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I went away on a work trip for a few days. It was actually a relief to be away from home, and the thoughts that constantly plague me about my marriage. He came to drop my dog off the day I got home from my trip, and that was nice. No conversations about the R. Just pleasant, small talk. He told me he loved me. Two days later he called me while I was at work. Completely caught me off guard because I was not expecting any type of communication from him. I did answer because I thought maybe something was wrong, but turns out he had called just to tell me he loved me and was thinking about me. We had a pleasant 5 minute conversation and laughed together a few times. I want to hate how much it brightened my day, but I don't. I do hate how hopeful I can feel myself start to get after interactions like this. Like maybe he's gaining some clarity, but I'm trying to temper any hope and just let things be what they are - a nice conversation & nothing more. I know he has no intentions of coming home any time soon, & just thinking about that makes me feel like I'm spiraling.

So sorry that you have to join us here! The big thing to remember is to have patience with yourself. It takes time to master your emotions and the techniques that work for you. And those techniques will only work at certain times, when the wind is blowing just right! You may have days where the connection is strong, only to be followed up by being accused of gaslighting.... like DnJ firmly states, keep your expectations at 0. Enjoy those moments as they come, but expect nothing to come out of it. You seem to be on the ball with that!

As for going dark, you'll know when the time is right. Hopefully it doesn't get to that, but you will know.... you'll do it for your own sanity. Do not feel bad about it, it is part of self care. Just like he needs his time and space, there will be times when you need yours too.

To me, I liken the spiraling to riding a malfunctioning carousel, until one day you get thrown off.... and that's just the you part.... this carousel was in a car on your S' rollercoaster! You'll begin to see things clearer, and be able to stand on solid ground again. Like S' journey, it'll take as long as it takes.

Thank you for your response, and the kind reminder to keep expectations at 0. It is an awful, malfunctioning carousel crammed into a rollercoaster car to be on but there is comfort in the fact that I'm not alone on the ride.

In some ways I do feel like its a positive baby step in that he's seemed to be softening over the past week. Reaching out to me more, hanging around for a little bit when he dropped the dog off after I got back from my work trip, an ongoing text conversation that has spanned the last few days. We take our time to respond back and forth to each other, but the fact that he hasn't just ignored it like he has in the past is a small win. Today I choose to be grateful for that.

Chances are this is more cake-eating more than anything. He wants to have his life and yet still have access to you.

That is not to say that he doesn't have feelings or isn't confused... but you enabling the behavior isn't good either. 1st - it's painful for you... but also 2nd - if he was to have a "wake-up" call - you are extending that time line for that realization indefinitely if you keep things the status quo.

Having 0 expectations only happens when you detach. From the spouse, from the outcome... and that is going to take time.

One of the hardest things to grasp about ourselves is that we see every little good thing that happens as "hope". At the same time - we fear that in any little way that we choose ourselves - we push away our spouse.

And those two things muddy the water so much to see things clearly. Denial is very strong.

And I won't sugar coat it - working towards understanding and fighting it... and "allowing" the spouse to live his life... hurts like h3ll!.

That's why being busy and GALing is a good thing. Not just for your mental health - but it helps create the boundary for YOU to stop enabling behavior that although feels good short term - long term does nothing good for you, him, or the marriage.


Be so busy before your trip so that there is NO time for him. That way when you say you can't - you literally cannot.

Whatever adjustments you make follow it with "I heard you when you said you wanted your own life. I am supporting that decision by acting accordingly".

There is no way that doesn't create push back or conflict for him. We usually say to be prepared to for them to "spit venom".

I know it's hard to understand but you can't worry about if he leaves your or marriage... he already has.


Now is the time to start asking yourself how to better take care of you.

As difficult as some of this is to read, you're absolutely right, Valeska. I need to stop enabling and distance myself. I took a photo of a page straight out of the DR book that talks about why distance and not reaching out is so important. I've been trying to read that little part every day, so I will continue so that I may remind myself that it's what H needs.

So it seems to me my best course of action now is to just go dark. Until when? Until he decides he's ready to talk about the R?

I wish I could give you a timeline but their isn't one. And unfortunately as much as we hate the possibility - he may never be ready. We can't make someone ready to change. They will do it on their own timeline if at all.

It's okay if you go dark as an attempt to save your marriage before you see it as a way to save yourself. My .02 is to just make sure you have the proper support when doing this. There are lots of confusing stages. It's difficult to navigate on your own. The ways in which they try to hold onto us whilst avoiding the work in painful, infuriating, crazy-making. It can make you second guess your choices, your values, your self worth.

