Hi Deb, sorry i havent been around. Your thread is really inspiring. I sure can use a lot of advise here since we are in similar stage. My H and I will move in together, God willing by end of the month, but I am trying as hard as I can not to have expectation. I am just taking one day at a time and let H initiate the house searching. Will not press him. I guess soon I will be in exactly similar sithc with you. H already living together but still seeing OW. Thats what he told me tht he will continue to see OW until they part progressively.
it will be another difficult stage for me. Will learn from your stich though.
take care...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
I just wanted to post a bit more to you in addition to what I already have previously "said". Last night, while trying to type my post to you, H walked in and of course I had to cut that post short. (Lucky you, 'cause I really do get "long-worded/winded"!)
For Me, the hardest thing to get a "balance on" was the fact that I needed to continue to be positive/very affirming to my H, but still show him that I could indeed survive without him. He (I think!) saw that in my many changes. In addition to my many physical and personality changes, I would take off, last minute, without really mentioning where I was going/how long I was going to be gone. I did this mostly while he was gone (I suspected off seeing/talking to OW) He didn't say too much of anything about it to begin with...but after a while he began questioning me. Also, 'cause H was in Ohio (out of town/state) a lot working on a job, he would call me and find me visiting/partying with friends. This is what HE always did/does, NOT reliable, conservative "Totally"! I NEVER did this!! This was very good for me, as I (once again) became "outgoing" and very sociable and good for HIM to see that I was not just sitting at home waiting for him. H, I know, was partying big time in Ohio and also I know there was an OW there. Again, this is all about YOU "developing" your life for yourself. In process of doing this I suddenly did not appear so needy/dependent on H. I guess that is really putting this in "short form". I'm sure you've seen this type of situation posted somewhere else on these boards. I just thought you would be interested in knowing that it does in fact help tremendously ... with growth within yourself and your with your R with your H!!
Oh! .. Also, I had to come to terms with the fact that I could no longer talk about H's issues. (Mainly OW!) I had begged/argued/pleaded/wrote letters! ... the whole gammut. He knew exactly how I felt/where I stood. I couldn't say anything more. I developed the attitude that I was not ready to push either one of us moving out, so I just had to watch/wait and see what happens, WHILE I continued working on myself. I, at one time, had made up my mind that if things "continued" as they had been (him still having his "friends" etc...) I would DO something (separation/divorce?) soon after D graduates. Well it has gotten to "that date" and HE has done the total turnaround.
I typed this very quickly while at work. If my thoughts don't seem very organized, please forgive me.
Hi all, thanks so much for the input. I get so much help to keep going just from reading it. Not to mention that I don't know what I would be like by now if it wasnt for this board. yesterday we went to the funeral of H's family friend, kind of his "2nd mom", and I know H was deeply affected. we had an hour drive each way, and while I was supportive of H, I just had the oddest feeling of being disconnected from the whole sitch....I found myself thinking, considering, debating in my mind "maybe I should just leave"....really weird....sort of like I've done all I can do, maybe it's time.....Although I really love him and don't want that at all.... In the night H had a nightmare that made him scream, he actually screamed 4 times and it woke me up, to say the least. I patted him and asked if he was ok....he was really shook. He was still shook in the morning, and it took him awhile to tell me about it. he dreamed he was looking out our living room window, and a black spot came slowly in the sky from a long way off, got bigger and bigger as it got closer, and then it was the "grim reaper" looking in the window at him.....Probably related to the funeral, but strange that he should have that, he said it was so real and vivid. I feel like it has to do with mlc issues as well, H has been talking alot about this kind of stuff lately.
H seems closer and warmer today, but I'm more anxious than I have been for a while. I guess partly because it's so hard not to get my hopes up. H initiated ML this morning, and was more tender than he has been lately. He held me afterwards, which he hasnt been doing lately, and snuggled, and of course that's all it takes to melt my heart.
jumping around here, but last night H told me "thanks for supper" again....this seems so small, but is such a change from how he's been for years, I cling to the hope that it means something.
