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Just reread this and for clarity sake again.... reconnecting after I left, not now.

Called just now... sending a text to work as he called. Wanted to know if I knew what a charge on his card was for. He was going to text the question, but didn't want it to come across the wrong way. Asked how things are going, I told him good. He asked me how the store was doing, I said really well. He asked if we were getting out and doing stuff, I said of course. He said more importantly, are the boys getting out and doing stuff... I said that we're all good here. Long pause, and then he said OK, well, as you were. Bye.... I said OK, bye and hung up first.

How did I do, guys? I used my normal voice when I answered the questions, not my ice princess tone.

Should I have asked him how he was? It's weird being so short with him.

I didn't get defensive about the more importantly question... I guess he's not worried about my sanity anymore...lol. Still calling me instead of the boys, though. I hate how easy he can mask, especially with his overconfident tone, and try to get the upper hand. Much different approach from last call, no tail between his legs tone like last time.

Also, not spiraling into analyzing the call. Thanks to this board, I can see it for what it is... temperature check, and a different move in the dance.

Our only day off, so getting some rest... some gardening and cleaning, and some cooking. I love cooking, so trying new recipes, and making some ready to go meals for the week. I wasn't lying about the GAL'ing... we went out for milkshakes yesterday, trying to get walks in if the weather cooperates and we aren't too tired.

Good Morning Un

You did well with the unexpected call. And you are correct, it’s a temp check by H. Just him checking in, seeing how/what you’re doing. H trying to keep you on the hook.

Good on you, not being on the shelf where he left you. Not sitting there pinning away over him.


Yep. They certainly do that.

These hurt folks expend incredible energies into maintaining their fantasy, their mask. I’d bet H took quite a while to work up to calling you.


I think you did fine.

It’s not you being short with him, it’s you being succinct.

Kind and cordial.

Being friendly, but not friends. For your friends don’t treat you that way.


Perfect!

D

At what point will I be able to open private messages? I apologize to whomever sent me one... not able to read it yet. 😟

Hello Un

The private messaging feature is turned off for the site. Anonymity of users is high importance given the situations discussed here.

(BTW, the mail icon blinks for everyone. A weird default when messaging is deactivated.)

Also to note - as per the forum rules - sharing name, address, phone number, email, or other personal identification/contact information is not allowed.

D

It sounds like you handled the call really well by keeping your tone steady and not falling into an icy or defensive attitude. Using your normal voice helped keep the conversation calm and neutral, which is important when dealing with someone who might be trying to gauge the situation or push buttons subtly. Not getting defensive about the "more importantly" question shows strength and emotional control, and it’s a positive step since it feels like he no longer doubts your well-being.

It’s understandable to feel unsure about being brief or not asking how he was, but it’s perfectly okay to maintain boundaries, especially if the dynamic has been tense or manipulative in the past. Sometimes keeping the interaction focused and short is a way to protect your peace. The fact that he’s still calling you and not the boys, combined with his overconfident tone, suggests he may be testing or trying to assert control—recognizing this as a "temperature check" rather than something more significant shows great insight.

On your day off, focusing on rest, gardening, and cooking is a wonderful way to nurture yourself and your family. Enjoying activities like trying new recipes and getting outdoors can really help maintain balance and positivity. It sounds like you’re doing a great job managing the situation with awareness and self-care, which is really important in navigating complex relationships.

Ahhh... that's a relief... thank you for explaining, DnJ!

A few things that are bothering me.... during the post last visit period, XH/X admitted he misses intimacy (Mama G, you had asked about if I had thought about how he felt in our marriage... I'm guessing that was it). Specifically inside jokes and personal things we'd say to each other to flirt. Because of his memory/denial issues, I had texted the following a few months ago (which he of course called as soon as he could to ask me if I was ok)


"There is no one else. There never has been (OM was my midlife crisis major mistake, and lordy kharma was a bitch!), and there never will be. In my entire life, I have never met anyone like you. There is no substitute. There is no one who has even come close. I have sat by for the last 8 years listening to you go on about all the women you wanted to date and screw, and felt so ashamed and unworthy to imagine that you'd ever want me, that I gave you advise, and pushed my love for you deep down.... I've always wanted you to be happy, it's just I've always wanted you to be happy with me! After 27 years I am still in love with you... I still get all the butterflies and sexual attraction (it's funny, because if it's possible, you've continually gotten hotter over time) like I always have! However you decide when you come out of all of this, never question who my mind, body, and soul belong to! I'm yours.... I'm not trying to pressure you, I'm not trying to guilt you, I'm simply giving you the facts. Do with them what you will. I'm writing this so that you have a hard copy that you can refer to when you doubt me and my feelings."

