Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis WAW to MLC XH bookends (it's complicated!)

Hi Un,

Came to read up on your sitch since you so kindly responded to mine. Isn't it just so odd how some days you can feel okay and accepting while the next might be full of sadness. I, too, stay cycling back and forth between the two. It's so hard, but you got this. I'm happy you have the next few days full of GAL-ing. Fingers crossed for your business space. That sounds so exciting!!

It's funny that you mention the caution of being in indifference.... I am feeling that pull.... I'm going out to see a band tonight, and am tired and lonely. Tired and lonely enough that any flirting could easily get out of hand. The interesting thing is that we experience the exact same states as our MLCers, we just call it something different for our side of the fence. Realistically, same thing except our heads are a bit clearer. What a great time for the LBS to journal their thoughts and feelings to use to put themselves in their MLCer's shoes!!! To even get a small taste of what they are up against... and it reminds us why detachment is so important.... you have your own (involuntary) LBS Crisis to handle! You just have better tools to work with than they do.

DnJ, I have the good fortune of being divorced for so long, and having this go round to take the time to do the dating thing if that's what I really want. And that's the kicker there, if that's what I logically (not emotionally) want to do. Like the MLCer, you'll more than likely be reminded the grass isn't always greener...and if your cognizant enough, take it for the ego boost it is and nothing more... or maybe you find someone who naturally meets your expectations for a relationship.

I have no responsibility reason for standing, other than the fact that I choose to love him. The only tangible thing we share are the kids, and they have never been an emotional priority for him... so I am leaving my future open to all possibilities... but I know no matter what, I will come out stronger and a better person for all the love and experiences , good and bad, we've shared.

For those wondering about going dark, I'd liken it more to having a dimmer switch than an on/off switch. Use it as it fits your current situation... for my situation, he understands what I need for myself when I tell him I'm going dark. It shows that I haven't abandoned him, but that contact is draining me and like he does, I need my space.

Last time, I instinctively and somewhat involuntarily went dark... I just wish I had known then what I know now about his chronic depression... that he even had it.... and I could've taken his coping mechanisms much less personally and stayed the course! When I left, so much time was devoted to dealing with the OM's nonsense that I didn't have time for worrying about much else. So when we reconnected several years later, X had, DESPITE the depression, put what energy he could into being a better partner. He felt the loss... and staying in contact when you are able to detach is so important because that is all they can offer you in return... that's why the lighthouse analogy is so spot on... the ship knows the lighthouse is there, but the captain isn't at the controls. The light from the lighthouse isn't always pointed in the ship's direction, but when it is it can save lives. Send out that occasional beam of light to show them where you are... it really does mean the world to them!

Sorry to wax philosophical... one of those days! I've got my girl empowerment playlist on the ready for when I get ready to GAL tonight... wouldn't be much fun to be around going with my mood as is! 😉

Don't be so quick to lump in your behavior as typical LBS behavior - it is not. Sure - dressing nice and receiving compliments is one thing, but admitting you are lonely enough to let things get out of hand... sounds like a pattern you are repeating from what you tell us.


See it here. You came here in August and by October is already talking about dating? Sure you can be mad at your XH for actually acting on it - but the problem lies with why you both jump to those thoughts to begin with


I'm confused with this. You had a 6 year relationship with you affair partner. I'm not sure why he stuck around but I don't think it's because you were being a lighthouse.


From what you are describing - this seems like a pattern that you both continually play into. I know you gave reasons to MG why you guys didn't remarry - but it doesn't sound like you worked out what happened either. Not as a couple nor individuals.

Patterns will continue until one of you is strong enough to change it. What are you willing to do?

You are 💯 spot on! Which is exactly why I've changed my stance on standing only.... IF we were to get back together, there would have to be tonnes of things we'd have to work on together. 27 years of growing with and around each other without external guidance takes it's toll.

I joined in August, but he's been in crisis for AT least 2 years. His clinging tendencies, our severe inability to communicate openly with each other, and our individual untreated traumas and insecurities prevented me from seeing the situation for what it was until recently... I am willing to put in the time and effort to see if we can work on being in a proper mature and fulfilling relationship. But I am also open to the idea that we may never get to that point.

The work that I've started on myself is allowing me to develop self-worth, and to explore the idea that I was in a toxic situation. Should I deprive myself of a chance to experience a healthy relationship with someone else, so that I can be a stand up gal for a relationship where we might truly be unable to meet each others needs, as has been exhibited in the past?

This is why I am considering casual dating... and at the same time leaving the door open to future reconciliation.... I have begun implementing boundaries I never would have dared state in the past, for fear he would leave me. I, and eventually we, will have knowledge and tools available to us that we never knew existed.... AND our individual growth and experience, to form healthy bonds and behaviours with each other. We've been dependent on each other since we started dating fresh out of highschool, and now we are at a place where we are able to grow separately. I certainly wasn't a lighthouse back then, but understanding what I do now, I may not be able to stand for a romantic relationship, but I can stand to redefine and strengthen our friendship. DBing and detaching has afforded me the chance to flesh out a bright future for myself, no matter the outcome.