Ok Deb, now you have your answers. No more OW talk unless H needs to vent. He needs your support and understanding now. It is kinda of great though that she has turned nasty with him isnt it? This will make it easier on him to let go. My H had his OW on a pedestal saying that all men had hurt her (will duh, that is what happens when you go after married men especially when monetary support is one of the reasons) and now he was one of them and she was wonderful and didnt do anything wrong. Then she started in with the threats to call me and our sons, send us picture and the cards he gave her, threatened to hunt my sons down at their schools to tell them what a creep their father was etc and he finally started to get the picture. He wasnt the special man who could heal all her wounds, he was just another paycheck and surrogate daddy for her son. Big blow to his ego. Get ready for your vacation, stay upbeat and happy and most of all let him know with your actions that you trust him to handle this. Be his best friend. Be his stability. He has given you many clues about what he cannot handle (when he told you she was being mean, a loud mouth) so be the opposite. Be his strength. One more side note, your son. I know that you are a wonderful mom Deb, but your son is hurting too. Be aware of that. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own heartache that we tend to lose sight of what the kids go thru, especially someone as in tune to the two of you as your son. I have the same kind of son and he is finally after 3 years trusting we are a family. Too many times he saw my grief and H's bad behavior for his own good. Maybe you and H can do something special with your son this weekend, just the three of you. It will help him and keep your minds focused off of the situation and give you both a breather. Just my 2cents.
Put as much as you can behind you now. I am glad that your H saw OW's true colors. Ex-b finally told me about the downsides of the ex-OW in my case. But even better than that, were all the nice things he said about me. When he said he'd never find anyone as loving and caring to him as me - I know that means that includes ex-OW.
Your H is home, so it's time to work on that. I hope that he stops calling the OW. I didn't quite drop the rope in my case, I had nearly partnered with ex-b in finding out stuff about ex-OW last year before they split. But he found out how fickle she was (I already knew), and that ended it. He also found out about things she lied to him about. He was SO wrapped up in her, it was scary - but he finally figured it out himself. I could have done it myself - I could told her that me and ex-b were still ML, or done one of a number of things. But even though it'd have felt sweet to do so then, it would have hurt any chances of reconciliation with ex-b.
I did tell him what I thought about her and I also told my major dream of infliction on her (beating her up, but in detail). There is also a scene in a movie from recent which was VERY coincidental. I mentioned it to him, we'd seen the film together - and he said he knew I'd like that particular scene (it was like revenge on ex-OW in animation, that is all I'll say). I also said that I'd love to make targets for shooting out of her cartoon alter-ego...
So it's good to talk it out, just don't dwell on it.
Hi Deb - I am so relieved H seems to have truly turned the corner - looking forward to hearing how your Sunday in church goes. This is going to be tough, but you will have to stay calm. There may be more contact just to wind things up ahead. Be prepared.
And I totally agree with Debra - helping your son heal would be a wonderful joint project for you and H during your holiday. Kind of helps everyone put things into perspective.
Hi Deb, so happy to hear that your H finally found that OW is not that perfect after all. This gives me hope.
My H is still, sadly, putting OW on the pedestal. He told me that he needs to take care of OW's feelings. He said he can see that now I am free and independant but OW is (as always) breaking down, she is in need of help etc. He said they always fight now and when they fight, OW will tell him to just go. But he said that OW said that not in a bad way but as a way for her to fight her desire to be with H. I was . He is finding all sorts of ways to defend and protect her. Sigh...
When will he see the light? Maybe I need to be needy and weepy like OW?
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
So much happened this weekend, it is just all kind of mushed together, I'm not sure I can even put all the events in order, but there were somethings that I need to journal to keep track of, and I'm kind of worried about what OW might do.....I think she's being really weird....I just saw her drive by coming in to work at 10....who knows what's going on? I also have fears, still, that H might go back. I need to find a way to help him stay away from her....I guess it's really time now for me to start that affair!
I'll start back with Friday....when I posted Friday AM, I knew there was something H had said I forgot to record....now I recall....in our discussion that morning H made the comment that he didn't like the person he was becoming when he was with her, that he was becoming mean and nasty and always looking for a fight, just because he was around that so much....very interesting comment to me, because all I heard about when I found out about the A was what a "happy, spunky, easy-going person, spontaneous" person she was....and it makes me wonder if this whole mess was starting soon after she started to work here ( I had thought it started when she'd been here about 6 months) because I can put my finger on that exact month as being the time when my H became REALLY moody and hateful....even my brother asked once..."what's wrong with ...., he acts like he has PMS!" Anyway, I guess that's a good thing, that he admits he saw that....
