HP, I am joining you and Cemar on being fused with the desire issue. He withholds because he does not desire me. It's why he has to be in control of the LMing...if I initiate anything, he gets "angry" as a way of covering up the fact that he feels pressured to respond. I know bc I have been in his shoes but have pushed through my resistance because of my deeper desire for a passionate marriage. I think we are both hurting over the fact that we don't have more natural desire for each other and that it requires effort. Right now I am more motivated than he is...he is content with the way things are, and in truth, things are better than in the past. I can't make him be more motivated for a more intense marriage and to go that extra step. I didn't have that in me until I felt totally miserable. However, I can insist in a behavioral way that he does not hurt my feelings when he does reject me, and I don't have to accept unpassionate sex( but will no longer expect wall socket sex).
The desire issue cuts both ways for us. He is unhappy that I am resorting to books, counseling, etc...he thinks( or did think) that I wanted to "fix" him. He clearly is not open to new ideas when we ML, that I should be content with his performance. Maybe for him the issue isn't so much about my desire for him but more of an ego thing: "just love me as I am." As for me, it hurts when I see his desire become more apparent when he gets me upset or when he is jealous ( what about just being attracted to me?). All of this limits the degree we can move our marriage forward, and why it's important to set more realistic goals.
I think the PM book has stirred up high expectations for the M which can be damaging, especially when you're the only one in the marriage reading the book!
ALERT, ALERT!!!!!!! YOU ARE MISSING SOMETHING.
IJ, The big changes happened when I read the book, contemplated my strategy, and executed. It required no reading from my W. I got excellent results as the sex, intimacy, and frequency got really good. Now I'm in a whole new phase of the relationship where I have to do it again to bring real "desire" back.
Asking your spouse to read it violates the most important principal in the book.
As a matter of fact, I sent her a copy of the book and the C and I both recommended that she read it. I tried to have "reviews" of it with her to ensure that she was reading it. After a few weeks, I realized that she doesn't need to read it at all...if she wants these types of changes in her life and in the R, she will read it. Otherwise, she doesn't have to.
PM is completely about standing up for yourself and what you want in the marriage. Granted, it's a tricky path to walk and requires lots of preliminary groundwork, but it really works if you "understand" it. If you don't, then keep asking questions here and let a few of us take turns trying to help you through the concepts and what types of dialogs will ensue when you put it into action.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Dave, I agree that PM has helped me to "hold onto myself" and assert my desires in a stronger way, knowing that in not doing so, I am contributing to the fused state and weakening the marriage overall. It has enabled me to figure out what my most basic needs are in the marriage and even though I have other desires, I can live without them( for now anyway). PM is about developing your sexual potential, but I feel in order to do this, both partners have to have the drive and determination to get to that high place, and H is just not motivated.
Right now I am asserting my need for enthusiastic LMing 2x/week, emotional connection outside the bedroom on a daily basis, and not allowing H to hurtfully reject me. Although I have other desires, I am willing to tolerate the anxiety of not having those desires met. For instance, tonite I would love it if he pulled me away from this computer and ML to me in a hot way, but we are just not at that level. I am not going to give up on my dreams, but I cannot forever be upset with what I don't have. I am figuring that bit by bit, I can continue to push my agenda (i.e., enter the growth cycle) once I achieve this basic level of comfort.
Quote: Although I have other desires, I am willing to tolerate the anxiety of not having those desires met. For instance, tonite I would love it if he pulled me away from this computer and ML to me in a hot way, but we are just not at that level. I am not going to give up on my dreams, but I cannot forever be upset with what I don't have. I am figuring that bit by bit, I can continue to push my agenda (i.e., enter the growth cycle) once I achieve this basic level of comfort.
IHJ, that's EXACTLY where I'm at - thanks for describing it so well!
Well, I am not having a good day( HP-- I know you asked how I was doing and I am posting here). Last night ended up being a short cuddle nite, which I was really fine with, esp since we have ML 2x this week already. However, something is going on with H. I think he feels this internal pressure to feel sexual with me, and because nothing happened last nite, he was very edgy with me this am. We got through the morning okay, but he stopped home during lunch( unusual for him) and was very provocative. I started to get upset, and stopped myself for two reasons: I wanted to "hold on" to myself and not do the fusion thing, and also because I didn't want him using my being upset as a way of having desire for me. When he was HD and I was LD, he did the emotional disconnect thing in order to function, and I am trying my best not to do the same thing but to work this out with him, but I am getting very frustrated. I have given up the fantasy that he will ever be into the sex/intimacy thing on the same level as I am, and I am realizing I am going to have to deal with his LD for a long time to come. How sad. For now, I am going to do my best to not be drawn into arguments with him and to keep to the goals I outlined yesterday. Until he is able to admit his low desire for me and work on it, rather than seeing me as the problem, we won't be able to have much movement. The trick for me will be not to get overly frustrated in the process and disconnect by becoming LD again. J
Hi HP... His issues with me are that he doesn't want to be bothered during the week( he has to sleep, he feels I want too much, says why can't we just go to sleep like "normal" people with no hugging, etc) and wants me to wait til Sat nite/date nite for any kind of interaction, because then he will feel rested or whatever. I guess in his mind once he has his weekly obligation out of the way, he's off the hook. If I complain, he points to my LD days and says it's more than what I offered him( which is true). sigh. J
And to add... H was the one to come up with the weekly date nite idea to establish a more regular pattern, but since that time I have been the one to want more in terms of EC. He has a hard time doing EC( hugging, kissing) without feeling the need for it to progress to sex, which I don't understand. I have told him 1000 times I just want a nice hug or kisses goodnite but he interprets this as pressure for sex.
