This so hard today. I just don't want to feel anything, this up and down is just too much. I feel emotionally drained and I really don't want to feel anything! I want my emotions to be dead. I don't want to have to deal with anything unpleasant, just want a relaxing evening.
H isn't home from work yet, it's raining...I bet I know where he is...drinking. If he doesn't come here again tonight I just don't know if I can take it. I know he's struggling but so am I.
I didn't speak with him at all yesterday, oh I left a vm reminding him he had to pick up S. I didn't get home till after 10 pm because of the event I worked at and didn't talk to H when I got home either, he was sleeping.
H called this morning and we spoke about what S and H did last night, son issues and some news. There was a lapse of silence I just didn't have anything to say to H today.
I'm ready to start crying, just so darn tired of all the emotions. It's so draining, I didn't sleep much the night before and I didn't really get to enjoy myself at the event last night, too tired. Becuase of H and his antics the night before. So tired of this.
Now he's not home from work yet and he won't answer his cell. I can't ask him if he's coming home, can't ask where he's going I can't do anything and He gets to do everything whenever he wants to and I can't say a word.
Am I having a pity party or what? My S is a monster, he's being awful to me, biting, hitting and just laughs. I walked into the sitters and she yells at me becuase MY S wouldn't listen to her today. He woke up one of the little girls from her nap and was told not to by sitter but S continued to wake the little girl up. I mean, Yes he doesn't listen, but she didn't have to yell at me! The mom was there and she said "good luck with her tonight she didn't have nap because of my S" ohhh.
Well I'm going to do some heavy power walking on the treadmill and then SS20 is stopping over for awhile.
It's a miracle or something, because I'm back and strong again! The Lord said enough is enough I guess.
I pounded the treadmill...was thinking of just walking until I dropped, but the half hour at a little over 4 mile an hour did the trick.
I'm taking a little road trip with S shortly. Since he didn't nap chances are good he'll fall asleep in the car for the night..yippeee.
And, I'm going to pray my hardest for H to come home tonight. Called his cell left a vm "call me if you get this message" need to some how shake up his drinking routine. Thought about going out looking for him, but REALLY don't want to do that!
Okay, I'm beginning to think H won't be here tonight.
I have no clue where he is what he's up to. I'm ASSuming drinking, but not for sure. And then at OW's. If he drinks and then ends up at OW's I wonder how he acts with OW? I know when is drunk, he can get ugly. Except when he's drinking with this buddies then he tends to be "normal" with them, but the minute I see him...bammm. If he's really drunk he takes his clothes off, blacks out and doens't remember things.
Maybe I'm just looking for a little comfort in that when he does end up at OW's that he's not nice to her either? And why does she keep taking him in as a drunk. Why does she want him? This is the part that I can't quiet understand, but then who knows what H is telling her about his homelife.
I'm having a hard time myself wanting him and wonder if OW is just that desparate.
If H is drinking, it's picking up again. He wasn't feeling well most of last week, which is why he wasn't drinking. This is when I was seeing this new side of H, this fun, flirty side of H.
Now he's off again drinking. Does H feel awful? Does he feel worse than I feel? I have the Lord, but I still have hard times at night.
I'll probably be up for awhile. Need to finish my niece's scrapbook that needs to be done by Saturday I'll try not to go to bed too early, less chance of waking up at 1 or 2 am which is the worst.
Ellie--can't text message and the phones are in H's name. Then OW will be able to text him too!! don't want that, but maybe she doesn't have since H doesn't have it.
He's steps forward,then back, forward then back. Two weeks is about the longest now. At this rate it's going to take years!!
Does the back and forth eat at him more than it eats at me? How can HE live with himself? Or maybe he's not thinking at this point and doesn't care either way. I just can't imagine being him and being able to look at myself in the mirror OR even be in my own skin. I do remember having that kind of feeling years ago..like I just wanted to run away..and I mean literally...just wanted to go out and run. This was when I was drinking back in my 20's. The way I acted when I was drunk was embarassing, I was pretty friendly and did end up with guys that I wouldn't have look at twice when sober, and hated myself the next day. I thank God I grew out of that, so many people don't...my H.
