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Good Morning Kev

Jae is correct, believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do. Folks in crisis or deep emotional turmoil are slogging through a constant depression. And these folks display all manner of strange and weird behaviours.

Realize W has the attention span of a gnat. And she is being lead by her emotions. It’s easy to say “I filed”. Yet, to actually do the work, make the various decisions, and so on; that heavy-lifting; well that is another story. Some do blast forward burning bridges and anyone/everyone in their way, others get bogged down and procrastinate and delay.


I get it, it’s difficult to understand why they do what they do. Believe me, these folks do not know why they do what they do. They are reacting, lashing out, being driven by their ceaseless emotions - torments, pain, depression, etc. On the bizarre-o-meter, not following through with something, or basically lying, is pretty common and low on the scale.

Time and space. Let her do the heavy lifting. Keep focus on you.


Big red stop sign!

Envision one. Right in front of you. And stop your runaway thoughts. Even if it is only for a moment or two. Those small, purposeful, steps do accumulate and you will detach and regain your self quicker.


A few suggestions/tips/thoughts:

I get how hellish that is. Waiting. Expecting.

Dial your expectations to zero.

Was she torturing you? Or were you torturing you? W isn’t that powerful. She cannot control your emotions. She can try to. Maybe even was, by telling you she filed. However, you control you. Do not give your power away.

You contacted HMCTS and learnt there is no petition against you. All that worry, fret, expecting, waiting for the shoe to drop - all normal, yet such an expense of emotional energies.

Uncertainty. Limbo. Yes, difficult unwanted to live with. It is nicer, better, when we know what’s going on. However, life, the future, is pretty uncertain. Turn this on its head and embrace the uncertain. Embrace limbo.

Embracing limbo/uncertainty is letting go of the need to control. It’s not some rudderless state, with you adrift to the whims of fate, it’s you accepting what you cannot control; and focusing and exercising your control on what you can.

One of the greatest gifts is time. The future is thankfully unknown and unwritten. Let it unfurl as it will, on its time.

If one is depressed, they are living in the past. If one is anxious, they are living in the future. Living in the present moment brings peace and contentment.

D

So, on Friday 3rd October at about 09:00 in the morning I noticed she had unblocked me. I didnt send a message or anything and was intrigued as that day was exactly 1 year to the day that we flew out to Crete for our 9th wedding anniversary. At about 14:30 I received a message from her asking me to 'change your address pls' and a photo of a bill in my name that had been sent to her address (our house). I just simply replied 'yeah will do'.
Yesterday the 6th October was our 10th wedding anniversary. I wanted so badly to send her a message but resisted. I did notice that she seems to have blocked me again as I cant see her on Facebook again but I can still send her a message. I don't know if she forgot she has to block me on messenger as well as Facebook or she's left the possibility of contact open on purpose.
I also don't know why she just didn't forward the letter on to my address instead of making contact with me and reopening wounds that were very slowly starting to heal, especially when she's the 1 who blocked me on August 28th and has had me blocked since.

I have also heard from my mechanics who work at the garage we used in our business, who she deleted from her Facebook when she ended marriage that she has now added them back on Facebook as friends, but these are the only ones I know she's added back. 1 of them said to me just keep doing what I'm doing and she will come back. That initially made me think she'd said something to him but now I think it's just a friend trying to keep me positive. He did say he'd mentioned the 'friend' she went out with the night before she ended marriage and what a horrible person she is and supposedly my wife responded that they are not friends as she realised that's not the type of person she wants as a friend.

Hi Kev.

Sorry you’re here, but you’ve come to the right place.

Your wife sounds incredibly manipulative. The constant blocking and unblocking, the tattoo removal, the social media games… these are all things she is doing with intent.

How sure are you that you want to be with this woman? A lot of your overwhelming feelings of wanting her back is because you’re grieving. Grieving what you thought was real, grieving who you thought you were married to. That grief and loss makes men get very desperate to save the marriage because it’s what you know and where you’re comfortable.