H is supposedly at the office now, I hope and pray he is but am really struggling with asking him if he's still seeing OW...I don't know, it just is so still hard for me to let go of....before he left, he gave me a long, tender kiss and hug....didnt rush off....talked about maybe we will finally have some time to relax on vacation, and how hectic life is. He should be back in an hour.
Yesterday S and I saw OW when we went into Target....poor S was so shook, I noticed her car as we were going in the door, and he actually wanted to know if we should leave and go somewhere else. I told him no, that we weren't going to live our lives on egg shells and running away from her and just to come on and we'd do our business. So as we get IN the door she's at the check out counter, don't know if she saw us, but it's probably hard to miss....S blurts out "there she is"! and points, so I had to step in front of him and calm him down, but he said loudly "my god she looks like a man with that stupid wacked off haircut...her hair looks like mine". I didn't get a good look but it looked like it was kind of spiked out all around, kind of "punky".....I wonder if SHE'S trying to update her look to compete?????huh, I could be wrong but I don't think that's what H goes for.....he was talking about another gal at work not being very feminine, so I know he notices those things.
Oh God I hope he's not still seeing her, that he's at work right now, and that I can keep my mouth shut.....I also hope he absolutely Hates OW's new hair cut. Gotta go water flowers and balance the check book, which is in bad bad shape, I'm afraid.
If anybody has any inspiration or insight, I can sure use it.
Almost forgot to post, D called last night and H had a nice conversation w/her. they used to be really close and had a great R, then when this all happened, it really went down the tubes, they actually refused to speak to each other for months.....D was so furious w/him, and H was furious w/D for being angry and having the nerve to tell him he was full of s--t and had no right to be doing what he was doing....his take was that she didn't understand how miserable he had been and had no right to judge him. wow, they were furious with each other. So it was great to hear them enjoyind talking together. Does this sound like reconnection to you all?
Totally, wanted to let you know I'm considering your suggestions and how to implement them.....I havent dismissed them, just gotta figure out how to fit them into my life....
I think you are the one who just posted that there was nothing else to say about the A to your H, that he knew where you stood and how you felt. I'm at that point w/my H....he knows darn good and well how I feel, I keep thinking deep down he's going to get rid of OW, I feel like he's coming closer to me, but I find it so hard not to need reassurance from him in this regard.
I don't know if I will be able to resist asking him when he gets home or not.
If I write him the letter, it will be to tell him I understand my part in contibuting to the A and how it happened.
Hi Deb, and TC - Just wanted to pick up on something that resonated with me
Quote: For Me, the hardest thing to get a "balance on" was the fact that I needed to continue to be positive/very affirming to my H, but still show him that I could indeed survive without him.
I still struggle with this, partially because I'm afraid that if I'm not with H during his free time, he will hook up with OW again
But mainly it is the balance thing. How does one create a 'safe' relationship and still maintain mystery? Slowly
Hi Slowly, I know exactly what you mean...that's exactly where my heads at....plus, I've been taking up the slack for S11 since his dad's been so distant....I can't leave that poor kid in the lurch....and I don't have any good answers.
I've been sitting here staring at my computer for an hour, trying to think what to post/say....cant focus on work either, so I guess I need to post....I am absolutely blown away and in shock and am more in need of guidance now than ever before, I think. And I'm very, very frightened, surprisingly.
My prayers have been answered, and I did get my miracle, H is back, big time, all the way, OW is history. When I think back to a year ago, I see that God truely has worked a miracle in our lives. and now we still need his miracles and guidance and that from all of you here as we try to build our new marriage. I think I will post an update seperately here in a minute....every thing happened after H got home Sat. night......(obviously it was in the works while he was gone)
I thought I would try to post my chronicle/update...my mind is such a blur today....and was worse yesterday...I'm just over whelmed...it's so bad I went through the drive through at Mcdonalds on the way to work this morning to get coffee, paid for it, and drove right through and forgot to pick it up. Maybe I need to take a sick day....I havent slept for 2 days, this is all so weird when something finally happens that you've worked so long and hard for.... Sat. eve. H got home about 6:30-I was watering flowers and saw he came from direction of OW's (ulp)...I have hoped and prayed that he was being truthful about not going there, but think he has but I guess it doesnt matter now. I was in the kitchen when H came downstairs and started setting up the coffee maker. I noticed he was wearing his wedding ring...I about fainted but acted "as if" nothing was different, didn't say a word.
