Remember to let him know that when he does the mowing, it always looks so much nicer! (sort of like eating someone ELSE's salad I guess). Yep, he is wanting to do acts of service and that is good...BUT if it isn't YOUR love language, then it can be a bit of a double edged blade (lawn mower, get it ) Sometimes, we have to deal with the PA 'after ALL I've done for HER' type of thinking. My X was like that. He'd do acts of service and EXPECT that it would suffice. 25 years of acts of service but never a word of affirmation DIDNT work. And I resented never hearing that I was a good deal, a great mom, needed in his life (heaven forbid that he should ever say he NEEDED me ). SO, encouraging and AFFIRMING his acts of service...definitely. Just the fact that he wants to is AWESOME (and a sign, don't you think, that his resentment is evaporating?) but at some point you do have to let him know what makes YOUR heart skip a beat too.
Well, I have delayed long enough. Gotta listen to trial transcripts. 15 tapes worth...[censored]. I'm a mess and the worst ever procrastinator...but then, I now have a clean house, tho no hermit crab to be found.
Last post for the day... thanks for more ideas. I'll say that sitters are hard to come by here. I have a sitter every day after school (during the year) and occasionally on the evenings. I'll entertain the idea of bringing one in a little more often later on.
I can't hire the average teenager because of D7's medical issues. We have to be a bit more choosey than the average bear. Getting back to the soap opera....
So I was prepared. And Mr. Wonderful didn't show up. Even for this PA guy, it ain't his MO. I took D7 shopping, bought beer (I have a 12 pack of MGD in the fridge if anyone wants to come over and party) and washed all the patio furniture. At 3 pm, we were in bathing suits and it was pretty hot. So D7 and I headed for the pool.
Caught up with some friends and D7's special ed teacher. I got home a little before 6 and there was no sign of Mr. W. I chose to not feel angry or any emotion over it (yes, I finally see how I can control my own environment).
D7 and I ate dinner, cleaned up, called D10 and I finished laundry. At 8 pm, no word from Mr. W. So I headed out to mow the front yard. Before I get blasted, I will tell you all that it's been 2 weeks since the last mowing and we are a covenant community. End of story. I walked in the door with some beautiful mosquito bites (that's what I get for mowing in a bikini).
I put D7 in the tub and decided to make a phone call to my estranged H. I deliberately chose a soft voice, dripping with concern. He answered, and I began, "K, I'm just calling to see if everything is okay. I didn't hear from you today and since that isn't like you, I started to worry."
MW: Genuinely pleased at my tonality. "That's really sweet of you, Bets. I have to confess that I'm feeling very lazy today. I was going to call you soon, though."
Me: And I'll just bet you procrastinated long enough to gather that I was angry. Another set up. "That's okay. I was concerned about you."
MW: Laughing nervously. "Uh, to tell you the truth, I have a bad case of the bottle flu. Gary came over last night and we played quarters until really late. We're both feeling awful today."
Some of our MLC guys go get OW. Mine chose to beam himself back to high school so he could relive the days like normal teenagers do, instead of being a goody two shoes like he was. QUARTERS? I haven't played that since college, at the very latest.
MW: "I didn't think you would understand if I called you earlier to tell you why I wasn't going to come over."
Me: Validating SUCKS! But I do it anyway! "Believe it or not, I do understand. <Pause> I can't stay on long because D7 is in the bathtub."
MW: Great opportunity to change subjects!!! "How was she today? What did you guys do?"
Me: "She was very busy. Her legs and arms are covered with marker, and we went to the pool. We had a good time today, especially since nobody took a crap in the pool."
MW: "HA HA HA!!! That's funny!"
Me: Yeah, I'm funny, but this wasn't a joke. Our last pool outing was ruined because of that poopy event. And it wasn't a baby ruth! "And we caught up with a few of D10's friends."
MW: "Speaking of which, is this the longest you've ever gone talking to her?"
Me: "Huh?"
MW: "You talked to her Friday morning. I'm guessing that she has had a busy weekend with your folks.... and that she hasn't called. That must be the reason."
Me: Uh oh. "K, I talk to her every day."
MW: "Do you call her?"
Me: "Sometimes I do. Other times she calls me."
MW: Starting to get what this means. BIG TIME. And he's not happy. "When did you speak to her last? I miss her."
Me: "I called after dinner. They were having a proclaimed reading night. Everyone was in pajamas in the family room with a book. They seemed really settled."
MW: "Oh." Put on a more chipper front. "I'm really glad she's having such a great time. She's going to come back really spoiled. That is, IF she comes back..."
Me: Trying to laugh it off. "Well, as a matter of fact, she told me tonight she didn't want to come home. She said she misses all of us, but she likes her life there a whole lot."