I'm baackk.. Was thinking. Is H doing this to hurt me? Does he even think about my feelings?
I can't believe H is happy living his life the way he is..I mean is he? The back and forth the back and forth, the drinking.
I think I've had my head in the sand for the last month. Thought H's drinking was getting better, but I think I'm wrong. I guess it doesn't matter if he drinks once a month every month, twice a month every month he still has a drinking problem doesn't he?
H needs help and I don't think it's going to matter what I do or say to make H feel more secure, it's just not going to matter. I think it sends him to the bottle quite frankly when I do try to make him feel more secure. When I get too close. H is afraid of something. Something is scaring H and he's using OW. He's using OW becuase he thinks it's all he deserves? She doesn't know H like I do, at least I'm assuming she doesn't so how can she know the depth of his problems? He** it took me this long to figure it out myself or should I to finally see it and accept it.
What I had with H wasn't really love, it was a superficial kind of love, having H in my life gave me comfort. I didn't want to have to deal with any problems, any issues, any of H's problems, or even pay attention to H. I just wanted a "man" "someone" in my life and H used to say that to me on occasion. My H is much deeper and smarter than he lets on..he just doesn't show that side of himself too often.
After he left, he said you don't really want me you're just don't like it that you got left. And he was right, it was more that he left me and that I wasn't going to have "somebody" that scared me the most. I didn't know you were supposed to work at a marriage, that you had to do anything to make it work..duhhhh. I even said that to H "do you know to work at a marriage because I sure didn't.
I don't think your H is considering your feelings. This is all about them, remember? As far as they are concerned the world evolves around them. From what you've posted here and in our e-mails, your H is acting like he is 16. Most 16 yr. olds don't care a hoot about responsibility.
As far as the drinking goes. If his problem is as bad as you think it is, he will continue to drink and the more you complain, bring it up, the more he probably will drink. The only help that will work in the long run is the help that he, himself, asks for. I'm sure he knows deep down that he needs to stop, but only he can stop - you can't make him stop anymore than you can make him love you.
I told myself every day for at least 10 years "you've got to quit smoking, your killing yourself, blah, blah, blah". Well I guess I finally realized I was killing myself and I quit cold turkey. I was killing myself as I know have a case of emphysema - mild, but still I'm just a kid
I tried the patch, the gum - but it finally just hit me - I HAD to quit. I think quitting the drinking is in much the same vein.
Cathy, I think you had much more than just a superficial kind of love with your H. I don't think you'd be here if it was just superficial. And I don't think anyone likes being the one that got left!!
My H told me that the reason he thought I was sorry that he left was because of money, ie, the fact that I could use his paycheck to pay the bills. I wasn't sorry because of that fact; but, yes, it does make a difference.
I've never scrapbooked. What's it all about?
Hugs to you,
Mary
"God, help me keep my head up, my heart open, and know I'll always be guided along the path."
I don't think H can stop. He told me not to long ago that he just drinks for something to do and he can stop whenever he wants to. I think he's trying, but not able to do it on his own, OW doesn't care either I'm sure. I think she drinks, too.
Well then my H has been 16 all his life. What if he never changes? What if he never comes out of this?
Ohhh so many questions. I'm finding if I can just step away and be an observer and not get all caught up in his crapp I do much better.
just thought i would drop in and say hey - i follow your sitch regularly but i just lurk
i am so sorry your still going thru this - have you contacted alanon yet? as one who has been down this road i gotta tell you it's the best decision you can make
please take care of yourself - i think about you daily when i am doing my walking - you are the one that convinced me into making walking a daily routine!
If you can't - maybe you need new cell phones so you can?
And why does she keep taking him in as a drunk. Why does she want him? This is the part that I can't quiet understand, but then who knows what H is telling her about his homelife.
don't want that, but maybe she doesn't have since H doesn't have it.
