I try to keep this going. This weekend before he came home I put a beautiful red rose from a bush he had planted years ago, in a vase for him to see when he came in. I also knit him a pair of socks recently (my new therapy) and he really seemed to like those also. I make sure I keep it fairly casual so as not to scare him off.
I'm going to try and catch up on your thread, having trouble keeping track of everyone. In4Ride
I think what you're doing is great. One of the hardest things to do is to keep up all those little things, and you are making a definate effort to think of them.
Well, my thread is pretty long...LOL...so don't feel too bad if you don't read the whole thing. You're welcome to just jump in at the end, or just read it, I keep updating it more for myself than anything else. It's a great tool I've learned to help myself focus and think clearly about my marriage.
Thanks so much for the support. It definitely makes keeping it up easier.
OK, here's my next challenge. I have the opportunity to use my boss's beach house in Rehoboth, DE and I am dying to get away. H has planned last bike trip and another one in Utah in a couple of weeks, with no talk of us doing anything together this summer (no surprise there).
I can't decide whether to say I'm going to the beach for the weekend, just want to be by myself or whether to ask H if he wants to come along. I know I should do what I want, but it's a choice between the "get a life and do my own thing" or maybe a good chance to db on a highter plane. But, I think if we go together and maintain the separate bedrooms, etc. that would be just depressing. Also, now I'm the one afraid it would be too much of an opportunity for an R talk, which for some reason I really don't want right now (afraid of what I'll hear).
So, I know I need to make the decision myself, but any input from wise db'ers would be greatly appreciated.
Well, I don't know if I'm wise, but I can put my 2 cents in...
Quote: Thanks so much for the support. It definitely makes keeping it up easier.
No problem. That's why we're all here on the boards...
IMO, I would just pick a time that you know he's available, and tell him you're headed to the beach house for a few days. Leave it up to him if he wants to go. Don't necessarily offer, but don't tell him you want to be alone, either. It should get his attention. Then, if he's interested, he'll let you know somehow, and you can invite him along.
Personally, I would have gone alone recently, but in the past, I would have asked him along. It's just personal choice, I guess, and my choices have changed. This getting a life really does work, and it may be good for you to get away alone. Have some time to think and work on things in your head. But, will this draw him closer to you? Will he be jealous or wondering where you are and what you are doing?
How about inviting some girlfriends along and having a really fun time that way instead. That may be the best of both worlds, you can make him wonder what you are up to while still having fun and not being in separate rooms.
Whew! Busy last couple of days at work and too tired at home to lurk or post.
Feel as if we may have regained a little ground last night. H was so much like his old self (pre-MLC).
I have developed a new habit (3 mos now) of stopping on my way home for a little refreshment. I have stressful job where I generally am going full out all day, and this has affected my behavior at home in the past. Now I stop at coffee shop and spend 30-45 min relaxing, thinking, journaling while I drink my hot chocolate or frozen latte. It's a great buffer to get over any work stress before I go home so I can really be positive when I walk thru the door. I highly recommend this if anyone is in similar situation. This time is when I'm able to reflect in neutral space and recognize baby steps that I frequently over look.
Anyway, H got home from bicycle ride a few min after I did, and suggested we go out to eat (on a week night!). During dinner H starts asking how we are doing financially (uh oh). Which is a little bit of a switch in itself because during really bad time he insisted on checking our accounts himself as if I couldn't pay the bills right or might be spending too much money. Few minutes later he starts talking about that they want him to work this weekend and I make the connection and ask if that's why he asked about finances. Turns out he was willing to work over Mem Day weekend if we needed the money - Wow, is he starting to come out of Replay a little more? Also tells me he's going to caulk around the front door this weekend!? He is not generally very keen on home repairs.
Anyway, we did quite a bit of talking, joking and general good friends interaction. H also told me he was asked to ride in Rolling Thunder on Sun with a couple of AA guys, so I guess I will go pick strawberries Sun morning.
Even before last night while he was a little distant, my PMA has been really up. Can't explain it - I guess sometimes you just get in a zone. Feeling better that I have in years.
Just a further testament that "acting as if" really can be a self-fulfilling strategy, even for someone like me who has a history of being very negative.
Looking to all experienced DB'ers for feedback. After feeling that I could really handle all of this BS, I'm back again on the downward leg of this ride. Seems H is back into the me, me, me, irritable and diconnected mode again (basic replay behavior). A couple of weeks ago I thought we were really starting to connect again but now we've gone backwards. I'm now thinking the progress and/or baby steps I saw were just my hopeful imagination. I can't even remember what I thought I saw now.
I would appreciate any info on experiences others have had - with MLC'ers going forward, then backwards. Can this be a hopeful sign that they are still working through their issues or is it all unfathomable. This has been going on 6 mos since the bomb. H hasn't left (yet) but we're in separate bedrooms. This past weekend I was thinking maybe I should just pack it in - I'm so totally confused as to why he has stayed if he's not going to put in more effort. I guess he probably just needs the garage space and doesn't want to leave the dogs. I continue to go my own way, not waiting around for him, and acting as if I'm pretty happy, but I'm losing faith.
I have been posting both here and on "BestFriends" thread under MLC since I started.
Hey In4, don't give up. I figured this out myself today, when I got a WTF last night.
H and I (I thought) were reconnecting, and then last night, he says feelings haven't changed. WTF!
OK, at the advice of some really good people (thank you) I decided to meet him for lunch. He text'd me and said he couldn't make it, too busy, absolutely no way to have lunch together.
Instead of being angry, I DB'd. "Oh, I'm sorry. Tonight you will have all the stress relief you need." He texts back "I'm coming, I don't care."
Good DBing, it works every time. He got there and thanked me several times for the stress relief, hugs, etc. He almost was smiling before leaving me to head back to work.
What I'm trying to say is...Don't give up. Certainly not now. He is still at home, use it to your advantage! Keep going, do something for yourself. Don't do anything based on feelings of the moment. If it's important, it still will be tomorrow. Take your time, and validate him like crazy.
I really appreciate your response during your own challenges - read about your difficulties earlier but was too pessimistic about my own to be of much help. You're a real power db'er.
I've been keeping up the good front at home but it's difficult to see any progress. H NEVER talks about anything related to R, no future references, no past references, nothing. I'm really quite baffled now why he has even bothered to stay, and why he told friend he could use the apt this summer after it stayed empty for 3 mos.
I'm not even sure why I'm losing hope. I don't think there's been any real change in the situation except he's more distant again, less eye contact, less sharing, after a couple of weeks of what seemed the opposite. I haven't given up completely, but I've run out of 180's, there's a real lack of things or thoughts to validate, and there's no physical contact.
Who knows - maybe he's stressing about his parents coming the week after next, only 3 days after he returns from his Utah bike trip (leaving this Sat). I still don't know what sleeping arrangement he's going to come up with and maybe he doesn't either. I imagine he'll sleep on the couch rather than share a bed with me. His parents would never know the difference. I don't think that's it though because he's a great actor when his parents are around. Sometimes I think he only married me to please them. Yuck!
Your positive attitude is inspiring me to do better. Thanks bunches.
The best kind of DB gift. 
You're welcome to just jump in at the end, or just read it, I keep updating it more for myself than anything else. It's a great tool I've learned to help myself focus and think clearly about my marriage. 
I continue to go my own way, not waiting around for him, and acting as if I'm pretty happy, but I'm losing faith.