Friday afternoon about 4, I went to the store to buy a window ac for our bedroom, it was so hot in our 2nd floor it was unlivable w/ the central air off....as I started to go, H said "don't be gone long"...took me about an hour, we installed it and I was working on cleaning in our room when H came in about 7 pm, had that "hit by a truck" look on his face, and said "I really need you right now"....I said sure, how can I help, if you want me to I would love to snuggle up and hold you"....H started crying and said "yes, I would really like that"....so we just laid on the bed, I held him while he cried and talked for 2 and 1/2 hours....luckily S and 2 friends were playing video games the whole time....but H was just brokenhearted, overwhelmed with grief and guilt....he started to tell me all kinds of stuff....I found out I was exactly right about her...I had her pegged right on the money...except I didnt even realize how mean and dumb she is.... H told me at that time that she became very demanding, especially at the end, that she always insisted he be somewhere at exactly a certain time, etc. ( ick, he has been going to see her on weekends when he said he was going to work)...that she was absolutely hateful to him, that he even told her once that he thought he'd had a$$ chewings before but knew now he'd never had a real one until he met her. He said she had really wanted him, especially at first when she was so much "in love" with him, but that he came to realize that there was always a condition attached....that recently she was really upset with him over something and pitching a fit and he told her "Deb wouldn't be treating me like that, she takes care of me" and she said "well then that's where the hell you need to be" and he said "you're right"....and the rest is history. Evidently SHE told him I didn't love him, that I only wanted him for his paycheck (so that's where that came from last fall!)....yeah right, that's why we've been together so many years, why we scraped and scrimped to put him through grad school when we didn't know if there was any light at the end of the tunnel....but he told her "no, I'm sure she loves me" and that made her mad... H said OW could sure put a guilt trip on....he never suggested she move out of town, and now she's blaming it all on him, and she can hardly make her property tax payments and summer is really bad because she doesnt get child support because her D is with her dad for the summer. H said he's given her $10 several times lately because she hadn't eaten for days. I didn't say anything, but I think that's a guilt trip....she has a mother and 2 sisters here in this town....Also, I'm guessing H gave her several hundred $$ recently. I know he had that much cash when we were at D's wedding, and then he was needing to cash a check for more a couple days after we got home, which was weird, he doesnt spend it that fast... H said that OW is a youngest, grew up in the military do has never lived any place more than a couple of years, and doesnt comprehend the stability that comes from long relationships. OW has a lot of animosity towards males because of so many bad experiences, but he doesnt see how anyone can stay with her long because of her temper and demanding personality. OW's husband had an affair and married his OW, and of course that didn't help.
H feels sorry for her D and worries about the child....she is 10, younger than S (thought they were the same age) and is starved for attention, is all alone in another town for 3 - 4 hours after school, broke her arm while she was home alone, H said it just makes him so sad and there is no way he would ever have that for our kids.... H said OW sees our life as affluent (that shocked me) because she has never had anything.... So this was all Friday evening....
Saturday, H slept in till 7! which means no getting up at 5:15 to call OW....he didn't go to the "office" either....I noticed he wasnt looking at his watch like he usually does...at one time we were hugging in our room, and I asked him if I would get to dance naked with him sometime now....(I know, I'm pretty demented from all this) and he held me really close and said "I just want to dance with you"...(h hates to dance)...I said "really!!??...and he said yes, I've realized that if I put as much energy into our R as I did the other one we could really go somewhere" DUH....but it made me happy.... we laid in bed and talked....H said it would have made it so much easier to leave if I had just thrown a big fit, but since I didn't it made him have to stop and think about what he was doing (seems like I read that somewhere)....I told him it was the hardest thing I had ever done to let him go, knowing where he was going, and he said it might have been but it was also the smartest thing I had ever done...He said it wouldn't have been the right thing to do to stop saying ILY (I debated so much) because he would have thought I didnt care and gone to OW....I told him about the t-shirt I'd found and been tempted to buy...the one that said "I try to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head up my a$$ that far", and he said "she would have just used that against you"...told him I knew, that's why I didn't get it, but I sure enjoyed it! AT one point H said I must be some sort of a saint (hasnt read my stuff here, obviously)...
