Quote: That is what your husband is, a teenager. Searching things out and trying to find out things, but yet rebelling at the same time.
This is just what I have been telling you in our chats!
What is this book you all are talking about? I must have missed that post. I, too think, just like Vinlad went through some of MLC.
I also agree that MLCers are in more than one stage at once, they mix and match, LOL. Don't feel bad, I believe my H is back in replay. But who knows, I don't see him much anymore...
The book is called Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway. It is a very good book and one that really helped me out with figuring out what was happening to me because I thought I was loosing my mind.
I did not understand why I was feeling the things that I was feeling or behaving the way that I was behaving. It was not a normal way for me to be. I use to always be so sure about things and during that time I was sure about nothing.
When I read the book, and noticed that it had some chapters that were devoted to the woman, I went directly there and started reading. For the first time in a while I understood what was happening to me. I had something to work with and realized that it would pass if I would just wait.
That there wasn't anything wrong with me and that my feelings and my beliefs hadn't changed, but I was beginning to grow up as you might say. For the first time I understood and realized that all people go through this. Some worse then others, but it is a natural course of life and that if you will just go through it instead of fighting it, it will be alright.
I liked knowing that I would eventually be alright.
Woke up to another lovely rainy Saturday. Yesterday was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l. H is in the Northwoods this weekend all by his lonesome and yes it has gone through my mind that maybe he took OW, as for him to go alone is not like him. BUT, squashed those thoughts!! What can I do anyway?
Quote: whole MLC thing has me confused.
Yep, I'm with you. I understand MLC and in chatting with Holdingon yesterday, she stated it perfectly it's a plain ole crisis of some type.
Quote: So I chucked the stages and just went on instinct.
I believe there are stages, etc. I believe my H is going through some changes as I've seen them and I've seen the different ages that he is some days, but I am like you have to go on what I feel.
Good Morning to those of you posting this dreary Sunday morning, at least where I am anyway.
S and I are getting ready to head out, S to his brothers and me to a friends to scrapbook for a few hours. Going to stop and get some movies for later on.
H hasn't called yet this weekend. He's up North fishing, supposedly by himself, yet I have a nagging feeling OW is with him. It's not like H to not call especially if he were alone.
NOW I know he really could be alone, but it is also unlike him to go fishing alone for a three day weekend. Yes it bugs me, I've been pushing those thoughts out of my head, detaching, yet it still is bugging me that he lied about going alone, if in fact he is with OW.
A few days ago I asked him if he wanted any company and he said no. Now did this mean me and that he was going with OW or that he didn't want any company period. His S20 was also kind of surprised that he went alone and said that he would have went with him. It bugs me that if H is lying that I'm covering or lying for H.
I don't think that I should have to cover for H anymore, I don't think I will either. If S20 asked I should have just said he went north and ended it there. Is it my responsibility to pass on messages to his S20 and to cover for him?
Now I could be way off base and H COULD be fishing by himself and I'm wasting my time and energy focussing on H and OW.
It's H's journey and I wasn't invited.
I do think it's time to interact with H differently, hold him accountable. Since H moved back here in January he has not once bought any groceries nor offered to buy any! I've been letting it go, but now I'm thinking why shouldn't he contribute to the food budget? He's living here and eating here yet doesn't contribute. He does take us out to eat here and there, but for the most part I cover the food expenses.
H is also complaining about never having any money, his bank account being overdrawn and then takes off for a three day weekend with his boat and hotel/foods expenses?
Our house payment is due in another week and H asked me when I needed his portion! We refinanced and haven't had to make payment for two months...so just what is H doing with all his money?
I think I have a right to ask H to contribute to the food expenses as well as laundry soap, cleaning supplies, etc. Don't I?
Sorry you got rained out yesterday and that's it's dreary today.
Today is warm, sunny, beautiful day and I'm in the office. I just left H and dd; we went out to breakfast. They have lots of stuff planned for today and I need to get work done. I'll probably be here for a few hours and head back home in time to have dinner with my little dd.
Anyway, I definitely think that your H should contribute to the household expenses since he's living there! As you know, I have a similiar sitch (H not living at home; not contributing to dd's exps) and it's a hard thing to do but I think you need to.
Quote: Now I could be way off base and H COULD be fishing by himself and I'm wasting my time and energy focussing on H and OW.
Exactly! He's been surprising you lately; perhaps this this is a continuation of that; perhaps he needed the time to think and destress a bit. It's very stressful and tiring to be as confused as these guys are.
