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Nita-
That is exactly what I needed to do - no big deal - I was just being hormonal and a little weirded out. I needed downtime yesterday and I just didn't get it, so I was hyper in an irritable way, and he was hyper, and as he described it, we were just "off."

On an odd note, he was discussing buying a new house with some land attached to it (since we need to sell ours). At first I was just sort of indifferent, because I thought he was talking about just himself, but apparently he meant all of us...weird, huh? He wasn't direct about it - just kind of hinting around. He also told me that he had tried to buy a car for me, but his business partner sold it out from under him.

I am going to take a couple days break from things, I think. I have a class this evening from 7-8 in Car Seat safety (boring, but a good chance , and lots to do on the house this weekend. Just going to take some time for R and R, so I may be on a short hiatus from the board.
Lots of love to all,
Myrrh

Well, folks - This thread is a VENT, and does not necessarily reflect the ideas of the poster when rational...

Am I allowed to just call a hiatus from H? Right now I just don't seem to be able to deal with him without being emotional, and since I am pretty sure our MC will be completely supportive of him when he finally decides to D me, I think this will probably be the end of stuff.

I JUST CAN'T DO IT. DBing demands a level of perfection and emotional control I am apparently just not strong enough for right now. I understand exactly why my H wants to D me - because I can't stop getting so emotional, being irritable, etc. And much as I try to be this pleasant, nonchalant person, it just isn't working. I screw up all the time. I am in IC, and MC, and I still act like an idiot, and in the meantime he is calm, and happy with his life. He is fine, and will be fine no matter what I do. If I went out and filed for divorce tomorrow, he would be fine with it.

I keep waiting for him to throw up his hands and say - you keep making me frustrated and irritated. I am divorcing you. For real this time.

There's no understanding of me. There's no empathy, and with the DB approach, I am not allowed to ask for any or even wish for any. I can't do this tonight. I just want to hide under my bed.

I am not answering my phone and I am going to bed as soon as Salmost2 does. It's time for today to be over.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Myrrh
I am emotionally exhausted, and I just want some time when I don't have to deal with him, but I am so afraid that if I am not constantly available to him, he will disappear. And honestly, if he does that, I guess things weren't meant to be.

I will not call H again today. I have a choice, and I am a rational, thinking, human being. So even if it kills me, I will NOT call him back today!
I won't! Not once!

Here's the plans from here on out this evening:
1) Clean up after S finishes his dinner.
2) Spend fifteen minutes doing dishes.
3) Spend fifteen minutes sorting the dirty laundry in the hallway and bagging it up to go to the laundromat.
4) SPend fifteen minutes in Rhane's room cleaning it up.
5) Give Rhane a bath, and spend fifteen minutes on the bathroom while he is splashing.
6) Get Rhane's teeth brushed, get him in jammies, and get him to bed.
7) Get my face washed, my pajamas on, and myself ready for bed.
8) Lay out my and S's clothes for tomorrow.
8) Work for a while on my two workbooks for IC.
9) Lights out and hopefully sleep.

You probably all think I am nuts for being this detailed, but I am just trying to get through a crappy time emotionally right now.

Tomorrow the agenda is:
1) Wake up at 9am.
2) Make my bed and S's bed.
3) Shower and dress S and myself.
4) Drop S off at daycare
5) Take back library books and videos.
6) Go to IC at 11am.
7) After IC, go to work and work through to-do list until 5pm.
8) Pick up S from daycare after work.
9) Take S home, give him snack and juice.
10) Settle down with an afternoon movie so I can rest for a while.
11) Make dinner for S and I.
12) Clean up after dinner.
13) Spend fifteen minutes doing dishes.
14) Spend fifteen minutes sorting and bagging laundry in the hallway.
15) Spend fifteen minutes cleaning up Rhane's room.
16) Give Rhane his bath, and spend another fifteen minutes on the bathroom.
17) Get Rhane in jammies, brush teeth, and get him in bed.
18) Get ready for bed myself.
19) Lay out clothes for tomorrow.
20) Work in my workbooks.
21) Lights out!

And finally, the plan for Saturday:
1) Wake up at 9am.
2) Shower and dress S and I. Eat breakfast.
3) Finish sorting and baggin up laundry in the hallway.
4) Spend fifteen minutes cleaning out my car.
5) Load laundry to be done into the car.
6) Fix lunch.
7) Clean up from lunch.
8) Go cash my paycheck.
9) Visit the local resale shop to find a couple of good light fiction books.
10) Take Rhane home and put him down for a nap.
11) During Rhane's nap, lay down and nap or read.
12) Head to laundromat and get the clothes washed and folded up.
13) Head home in time to get ready for church and head there. Fix us something quick to eat - sandwiches or something.
14) Go to church!
15) Come home from church and finish putting away clean laundry if not done.
16) Do fifteen minutes of cleaning in Rhane's room.
17) Bathtime for Rhane, finish up the bathroom cleaning if not already done.
18) Rhane to bed.
19) Lay out clothes for next day.
20) Get myself ready for bed.
21) Do some reading in my new books!
22) Lights out.