I told him I wanted to help him heal, but he needs to let me know what helps....He said please keep holding me, keep sending me love notes, and I like emails. I told him I had backed off on the cards and notes etc. because I thought it would have seemed like too much pursuing before...he said he guessed it could have seemed desparate, but he needs them now....
I had bought a blank thank you card and wrote a thank you note in it and left it on his dresser before he got ready for church.....I wrote out a list of things on each side thanking him for them....had about 20....he came downstairs dressed for church and said "thanks for the card" and hugged me looking like he was going to cry.
We went to church, but I don't think he went to confession...he told me he was going to the restroom and was gone quiet a while, but I had my eyes closed praying, so I suppose he could have then but he wasnt gone that long....I would feel better if he had, but that is something he will have to handle.
This is going to sound weird, but I swear, both H and I have considered if the Devil himself isn't doing weird things this weekend....I know it sounds far out, but such weird stuff happened all at once, it's occurred to me that maybe he is so real and "concrete" that he would do stuff to discourage us from staying together, stuff that makes life seem hard and complicated...especially since that was one of H's excuses/complaints for the A.... Thursday eve, H & S got home and AC was off...Friday we got the AC guys to come out, they said it was in the wiring...we needed an electrician...I called 6 places, finally ONE called back friday evening and was out this AM to fix it....Hot, humid, miserable weekend w/no AC....Sat. AM, we wake up and the water treatment tank that takes care of our well water was leaking, spraying water all over the basement....the company that installed it was nasty....so I called a plumber, who did come fix it withing an hour....H was trying to drain the tank down and I was helping, and he asked if I thought maybe OW was a witch....I said "YES"...H laughed and said "I don't"....but made the comment it did seem like the devil was mad at us, but he'd sure rather have the devil mad than God..... Our feed supplier for the horses can't get there until after vacation....another last minute complication, so I had to find another.... I don't know, I guess it's just in my mind because my mother mentioned that the devil was at work not only by leading H astray but by tempting me to give up as well....I hadn't thought of that in my many dark hours.......
At one point in our discussions over the weekend, I told H that knowing how much I love him makes it even scarier to think of losing him....and makes it all so much harder to deal with...
H said that once lately OW was really agitated and said "Deb's never going to let you go" and he said "no, I don't think she will" and OW got really angry and nutsy.....
Yesterday late morning, H came in our room as I was putting away laundry, we wound up hugging and kissing and things steamed up and went to ; Later in the afternoon, H said he was going to nap for an hour, I asked if I could join him, and he said sure.....as we were laying there, he said, "would you hold me, I'm really needing you to".... of course I was happy to....
I'm really confused trying to figure this out....maybe I should stop trying and just "go with the flow"....the same guy who accused me of "sucking all his air away" a month ago when I tried to give him a little good night kiss, almost seems to not want me out of his sight now....
I don't know what to make of it....
Also, I think OW is calling, must be on her cell, Sat. AM while we were in bed or yesterday afternoon, the phone rang, H answered and hung up, said "telemarketer", but I swear I heard a louf female voice....same thing happened yesterday evening while we were watching TV....
should I do anything? should I ask H if she's calling, if he wants me to put a stop to it? I could block her cell # or we could get an unlisted #)....or should I just let it go? I honestly kind of worry if she's nutsy enough that I need to be watching my back, don't know if I should ask H about that or not....I just have this weird feeling, and so far my weird feelings have been right on track....
If anybody sees anything else I should be doing here, PLEASE jump in and pitch it out to me....I am as confused as ever, I have no clue what to do other than "stay steady", love him up, and enjoy having the great guy I married at least close to back.... Any one who's been through this find things that were particularly effective/important?
I'm so afraid he may go back to her out of guilt, although at one point in our talks H did say "how can you ever trust a person like that, given her track record?" (another duh...I told you so moment that went unspoken).....do they usually stay clear after all this kind of stuff?
There is also a scene in a movie from recent which was VERY coincidental. I mentioned it to him, we'd seen the film together - and he said he knew I'd like that particular scene (it was like revenge on ex-OW in animation, that is all I'll say). 
