Hi Pamila, I wondered how/where you were....How was your trip?
I know what you mean about praying it really is over....I sense how strong the pull is, that's what scares me, but I also hear the finality in his voice and see him wearing his ring for the 1st time in almost a year, so I do have hope. And I'm so thankful we will be gone out of state for 10 days to a special "family" place. Have you posted on your thread? I need to check out your sitch and catch up. Please keep me in your prayers! I need all I can get now more than ever!
hmmmmm....from casual appearances I almost get the impression H and OW are trying avoid each other....I just saw her go by on the way out, and H is probably not back yet. I think she used to hang around to catch a glimpse of him....yesterday H was out of the parking lot on the way to out of town office by 8, and she didn't get here till 8:15. They used to both be here by 20 till. I hope!
I hope that the chocolate killed the Crazymaker. 'Cause I noticed she's back! STOP IT NOW!
Try telling yourself that every time you bring her up in conversation with your H you are reminding him of HER. This is not what you want! I rather you stuff pieces of chocolate in your mouth to keep yourself quiet than continue like this! haha
Seriously, remember your DB skills and act as if. Your H finds you incredibily attractive when you act self-assured.
He's still hurting, obviously. Just don't push him.
Take care and have a great weekend! (Wish I could post more but I am on my way out of town. Will check in when I get back.)
H stopped by my office before leaving earlier, and somehow I sense that he feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders....I'm beginning to think the A has ended...He just seems more peaceful and content, I don't know how to describe it, it's kind of an intangible thing, probably someone else wouldnt even pick up on it. He just seemed "at peace" and "at ease". I hope so much I'm right. It would be more than I ever dreamed possible to get to that point this quickly....I'm sure there will be back slides, but maybe now we can really begin to move forward together. he is still wearing is ring, which is exciting to me. Maybe I can start to feel more relaxed now also. It's been such a long, hard haul it feels like, and for me it's only been since October....I cant even begin to comprehend what it must feel like for those of you who have been at this for years. I sure understand what it means when people say it's a marathon and not a sprint....I'm tired today, really bone deep tired. I think it's all starting to come to the surface....H commented this morning about how sleep deprived he was and how he needed to catch up on it...I know last night was the first time in 2 weeks he's slept more than a few hours at a stretch...I guess we've both been pretty tormented.
Hi Dawn....yep, the chocolate helped the crazymaker!!!!I will stuff my mouth with chocolate when she shows up, I agree that's a better alternative right now. I notice that the crazymaker REALLY picks up steam when I'm so tired, so that's a lesson too....hope you're going out of town for something fun....have a great weekend....
I guess I've been is such total shock over what transpired Saturday that the disbelief sprouts from that......It almost seems like a dream....I have to remind myself it really happened....H told me he realized he loves ME, someone else realizes it too, that I am an incredible person, and thanks for never giving up. He talked about all the fun things we need to do together....this grumpy guy actually kissed my hand....several times.... Ok, now I THINK it's finally starting to soak in....he couldnt have faked that....he is still hurting, it (she) was a big thing....a dream life....for him to give up, and that's hard.... I love him....I'm gonna take my bag of chocolate and go home and tell him...and sedate the crazymaker with the chocolate if she shows back up.
I woke up early this am and did a little reading on the bb. I love Debra's post from 6/09. It is very insightful.
Regarding your dream the other night. I am a huge believer in dreams and the power they have to speak what our unconscious only hints at (I mean this in a good way, not some whacked out mystical bs). Your dream, though scary signifies that you have put to death/laid to rest the relationship w/ OW. She is done, finished, over. Good for you! I think I may have posted on my own thread about my OW dream. I told her 3 things. 1. that my H was never going to leave me for her 2. that she was a fool for thinking my H was going to divorce me and marry her 3. that she was a w****
Since I will likely never have face to face contact w/OW that was a way to let her know that I had dismissed her and her power over me.
All that being said, it is very hrd to deal w/ the fact that our H's have a relationship w/ these OW's that goes beyond sex. If it was just sex or a one night stand it would be way easier to deal with.
W/o going into crazymaker mode keep in mind that OW is also grieving and may do some unpredicatable stuff. If that happens don't assume that your H was the initiator, she may be the one. The reality of finally losing him may cause her to "lose it" and try to get him back. I hope this doesn't happen but if we could count on OW's to do the right thing none of us would be here.
I am glad that you are soon going on vacation, when is that?
I am keeping you in my prayers, being in KS recently I thought of you often and tried to use that as a prompting to pray for you.
all the best, Pam
ps. what is this t-shirt story?... I can't seem to find the beginning of it.
Hi Pamila, I appreciate your insights on the dream, it was very frightening to me at the time, but not so much now. I do remember you posting about your OW dream now that you mention it. And, I'm with you about the power of dreams to guide us, again hopefully without sounding too flakey, but there have been so many times in my life when I have found the answers to tough problems coming to me through dreams.
I may not have posted much about the t-shirt....so the scoop: in Mid-November, as an early xmas gift to H and because I felt like he needed some time to himself (a month after I found out about A for sure) I sent him to our mountain vacation spot. H is into hiking/climbing, and one thing he always gets himself when we are there is a "black diamond" shirt....black diamond is a brand of climbing equipment. When he came home, he said he didn't get a shirt because they didn't have any, which I thought was really weird but oh well....then in January I found on his dresser a list of things to get back from OW....on it was "black diamond shirt"....so I knew he'd given his precious new shirt to her....but it's been interesting to see the things on that list slowly coming home, and when he stuffed that shirt into the laundry hamper last weekend, I just thought "huh, I think that about checks everything off the list" because I was sure thats what it was. and I was right.
