for intimacy at all levels as it does for just erotic hunger. But, It is NOT an understatement that I have HD and feel the fire that comes for sexual arousal. I feel that fire VERY often and it isn't a week feeble urge either, but is very powerful. Little does my wife know the place her complete unwillingness puts me in when the temptations arise from the coy smile of the girl walking down the street. Even though it is a dead end, even though I know it will result in pain and sorrow, when I am empty emotionally, spiritually, erotically, and not feeling or being allowed to express love, having the erotic component often times seems better than not having anything at all.
Quote: Last summer I had an EA for about 3 mos. He acts like he will never forgive it.
As a HD man, I think he probably sees it this way. He "Desired" you for years, and you "REjected" him. So he ended up with little choice but to find "Desire" from someone else, you more or less forced him into this choice, as he had no other options. You on the other hand, had a husband that desired you and then choose someone else instead, OVER all the overs of desire he thought he was throwing your way. You had a choice, he did not.
Nitaf, regardless of which path you choose, PLEASE make sure that you are having protected sex, and that if your husband returns, you are both tested for STDs.
This is only logical given your set of circumstances.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