MW: "Hmmmm. I guess so. Your folks have always made her feel special. That's tough to beat. And I know that the feelings are more than mutual. It's good that they can do this for her."
Me: "Yes, I agree. Well, it's time for me to go."
MW: "Talk to you tomorrow. Thanks for calling."
****I'm feeling something, but not sure what? At any rate, it's too late to analyze and I need to put sheets on my bed and hit the sack, with D7 of course.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Betsey - Insomnia tonite - so I expect a heavy session on the board. I'm glad NG booked us into a hotel room with a separated work-desk area - he of course is slumbering away like a baby
Well, until your last post, I was getting firmly into the same boat as KAW and Pen, but wow, a no show due to bottle flu - I'm now sitting here wondering if you need to spend your time taking care of 3 children
Your description of sleep routine with D7 sounds familiar. My brother and his wife have an interesting arrangement too, and my nephew, who will soon be 5, is autistic and has some interesting habits. What struck me as amazing about my B and SIL (both doctors) is that they are able to negotiate from a foundation of mutually accepted and acceptable stances about N's autism and the repercussions on the family. When we first got confirmed diagnosis, there was the usual denial, anger, tears from both of them, and me, and the sets of grandparents, but now, of everyone involved, my B and SIL seem to have found most peace with the situation, which includes daily life with a difficult, autistic child, which is nevertheless a life that most would envy.
I read through your old threads on a binge one day, so some details are a bit hazy, I'm just wondering how MW REALLY deals with D7's realities? A couple of weeks ago, in a conversation, he seemed to bring up the 'joy' of not having to maintain a large house while he was living in the flat - is this shortform for another, more complicated issue? Just wondering how deep rooted his desire to escape back to carefree childhood is.
Slowly, who may be rambling this late in the night...
LMAO...you passive aggressed him back! I love it! Actually, i think that maybe 2 PA types have a better chance of making their R work than a PA /fixer. I bet he is really wondering now. What would have been even better is if he came over, only to see a very muscular 'yard man' mowing...... I know he is still angry about the EA Bets, but he punishes...even tho it is subtle...and it just doesn't seem fair after all the work you've been doing. I honestly believe they CAN and DO snap out of it at times though...so maybe maybe maybe. All I can say is you have the patience of a saint, and constantly amaze me! If they were giving out awards, you'd have a bunch, honey bunch! Take care, gd
I had a decent night's sleep and after wrestling with D7 this morning (who didn't want to get dressed) I'm feeling just fine.
Pattie and Linda--Actually, I was a little too disgusted to want to smack him. Being married to frat boy isn't exactly something I'm jumping up and down about. I guess I didn't see how I was behaving PA? I truly wasn't angry when I called... I was concerned because it wasn't his MO to disappear, but I'll admit I laid the concern on pretty thick.
D10 called me a half hour ago just to chat. She and my mom were on their way to get pedicures. We didn't discuss her dad at all... so 5 minutes ago, Mr. Wonderful called me. He asked if I had asked her to call him? I said honestly, "No." He said he had asked her the same and she had given him the same answer.
He started laughing and making small talk, but I haven't been up as long as he has... and I'm definitely not in the mood for chit chat.
But moving along to you, Slowly.
I agree with Pen and KAW too. I just feel the need to take things S-L-O-W-L-Y!
About Mr. Wonderful and his internal processing of D7's diagnosis, I really can't answer that question. I feel he has not truly grieved. In fact, this very issue came up in MC last summer... he denied having the need to do this, and MC and I looked at each other with questions.
I'm inclined to say he really needs to process this more. I know that I was extremely surprised to discover my own feelings in IC when I started 2 years ago. I had no idea that I had never taken the time to grieve for a life that would never be and to take the time to explore the myriad feelings that accompany that reality.
It wasn't overwhelming, but it needed to be done. Does this make any sense? I suspect that Mr. Wonderful needs to do something along the same lines. Though I will say, to his credit, he is a great father. He is present with BOTH the girls and he adores them both. If he has any doubt whether he's capable of doing the grief work, I don't. He's already been living a tough job as her parent all along.
I don't know if you went back far enough into my posts to read about Mr. Wonderful's childhood. I think this is a good time to do a recap, because it will probably help me focus on his need to be frat boy right now.
He grew up on the working poor side of the middle class label. He is the youngest of 2 boys. His mother was dominating and had a very sharp tongue, and his father was a relentless workhorse with a typical scandinavian work ethic. That is, no play until work is done.
That meant that he had little childhood. He was not allowed to join sports or extracurricular activities at school, because he was expected to come home and do chores or help his father build their house. The one thing he WAS allowed to do was read. And that became his escape from reality.
