Nita, I don't think I have posted to you before, but I have been following your thread. Alot of the folks that do post to you have helped me immensely. I am not very good at giving advice since I'm such an emotional mess.
I feel your H really wanted an invite from you so that adds to your mystery (good one). He also seems to want to talk to you more. You have him chasing you some (also good) Your SIL also made him think about what he is doing.(loved it) I think you are on the right track to reconcilliation, keep up the good work and good luck.
Could be, but I wouldn't think too much of it. I almost think this may be a good thing--he knows you're not always available.
Quote: H was furious that he did not get a special invite.
Maybe apologize and validate his feelings? He's telling you (okay, in a very angry way) that he feels like he isn't welcome in the house. The next time you have a get together, you should make sure and invite him. And apologize for your SIL's comment! You want to try and make him feel like you're "own his side."
It sounds to me as if he wants some attention and has some kind of need that's not being met. I would buy him the clock and say you thought of him when you saw it, and then not make a big deal about it. I would especially buy it if you were not in the habit of doing this type of thing before. Observe what his reaction is.
I wouldn't actually apologize re invitation. Maybe say that you're sorry HE didn't feel he was invited, that he's always welcome at his own home and family. And then drop it after that. Take the attitude that he's always welcome, but you're not sitting around waiting for him, or worrying about him. The unspoken message should be that you're not really worrying about his reactions/feelings right now.
H said I never pursued him or tried to fix the M. he did all the pursuing that is why I wanted to give him a gift to show that all though I have decided to detatch I still think about you.
I so badly need p balance.
Nitaf
I haven't called him unless returning a call in months.
I wanted to say thanks for the hug. It was a month ago or so, but I'm just getting back to posting. I haven't caught up on all of your sitch, but the past couple of pages are somewhat positive. If you are short on ideas of coming out of the dark, have you read that thread? I think it is in newcomers under db power threads.
I knw what u mean about the balance. U asked me in my thread if I ML while S? Yes nitaf, we ML a lot and it seems that every chance that we are together, even quiclie sometimes . I dont get to see him often though now he makes a point to come and see me every weekend.
I dont necessarily think that ML while S is a good thing but at least I think in my M it has helped or maybe helped a lot. My H complained that he didnt get enuf S** in our M so there he goes. I tried to show him that he is irresistable and I cant get my hands off him. I think he likes it a lot. My H is the type of man who likes to be adored and pampered and PT is his LL.
On the question of pursuing and backing off, i think deb has elaborate it beautifully in my thread (i think you have read it). Its a delicate balance when you cant do too much of one or the other. I tried to think of H as a friend in need, I tried to offer support, apologize if I hurt him, be undersatnding and not pressure him although I have backslid many times. I think in a way H appreciates that unless he is very blinded by his love for OW. But I tried also not to do too much of them. And know when to distance and shut it up.
I am still learning nitaf. It has been 10 mnths for me. My H wont do anything together as a family only in the 6th month. Dont take that as a yardstick, every sitch is different.
I read in one of your post that your H told your S that he will not come back. Same here. D7 used to ask H over the phone to come back home and H's answers then were, 'Dady will not come home'.
there will be light finally nitaf, dont you forget that...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Hi Nitaf - I love the supportive post from BnB just here - even if they say no now, it can change
But what about YOU? What changes have you made to yourself, and which of these have H noticed and commented on? Reading your posts suggest a more confident person, do you feel you are more in control of what is going on in your life?
I do feel more in control of my life. I have not asked a question about his whearabouts in 2 months. I had not snooped in 7 wks but I slipped up. ! It feels good not to question him although I still wonder sometimes. I still do not know for sure if there is OW. Not knowing may be for the best!
For years I would say that I am going to dress more feminine. Well, I finally started and it feels so good. I wear skirts mosot of the time. I make sure that I shower get dressed and look good whether I am going out or not! I always smell good and it makes me feel good. The attention I get is nice also. I try to make sure that I get the proper amount of rest. I get up early. I try to go walking on a regular basis. I have to get better with that . I have began reconnecting with family members that I haven't been in contact with. I am going to start Yoga after work 2 days a week .
H has said that he was proud of me for somethings, but not many. He picks at my changes more than anything. He comments on any mistakes and then says I just want you to take care of yourself that I make and looks for reason to point out what I am doing wrong. I do notice that when he visits, he always wants to find something to talk to me about. I usually go upstairs or putter around the house doing errands. If it is early I go out. He usually comes at about 7 or 8 in the evening though. He will leave between 10-12.
I set boundaries 2 months ago. 1 of the boundaries was not to wash clothes at our house and he has eased his way back to doing it. I am going to let it go. I want him to feel comfy.
I am so confused about the ML issue. It seems that when we were Ml, we were more loose and less uptight. I will have to figure this 1 out. IC says if you can ML sometimes without getting clingy than go for it since 1 of his complaints was not enuff ML. IC also says that when H has complained about not enuff attention that it is important that you not make him feel by going dark that you have slipped back into not giving him attention. He said, don't be pursuing, but be warm loving ,friendly and accepting.
I get so upset with myself for not being more proactive. When H had an A 2 years ago, I should have seeked help but I didn't and now look at us. We are a mess !
. I have began reconnecting with family members that I haven't been in contact with. I am going to start Yoga after work 2 days a week 
.