My H seems to be in a very mild MLC. And yes, we do everything together. I thought it was weird at first, now I realize that each second we are together provides one more second of DBing time.
It's wonderful, so do it and take full advantage.
Take my sitch...My H recently agreed to watch the marriage breakthrough tapes with me and to read a book on love. He said he was doing it becasue he knows it is important to me. OK, I really wish it was because he wants this M to work, not because he is being nice to me. But, what's more important? Being right, or getting what I want? He's watching and reading, right? So, who cares what his motivation is? The outcome is that he will be better educated and hopefully will be more likely to do the work necessary to get us back in the saddle.
LOL, sometimes I think my H is, too, even though he's not the traditional age for it. But, then again, is age even really a requirement?? I've heard of a "quarter-life-crisis," and that would certainly describe him.
I can give you a little advice on that as I've tried it both ways ... giving him space and doing things together. What I've found is if we spend lot with together then I need to back way off.
We have had our worse fights when we have spent a lot of time together and I start thinking - Oh thank heavens, we are back to "normal" so I start pushing for just a little more. He gets stressed, feels trapped, blows up and runs.
This pattern is just now getting through to me and I'm trying to change it. Spend time then give space (kind of like what you do with friends) - I haven't perfected it yet so I'll have to keep you posted if I really have come upon a "clue" in all this craziness.
Let me know if you have any ideas as I'm open to most anything (well anything legal - so I guess choking him is out).
Thanks Bestfriends, I find that to be true also - it's a delicate balance with time together vs. time apart. I find interaction with H goes much better if I make sure I go a little dark after we've spent more time together. I try to plan an activity off on my own as if I have some higher priority than being with him at that time.
I have learned a lot from the 5LL book. I now realize that a lot of my anger and resentment was because my LL is quality time, and his is absolutely not, never was even in the beginning. It was quite a revelation for me that it was the real source of so much of my anger. In fact I think my H and I have completely opposite LLs. Physical touch is also one of mine and definitely not his. I think that I've finally determined his are words of affirmation and gifts, things that are generally unimportant to me so I was very deficient in these areas. H feels incredibly obligated to send a birthday gift to his 80-something well-off parents even if it's two weeks late and something they don't need. In my family, a birthday call is sufficient, with the attitude that we're all too old to be expecting gifts of things we can all afford to buy for ourselves anyway. My family was also completely unable to give praise or compliments, so they never seem sincere to me when I get them. I think the lack of praise from his family has had the opposite affect and he really is starved for it. Now that I see our differences in these areas, it seems inevitable that we would have problems. In fact I remember even in our first year of marriage being hurt that he didn't want to spend more time with me and not have so many "family" vacations. His attitude has always been "we're alone together all the time"(we don't have kids). I could never quite get the quality time point across.
Sorry got off the topic - his Stepford family is a whole other story. My point was that my desire for quality time has to be scaled to his view that the quality of the activity itself is more important than the time together. What I mean is that he sees the point in doing a fun or social activity together but I don't think he thinks its important to do just anything together.
Rottzilla and Nevanna - I think my H's MLC is also not as severe as some, although when your H wants to leave you it feels pretty severe. So far there is no OW and he hasn't done anything truly awful or mean. However, I think he believes there may be an OW out there for him. I'm really afraid he's completely susceptible and it's just a matter of time. Anyone know of any way to ward off an OW before it happens?? During the few talks we had after the bomb, I asked that we not involve any other people (as in dating) so that no matter what happened we could feel we handled it with integrity. At the time he completely agreed and said he wasn't even looking for anything like that. But my recent snooping relapse tells me he has now progressed to actually wanting to "date". He's in the replay stage so who knows if maybe the worst is yet to come.
Oops, sorry for that pessimism. And guess what - just to show how wrong it is to be negative, my H just called again from his bike trip while I was typing. That's the second time today and the third since he left Wed morning. Just proves how much more he likes to interact with me when he's had the chance to pursue other activities.
Off tomorrow to have lunch with my SIL who's also on the MLC ride with H's oldest brother. We never really talked much before all of this happened and now we're able to validate each other regarding some of the weird things in H's family.
In fact, just to give you a laugh for the evening, H's family always has to take group pictures at all family gatherings, reunions, etc. and each time there comes the pictures when they announce "OK, now just the (FamilyName)'s, and all the spouses have to get out of the picture - WTF!? The grandchildren all stay in the picture because of course they are all real (FamilyName)'s. Is that bizarre or what? I can't imagine in a million years my parents asking my H or my brother's wife to get out of a picture as if they are not real members of the family.
I know what you are saying about OW. I really don't think there is one but when they are in "the place" they are ... who knows what will happen. I don't feel I'm there enough to fill his EN so maybe someone will come along and do it for me. Scary isn't it.