Imagine you were someone outside looking in. Would you recommend to a best friend to try and win back a woman treating him like she’s treating you?

Your first post was a hard read. She’s clearly garden variety mid-life-crisis and menopausal, and that generally lasts 5-8 years. The chances she snaps out of it quickly are very slim. And there’s NOTHING you can do to speed up that process.

Are you prepared to wait 8 years to see if she gets it all out of her system and wakes up as to how immature she’s being?

Are you seeing a personal psychologist? That’s a must. They’ll help you build a shield to her behaviour.

How much are you exercising atm?

Hey Kevf1,  

Do you see where you are focusing?  Not on you.  But on attempting mind reading of her behaviors.  

I do understand the impulse.  I've been there.  

I suggest you DO NOT mind read and instead focus on yourself.  In MWD words...that is a cheeseless tunnel.  You are looking for reason in a process that is not based on reason.  Don't base your actions on what you imagine her "reasoning" to be.  Re-read the previous posts from jaejae, DNJ, and Kind18 again.  


I think MWD addresses advice from friends, both LBS and WAS.  Friends care about you and will want you to stop hurting.  And they will give advice or suggestions they believe will help you feel better the quickest.  This often leads to very bad advice in terms of your end goals or values you have.  Love them for caring.  Take with a large dose of skepticism in terms of you achieving your goals.

g

Hey Kevf,
I know things are very hard on you emotionally. Mental Illness in our loved ones is very challenging to deal with. I think it's important to try not to buy the ticket to the rollercoaster ride your wife is currently
on

Of course HRT can affect medication... but is she at a place where she can hear that now to discuss with a doctor?

My guess is that you have seen a mania episode before. So hopefully you know what needs to be done on your end to protect things.

I hope the board doesn't edit this... but have you done any support groups? I found NAMI invaluable to me when dealing with my former partner who suffers from a mental illness. I still grieve and mourn who she was before the illness took hold - but at the same time, I protect myself financially and emotionally. Sometimes I still buy the ticket... but it's less now.

I also understand that she chooses for the illness to control her life. Accepting that though - is a whole other practice.


Boundaries still apply here. Most of the DB principles still apply.

AND... spending some time understanding the mental illness and getting support from people who are/have gone through similar experiences can also be helpful. You need support too!

Just a suggestion

Hi everyone.

Thanks for your replies and input, i appreciate you all. I currently have no access to internet where I'm staying at the moment so have been unable to get on here. Currently at a friends house today looking after their dog so able to quickly log on for a few minutes.

So my wife messaged about 3 weeks ago. We ended up chatting for a while via messages and we ended by both saying it was nice chatting to each other. She had explained a few things and apologised for a few things she had got wrong. I was understanding with every point she made, especially about me and didn't defend or argue and agreed with what she said and accepted her views. 2 days later she messaged again and we continued chatting for most of the morning, all with me validating how she felt. We then didnt chat for about 10 days as she was about to start her shift of 7 12hr days at work so I wanted to give her space and peace as she is on her feet all day during her shifts.
When we eventually got chatting again she had a totally different tone with me. I was to blame for everything, she has no interest in getting back together, she should never have messaged me and we should go back to how things were. She says she has no trust in me for things she said she had heard i'd said about her when we 1st separated. I did argue against this and explained to her not everything she hears is black and white, nor always the truth. People twist things, add there own assumptions etc, but she's insisting I started a 'smear campaign' against her. She cant grasp that there is no way I'd do that when all I wanted to do was save our marriage. she also cant see that somebody started a 'smear campaign' against her back in May whilst we were together. Somebody started a rumour that she was having an affair with her ex (he was the 1 who phoned us up to tell us about the rumour and I do believe there is/was no truth to it). But even when that happened, at some point during the day she even accused me of starting the rumour.....why the hell would I start a rumour that my own wife was having an affair (maybe its her mental health at times but I just struggle to understand her thinking).

