Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Friends: Season 5--New perspectives

Okay dear, a few things.........

I don't think you want to play quarters with me. Although I haven't played in 15 years (and had no desire to start up anytime soon), I didn't play to get my male buddies drunk. And I NEVER played resulting in me getting "bottle flu" either. So, if your still challenging me, I will start practicing. You are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO done!

Now, once you have your bearings back, realize that those steps back can be eliminated. I don't think I need to explain that, I think you have the blueprint to overcome that.

And lastly, if we need to create new acronyms, we need to have them spell an actual word out, like...........

Wasted Hours Apeing Teenagers (WHAT?)
MGD In Shotglasses Suck (MISS)
Gary Really Is Needing Somebody (GRINS)

Ya know, stuff like that!

Triple J

Heck no, I'm not challenging you! Last time I got sick!

Boy, I bet you made bad grades in poetry with all that symmetry. But since you started this one:

EATME (Excessive Alcohol, The Miserable Experience)
BITEME (Blackouts Incited The Execrable, Murky Escapade)

And since I had you guys to remind me to act normal, I was accepting and happy when Mr. Wonderful called to tell me his golf game was rained out. He indicated he would be able to go get D7. I asked if he wanted to take her back with him and he sounded very happy.

He answered, "YES! We'll work on the therapy putty after I turn the gas fireplace on <it's chilly here today>. What do I need to do for her to go to school tomorrow?"

I gave him the rundown for her new routine and asked him to let me know if something important needed to be shared from her first day of school. He agreed and thanked me for being flexible.

I have a night off! On the agenda is a workout and an early night to bed.

Betsey

The hard part is knowing which way is the right way at the right time with the right person...RIGHT?

I think the posts were all right-on. Yes, it does seem that there are lots of call backs and sometimes, some WAS would HATE that, but it seems that yours for the most part is reassured and pleased by that. My X who worked in the ER , would hate if I bugged him at work to clarify anything. And yep, I tended to run at the mouth before the brain and leave too many things unclarified....most guys would rather women say it short and sweet BUT in this case, your guy seems to enjoy this 'banter'.
And this is important: there is an abundance of miscommunication out there, and for PAs especially, miscommunication serves the PA coping mech well...so if we can help retrain the communication process so that there IS clarification...then the misunderstandings, resentment , hostility and punishment might abate. YEA!!!!!!

I also think that X is behaving 'intimately' with you in the guy way: guys often feel that intimacy is DOING things together, and talking on the phone is a biggie guy intimacy thing. (Weird, but true.) So, even tho WE actually know what true intimacy is ....BABY STEPS.

Re your 'habit' of 2nd guessing , overanalyzing and rethinking stuff: I think fixers get TRAINED to do that when we have partners who withhold giving us information about their true feelings...and then of course we get blamed for overanalyzing.
Damn, can't we do anything right?
THings are looking better BETs....keep plugging.
And please, I need help with the weight issue....bought some cortislim (suupposedly stops the cortisol hormone from adding weight) HA...gained 5 pounds since taking it!
HELP...before I resort to cutting off half of me to lose weight.
gd

Hi Betsy.

First things first.

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And please, I need help with the weight issue....bought some cortislim (suupposedly stops the cortisol hormone from adding weight)

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GD1 don't take these things.
1: They are a waste of money (I think the 5lbs gain will show that)
2: You don't know what harm they are doing to your health.

Sorry if I sound like a school teacher but this is soemthing I'm very passionate about. I'm afraid the only way to weight loss and to keeping it off and more importantly good health is a well balanced diet (Lots of fruit and veg and cut out the fatty foods) and exercise (it don't need to be a gym or sweaty aerobics (YUK!) walking is excellent). Have you tried weight watchers? I found this a great help. I lost 2 stone and have managed to keep it off for 2 years. Ok I'm off my soap box now.

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It would have been easy to say to him when he offered to take D7 (giving into my fear of letting go), "No, D7 and I have plans with her friend and her mother."

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Reading your last posts I can see that letting MrW take D7 has been a big step for you and one that has made him very happy. I realise it must be very hard for you with D7 difficulties but I think it is important for you to "let go" and let MrW take care of her. I know she is a very special girl but remember she is very special to both of you. He will look after her and enjoy your time alone even if it is just to sleep. Keep up the great communication you just seem to know what and when to say it(I Can't wait to reach that stage)

Oh by the way Yes that fear is irrational and you know it. Keep learning.

