Last thread was Boundaries. I don't know how to link. I will figure it out!
Me-32 H-32 together 16 years, married 5 S-10 Cat-12
Hi, everybody! I haven't been around in a while because my PMA has been down. My H has been running back and forth from our home to wash clothes, have dinner if I cook, spend time with son, watch son in our house when I am not home. HE feels free to sleep in our bed and go thru my things.
I wouldn't dare go to MIL's and I do have a key to go thru his things or sleep in his bed!!!!! He would have a baby!
Finally, after 5 mos of this behavior and Ml 1-2 times a week. SOmetimes after Ml he will be mean and when we get around family members he acts like nothing is going on between us! WTF
Finally I get fed up and set boundaries visit S @ moms, Get him every other weekend, no in and out, no washing your clothes here, call before you come. He says Let's D, we can go to a L together. I said, I will not go w/u. YOu make decision best for the family . That was 2wks ago.
I found out there is OW by snooping. I know 2x4. I accessed his cell bill online. It is atleast an EA possible PA. He of course denies it. She is just a friend.........ok. If she is just a friend how come I never heard him mention her nname in a friendly manor. He met her when he took a realestate class. The woman use to call my house! Anyway that is neither here nor there. I haven't bought it up in about 2-3 wks. He keeps making references to me having a boyfriend. I guess that is guilt and trying to justify his behavior.
He had a PA about 1.5 years ago. He never really showed a lot of remorse. He said he was orry and it was because he was not getting enuff Sex. It was in other words my fault. I held it in and never talk to anyone about it. Then summer 03, I start going out and enjoying myself and get involved in an EA. He suspected something but could never prove it and I never admitted it per C. It seems while he was trying to woo me back he was already talking to OW and she was nursing his wounds being manipulative and now he is seeing her. SHe is probably the reason he left home. He keeps giving me all of these dumb excuses that don't add up! TOO LITTLE TOO LAte = there is someone else! It is never too late when there is no one else involved. HOw did he go from wanting to have another child in Aug. to TOO LITTLE TOO LATE in Dec.? It is because there is someone else. He will never admit it though. I am at my wits end.
My other thread is in Piecing. It called what next? I don't know how to link threads.
Are boundaries pushing him closer to OW? He would be w/her if he wants to anyway...right. HElp please!!!!!!!!!!
6/4/04 Ok...boundaries in place for 6wks...........It seems like a long time. I guess it took him more than 6wks to decide to leave, HUh? It Will take longer than 6 wks to come back home..Arghhhhhh
I invited him over on son's Bday. He had dinner w/us and stayed and watched TV until midnite.
No ML for 6 wks.
Boundaries are still in place. Any ideas on how to ease up on boundaries without making it look like I am not pursuing ?
OK....so he is calling a lot more. He is asking what's up w/me. Finding any reason to ask a question or call me at work or home(strange hours of the night).
Hi there, Nitaf! First of all, relax! Now, re-read your statement about how it will take longer than 6 weeks to come back home. You are absolutely right about that! So, all you can do is relax.
The way I see, you titled your thread "Making changes and I am loving the new me," yet you are still questioning one of these changes. (The boundary issue.)
The lack of boundaries made you uncomfortable, right? You started off your post by saying that you would never do the things to your H that he feels comfortable doing to you.
That, Nitaf, is your answer.
This is not about whether or not the boundaries will help you get your H back or push him further away. When you question these things you are looking at these changes in terms of him, not yourself. What this IS about is what is right for Nitaf. If the boundaries helped YOU, then stick with them.
Boundaries, Nitaf, are not what broke up your marriage. They certainly won't prevent you from getting it back together either.
Do you really want to ease up on them, or are you doing it as a ploy to get your H back? If the answer is the latter, then keep things the way they are!
Then, stop obsessing on the boundary issue.
Get back to what is important here. That is YOU. Get out your goal list and get back to work. You cannot change whatever it is your H is going through right now. All you can do is stop reacting to it.
And, look again at your very last sentence. Something IS working here. Be patient, and don't push it. This did not happen overnight! It will not be fixed that quickly!
Pam, I am soooooooo glad to be able to read your wise words. I have missed you and your honesty. Thanks Pam. Give me the business, whenever you need to.