His parents were loners and isolated themselves from the outside world, except for family. Even then, they fought with family members. Mr. Wonderful and my BIL have some horrid memories of hateful things their loved ones would spew at one another.
His parents also lived a life of resentment and sadness. Once or twice a year, they would reach an impasse over something. Instead of talking it out, they gave each other the silent treatment. Mr. W. and his brother were put in the middle, expected to communicate messages between the parents. One of their fights lasted as long as 3 months.
Then there was the excessive drinking. On top of rules that were made for no apparent reason, but enforced with extreme punitive measures if they were broken.
Mr. W. has one childhood friend. I know this man, and I'm sure he would love to talk to him about what is going on right now. He himself was a LBS. Though he has remarried with a baby, it was a scarring experience for him.
He doesn't look back and admit that his childhood was less than thrilling. But all the signs are there for everyone else to see. Where I spent my high school years rebelling and acting out, he was proper and did what was expected of him. He was on a full scholarship to engineering school (which he completed in 3 years), so he was very motivated to keep his grades up. He had a fun college experience, but his work came first. And he graduated 2nd or 3rd in his class...
I remember my high school and college days fondly with some degree of happiness that I feel better about myself with so much distance between now and then. I was taught to make good choices, and managed to escape some of the more common consequences for irresponsible behavior. Actually, I'm lucky to be alive.
But it was acceptable to act like an idiot when one is a teenager. (My parents were NOT thrilled, but I can promise you they would be even more disgusted if I was going through that stuff now.)
My parents also know Mr. Wonderful pretty well. He and my dad have a lot in common. His childhood is probably why they are as understanding as they are. My dad commented last year some time, "Every child has a right to a childhood. And Mr. Wonderful did not get one."
That certainly doesn't mean that he should be allowed to have one now. I just understand why it might be so important. And it's a good reminder that I'm not his mother and will not be meting out punishment for acting out. But he will bear consequences for his actions. Maybe not at my hand, but they are ever present.
At any rate, I have some work to do today so I had best get hopping. I'm sure I'll be talking to frat boy a few times today as well.
BTW, I wasn't kidding when I said I understood the bottle flu thing. Maybe one day he'll see that.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
There is a positive here. Let me put it out here so I have a record of noting them!
He could have told me yesterday that he felt ill because he was sick. We both know it would have garnered a whole lot more sympathy. However, he decided to be truthful as to the reason he was a no-show. And I'm betting that he did it for a reason with 2 possible outcomes:
a. To see if I had really changed. To force my hand, knowing how I feel about excessive drinking. If I got angry or demonstrated disapproval, I would have failed the test. OR
b. To see if the way I responded was possible.
I guess I should just feel better that he was honest with me. A couple days ago I posted that I didn't necessarily have to like what he was telling me. It's all in how I show it.
I just realized, I passed the test!
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
just a quick post to thank you for the offer to consider myself a "Friend" and post my story on this thread - I'll take you up on it as soon as life outside of cyberspace permits. And by the way, I think you handled yourself beautifully vis-a-vis the bottle flue conversation. GO YOU!!
You GO GIRL!!!!!!! I think you just passed the test too.
As usual you tend to handle things with such poise and dignity. I actually feel that I passed a test this weekend too but the recognition as it were shall only be given from those here that will be able to "understand" the process. Great for you.
I think you are correct in your analysis of him that he was also being honest w/you which is another positive step.
Just wanted to chime in on the "date" topic as well. I think you are doing a good job w/the fact that you are working on the "family" connection w/him. I know that it will take time before you and he can be "alone". The connection has to be fed before it can grow into something that will flourish, IMHO.
I think going S L O W L Y, as you mentioned is a good way to manuever your sit. Once again, you'll know when to put your big toe in the water and see how things are going. Next attempt might also be some family pool time (hopefully w/out the mess again LOL).
Take care. You're such a great role model. I hope I can pull it out and hang tough like you're doing! Tootles...........
Thank you for your words and making me look at things in a different light. I applaud you for your conversation with Mr w. You did wonderfully. Bottle it and send it over to me.
I was very interested in your comments about H childhood. My H joined the army when he was 16 and stayed in til he was 22. He had a hard time in there to begin with a lot of bullying which was hard coming from a home with a violent father. MIL left him when H was 12 and remarried (a wonderful man who was and is very good to H) When he left he had just married and well I guess he didn't really have a chance to experience a "college life" like he seems to be doing at the mo. I on the other hand did. Partied for 4 years at uni (just about managed to get a degree ) and then for 2 years in New York. So i got it out of my system (well almost I do like a good party)
My question is: Do you need to experience the lack of 20's-life in your mid-life if you missed out the first time around?
Always questioning???
Not always sad!!!
Joanne
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning. Albert Einstein
) 
Betsey 