It is by no means a walk in park. So be gentle with yourself. Have compassion when you slip up (which will happen) and then try again tomorrow.

This weekend has been very difficult. The weather is changing here - getting cold and dreary. I went out this weekend to distract myself, but even then it was difficult not to think about H. Today was our nephew's birthday (H's sibling's son). I saw photos of H and all his family there to celebrate our nephew. Obviously I wasn't there, never got the invite. That stings. I didn't realize the last time I was around his family would be the very last time ever, and now it hurts to think I might never be again. I didn't get to say goodbye. Of course my knee jerk reaction was this urge to reach out to him and just cry and tell him I miss his family. That it makes me sad I may never be part of that again. But I know it won't do me any good, and only puts more pressure on him. So I have suppressed the urge, and am instead just sitting here crying while I type this.

Some part of me wants to tell him to just rip the band-aid off and file already. I'm tired of living in this limbo. But I don't mean that & I won't say it. That's just the angry part of me talking. Angry that he can just run off and live his life like it's nothing, while I have to wake up every morning in our home surrounded by our things and our memories. Actively choosing someone I made a lifetime commitment to while he decides if our marriage is even worth it to him or not. It makes me feel insane.

These feelings all make sense. It's extremely difficult to walk this walk. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time.

Good job typing it all here instead. All grief needs a witness.

It's been a little over a week since I last updated. H came over yesterday to help fix a house issue. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. After he fixed the issue, we sat down on the couch and chatted for awhile. He mentioned that we're probably going to start having some tough conversations soon. I'm assuming he means how to divide up the assets and get the house on the market, but I didn't say anything. Right after that he said "I don't know what our future holds, but I'll love you forever. & I know I'd miss you forever." In my mind I thought "Okay, so why are you doing this then?" But again, I said nothing. We shared a couple of kisses and he said "I don't want you think that this means we're okay." I assured him I was quite aware we were anything but okay. Before he left for the evening, he said "This is hard and it really [censored]. I don't want to say there's no hope, but I don't know what's going to happen." My ears immediately zeroed in on the "I don't want to say there's no hope". If you would have asked him a couple of months ago, he would have said there was absolutely zero hope. So this slight change I'm taking as a very small win.

In some ways I feel like he's backed himself into a corner by telling friends and coworkers that we were going to be divorcing (long before he ever told me) that now he feels like he has to follow through or risk looking "weak" to them. Which irritates me because I told him at the beginning of this separation to take no one else's thoughts or opinions into this time apart. He needed to figure out what HE wants. I also feel like even though we are living apart, he hasn't truly gotten a taste of living completely alone as he is living with a friend currently. He has someone to hang out with after work and socialize with. I wonder how different he might be processing this if he had to be completely alone with his thoughts every evening. But I digress...

In a positive light, this has allowed me to begin re-exploring my faith again. I pray a lot. All I can do right now is continue to give him his space and keep praying we can rebuild our marriage.

Hello j

H moved out a little over 5 weeks ago. His hanging around post house repair was him doing a temp check. Seeing if you are where he left you. Tossing a few breadcrumbs even.

I’m not saying H, in the moment, was insincere. He may very well felt everything he said. However, he does speak in negatives and with ambiguity. “I don’t want to say there is no hope”. Is different than “I’m hopeful”.

I agree, H has not had enough time alone to sort out his thoughts and feelings. Living with what is likely an enabling friend has probably promoted the alcohol and marijuana usage. Another stumbling block on H’s path.

Anyhow, back to temp check. Imagine if…


I do not know how big the house issue was that required fixing. Perhaps it needed both of you.



Let him feel the loss.

People don’t change until they hit rock bottom.

I suspect you get the idea. And I know, hard to do. Be less available. Let calls go to voice mail. No R-talks.

That all being said, I think you did well with the conversation and interaction.


Good not taking the bait and letting his comment go.

Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. Does H mean it? Or was he trying to get a rise from you? Or something else? Who knows. You did right by yourself with letting it go.

Continue doing right by you by speaking with a lawyer and being prepared in case H does push some tough conversations forward. You having foreknowledge, and various options and scenarios already considered will place you in a much better position. Emotionally, intellectually, financially, etc. Of course, it’s still basically listen to H’s proposal and sign nothing until your lawyer looks it over.


Yes, H has exhibited some positive movement. Let hope he continues.

Keep moving forward.

D