I know, I know. Well, I just want to share some type of intimacy w/H. I need to focus on emotional intimacy. I need to be his friend. I would like for him to be able to open up to me.
In the past when he had the A, I was a raving lunatic! I really did not let him live it down. I threw it in his face every chance I got. I now feel that I am mature enuff and educated enuff on R's(although I have a long way to go) to listen, validate, and take ownership for my part. The poor man is so afraid that I will go ballistic that he doesn't want to open up to me. I guess starting to enjoy simple conversation and slowly getting into deeper issues is the answer.
Exactly!!! Look, I'm in this right with you. I beat my H up for YEARS over his affair. I was mean and nasty and spiteful. One day he simply had enough. I know now that he hung in lots longer than he should have. He made a mistake...he shouldn't have had to live with hearing about it for as long as he did. He says now that if he had just left right then and not come back until we got through all of our issues we would not be in the boat we are in now.
I know how hard it is to try to step back to just be "friends" when you were once so much more than that. I am in the same situation. THANK GOD I now understand the importance of being friends. The easy thing would have been to say "fine...you don't love me? Then get out!"
But, I did YEARS of damage. So, being friends is the best start to repairing that. My impatience sometimes gets the best of me, and I get down. I understand that feeling of yours. Remind yourself that you need to slowly repair all of the damage. They are wary of us...waiting for us to explode. I have not had those behaviors in about 8 months now (not a hint of them), and my H still tells me that he has a hard time trusting that it is all "real." So, together, Nitaf, we'll keep plugging away at this. We'll cry on eachother's shoulders, o.k?
Saturday H came over to take s bike riding and to wash a load of clothes. He picked up the mail on his way in the house. He opened something addressed to S. It was a magazine script. I said, why did you open S's mail? He said, well it had his name on it and the payment is late! WHAT ARE TRYING TO DO? MESS UP HIS CREDIT!!!!!!!! I said, you know what, I don't want to argue with you and I left it alone.
It is so anoying that he hopes and prays for something to complain about. I know that paying the utilities on time was a sore spot for him. I am making so many changes in so many areas of my life. I can't make them all at the same time. I don't appreciate him noticing nothing good, but complaining about everything, no matter how small! He doesn't have a lot to complain about anymore, but he sure can run with the smallest thing(like he did with a messy car trunk?!) Do they honestly not see the changes? Are they just so angry that changes are taking place that they have to find something wrong with you to divert them from thinking of their responsibiliy in the R ?
The other thing that concerns me is that we have never really had an R talk about what actually what wrong and why. The only time we had R talks, his response is let's D! At 1st he was confused . Then he wanted a D. It has been for months and he hasn't talked about D, but he has not mentioned reconciliation either. Do they actually talk about reconciliation or does it just somehow start to happen? It has been 6 mos and he still doesn't want o do things together as a family. Why? We are still the parents of S! My yheory is he is afrid that will make him feel connected or that will give me false hope. I know ASSUMING!!!!!!!
On a more positive note, my brother's W had her baby shower Saturday. H was there. It was very important to him to get an invitation. My in-laws were there as well. He had a really good time. It is so nice to see how connected he still feels to the family. My neices and nephews love him. He loves my siblings and he keeps in contact w/them.My in-laws absolutely love my siblings. The thing that pisses me off is that he treats my family so warm and me soo cold at times.
Hi nitaf, just stopping by to check on you. I don't know WHY they do it, but they sure do pick on every little tiny detail to focus on as a BIG problem while overlooking the good changes...in my case, my H one day threw a fit, went wild, that part of the reason for his A was that I bought 2 lamps at goodwill for the family room without consulting him (cost a total of about 15 bucks!) when he's NEVER wanted to be bother about such stuff before....another time, part of the reason for his A was that I was "mean" to him, destroyed all his dreams. When I asked how, he said I had told him he didn't need a kayak!!!!!!I have no recollection of ever having such a discussion, but I probably did tell him such a thing....now, considering this guy who lives in the middle of KS owns 2 canoes and 1 kayak, it could possibly be a reasonable observation, but he chose to focus on it as a reason why he had an A.... I'm convinced they do grab at straws to justify their actions......I believe the best course of action is just what you did....ignore it, let it roll right off your back. The more you try to point out the fallacy of their perceptions, the more attached to them they get, so just consider it "crazy stuff" and ignore it....Hard as heck to do, I know.