Has your H tried to "go back" in time. Mine signed up for classmates and got in touch with some old friends. So far, he has been more regretful that he doesn't have guy friends that he has kept track of. One friend of his has high school "buddies" that he golfs with and my H really thinks this is something he has missed out on. I guess the male bonding thing. I have tried to encourage him (where before I would have been pissed because I wasn't getting my quality time).It sounds like your H does go places and do things with other guys which I think is good for them. Gives them companionship with it being female.
Sounds like he does have a odd family? You sound like you handle it well and don't get upset with them (wise choice I think).
I have noticed that H is attempting to connect more with guy friends and do more things out and about, but it's the typical "no personal stuff" male bonding.
H does have opportunities to talk about his feelings and "stuff". He has a therapist that he sees once a week to work on step work, and I know he has discussed our sitch with some AA people/sponsor. In fact, at Xmas dinner at his sponsor's (all AA people), I have to assume they all knew that H wanted to leave me. Great, huh? But, as usual with the AA crowd, everyone was very warm and friendly so it wasn't really awkward.
I don't think H dated a whole lot and SIL says he didn't also. He was 38 when we got married, and I was 33, first for both. I always figured that we both waited so long that this would never happen to us.
I think this is all part of the change into someone completely different that they were before. My H was the least vain person I knew before this. I was totally freaked when I realized that he was considering cosmetic surgery. I can't imagine anything more out of character for him.
The potential OW is the scariest part - before I would have said I trust him completely. But, now, I don't know.
I think the fact that your H is able to at least try to understand his feelings is really good. It should help you "down the line" when he's ready to deal with your R.
What kind of cosmetic surgery is he thinking about? What do you think he is looking for? Do you think he's just trying to look better or pretend that if he doesn't look older then he has stopped time?
I think a lot of my H MLC is about "things that he didn't do". He feels he has been giving his whole life (he is a people-pleaser) so hasn't spent a lot of time trying to do what he really wants instead of what he thinks everyone else wants from him. The only problem is he does this for everyone not just me (I'm sure more for me - so I get the most blame). However, even when I'm not in the picture he will still not be doing what HE wants until he finds "himself".
I thought when we got older that life would be quiter, easier and simpler - how wrong could I be!
I see that my last post last night must have gone into the ozone again. I can't even remember all that I said now.
The cosmetic surgery is a chin implant. He does have a 'weak' chin but he wears a short beard, and with his silver hair/beard, I think he looks very handsome. When the subject came up I was able to tell him so, and also that I think he is more handsome now than when I married him. I think he was very surprised by that. His interest in the surgery seems to have waned since then.
His replay antics have also subsided some in the past couple of months. It's why I thought he might be farther along in the MLC. But just last week he was talking about buying another bicycle, his 4th, so I don't know. He seems less angry also, but still sort of quick to show irritation over little things, something he didn't do before the MLC.
Even though he is a people-pleaser, when he really wants to do something there is no stopping him. That's why I feel good that he hasn't left yet, when he has had the opportunity and the apt has been empty for 3+ months. I think he thought I would take the decision out of his hands by throwing him out, so then he could say, "She threw me out but I don't blame her." I decided long ago he is totally on his own making these decisions, with no 'controlling' from me. The decision to let friend use the apt this summer was also totally his, with no input from me.
I also included in my post another long-winded story about my IL's but I'll save it for another time.
It's funny how they love to hear compliments but never give them isn't it. If you think he changed his mind about the surgery from you telling him how handsome he looked - maybe you need to give "more of the same". Is a "Words of Affirmation" guy?
I know what you mean about trying to figure out where they are in this mess. This MLC thing feels like a disease and you are trying to find just the cure so he will be normal again. I don't think it works that way but I keep looking for "just the right words" to say. Sometimes I think - hey, I can do this - and out "of the blue" he hears something that he's heard before but now he sees it as a reason to "run again". I hate this!
Never occurred to me that H was a WOA and Gifts kind of guy until I read the book and really starting examining things. I've really tried to focus on those things in the last month or so. The gifts don't even have to be anything elaborate. I couldn't believe how happy he was when I made up a notebook for him to put his bike trip sheets in. Even got a kiss for that one, only one in almost two months until Sat morn. I really look for chances to say WOA also. Something I never paid attention to before.
Sometimes what works best for me though is not saying anything. Especially when he's in a talking mood. Sometimes if you just let the silence lay there, they feel compelled to say something. When I did that after the infamous sofabed incident, that was when H started blurting out things.
I'm sorry that I haven't contributed much to other people's threads. I must admit that even though I've been lurking for a long time, I just can't keep everyone straight. I'll try to do better.
