Hi dfb, I'll try to get by, may have to do so later, I have to get ready to teach a class tonight....get this: Parenting after Divorce, a class required for parents of minor children who are divorcing. gulp. I've taught it for 18 years, but it has a whole new meaning to me now. Some nights it's pretty tough to teach, because it's hard to talk around the lump in my throat! Ususually I do ok except a couple of months ago I had an aggressive jerk with a chip on his shoulder who wanted to know if I was divorced, and I had to just stop talking and stand there for a few minutes to regain my composure. I did it though! look out academy awards, here I come. I'm always relieved when class is over though!
Hi Rottz, you know you can't leave the BB don't you? we all need you here too much!
the weight seems so slow....I think I was down 2 or 3 lbs on Sat. from the week before, but I've been inhaling chocolate this week, not good at all! other than maybe I've eaten so much I'll be sick of it and give it up! I feel that way at the moment, that's for sure.
How's the weight loss? I'm caving - H keeps buying me ice cream -which I can't say no to - and fried foods - which I don't even really like, but somehow don't say no to.
Not good.
My ex-b loves food - I spent a lot of time with him the past three weeks eating with him. BUT - when he wasn't around, I ate healthy. And when he was around, I ate junk in a limited way. If he asked if I wanted an oreo ice cream sandwich, I said yes - but I'd split it with him. If he bought fried chicken tenders for dinner, I'd have a couple of them - not more than that. I don't want to eat only healthy around him - I want to enjoy him and food and such, but I can do it in a way that doesn't make me overeat either.
Nevanna, what was keeping your H from coming home? feeling that he couldnt be forgiven?
My H has told me before that I deserve better than him and that he can't be forgiven.....last winter he was actually considering suicide, he was so down over this mess. I really believe he was considering it.
Boy, as I look back, those were dark, desperate, difficult days.....I guess things are better now than they were even then, not going as far back as last summer. It hurts to even remember how bad it was.
Nah, I am not going anywhere. I know that we won't be getting D, but I also know that H has a lot to learn, and a lot to grow. I won't be satisfied until he is regularly giving me my primary LL again - PT. Holding my hand, kissing me, etc. Until that day, I'm stuck here. Even after, I may visit. But, by then, you will be well on your way to healing, I just know it.
thanks Rottz, I so hope you are right....I swear I could feel it coming in your sitch, isnt it funny/weird how it's easier to see things from a distance, or to see them more clearly? H stopped by my office on his way home, gave me a hug and smooch, said "we shouldnt be doing this, we could get caught"...hehehehe....but it was nice....I told him I needed it to get me through class, which I'm not at all enthused about. well, gotta go get set up....have a good weekend, I'll try to check in with everyone sometime then!
Hi Deb, I have read through your thread very quickly. I posted on this BB a lot up through (I think) last spring. My most recent thread (last spring) was called "Friendship Saga Continues". I have tried repeatedly to paste that URL here and for whatever reason, am not successful. If you click on my user name totallyconfused, you should be able to find that thread ... if your interested in reading any of it. I warn you it might be tedious, 'cause I definitely did my share of ranting, raving, tantruming and crying.
I wanted to post to you though, 'cause I'm thinking that there are some similarities. I have definitely "morphed" into something better than I had been. H is commenting on it ALL of the time now. In the past month ... his compliments have almost been too much. Sometimes I don't know how to act/respond to all of his attentions! I'm not complaining mind you ... just kind of still in the "in awe" stage and his total turn around! He now all of a sudden concerned about me talking to other men, other men looking at me, wondering if I am attracted to other men , etc... etc.. etc..
It took what I felt/thought was a long time. But I'm thinking that maybe he has finally come around. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much, as time will tell that...but I am really enjoying it for the time being.
What preceded my H's "turn around"? Most recently it was a trip I took to Cancun with my D18. She just graduated high school and that was our gift to her. I took her and a one of her friends along. I/we had a great time and did not hide it! My H has questioned me a lot about the trip .. wondering who I "hung out" with, who I met, ... on and on and on. He is still questioning me and its been almost two months since we've been back. Also .. just recently, there was a mutual friend that neither H or I had seen for quite a while. When walking into the local "watering hole" H and I frequent, this guy was there...walked over to me, gave me a big hug and (apparently ... from what H said) really gave me the once over .. so much that H thought that I must have been leading this guy on! (I don't see this guy, only when I am with H! LOL!)