H went outside to do chores, came back in a little later wanting my car keys to put it in....I started to walk by him to get them, stopped, told him I had to give him a hug, and somehow it evolved into a tearful, 1/2 hour long hug/discussion/recommitment. H told me "it's over, everything is completely over, no phone calls, no nothing, you don't have to worry"...I've realized you are the one I love and someone else realizes it too. We were meant to be together".
I told him I've been working on trying to write him a letter to tell him I understand how things came about and that I was sorry for letting him down the way I did, that I had always loved him and never intended for things to get so off track and intend for them not to ever again. H said it was ok, the important thing is for us to forward now and that we could have another 25 good years together. H said there was no way he could leave me, our home, our children, the "critters", our grandchildren to come, and no way he could put S through what D does to kids.
All I could say through my tears was "thanks", and that I was committed to learning to love him the way he needs and wants to be loved, but I need him to help me know what that is and how to go about it.
H was very mournful and tearful a little later, and saying that he was going to get his priorities straight, that it wasnt worth doing all the paperwork on weekends (makes me think he wasnt!!) because he wouldnt get a raise anyway, and that he was going to make it a priority to be home so we could enjoy the weekends, that we would go to church together every week, and he could do things w/S
H became very mournful and tearful a little later, we were standing in the kitchen and his face was all flushed and contorted....I put my arms around him and said "I know this has to be very hard for you, and I'm so sorry, I want to do what I can to help", and he put his head on my shoulder and cryed like a little kid, said he's made such a helluva mess for 3 people that it was just horrible, how he had made plans to commit suicide last winter....that "it" had been real, it wasnt an infatuation.....and cried and cried and cried and cried....he said I was an incredible person and "thanks for never giving up"....I told him I still had a lot of work to do on "me" and he said "I have faith in you"....
He asked if we could just turn off the tv and sit on the couch and talk....we did for a while, then H was so wiped out, he said he thought he'd just go up to bed, would it be possible that I could come up pretty soon and hold him, because he was really needing that....I told him sure, so by 8:30 on Saturday night we were in bed. H cried and cried, acutually kissed my hands, told me I was his treasure....hugged me, put his head on my chest, totally out of character......neither of us slept well at all though.....
Sunday morning H was supposedly doing weights, I had to run to the store so I went down stairs to ask if he needed anything....he was in the room where he calls OW from with door shut and light on....I said his name and he came out and said "I wasnt on the phone!" I said "I didn't ask, I just wanted to see if you need anything from the store"....said he didn't...when I got back he was still in and out of that room more than he was doing his weights, I'm guessing he must have his letter, pics, and emails stashed down there and was going through them in mourning....
When he came upstairs, I lost control and said "are you really not calling?" and he said "You aren't getting it....it is completely and totally and absolutely over....she doesnt want to hear from me". I told him I was sorry for asking, he said "I don't blame you, but it is all over. I think she is your biggest ally in this" I asked what he meant by that and he said "she believes we need to stay together, that there's too much there for us not to. And no one can disagree with that"....
We kind of went through the rest of the day in a daze....I got some cleaning done in our bedroom, watched a little D-day tv w/h (he seemed disappointed and asked "you arent going to watch this? when I said I was going to clean)we did talk about plans for the future, getting his weight room fixed up, the camper going, etc.....neither of us could sleep well again last night, at one time H was grumpy that I was making it even harder for him to sleep, then apologized for being grumpy....
And then we go through our rushing routine this morning to get to work....BUT H IS WEARING HIS WEDDING RING! That's how I always knew I would be able to tell when it was over and he was "back"....It seemed so far away and impossible for so long, I still am in shock and can't believe it.
