One of H's complaints was not enuff ML as well. When we first S we were Ml. I started to feel like he was cake eating so I stopped. I think I may gradually start here and there. It was a weekly thing before.
Nita, Can you do small things that don't involve actual sex? Like tell him he looks nice or sexy next time you see him. Send him a flirty email. Things like that. That way, you are not actually compromising your body (I can see what a sticky situation that would be) but you are still letting him know that you find him desirable and giving him love in his LL.
For months I was also confused about the ML issue. SOme say dont some say go ahead. But it is really up to u. U must assess you own sitch. In my case, I went ahead anyway and had great time with H. I didnt cling or needy or anything like that but tried to be sexually attractive and the sex goddess that many men dream of.
Though H continues to see OW, I just continue ML to him. That makes him more confused than ever and I know he is feeling guilty about it. But I was also careful not let him get the impression that Im using sex to get him back, rather it is for me and my own satisfaction. That made him thought real hard about leaving me. He cant seem to handle even the thought of other men ML to me. Again, dont be too flattered about it, u must show to him that u desire him and him alone that you think he is the sexiest man you've ever seen. Yikes, I know its a bit overboard, but it worked in my sitch. Anor LL of his, WA.
So the bottom line is u assess your own sitch and what makes you feel comfortable. If you ever feel cheapened by it, maybe not a good idea.
Just my two cents..
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
S has been with H since Tuesday. H called me Weds nite. I didn't answer. He called me yesterday at work and said, I would like for you to find a camp for him until his football camp starts because there is nothing for him to do sitting around the house w/FIL. I said, Ok. He said, we have to keep the lines of communication open. I said, I understand that and thank you for keeping them open. He said, my lines are always open. He then said I am upset that I can't get in touch with you when I need to speak with you.I tried to call you last nite and u didn't answer.I said, if it is important leave a message(he never leaves a message). I said, it is not personal. He said, thanks. I said, ok.
Saturday he made the comment , let me tell you everything I have to say while I have you on the phone because the only time I get to speak with you is over the phone when I call you.
nitaf, Sounds like your H is fence sitting, and believ me I know how difficult this is to deal with. It's like they want us to be there at the beckon call but yet if we expect more from them it seems to push them away. Not to hijack but I know my Xh takes it very personal when he cannot get a hold of me, he says things like "well, It's hard to get ahold of you sometimes, then he is very attentitive for the next few days. You also seem to have concerns with ML, lack of ML, H's reaction etc... IMHO I believe it is a wonderful way for H and you to connect. Intimacy is very important in any R regardless of how fragile or stable the R is. Not to hi-jack again but sometimes I feel closest to XH when we ML. I hope things begin to look up for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you! Hope you have a great weekend
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
My MIl said , he is livid that he can not get in touch with me. She said, he was on a tirade about me not keeping him informed(not true). She said, she doesn't have to let you know every little thing and plus your son is here. My S had a basketball game Sat.. H was unavailable at fisrt. My plans were to take S. H calls and says he is going. I said, ok. I assumed that I was expected to stay home. It was an hour away. Well, he called me on Sat morning to make sure S was ready. He said, are you coming? I said no I am going to stay home. He said, oh, ok. When he called after the game, he said, We are on our way home. He slips up like that all of the time. He called me about midnite Sun. nite . He said, is S awake? I said, yes, hold on. He said, Oh I don't want him. I wanted to talk to you about his performance at his game today. I was like ok @ midnite. Anywho....
I've been gone, but in catching up I see that you are questioning whether or not to ML. Well, I am on the side of ML all you want - why let a part of your R that works go bad while working on other portions of your R?
When my H left last August, he was so angry that he couldn't bring himself to go past the bottom of the stairs. He didn't want to talk to me but I made sure the kids spoke to him every night. (This is all detailed in my old thread in Newcomers as well as other Piecing threads)
In early October, something happened at work that brought him to me to talk. He was giving me a hug and saying he had to leave or he couldn't be responsible for what might happen - that is when I told him that ML was good and we shouldn't stop that while working on our M. Well, we ML that night. The wall between us started to crumble with that small step.
Soon we were ML a couple times a week after the kids went to bed. Along the way he started talking to me at the end of his conversation with the kids. Then we were doing things together as a family...after spending the holidays as we always have - he started coming here after work each day, only sleeping at his apartment. Now he is back home.
Get the picture? Sometimes you have to go against conventional wisdom.
When my H moved home I found out there had been an EA going on. But you know what? She wanted a PA and he told her he wasn't interested. He then ended the EA and he hasn't seen or heard from her in several months.
To me that confirms that what I did was the right thing for us - even though there were times when I questioned it myself. Our increased physical intimacy helped bring us back together in other ways.
It also makes it doubly sweet that he is home. He discovered that what we have is worth saving.
So you should do what works for you. He is calling at night to talk to you - even if the excuse is to talk about your son. Mine did that too.
Talk to your H about having a nighttime routine that your son calls whichever parent he isn't with at a set time (or thereabouts). Then the two of you can touch base at the end of it. Just a quick, upbeat, casual connection. See what happens.
If anything, I have learned from this, is to watch for the smallest positive behaviors. Don't acknowledge or question them - just appreciate them and reward them with a returned positive behavior on your part.
You'll be amazed at the results. Good luck!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
