I'm very happy for you two. Since you both are experiencing a turn around in your situation, just want to ask a question or two.
Did your H's ever fight with you about money when they moved out? Do you both work and are you self supporting? Did you have to depned on your Hs for support financially?
Were they ever really very angry - even incandescent with rage? Really unpleasant?
Or merely shifty, lacklustre, sad, depressed, evasive, strange, you know what I mean.
Thanks a lot!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
My H never moved out. He almost did at XMas time, but I asked him to stay through the holidays and then it just never came back up. My H and I both make a very good salary together, plus we are landlords. So, yes, I am self sufficient. I am a worker, and always have a million irons in the fire. Part of what came between us was me always having new projects to make money. Bookkeeping business, real estate investing, day trading, my job, etc. etc.
So, money is almost always a sticking point in any relationship. Even when we had lots, we had differences in opinion about how to spend it. Now that I have cut back on my endeavors, we have less money, and now we have differences in opinion about how to spend it. See a trend?
I have been very, very angry, and tried to DB by being pleasant. That's why the fight occured with my H this weekend. I know he wants a motorcycle and I was going to sell my truck to pay for it. I have a BMW and we can't afford three expensive cars AND a motorcycle. I'm a college student also, and had to put classes on hold now that I am not working as much. So, something has to give. I ASSumed H wanted me to sell my truck to buy his motorcycle, and he really didn't want me to because he didn't want the guilt of me driving something I don't really want just to make him happy with yet another toy.
So, holding it in does not work well for me. I am going back to my old ways of discussing everything openly and honestly with H as soon as it comes up. Otherwise the resentment builds.
Mostly, though, no. H and I rarely argue. That's another of our troubles. Because we are so similar, I mean almost cut from the same mold, we have so much in common and I expected him to be EXACTLY like me in every way. Instead of cherishing our differences.
I think a big turning point in our R was when I changed from telling H he had to be like me or else there was something wrong with him. (being able to plan events, vacations, do the bills, etc) I finally realized that hey, our differences make us unique and actually compliment each other. So, we have very many things in common -and some things that aren't, but that fill in the blanks in our R. For instance, H can fix a toilet, and I can budget for our household. Together, we make a great team.
As you say, money can be at bottom of a lot of problems, and having lots doesn't mean no money problems!
I think being a stay at home mother at the time of the bomb creates special problems though. The stress of having no partner, AND the possibility/reality of no/little money is very stressful!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: I think a big turning point in our R was when I changed from telling H he had to be like me or else there was something wrong with him. (being able to plan events, vacations, do the bills, etc) I finally realized that hey, our differences make us unique and actually compliment each other. So, we have very many things in common -and some things that aren't, but that fill in the blanks in our R. For instance, H can fix a toilet, and I can budget for our household. Together, we make a great team.
Wow...can I relate to this...I too share this as a big turning point in my r...when I stopped trying to make h feel flawed for not doing things like I do...
There's been a definite shift in h's attitude,too...now he's very verbal about the qualities in me that he appreciates and he often seems proud that he's picked up some traits/mannerisms/etc from me AND that he's seen me pick some up from him.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: he appreciates and he often seems proud that he's picked up some traits/mannerisms/etc from me AND that he's seen me pick some up from him.
Sage, I can second this for sure! H often gives me the same impression, that he is proud of picking up some of my traits, and proud of me for being who I am.
I'm also very excited because H seems to think we are going to make it through intact. He seems to think we are on pretty solid footing now. I am so happy. Here's some sparkly fairy PMA dust to make you all as happy as I am.
Here is some of an email exchange we had at lunch.
Me: Checked out what a financial planner makes and it's about $10k more than what I supposed to be making. Maybe I'll look into it.
H: You should. You'd be great at it!
Me: I am a bit worried that if I go and do another thing, you know how I get gung ho about things, and then I fizzle, but in the meantime, I neglect you and our marriage.
I did that with real estate and my bookkeeping business. I think that contributed a lot to us going downhill.
I really feel good lately about us. You made me feel special this weekend like you have not in ages. I hope I've been making you feel good also.
If I go and take this class and then change jobs, what about US? I had wanted to focus 100% on our marriage for the immediate future. Now, we can really use the money it would make for us, but by the same token, I would rather live like we are now and have a chance of our marriage surviving than be rich living with a house on each continent and a butler for my butlers, but being without my husband and best friend.
I realized that recently, how much more important we are and our friendship is than anything else I could have in my lifetime.
H: Go for it! I think our relationship can withstand it. I really think you should do it. Really.
Me: You're making me cry. Have I told you lately how very special you are and how much I really appreciate you?
I wish I could make you something yummy (and healthy) tonight to say thank you, but I have that thing for Arlene. I'll find a way to show you how special you are. Promise.
Rottzilla, You made me cry.(I really did) I am so happy for you. Everything seems like it is just about in alignment for a long and happy marriage. Keep it up.
I wish we got medals or trophies when we manage to overcome adversity but in getting a brand new marriage with our spouse is better than any prize. I am so happy for you! Congratulations for those wonderful goals achieved and it won't be long until you tick off the whole list.
Vanessa
Current Thread Me: 39, H: 35 Kids: S14/D13/D11 1995-04 Married 2003-08 Bomb 2003-09 Separated
Hey Rottz - Wow - second thread with awesome news from the weekend - first Deb, now you - I cannot describe just how good this feels Your husband is one lucky man - you hung in there for him. Oh, this is so nice (sorry Betsey) this is so lovely. Slowly
Second success I read in an hour. How inspiring and motivating this is. You've done a great job rotz. I hope to be in your position soon. Hopeful, hopeful, hopeful....
You go girl!
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Quote: Now, we can really use the money it would make for us, but by the same token, I would rather live like we are now and have a chance of our marriage surviving than be rich living with a house on each continent and a butler for my butlers, but being without my husband and best friend.
Here's something I read a while ago -
"The secret of having it all, is loving it all."
I like it!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
See a trend?
