Ok, I talked about how my W and I lived "disconnected" for 10 years and "did our own things" and learned to be single and self sufficient. Until tonight, I've been thinking that we were actually "differentiated" because we didn't need each other. And that my Jan. "anxiety-control-fusion" attempt was my only dip into the world of fusion because we've had a very easy time changing things (which Schnarch attributes to good differentiation). But I've been stewing because something didn't seem quite right with the assessment. It was too "tidy". I even thought that my W was obviously so much more differentiated because of her lack of interest in me etc. But the idea that couples are *always* equally differentiated had me struggling to figure out the real dynamic and (duh, now it's obvious) it's the most disgusting display of fusion ever. Ironically, I've been addressing it alot lately with her but just didn't "see" the big picture.
My W and I both "adapted" to the fact that neither of us were having our needs fulfilled. In this case, "adaption" is the wrong term. Let me rephrase..."My W and I both 'severely compromised our own integrity' by not asserting ourselves and our vision of what a marriage should be."
Wow. In our "talks", I now keep telling her that I want her to "stand up for what's right" because I'm going to stand up for myself. Now she's going to see an excellent reason to. She going to see what adapting "really means". I'm I nuts for wanting to be married to someone who makes demands of me? I would love it! It would be really fun as long as she lets me pay someone else to mow the yard.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Also, I've recently mentioned that she had a sleepless night due to some "thoughts" that she wouldn't share with me. I have a theory that she might be finally recognizing some of these things on "her side" (which I shouldn't be worried about...typical disclaimer..blah blah). I asked her a few nights ago if Schnarch has mentioned the "equally differentiated" thing and she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her that the big punch-line to "differentiation" is that "couples are *always* equally differentiated". Maybe this has been cooking her noodle and providing a catalyst to introspect.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I hope you get this before you leave. One of the most spectacular places to visit while in Blue Ridge is to go 20 miles north to Ducktown, TN and then go to the Ocoee Whitewater Center (which is where the Olympics were). They have a great pedestrian suspension bridge and sidewalks that snake in and out of the rocks at water-level. Very kid friendly and scenic along a noisy, bubbling river.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: I'm I nuts for wanting to be married to someone who makes demands of me?
No, I think that is a sign of differentiation because it means you are feeling strong enough to take on demands. I've often felt my marriage would be better if I wasn't too wimpy to make demands on my husband. It would be better if I was able to "hen-peck" him just a little.
P.S. Your new signature about therapy made me think of something. In "The Way of All Flesh" by Samuel Butler, he writes about a pre-Freudian 19th century therapy method to treat depression. The doctors would tell their depressed patients to seek out novelty by going to the zoo, looking at art or taking a European tour. I always thought this seemed like a great idea and it was too bad Freud came along and this method wasn't developed more fully.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I'm I nuts for wanting to be married to someone who makes demands of me?
Thanks Mojo, you understood the question. I just realized it's ambiguous and could imply something totally different if taken out of context. It should be phrased...
"Am I nuts for wanting demands placed on me?" or "I'm I nuts for wanting my W to make demands of me?"
Ahhhh....much better now.
-Dave (linguistically challenged but uses the word obfuscate in the right context).
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I just got the Amazon notice that my Lou Paget books shipped. I'm concerned because my W is slowly making her way through PM and might be overwhelmed if I unveil another book.
I guess I'm wondering if she should get through PM before I unveil these? OR should we just keep them in the nightstand until we have a session? Maybe I was too hasty with this purchase. OR, maybe I should read mine and apply some techniques and see how she responds. She recently responded favorably and verbally acknowledged a new manual technique I invented. If she asks about another new technique, then I can give up the big secret.
Couple ways to spin this....
Option 1 - During foreplay W:"Whoa...where did you learn that new trick?" M:"Why gee dear, I learned in this handy-dandy book from Lou Paget" W:"Hmmm interesting" M: "Yes. I'm not sure what I was thinking but I also got the companion to it for you and I must admit that I looked in it and liked some of the things it showed."
Option 2 - During the Monday Night PM meeting M: "BTW, I'm so proud of you for reading PM and participating in this with me" W: "Well of course I would....I love you" M: "Then you won't mind reading this too....it shows you the right way to yank my wankie" W: "Freak"
Just kidding folks. It's friday. Actually, the presentation of these is going to need to probably happen in the midst of close intimacy or a session.
W: "I'm trying to hug you til relaxed but there's something hard in your pants" M: "Why, that hard thing is a couple books by Lou Paget.
Oh man...I should go back to bed.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
The Paget book and PM are so different I wouldn't worry about overlapping them. Why don't you read the Paget book meant for women and then you could just guide her in what to do? Or you could read it in front of her and if she saw the sub-title she would think "WTF" and it might pique her curiousity.LOL
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: She recently responded favorably and verbally acknowledged a new manual technique I invented.
Please. You "invented" something new with regards to sex? I'm pretty sure that if you do a search, there is a yahoogroup of ancient practitioner's of this "new" technique. I think you must've bonked your head too hard the last time you spilled on your bike.
Hairdog - who just invented a new way to masturbate!
Quote: Please. You "invented" something new with regards to sex?
If anyone could invent something new with regards to sex it would be a HD with ADD like Dave or me. If you don't believe me come over and try my homemade sushi with fresh Michigan sour cherries sometime.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