I'm trying to keep this short and sweet, 'cause I tend to be long-winded...errr long worded..whatever! In my opinion, I want to tell you I think you're doing awesome! Continue with all of your wonderful goals. I'm not sure if these next couple of suggestions were in there, so if they are... just take it as affirmation that it does indeed work. Make sure you purchase a lot of new sexy lingerie, sexy tops and snug fitting jeans (things you think he will like.) This was so unlike conservative totallyconfused (me) that my H began questioning me on THAT also! Since last winter I really do have a total new look ... I love it, he loves it and I still am getting compliments. Oh...and just so you know, it took a long time for my H to mention to me that he noticed all of my great improvements. So be patient! I'm wondering if you need to add a little mystique, though? I mean continue to be positive/affirming to him, but maybe not so "available" all of the time? Is it possible that you go out with the girls occasionally? Or just plain out ... without really telling him where your going? You mentioned (I think) that he has "unexplained" OW time .. why not take that time to get dressed to the nines and spend time at your local bookstore or meet a girlfriend for lunch/dinner etc? As much as you might be worried about how he would respond to that, I'm here to tell you that it does work! Of course you know your H best and need to determine just how far you can and/or need to take this. A little wondering certainly can't hurt ... we are doing/have done enough of it ourselves, haven't we?
Quote: I have come to the realization that I cant force the process on him, I can only (perhaps) help it along, and the most effective way to do that, I believe, is by meeting his emotional needs and making our M and home a safe place to be....
This was the biggest thing, for me, I think, that lead to H's coming home. I know he wanted to for quite some time, just somehow couldn't. When I really began to understand how to meet H's emotional needs, he was suddenly coming around more and more often, and began calling me multiple times during the day.
Quote: My H has told me before that I deserve better than him and that he can't be forgiven.....
H said that, too, right before he left me. (Well, kicked me out. ) After telling him that wasn't true for a very long time...I finally decided to try to show him instead. I started telling him what a good guy he was, how affectionate he was, how thoughtful--tried to build up his ego, basically, since I felt like he had no self-esteem. I made sure he knew every time he did something that made me feel good. I realized that I had always thought about how much I appreciated him, but he didn't know that.
Quote: .....last winter he was actually considering suicide, he was so down over this mess. I really believe he was considering it.
H and I both hit that point. This may sound pretty pathetic, but the only thing that kept me going those first few days and weeks was the slim hope that I might be able to be with him again, no matter how far down the road that was going to be.
With my H, the biggest help was giving him that comfort zone so that he could move back at his own pace. He had already basically opened up to me again, and we were acting like a couple again, even before he officially recommitted. We talked about it some...he told me that what helped him was that I let him come back when he was ready. I stopped pressing, I didn't ask him to, I just let him get comfortable again.
I guess what I'm trying to say, and rambling in the process, is that the best thing you can do is create an environment where your H can feel emotionally safe again. Where he won't feel judged for how he feels.
Oh...and the other thing I think helped me out...I stopped thinking of it as "alien" behavior. I finally, really, truly understood how that aspect of his personality fit in with the rest. Which meant that I accepted him, wholey and completely, which I had never truly done before.
Thanks Totally and Nevanna...I am going to really work at incorporating both of your suggestions, and the encouragement is so helpful. I do need to be more mysterious. I've seen little flashes of jealousy in H...He was pretty fired up when my old bf from many many years ago was at D's wedding and obviously thrilled to see me.
Nevanna, your last paragraph about accepting how the "alien behavior" fit into your H's personality really hit me, and that total acceptance comes at that point. I need to really think on this, and need to read through your thread more
What on earth would I ever do with out you folks here on the board? it is so tremedously encouraging to know that people have made it through this....some days it's the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. Gotta go home after 13 hours here at the office and see what's up, so talk to you all later. Have a great weekend, all!
Hi Deb - What great insights from Totally and Nevanna - I don't have much to add, other than cheer on your incredible efforts. You have a lot of energy, which will be just so hard to resist when focused. GO YOU!!!
) After telling him that wasn't true for a very long time...I finally decided to try to show him instead. I started telling him what a good guy he was, how affectionate he was, how thoughtful--tried to build up his ego, basically, since I felt like he had no self-esteem. I made sure he knew every time he did something that made me feel good. I realized that I had always thought about how much I appreciated him, but he didn't know that. 
