Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Friends: Season 5--New perspectives

Hurray for you for letting him do these acts of service, Bets!! Although I'd have to subtract a point or to for telling him you were on your way to do it yourself... time to play the damsel, if you can. Take advantage of him trying to save you in these tiny ways... well, not so tiny really. Gee, D7, the hot tub, the lawn... do I see a white horse? Enjoy, Betsey. I see a whole man approaching...let him.

WELL SAID, PEN!!
Betsey, why not let him perform these acts of service? It makes him feel good! May not be your LL, but he seems to be getting a good feeling by doing things for you.

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Although D7 was with us, she is nonverbal and while she entertains herself (coloring while slugging down a chocolate milk shake), we talk.

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To which Pen sooo shrewdly replied ...

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Date night with the D7 present, hmmm? CHICKEN!!!

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Well I don't intend to beat a dead horse, so I'll just comment...

So long as you can acknowledge D7 was still a distraction so to avoid either of you from placing any attention on trying to re-ignite that spark ... and that's OK too Betsey. If you and Mr. W are not ready for that yet, then you're not ready. Its an area that needs to be approach slowly, delicately and neither of you seem to be ready to stick your big toe in and that leads to my initial point I've been wanting to make...

... hopefully now can you see that means neither of you are ready for Mr. W to answer to your letter at this time as well. An answer at this time is still premature and probably will end up thwarting the best positive results. There's still more ground that should be covered before a conclusion can be drawn.

Betsey, I could see you placing your hands over your ears when when I read you don't want to hear about having to be more "PATIENT", but I hope the above paragraph illustrates that that "evil" word is viable answer for now.

... for there's still a direction you and Mr. W haven't explored yet. I include him because he seems to be at a place where he may be looking to that direction as well, revealed by him now wanting to be your "white knight". Consequently, your letter is what probably what has brought all this in focus for him at this time ... and you, Betsey, still have a choice on whether you want to set some goals to go down that path before hearing his answer.

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I want some opinions. Give me some alternative ideas on how to move past my current line of thinking.

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Well you asked!!!

You made a play with the letter Bets ... the results of which are not all in yet and I assure the entire answer has not formulated ... there's still room for it to go either way, but if you still wish it to result in a happy M between you & Mr. W then as Michelle states in the chapter about "asking for what you want", you are not going to get the response in the fashion you're anticipating. Keep you eyes open to all. The answer will first be in the differences you detect in his actions, before he ever approaches you directly.

Oi, each time I try to sum this up I continue to ramble on some more, so let me try again ... Bets, but the idea of filing on a back burner ... there's more innings to be played out before knowing the true outcome.

'til later,
KAW

Hi Friends.

I sure miss visitig the board.I hope to get my puter back tomorrow.

I feel like I'm running out of time since my H gets out of the navy Aug. 6th and he will be moving to slut diego.

I feel like stiring things up.I feel like I need to make a move.

Is this crazy making or do I need to do something?I have been stuck doing the same thingfor so long I'm afraid to make a move.

I can't post much I'm on a old ratty borrowed computer.But would love for my friends to post to me about what I do right and what I do wrong.I know it is a lot to ask but if someone could read through my thread and give me their perspctive of my sitch.And where I could or should change.After all of I feel like doing something different it sould be for the better and not for the worse.

I can still read my thread but I have a hard time posting.I hope to get my computer back tomorrow.I hope they can fix it.

Later all my Friends.

Love,
Briget

Bon jour to all!

I logged in to do some banking and found myself here first. Who'd have figured?

Briget--Since you asked, I'm going to address you first. Tomorrow I should have more time on my hands at work, and we can start this dialogue in earnest on your thread. Hopefully, you'll have your PC back.

Stirring up the pot just because you're bored IS crazymaking. But I sense that your edginess is an attempt as a last ditch effort to see if you have any leverage with your H? My first instinct is to tell you to RESPOND or INITIATE differently--a true 180. If you never call, do it. If he calls, act like his friend. Something that might jar him into seeing things differently right now... that's my first crack.

HOn, really? I get docked a point? Let's compromise. A half a point. If you knew how awful my yard looks, you'd have to agree with me. My neighbors are probably chomping at the bit (particularly the ones across the street--the ones whose lawn I mowed while they were at a wedding).

Pattie, okay, I'll let him be my knight in shining armor today. Maybe I'll don some slut clothes and look completely helpless? Just kidding. I don't own slut clothes...

Pen, I have to tell you I'm going WAY lenient on you, darlin'. NOBODY and I mean NOBODY calls me chicken and gets away with it!

But I must say that you and KAW make excellent points. And KAW, I agree with the patience thing. 100%. I was not covering my ears or eyes on that comment...

Since you guys were kind enough to up the ante from two cents, I want to get some things clarified. If you see things differently, by all means, let me hear some alternate opinions.

In my eyes, initiating a date right now is a big BOZO NO NO. I can act as if I am interested in that outcome, and I agree that if he ever asks, I'll accept. I really don't feel he's ready for that next step. Too much past resentment is coming out right now and I don't feel the timing is right.

If I go back to the cobwebs in my mind and the book on vulnerability that came into my life last summer, a woman should let the man do the pursuing. I realize that asking him to go to the movies was definitely in that vein, but in my mind, there was a difference...

I'm not disagreeing with Mr. W's comments either. His resentments are fair, although they are way too old for my liking. But I'm trying to grit my teeth, gird my loins (whatever THAT looks like) and let him get that crap out. For now, at least.

I was the one who initiated the movie outing. So in my mind, I had to make it more family oriented. Family oriented to him means less threatening. Without saying so, he knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't be bringing up R stuff in front of D7. He was laid back and just hanging out as he normally did before he left.

Damn, it's quiet right now. Where the heck is D7?