God bless

gd,
I agree about cutting calories, walking and have you tried weight lifting. There is an excellent web sight www.bodyforlife.com that will give you some awesome, easy to use and follow weight lifting that you can do at home if you want.

What are your BAD food habits? Mine is binging before bed... makes me feel lousy in the morning. If I don't eat, I feel great and skinny in the morning.

And drink lots, and lots of water!!

Figure I should at least post the boring stuff as a reminder to myself that being in neutral isn't such a bad thing...

It's been chilly and rainy here, and I can't seem to get warm. After dinner last night, I put D7 in my tub (it's bigger and I decided to hop in with her) and had no sooner put my foot in the water when the phone rang. It was Mr. Wonderful, who seemed surprised I answered because it almost went to voicemail.

He wanted to ask me how our days went, and if D7's eye looked better (it has been pretty red lately). I told him we were in the tub, and he asked if I could still chat in the water? I told him I guess it was okay as long as no suds came barreling my way...

He wanted to chat about his convo with D10 earlier and to make plans for her airport greeting on Saturday. He asked if we could go in one car and we made arrangements to head to the airport after I go to mass on Saturday afternoon. I told him that she wanted to go out to eat, and since it was Father's Day weekend, it would be my treat.

He seemed genuinely pleased and thanked me for being generous. He also told me that he knows that I miss D10 something awful, and he knows she really misses me too-- and said that she could spend Saturday night with me.

I let him know that D10 and I had already discussed this issue, and that we had decided she could drop off her luggage at the house and pick up the FD present she made for him (which I had to pick up while she was away) and that she would spend the rest of the weekend with him.

That made him VERY happy. I did ask for him to bring them both home Sunday evening because I did want to spend some time with her too... and he agreed.

I had hopped out of the tub by this time, and he asked if I had time to chat for a few minutes. I was buck naked but I said sure...

He started to tell me that work was driving him crazy. Mind you, this is the job he started in January. I asked what was so crazy, and he gave me the synopsis of the reasons. It appeared to me that Mr. Wonderful has a hard time saying no to others, even when the request interferes with his current job responsibilities (and he's a program manager), which means his time is dispersed among many). I joked, "job security!" And he answered soberly, "Bets, I've always had job security. That's not my problem. My problem is that I need to learn how to say no."

Blow me over! I commented, "Hmmmmmm. How will you do this?" He replied, "I don't know. But I figure that I need to do something about learning. And fast."

He finally cut our convo off with, "Hey, my pizza is ready. I'm so hungry I'm going to eat all of it. Talk to you tomorrow?" We said our goodbyes and hung up. All in all, a pleasant conversation.

I also started toggling between 2 of the many books my fellow DB friend--Lights--sent me. One of them is called When Love Dies. The author provided a summary of some information provided in another book titled, What Men Want Women to Know. Number 1 on that list was "You are His Best Friend."

I've known that all along, but it really was driven home by the conversation earlier. I realized that Mr. W. does not call Gary to discuss what he needs to do at work to feel happier.

Since this is a great one, here's my Cainercast for the day:

There is a lot of sound and fury now but what does it signify? When the drum stops beating, when the band stops playing, when the cannons stop firing, the armies stop marching and the smoke stops billowing, what will have altered? Everything or nothing? You want to know the outcome to a certain drama in advance. That's why you are turning to your forecast with such trepidation. Actually, though, you already know. Only one thing will be different from now on. Everything else will be just as it was, much to everyone's initial amazement. So, relax this weekend. All will be fine.

And that's what I think is true too.

Betsey

Bets,
You are doing so well with your sitch. I see alot of positives. The communication sounds really good. I think H really needs you in his life and the best you can do is be there for him.

I can tell by his convo that he is thinking about your sich and he is feeling the loss. Keep DBing and things will turn out the way you want them to in the end.

Hi Betsey,

I haven't forgotten your challenge, and I'm up for it now. First things first - I grinned with barely suppressed glee while reading about your encounter with Mr W and the sleeveless top. As I may have said before, our souls may belong to the immortal, but our brains are part of the physical world, and I'm sure you flooded that poor man's insides with Oxytocin (the same hormone that makes you want to grab a chocolate bar. *grin*) Keep doing what you're doing, it seems to be working swimmingly.