I've just bought and read Hearts Blessing, The 8 stages of Mid Life Crisis, and its been quite helpful but I do still have days where I'm unsure if she really is having a mid life crisis or this is genuinely her just not wanting marriage anymore.

She admitted in our chats that everything she is doing may come across as selfish but she doesn't care what people think and has had to do this for herself and put herself 1st. She keeps saying how strong and independent she has become, has more confidence than ever and is living her best life.
She says her kids all help out with chores around the house and its always spotless when she gets home from work (this was always something I used to say should happen but never did. Her words were she didn't want 'lap dog' children. I explained it was about giving them responsibility, confidence and preparing them for 'life' but she never listened at the time.
She also says she has a new group of amazing friends (again something I used to encourage but she never did. She had no friends and I'd say its not healthy and she needs to have friends to chat with, have a laugh with and even moan about me with but she used to say she doesn't want to do all the gossip that women are into. I also said to her it makes feel solely responsible for her happiness all the time and because she doesn't go out I don't get any space or time to myself either).
So obviously she got these friends and that means she now saying she has nights out and got trips planned ( yet another thing I always wanted for her).
And she lives life to a strict budget ( Something I wish she had always done. She could spend money like anything. She was good with paying bills etc but could never save what was left, she HAD to spend it. I was the 1 who saved money because she just couldn't.)

I told how how proud of her I am that she is doing all this and its the life I'd always wanted for her. ( I just don't get why its taken her to end the marriage to do all of this when it would of made a much healthier marriage if she was doing this whilst together. Things come across wrong in text but i read it like she was saying I was holding her back when all I'd ever wanted is for her to have the best life and be the best her.

She said she didn't stop me seeing our dog out of spite but she hasn't agreed to let me see him either. She wont let me see my step children either as she said I said things Infront of them the night she called police on me. So when I was being asked questions by the police she must have wanted me to lie lol. The4 police asked, I answered. At end of day the wife called the police because she couldn't get her own way and doesn't like it that the police sided with me.

So don't know what's happening with divorce as she definitely didn't file back in August like she said she had done. She did say she wants the divorce over with ASAP but I'm not going to file as its not what I want.

I'm still working on myself. Go to gym 3 times a week. Counselling once a week. Hypnotherapy once a month. Reading books and stuff trying to learn about MLC and love languages and self help books. Trying to hope for a future with my wife but also dealing with my emotions so If that doesn't happen I can still be happy. I definitely want to stand for my marriage for as long as I can but also know I shouldn't waste my life waiting for something that may not happen. Still have the time where I get emotional thinking about things but its getting less and less. I just think its the confusion of not knowing if she really is having mlc or not and what that means.

Thanks for reading and any input. I will try to get back on as soon as I can, Hopefully sometime this week

Good Morning Kev

Glad to hear from you.

The hallmarks of a crisis are depression and confusion.

Depression is ever-present, and hidden behind a mask. The MLCer runs from their unrealized pain and trauma by engaging in all manner of behaviours. Spend money, drinking, drugs, exercise, work, sex, etc.

These activities are a distraction. And the crisis person’s attempt at regaining their lost youth. Doing all the stuff they feel they missed out on.

Like I said, behaviours/activities masks the deep consuming ever-present depression, which lurks covertly. It’s seldom seen during the replay stage as they are actively ignoring it. However, at night, laying in bed, in the dark, their demons will come out and play.

Behaviours only work for so long. Then new, different, usually more illicit behaviours are employed. Eventually, they slow their running and depression takes full hold. This heralds their entry in to the depression stage. Deep and dark this time is. And after is a time of withdrawal.

However, replay and running is where W is at. During this time, depression is covert and confusion is overt.

Crisis individuals will flip and flop, change directions in a second, as their feelings ping pong about. Remember, a MLCer is driven by their emotions. Very little rational decision making occurring.