Thank you for all your prayers, I'm also keeping you in mine.
Last night was interesting, I will post about it seperately in a minute.
We leave for vacation a week from today and will be gone through the 27th. I see god's hand in that timing!
So much happened last night and this morning that I need to post to be able to recall it well enough to sort through it all....It's already a blur...so, here goes: Last nite I got home at 9:30 to S11 home alone crying hysterically, H gone walking because he was upset and the airconditioner broken. Asked S what was going on, and he said his dad bought a phone card on the way home and called OW and he was so upset that he went to his dad before he called crying uncontrollably and asked him "is it over?" his dad answered "almost, it will be soon", went downstairs and called her, S heard his dad say "there is no other option" angrily, then his dad came upstairs and said "it's over now"....poor S was still so upset, his first words when I came in the door were "Can this family at least stay together long enough to go on vacation"....so obviously S wasnt convinced.... When H got home, we tried to no avail to get AC going, then went to bed. When we were going to bed, I calmly asked H what was going on w/OW, he got defensive and said "why", I said "I know you called her tonight and you've told me for the last 4 days everything, including phone calls, is all over". H said "do you want me to leave, because the options are either I'm here or I'm there, and I've chosen to be here". I just put my arm around him and said "I love you"....and H said "it is all over now, it's been "finishing things up stuff this week, and it's been a long, ugly awful ride. She is a loud mouth, mean a$$ and I'm sick of it. I'm going to go to confession Saturday so I can put this all behind me and get on with life". and we both kind of drifted off to sleep from there.
This morning the flood gates opened for H, it seems. His alarm went off at 5:30, he sat up on the side of the bed, and I scooted over to hug him, tell him good morning and rub his back. he acted this time like the back rub is the best thing that ever happened to him, and didnt rush off. He sat there quietly while I rubbed his back and then commented "well, we're still together in spite of Satan's best efforts" I asked "do you think it's Satan? and he said I'm not sure, but it seems like it". I found that interesting because both my mother and my MIL, one protestant and one catholic, have been saying exactly the same thing. Then H said "I guess we don't crumble easily"...As the morning went on H was very loving and hugged me a lot, and in the discussion told me he had tried to end things nicely but it had to get to the hateful point for it to end, and it was there now. H said that he used to think I was tough on him, but now he knew what tough on him really was. he said he realizes I take good care of him, that I'm a much nicer person than she is and he told her that and that he wasnt going to live his life going through that hell (which is weird because that's what he used to tell me). He said she was moody and angry and upset all the time, about everything, and chewing him out constantly, and part of it is because of her "game", that it's partly financial (I told him so!!!!but resisted saying that). that she wants someone there because financially things are really rough, especially now since she doesnt get child support in the summer, that she was "really trying to get her hooks in and loosing her patience wanting someone there now" and was saying "well you'll be paying...."and he was saying "no, I don't think so" He said he came to realize from all this what her game plan was, and that we had a much better and happier relationship. I said "maybe I should send her a thank-you note for that, and he said "I think the points wouldnt be understood"....we were talking that we had both learned valuable lessons from this, namely how important we really are to each other and how important it is not to take each other, our R and our family for granted, and how good things really have always been between us. H said he felt like he would be a much better therapist now, and I had to say I feel like I will be a better teacher.
H did talk about how he feels really bad for her D, because all she wants is some stability in her life, and she has never been in a school more than 1 year and never knows where she will be from one weekend to the next, and how that lack of stability causes such problems. Another I told you so I didn't say.... An interesting thing H said was that at S's religion class, OW had been trying to talk to S and S told her to "stay away from my family and stop making trouble for us" and "that really upset her". H was proud of S for having the guts to speak up and thought he was exactly right. S is very quiet, so that seemed uncharacteristic. I asked S and he said he never said anything to her although he wanted to....so, I am pretty sure OW was even saying that S was saying "mean" things to her to try to drive a wedge between H and his son, and that backfired big time.
So, I finally do feel confident that it is over....and if H goes to confession tomorrow, that will help. he takes these things seriously.
I can see so clearly now how important it was for me to drop the rope so that their R had a chance to implode....as long as I was involved and trying to control the situation, it took H's focus from what she was really like and put it on needing to defend/protect her. Only when I "let go" did he get a chance to see her true colors. and they came out big time, in neon.
But, I was EXACTLY right about her motivations.....poor H, he is such a sucker, he couldnt see it for the longest time, it must really hurt to finally see that someone you thought was so much in love with you was using you to get material gains. oh, my how sad. how terribly sad.
Well, I'm off work, going to run by the store, go home and fix lunch, look for an opportunity to ML, and enjoy the weekend. H says he's not going to the "office" this weekend Maybe I'LL start an A this weekend, with him! Hopefully the AC repairman will be there soon, one things for sure, that's an easier fix-it project!
and he told her that and that he wasnt going to live his life going through that hell 
(which is weird because that's what he used to tell me). He said she was moody and angry and upset all the time, about everything, and chewing him out constantly, and part of it is because of her "game", that it's partly financial (I told him so!!!!but resisted saying that). that she wants someone there because financially things are really rough, especially now since she doesnt get child support in the summer, that she was "really trying to get her hooks in and loosing her patience wanting someone there now" and was saying "well you'll be paying...."and he was saying "no, I don't think so"
Maybe I'LL start an A this weekend, with him!