Please continue to detach and focus your thoughts AWAY from what OW and what H may be up to. I had this same challenge last night when H came by and told me he would only be around for a couple of hours because he needed to go watch the game (Lakers!). He said he was meeting so and so at a bar but my gut told me he was meeting OW. Whatever! I decided not to think about it. Dd and I had a nice dinner at home and then we gave each other pedicures!
Give your H the space he needs, maybe he needs time away from everyone to think! He diffently needs to be by himself! Sometimes a retreat is just what the doctor ordered.
I really won't put that much on the MLC stages. Don't get so confussed about them! These men can be in more than one stage at a time. I think your H is in more than one. It is not a law or rule. It is just a guide for you to better understand what your H is going through. As for time lines, we both know this is not written in stone; they go through the stages on their own time line. Take a deep breath and go with the flow.
Yesterday the weather was so junky, again, until mid-afternoon. S and I went grocery shopping, watched Shrek for the second time this weekend and then went to toysrus. S4 has seen Shrek one too many times as he now quoting Shrek "Donkey Two Words- Shut--Up..and the other is Donkey: "I like big butts."
H got home at about the same time S and I got back from the store. I HAVE got to stop letting my ASSumptions get he best of me. I struggled yesterday, again, with was he with OW, will he just go there and not come home till tonight and back and forth, back and forth. S had left two messages for H and I had left one yesterday afternoon, but H NEVER called.
I had bought a foam baseball bat for our S, H and S played outside with it for awhile. S had the bat in the house at one point and slammed it against the cupboards in the kitchen..just because he's a boy and can't help himself. S knew he was in trouble. H just blew and told S to go to his room.
I could tell H was irritated and he shut the TV off, and went into the bedroom, then came into the kitchen and starts putting on his workboots...my first thought that came to mind..he's going to OW's. I asked H where he was going and he said to --town where OW is from. I said why and he said "to keep myself from killing S" and I didn't say anything. H goes out to the garage then comes back in and throws his keys on the counter and then heads to the back garage...to get the lawnmower out. I'm getting the feeling that mowing the lawn is a stress releaser of some sort for H lately that and the fact that with all the rain the grass has been growing like crazy.
At some point we did discuss H's weekend. H SAYS he went by himself, stayed with a co-worker Friday night at his cabin and then at another friend's the rest of the weekend. The one friend is a realtor, a freind of H's brother and I guess a friend of H's now. I believe realtor friend was also contacted when OW was going to sell her house after H moved back home in Janaury.
What amazes me is that H has friends that he can stay with up north H has never mentioned anything about them to me. He has this other life of friends that is new to me. I guess I won't dwell on it too much. H said he's heading back up north this coming weekend to help roof the guys house and that H's brother would go along and H's S20 if he was interested. This is the same H who told me prebomb that he didn't have any friends down here, that his freinds were in his home town.
H was in a flirty, playful mood last night. We did go out for ice cream, H was flirty playful in the restaurant and also in the car. He'll grab under my shirt or unzip my pants when I'm reaching back to get S in his car seat and S thinks he's tickeling me.
Get S into the bathtub and H is laying on the bed and... S4 is in the bathtub singing "I like big butts" it was kind of distracting becuase I kept laughing.
Got S dried off, H and S lay on our bed while I cleaned up kitchen. H and S both fall asleep in the bedroom, I sat and watched TV for a little bit, till I was sure S4 was asleep so that I could move S to his own bed.
H stayed in OUR bed all night! I told H that I missed him and that I was happy he was home. H said why didn't you call me then? I told him that just because I didn't call doesn't mean I didn't miss you. H didn't say anything.
I got up at one point becuase I was going to have a coughing spell and H woke up and asked me where I was going. I told him and went and coughed-I've been having them the last few nights. WE all have this upper-respirtory thing going on. At some point during the night H grabbed my pj bottom and pulled me close.
So even with all my doubts, my nagging feelings throughout the weekend, H came home to me.
Even if he was with OW, my only reason for trying to get it of him, to make him confess, would be to prove that I was RIGHT! In the grand scheme of things, sometimes being right isn't all that important. I remember reading that being right IS the "booby prize" of life, becuase it's all you get.
I did a considerable amount of praying/reading the bible this weekend. I am in awe and amazed at the wonderful things that have been happening in my life lately. I have the Lord to thank!
H has a hard time with S4 as he's just like his father!! S4 is a boy and H has high expectations, when I hear H talk to S somedays I want to say "he's not 16."
I'll probably be here for a few hours and head back home in time to have dinner with my little dd.