As for me, I've been a bit hesitant about posting more of my personal story, which you'll understand as you read on. You see, I'm the incorporation of many DBers worst nightmare - a former OW who is now married to the man she had an affair with. While I make no excuses, I realize that my choices caused other people (his ex-wife and children) much pain. Although I never pressured him to leave in any way, in fact told him more than once quite truthfully that I understood profusely if he couldn't bring himself to do it, my mere existence of course factored in his choice. I do believe they were very ill-matched, that sooner or later it would have been someone else, and that his ex-wife discovered her interest in the marriage only after he had emotionally left it and wanted to leave physically, but the fact remains that he that he is now with me.

All of us now have an unusually cordial relationship, and his ex-wife, a kind-hearted soul, says she has forgiven me, although I'm sure she considers me the primary agent of the demise of her marriage. What helped was the intense desire we all had to make the transition as easy on the children as possible (all the while realizing it is never easy).

I don't regret the choices, but I will always regret the pain they caused. I came here on this board out of a need for atonement for that pain, and to learn exactly what it is an LBS is going through. Through reading a post of yours I figured I could use my time much more productively; and I figured that I owed others who were fighting for their marriage whatever little insight I had to help them succeed. Perhaps that will help with the need to do penance I still feel. And if not, it will still have been the right thing to do.

I know that you, Betsey, luckily don't have an OW to deal with in your situation, but many others do - and if any of them would like to ask questions, I'm game.

Pen

Well, Pen, I just have to give you a cyber hug for spilling the skeleton in your closet. I think you're brave and you know that I welcome you here on the joint thread (but am wondering where my trusty Friends are?).

I think it's really important to state that it is not our place to judge others. We all have our crosses to bear and unique hardships and joys. I'm sure you can be a person whose honesty will help personify the OW issue... that is, to learn to respect someone whose path is very different from our own.

For instance, one of my good DB buddies here is Triple J. The moment I read his first post in newcomers, I knew there was a compelling reason to keep heading back. He writes awfully well, and he's sure funny, but that wasn't known to me as we posted.

The fact is, he's a brother of Mr. Wonderful... the WAH who faced his own music shortly after moving out. In another place and time, I could have been the same person his W is: unhappy but not willing to address my own mission critical issues, blaming at times, playing the victim, etc. His W has her good points too, but the fact is, our paths could have been similar. And the fact is, I WISH Mr. Wonderful would have had the same epiphany after moving out that he did.

We spend a lot of time joking around and talking as friends, but the simple fact is that I can count on him to steer me when I get stuck... knowing that he has credible experience being where Mr. W. is. And I hope I offer the same value in return.

No, I don't have OW to contend with. I still want to reiterate that although Mr. W. didn't elect to find himself OW doesn't mean that it would have not been possible or even considered. The escape is the crux of this issue: the fact that they are looking elsewhere for something that they should be giving themselves.

Besides, we are not what we do... that is, our deeds by themselves do not make us the people we are. The fact that you are here says much.

I think I'll hold off on grabbing that chocolate bar--I have 7 lbs to goal and I couldn't be happier with that thought. I'll be dreaming about Reese's until that happens!

Tell us more when you're ready.

Betsey

Bets, I really am flattered that you hold me in such high regard. I don't feel deserving of the words you speak of me, but it is comforting to know that when your chips are down, you know you can always come to me. And I will be there.

And YES, it is mutual!

Pen, I want to tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and willingness to open your self up here with your story. I was a walk away like Betsey said, but soon found that my place should be back in the house, which in turn, was denied. I saw no need for an OW, but my W saw differently for herself.

There is something you wrote in your post that really perked my ears up, and I hope you could explain it to me. I am not here to judge why you said it, but I truly am wondering the thought process behind it.....

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I do believe they were very ill-matched, that sooner or later it would have been someone else,

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You wrote this about the ex, and how you thought they were ill matched. Why did you think that?

You see, I often wonder what story is told to the OMs by my W, whether it is the whole story or not. I do have my suspicions, but I don't think I will ever get the answers from them.

Do you feel that you were given the whole story at the onset of your R with your H now? Or was it a one sided deal and then learned more as you went along?

I am sorry if I am asking tough questions here.

Triple J