KAW, the filing IS on the back burner. It is simply a musing that comes barging to the surface when this angry part of him charges forward. I will restate my goal here: I didn't expect to get angry about his feelings, so I promise to validate more and keep my mouth shut if I feel the need to defend myself. However, I won't promise not to explore the topic. THAT is a 180 for me, and as long as I don't lose control, it's the only way I can really show him that I've changed.

UGH!

KAW, I'm awfully grateful for your play-by-play input. Where would I be without you today? You've given me a lot to think about before Mr. Knight-in-Shining-Armor shows up on my doorstep. If you think of any goals you think I should consider, please let me have them.

Pen, since you threw down the gauntlet by calling me chicken, I'm gonna issue a dare of my own. Please feel free to consider yourself a "Friend": that means you can do it here. Why don't you tell us more about you?????

Hey, you couldn't possibly be more messed up than the rest of us here. And the fact is, you're intelligent. I want to know more!

Thanks for all the great feedback!

Betsey

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In my eyes, initiating a date right now is a big BOZO NO NO.

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Okie doke ... but I still think the goal is to lead up to one-on-one time. So let's start out small and work our way towards familar territory...

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We had done nothing up to that point other than go out to lunch, bowling or sit outside our building on a park bench and eat lunch together. (We worked together.)

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I hear what you're sayin about "a woman should let the man do the pursuing", but that doesn't mean need to sit idly by until he gains the gumption. Waddya say to starting today with meeting Mr. W in the yard after he's just finished cuttin the lawn with some cold ones (stick beverage of your choice here) and hang out in the shade for a few ... say 20-30 minutes. Strike up a lighthearted convo on say .... golf?

... maybe lead into ... "Say you know what I realized I haven't done in a long while? Gone bowling. I had some fun doing that." ... next topic or time to attend to ... (whatever).

What about a picnic lunch in a park where the kids can play in a plaground over yonder for a while as you and Mr. W sit on a blanket in the grass soaking up some rays (with sunblock, of course!)

Maybe set up some couch time one evening by suggesting to watch something of interest. Sure there can be a free cushion between the two of you, but no one else in the room. (hint: after the kiddies bedtime) Maybe have a glass of wine to help relax a bit.

Create those brief moments where he can just look you in the eyes ... and then he will have to face why he still is hanging onto the resentment or experience it melting away. I can attest to how effective it can be.

'til later,
KAW

Okay, KAW, I'm getting this. So I need your help in fine tuning this. Not excuses, mind you, but some bonafide thinking cap time.

Mr. Wonderful usually leaves the house shortly after I get home. How to make the most of this? Do I ask him to stay longer? (Knowing he gets up at 5 most mornings and his energy is usually flagging...).

My biggest and has been our biggest obstacle is D7. She has a sleeping disorder (it's part of her diagnosis). I have actually made things worse since he left, mostly because I need my sleep (beauty and otherwise) and I pull her into bed with me just so I can avoid multiple awakenings to deal with her issues.

I've been mulling over a campaign to deal with this very issue this summer, perhaps after she gets out of summer school so I don't have to deal with the issue of a fatigued and unhappy camper. (And the repercussions for her fatigue are increased seizure activities.)

Her disorder is that she doesn't require as much sleep as the average human. She can go to bed at midnight and get up at 6 without any visible problems. And falling asleep has always required adult intervention. Before he moved out, Mr. Wonderful resentfully took on that chore, as he went to work early and headed to bed early.

We both know that it was an escape now, but it's water under the bridge.

I can count on 1 hand the number of times D7 has fallen asleep without another person present. Not even in a car, like D10 was famous for.

Her sleep issues have always affected our nightly routine. I know that if we decided to make that a priority, we would come up with a solution that helped. But right now, since I'm the one holding the bag, I took the easier of 2 routes.

However, since Mr. Wonderful is still not here to do his yard work, I am going to head out to run a few errands and I'll pick up some cheapo 3.2 beer at the store.

Now, if he'd just show up. I had made plans for myself and D7 and I guess I'm just resolved to changing them.

Maybe it's good and maybe it's not.

Betsey

Betsey,

He hasn't shown up yet. Well, as a good scout, Be Prepared! Don't read anything into this, cause that would be an assumption. Could he be procrastianting so he gets an invite for dinner?

Other than having a beloved sitter at the house one evening to strictly deal with the D7's sleep issues, I have no suggestions. Is that a possibility? I know there have been times when we had friends for dinner and b/c of the kids ages we had sitter come for a few hours. She entertained supervised baths and put them to bed. Just a thought. I don't know how it would work for you.

Adaptive is a SBP's (Solution Based Person) middle name. I can relate to having to figure out an arrangement within very limited restrictions. Often, the routine would be I'd come home from work at 6:00pm and CAW would be asleep by 7.

So after kid's bedtime may not be the optimum couch time, especially if Mr W is also fatigued. So it might call for having to distract the "distraction". Pattie's idea of a sitter is a good one if you have one ... or is there an activity that would keep D7's attention at a time when it might coincide with couch time. Of course, that means figuring out when couch time is. You seem to have some success with Mr W staying for dinner. Is it possible to take dessert or an after dinner drink to the couch?

Is there a way where you may be able to arrange getting off from work early on occasion, so that maybe you can spend more time before dinner?

... or you may have to settle for setting it up on the weekend. If Mr. W does come over more to do battle with the onslaught of those nasty chores, a little wind-down period afterwards might be in order.

... or perhaps invite him over on a rainy day?

... or maybe you might have to nix the couch altogether and come up with something else ... like clipping newspaper articles you think he'd be interested in seeing and showing them to him while sitting at the kitchen counter and gaze at him while he is reading, so as he looks up when finished, eye contact is made.

Hope this helps with the fine tuning...

'til later,
KAW