I'll see how I get through the next 48-72 hours, and get back to everyone.
Hugs from psycholand,
Myrrh

Hi Myrrh - I think most dbers go through exhaustion, you are not alone. LL ha an entire thread called tired You have been doing so well, which has taken a lot of hard work. Getting tired is totally understandable.

The thing is, be kind to yourself, if yo don't feel like dealing with the outside world today, so be it. Heck its your life. Me too, I'm trying to take a rest on my journey. Don't beat up yourself so.

And that list of things to do - will it make your day better? If so, go for it. I say whatever works is good.

With NG, I have laid my cards on the table. That I have good and bad days, and on bad ones, I don't feel like interacting too much. Not him at all, just me, and that I need some space sometimes. NG understands. Dustin will too, one bad day should not have him running to other women, should it? There are other issues ....

Sending you a big hug today. Slowly

Myrrh --

Wow. I remember the feeling you described SO WELL -- where it just seemed to take so much energy to get through the next hour of DB'ing. Early in our post-bomb days h was in the national guard and would be gone for 1 weekend a month. Those were the days when I literally stayed in bed until noon (and I get up at 5:15 most weekdays!) because every cell in my body was tired. (Of course, no kids here so I had that option!)

I don't think that your detailed agendas sound strange at all...I can totally relate to feeling as though a planned day is a non-emotionally-reactive day.

I'm wondering about your diet and exercise routines -- do you eat well and healthily? Do you limit caffeine? Do you exercise? I've found that all of those things (well, doing them "well") greatly enhance my mental well being.

And I hate to sound like some sort of drug pusher but have you considered mediation? 10 minutes in the AM per day has had a dramatic effect on my internal well-being.

Hang in there, and take good care of YOU.

Sage

Oh, Myrrh, what happened in between our chat and posting last night?

Be kind to yourself, okay? And don't underestimate the pregnancy and how the hormones are surging.

Hope you have a better day today.

Bets

Slowly, Bets, and Sage-
Thanks all for your words of encouragement. Yes, I was at a place of exhaustion yesterday, and really needed to vent. I did NOT vent to H. So that's okay.

I tend to beat myself up a lot for stuff - more than I probably should. That's when things get out of control. I tend to "do" or try to "do" when I should just "be."

H cam eover last night (no, not my idea) and ended up being really sweet and affectionate, and staying the night. Apparently to him, the call I made was not so much a big deal as it was to me.

I take things WAY too seriously sometimes. I really need to work on just relaxing, which is why Sage's suggestion of meditating seems really good - do you have any suggestions on that for a beginner, Sage?

Bets- things weren't outwardly that bad yesterday, they just FELT really bad to me. I think I do sometimes underestimate the effects of being hormonal. Anyway, I threw my fit here on the board, and not at H, so that was progress, and today is a new day in which to succeed and to thrive.

Fridays, honestly, are not that high stress, and I may bump up my visit to the resale store to get some good books. I am really tired, and don't feel like going anywhere this evening. It depends on how I feel tonight, honestly.

Anyway - I am okay. Life is okay. Just keep swimming!
Myrrh

Sage-
Thanks again for the great info on beginning meditation. I want to order the Beginning Meditation tapes for myself - I think a daily habit of meditation could be really beneficial.

As for diet - I HAVE underestimated the effects of not eating enough/the right kinds of foods on my mood. I made a serious effort this weekend to eat small meals throughout the day, and to eat lots of fresh fruit and vegetables, and guess what? I felt more calm and stable.

As for exercise - well, I have not a lot of energy what with the pregnancy and chasing Salmost2 (17 days until his birthday!). But I think a good place to start would be with a twice-weekly walk on some of the many trails we have in various parks here. It's a small start, but I think a good one, especially for the nights when my H isn't visiting and I need to have things to do. Plus, a walk in the woods is always good for refocusing, I think.

My focus is on calming and soothing myself, and finding some inner peace. It seems that as I do that, not only my M, but my life smooths, or at least my reactions to it do. My biggest problem right now is not my M or my H, but my family being extremely judgmental of my H and of me for simply spending time together, or still wanting to be a family.

They judge him not only because of bad decisions he truly has made, but also at other times like when he brought over videos of our trip to Arkansas and of his older son - they thought that was awful, and made fun of him (to me) and my aunt deliberately poked fun at my stepson and his mother's name - they thought my H was being disrespectful to me because my stepson's mother was in the tapes!

I am working with my IC on getting out from under my family's negative influence, without being cruel or confrontational. But I skipped the Father's Day cookout because my aunt made it clear that my son's father was not welcome. No one was very happy with me. I wasn't unkind to anyone, I just declined to go.

*Sigh* Oh well, another day, another issue. I actually feel pretty peaceful at the moment, though.

Hugs to all,
Myrrh

Myrrh,

I totally understand your position with family. You have every right to say "no thanks" or "not this time". Some families don't make a big deal of it, mine did.

It's tough to make the changes you will need to make concerning your family. You're right, it needs to be done in good manner. Good luck! I'm sure you and your C will work this out.