Last night H was irritated because his treadmill didn't work, evidently it got damaged with whatever happened w/our electricity...but he went for a walk and calmed down, which was reassuring. today he is over in the building where OW is, and i havent heard much from him, I actually sent him the first email...I am so used to holding back in my "almost lrt" mode that it's now kind of scary to "go after him", but I'm going to try that and see what happens, going to start my own affair with him after he said he liked emails, and I could help him by keeping up the love notes and holding him...
I am still anxious to know he's over there with her. It will take me a long time to get past that, and I still can't believe he's come around....I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting that, if I read anyone elses thread that had my experiences of the last 10 days or so, I would be so envious.
I was going to journal a couple of comments H made in some of our discussions last weekend. They are kind of frightening, but worth remembering. He talked about having planned his suicide, having it all worked out to look like a car accident 2 different times when the roads were icy last winter....that would be easier on the children, and I would get the insurance money and it seemed most equitable. The male co-worker in the out-of-town office flat out refused to take his own car on those days and rode w/H, so H didn't carry out his plan....the co-worker must have known.
Last January or Feb, we were having fights and I ignored some of H's emails (seems like it was Feb.) H remembers that, told me with big eyes how much that upset him and shook him up and he didn't like it....interesting, I wonder if that perhaps started some of the turn-around.
H said that he told OW that if he was with her, he would be wishing he was with me and the kids.....
H also said OW has every book I do, including DR, but "being able to read them, being able to understand, and being able to do it are three separate things". Other books I have are "how to be a great lover", Romancing your husband, power of a praying wife, sex starved marriage, and one about orgasm in 5 minutes....I wonder if she has really read them all? I told H one of my biggest fears would be that OW would get DR and play the same game.
I did find a neat web site called www.RomanticIdeas.com was and got some neat, fun ideas to try to "spice things up" besides sex....I can't wait to get started.... I got the words to an old song..."still the one" (not Shania Twain's) and I'm going to type them up and laminate them, roll them up or frame them, and stick it in his cereal box so it falls out some morning as a surprise. That song's been sticking in my head lately, it feels like it was written by me, it is so exactly my feelings. Other fun ideas on that website, so I'm looking forward to starting my own affair...it's about time!!
Oh, I was packing for vacation sunday night and I found to pairs of expensive jeans I kept that I've been to fat to wear for years.....I know since S was little...I put them on and they not only fit, I'm sure I could wear a size smaller! Even H was excited for me!!!!!! (and probably for him, frankly ) I'm excited! still have a long ways to go but....I packed both pairs!
that's me, living in tommorrow, hehehe! try this one....I swear I posted a second time listing this yesterday, but I must have hit the wrong button or something, because it's not there now. http://www.romantic-lyrics.com/romanticideas.shtml I think this will work....and then you can find romantic ideas on the home page....
Gang, I need some help and insights here....H is waffling....I've felt it the last couple of days...If someone who has made it through this can share some thoughts on how to best navigate these trecherous moments, I am in desperate need.
So, here's what's going on: H has just pulled back a little, which someone told me to expect here, I was some what apprehensive when he didn't go to confession Sat., that probably doesnt sound like much to most folks, but to H that is a very significant thing, and I knew that the fact that he was adamant about going on Friday and by Saturday didn't do it meant he was waffling. it's almost like it's in response to all the weird stuff that's happened lately....I swear it is like the devil's work! H got up early this AM, said he was sick, I thought it was the middle of the night but realized it was 5 am....I got up at 6, just as H was coming in with my coffee. I've been increasingly anxious....just from the "vibes" I pick up from H....I told H I was anxious, that I'm afraid he will go back to OW...h said "that's not the intent"...not no I won't, not don't worry, just "that's not the intent"; I told him that I feel like he's still calling her....he said he didn't call her this AM...which confirms that he has been calling her... , As we were going to do chores I told him that I know that it can never be truely over as long as there is contact, and that there will always be contact as long as they work in the same place, and that she will never let go as long as he does call her, etc. H said that he believes it can be over while they are in the same workplace, that contact at work is now at the "how you doing level", that he's only in this office 1 day per week, and why did I think he was hoping to change jobs?.... He said he thought being on vacation for a while was going to help a lot.... AT one point I told him I wouldnt hold him if he didn't want to be here....he said he has told her he will never leave, that he could never leave our home, and that he was going to "do what's right" and that she is "moving on with things" (of course, maybe she's finally putting DR into action? ) I told him I hoped that was what he wanted, and my mind is kind of confused here, he said something about didnt' I think doing the right thing was important, and I said of course, but I hoped what was right included wanting to be in our home and with me....don't remember what he said... H made the comment that "you sure turned the tables and made the choices hard". I asked what he meant, and he said "I believed you didnt care so I would just find someone who did and go there, and it didn't work out that way".... Later I told him I sensed that he was still angry with me, and I wanted him to know that if that was accurate, I understood why he would be. He said he wasnt angry with me, but with some of the choices he has to make now. I told him I had truely always loved him, but readily admitted that I had done a poor job of showing him, he said he did know I'd always loved him. I also told him he is an enigma to me of sorts, because I know he can't stand intrusiveness, smothering and "cutesyness", that I can pretty easily become smothering, and that when I have tried to give him his space and freedom in the way I thought he wanted it, that he interpreted it as not caring. he agreed that he cant stand being "smothered" and the "bubbly stuff" wears on his nerves after a while... I was going to pack his lunch and hugged him, said "I really feel like we can build a great relationship if we want to work on it", he was trying to put on his clothes but hugged back and said "I wouldnt be here if I didn't want to be"....I left, went to work....