I think I've been too focused on the sexual aspect, since OW seems to be PA only, and that had been taken away from me. I had also left a little note for him at the start of that trip that was intimate and mentioned one of our inside jokes. He gets flustered and defensive with any support messages or anything sexual, but anything that is teasing or flirty he'll slip a reference in when he talks with me.

I'm aware that detaching is crucial, but I'm worried that in my case being succinct is going to push him further and further away. My intuition is telling me to be more teasing.... I sent this text a few days ago to show I'm still here. Otherwise, I've only called him once in the last month.

M: Happy Labour Day
XH/X: Same, you doing lots of labour?
M: Sleep, wrangling the boys up to go outside and BBQ. How about you?
XH/X: Work right now, doing the local fair with someone I support
M: Nice

Do I go back to incorporating a more teasing tone when he communicates? He does, and I've just been giving flat answers. Keep in mind, he calls me around twice a week, while I don't call at all. I plan to keep not calling, but it seems if that's what was missing in R for him, shouldn't I be working on bringing that back? I hadn't been intimate like that because of the reasoning in my note above.... suggestions?

My other thing is, do I have him come up here? Last time was so wonderful, only to have him forget/deny it... he's strongly implying that he wants to come up, and I think having a day or two of happiness would be good for him. I just have to remember to enjoy it for what it is...a happy moment and nothing more. This gives him a chance to be comfortable, and maybe he shares more of what he saw wrong with us.

I also want him to ask. Do I just flat out tell him if he wants to know if he can come here, all he's got to do is ask? Communication was never our strong suite, and I've let go of my fear of being vulnerable... he's been more communicative with his insecurities, but as he's so deep in crisis, it depends on the emotion he's riding on at the time what he shares. Also, I had said at one point that he couldn't come up here if he was still with OW but then flip flopped on it in a support text. It seems to me I'm punishing him for my inability to accept his current sleeping arrangements.


With going dark on my side, it just seems to be more of what he said was missing. I'm so conflicted!!!!!

Good Morning Un

I’d stick to the path. Focus on you and your life. H needs to feel the loss and decide for his reasons to alter his path (ie OW).


This is a start of him feeling the loss. It is also H dropping breadcrumbs and seeing/watching you scoop them up.

Temp checks, breadcrumbs, etc. The more H sees, feels, believes, you are sitting on the shelf for him the less “reason” there is for him to alter course.

The big text from a few months ago illustrated you are waiting for him. In my opinion, that’s not the message you want to convey to foster the best chance for H to get his act together. I mean there is little reason for him to change anything.

Now don’t fret, no one thing you do, or do not do, is going to make or break this situation. There is no magic bullet here. Consistent behaviour is key.


Most times our intuition is not the best course. After all, intuition likely got you into this in the first place. Hence the counter-intuitiveness of it all.

That being said, do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. You are always free to attempt something. However, first ensure you consider what you are efforting to achieve, what result would be a positive step forward. If what you try works, great. If it doesn’t, do not try it again for a good long while.

Also, “but”. Most times the usage of the word “but” is one justifying doing something they know/feel is incorrect or less than optimal.

In this case, you feel continuing being succinct will push H away. Realize you do not control H, only you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. H is likely to, likely needs to, move further away before he may decide to turn back regardless.

Therefore, the best communication is where you don’t push or pull H at all. Just letting him decide, and live the consequences.

Also:


Yep. Be it a phone call, a text, a plan to pick up the kids, a two day visit, etc. A MLCer’s emotional state will color their world. And their emotions can and do change all the time, and at the drop of a hat.

Besides:


Boundaries need to be rock solid. No flip flopping.

It’s perfectly reasonable that as long as H is involved with OW, he is not involved with you. So, no having/inviting him to come up and join you.

(By the way, that’s bargaining. The last vestiges of you trying to feel the “old” normal. Perfectly normal part of grief. Once you let go the attempts of regaining the “old” you’ll head toward depression and then acceptance.)

Realize you are not punishing H. Is it punishing to H? Perhaps. However, that’s on him. His bed. Let him lay in it. Allow him to choose a better path.

Be the lighthouse.

D