They will have new friends, turning their backs on lifelong friends and family. They will adamantly tote that these new friends are the only people who truly understand them. Until they ping pong off in a different direction.

Conversation will go from kind and friendly, to it’s all your fault. At times, in the space of a single sentence!

You’ve observed this wild behaviour. It is crazy-making. It is difficult to try to rationalize such irrational behaviour. You’ll go bonkers looking for reason and understanding of why W is doing what she is doing. That is a deep rabbit hole.

You wondered if W is experiencing a crisis or is she just not wanting marriage anymore. Realize, it doesn’t need to be either or. It can be both. And likely is.

A person consumed by MLC, that lost soul, is running from their life. Running from responsibilities. Family, kids, work, marriage, and so on. Their are a hurt child/teenager. They are dragged back to the time of their emotional stunting and need to grow up from then. That hurt, lost, teenager doesn’t feel married. Or has kids. Or a job. Or lifelong responsibilities. They don’t feel it. But they know it as life presses in on them. And they lash out and run. It’s an incredible amount of torment.

You did fine with the conversations. Remember, you didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.

My advice is to keep conversations short. I know it feels good to speak for a long time. Parsing bits of data, gathering up those breadcrumbs. Make a conscious decision here. Keep it short and no R-talks.

Do be polite. Kind and cordial. And business-like. Be the one to end the conversation. If it’s call, end things while there is still stuff to say. Same if you meet in person, be the one to initiate leaving. Finish your coffee and excuse yourself as you have things to do.

Conversations are usually utilized as resupply the MLCer’s justification for leaving and/or doing what they are. You experienced W blaming you for everything after a couple of nicer talks. This is the dance of her’s. You need not dance along.


She lied! She’s trying to get you to do the deed. For now, you don’t want or need a divorce so keep the ball in her court. Let her do the heavy-lifting.

Give her lots of time and space.

Good to see you going to the gym and taking care of yourself. Counselling, reading, exercise, all good stuff.

Focus on you and your life. Keep moving forward.

D

Hi Kev.

As always, some great advice from DNJ and others. You must focus on you, not on her. Exercise like you’ve never exercised before. It’s the best thing you can do for your mental health.


I feel it quite likely this is indicative of an emotional or physical affair. This wild flip flopping back and forward (suddenly they seem to be waking up, and then a week later they flip back to burning it all down again) is a very common theme on this site. I’ve seen it so many times, and nearly always it shortly precedes discovery of an affair. Women are monkey branchers - they keep their old branch firmly in hand as a fallback option until they’ve really tested the new one out and get the confidence to finally let go of the old one. Google it! Accountability is also not the strong suit of a walk away or wayward wife, so as DNJ indicated, it’s a lot easier for her conscience and public image if she can get you to file rather than take responsibility for ending it herself.

I re-read your first post today. There’s so much going on.

Here’s where I ask the hard questions - but please know this comes from a place of kindness.

Why do you want to be with this woman? Is it because you genuinely want to be with a person who treats you like this? Do you think it’s temporary and she’ll snap back to who she was, or do you think this was there all along and you didn’t see it?

You’ve given your everything for this woman, and to wholly support her children from other men - and she’s just cut you off from them without batting an eyelid because she wants to “find herself”. You’ve doubled down with long term commitment, and yet she’s willing to drop you overnight.

She’s bipolar, and has been mentally and physically abusing you - in front of the kids.

Look, I get it - this is a pro marriage-saving website and forum. That’s why we all end up here. But I wouldn’t be being honest if I didn’t say that I think the future of this marriage sounds like a bin fire.

And rather than concentrate on her, her tattoo covering, her social media blocking and unblocking, her flip flopping and inconsistency … what you really need to do, is focus on yourself - asking why you want to try and save a marriage to a person like this. From the cheap seats, it doesn’t make much sense.