Got to work, saw H in parking lot, he waved at me, happily it seemed, but it's 10 AM and I havent gotten an email. He was wearing his wedding ring when I left this AM....
Help me figure this out....has this happened to the rest of you? WHAT do I do now? all I can come up with is "act as if", "do a 180", do more of what works....if this wasnt going on, I would be really going "gung ho" at spicing things up (with caution to give him the breathing room he needs) in an effort to build a new and better R/M....I've held back from that because he needed to make a committment for that to be appropriate, so doing it ("ging for it" would be something of a 180, and I THINK that is "what works" for the most part....but, What do I do now.....I'm so overwhelmed and confused again. This stuff never gets any easier. Lord I wish SHE would find another job....maybe she will...
I don't know, it's so hard not to feel hurt, this is the guy who was kissing my hand and telling me he was looking forward to 25 more good years 10 days ago, and now he's obviously having 2nd thoughts..........
Aw Deb, Try to hang in there. It sounds like he is just readjusting to his former way of life. You know, he has been living this double life for so long that it has become habit to him. I'm sure it will take a while to form a new habit and get used to life without the drama.
As far as the emails, I would write him first! Maybe find a funny e-card or something with some humor in it. I think the man needs a good laugh. And to remember that life DOES hold joy and happiness, even after you have screwed up so massively. If he sees that coming from you, he will be all the more drawn to you.
As far as confession goes, well, he probably does not feel that he SHOULD be forgiven just yet. Especially if he is maintaining contact with her, albeit much less than what he did. I, too, think that when he finally goes to conf you will know with full certainty that he is back!
Also can you imagine going into the confessional and saying that out loud?? Good grief, that would take some brass balls to accomplish that! I feel for him, but at the same time, it must be done. I will pray that he receives the strength to do it.
As far as the devil being present, I really do believe that is what's going on. I think that the devil works in very strange ways..such as the AC going out. Nothing that screams "devil!" but it is SUCH an inconvenience, causes stress and tension and crabbiness and could bring out feelings or words that otherwise would not have surfaced.
Also I found this website the other day that sends naughty e-cards. H would FREAK OUT if I ever sent him something like that, but maybe in time your H would enjoy something like that? They didn't look too over the top, just not "cutesy" like the love ones that are on bluemountain and sites like that.
Well, I'm off to check out the website you posted; looks interesting!
thanks honeypot....the encouragement helps me breathe deeply enough to hang in...
I'm glad to know you understand about the confession stuff....I figured it would sound really far out to everyone, but it is very significant to H...and yes, I've thought how tremendously difficult it would be to do that, very, very hard, I guess that's what makes it so huge....
Interesting about the devil....I've never given such things much thought before, but maybe I should have...this past weekend was just so incredibly weird, with all the stuff going out, and H's comment about the devil must be really mad at us, my mom's comment about the devil being at work on me trying to make me give up....never in our life has so much "stuff" just fallen apart all at once....and things that create huge amounts of stress, when stress has been an issue in H's life...I mean, the AC getting taken out (it was 109 degrees here this weekend), water spraying all over the basement and H's treadmill, which is a big stress reliever for H, giving out....just incredible....but I guess God was with us also, because other than I lost my temper w/the company who installed the water tank, we were able to get through it all and didn't turn on each other, at all really.... I pray that H will have strength, that we both will, and I am thanking God that we scheduled vacation now, and went ahead and made arrangements for it. The timing has to be God's grace....
) I'm excited! still have a long ways to go but....I packed both pairs! 
, As we were going to do chores I told him that I know that it can never be truely over as long as there is contact, and that there will always be contact as long as they work in the same place, and that she will never let go as long as he does call her, etc. H said that he believes it can be over while they are in the same workplace, that contact at work is now at the "how you doing level", that he's only in this office 1 day per week, and why did I think he was hoping to change jobs?....
) I told him I hoped that was what he wanted, and my mind is kind of confused here, he said something about didnt' I think doing the right thing was important, and I said of course, but I hoped what was right included wanting to be in our home and with me....don't remember what he said...