Thank you Job. You always have a way of putting things in perspective for me. Thank you for talking me down off my ledge. I WILL carry on. I CAN do this.
reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. I find myself wanting to apologize but I know that’s not right. I want to scream, ... I’m on the clock again. Is he looking at apartments again? When does he plan on telling the kids? Right before d(19) leaves for school and d(17) starts her Senior year? ... Just need to vent.
As much as you need. Whenever you want to. Here.
I've felt every one of those things. I get it.
And you know what? Sometimes I still have reality hit me like a ton of bricks sometimes. Almost a year since XW finalized the D. Why? Well, been thinking of that for a post in my thread - the impact of going from trust -> receiving dishonesty, disrespect, disloyalty...
and the world keeps turning ... paying me and my occasional desolation no mind.
So I tell my story here to vent. To let it out. And to tell my joys in order to reinforce them Where others get it. And to get advice and perspective from those like job who have gone through the fire before -
Originally Posted by job
The only thing you can do is go somewhere and scream as loud as you can. Take a walk, do something that is really physical that requires your strength and full attention, find a pillow and beat the living daylights out of it.
G's sister - brother, I used to go for walks in the forest and whack trees with a big stick. As hard as I could. and then my hands hurt.
So, on those good things that YOU control ... any biking lately? tell us a good biking story! It's part of your GAL right?
g
Related music feels... hmmmm... something that goes harder for those rage/scream/desolation feelings... I can't decide between:
All the Good - Filter
Rise and shine IMO take back what’s mine from you cuz
All the good in us gets assassinated All the good in us gets killed no hesitation
Or "mellower"
A Little Bit Off - Five Finger Death Punch
I'm a little bit off today, somethin' down inside me's different Woke up a little off today, I can tell that somethin's wrong I'm a little thrown off today, there's something going on inside me I'm a little bit off today, a little bit off today [Outro] I'm a little bit off today Somethin' down inside me feels so different Just a little bit off today You can all f*** off today
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
No biking lately. Not since I hurt my finger. I know my finger doesn’t really have anything to do with Biking but I so worried that if I would fall I would mess it up. So still lifting, and my lifting buddy is 100% behind me so that helps. Walking the dog when it’s not too hot. Halfway done with my online history class and going to start taking piano again when my finger is ready. Lots of GALing this weekend. Grad party that H will probably go with me too and a fundraiser that I will to by myself if I have to..lots of friends there. Reading a book about self care. Doing at least three things that bring me joy everyday. And knowing they bring me joy brings me even more. Funny how that works. Thanks for reminding of the good things!
My WAW been back for a year, now. Our older daughters and my youngest at 15 have benefitted but they hate if we argue. Our sex life has not been so great. Personally, that hits me emotionally very hard. She gives me sex just as a 'duty' or to do something nice for me. She had screwed up and told me she gave the OP lots of sex because she was worried about him going out and fng someone else. I also had pestered her for the truth and she said "yes, it was exciting. And enjoyable but then felt really bad and realized it was such a horrific damage to myself and my family." So, it's now hurting ME extra deeply all over again. She doesn't even TRY to enjoy our sex or get an orgasm. Makes me feel like sht. She promised to work so much harder on that and put more honest effort into it. She had said that a year ago also and I pointed out and she admits she didn't follow through. Oh, also while we were separated, she got pregnant by the mf OP she was with. She had miscarriage fairly early and back then I had been very crying and sympathetic with her (still apart then) Now, I just have this agonizing pain over and over and almost constantly about her having sex w someone else. AND GETTING IMPREGNATED BY HIS SORRY A$$. He was married as well. It just hurts so much and I've been praying and praying but I don't feel relief and I feel like I can't stand the pain period and don't know if ever can get past it. We've been married 15 years. Back together now but shoot, 2 other times in the past she ran off too. I could really use some advice and ideas about the getting through this constant agony.
M:48 W:35 S:16 D:15 D:10 Md: 12 & 1/2 years bomb: Jan 8 ? she moved out about then also Moved in w/OM soon after
My WAW been back for a year, now. Our older daughters and my youngest at 15 have benefitted but they hate if we argue. Our sex life has not been so great. Personally, that hits me emotionally very hard. She gives me sex just as a 'duty' or to do something nice for me. She had screwed up and told me she gave the OP lots of sex because she was worried about him going out and fng someone else. I also had pestered her for the truth and she said "yes, it was exciting. And enjoyable but then felt really bad and realized it was such a horrific damage to myself and my family." So, it's now hurting ME extra deeply all over again. She doesn't even TRY to enjoy our sex or get an orgasm. Makes me feel like sht. She promised to work so much harder on that and put more honest effort into it. She had said that a year ago also and I pointed out and she admits she didn't follow through. Oh, also while we were separated, she got pregnant by the mf OP she was with. She had miscarriage fairly early and back then I had been very crying and sympathetic with her (still apart then) Now, I just have this agonizing pain over and over and almost constantly about her having sex w someone else. AND GETTING IMPREGNATED BY HIS SORRY A$$. He was married as well. It just hurts so much and I've been praying and praying but I don't feel relief and I feel like I can't stand the pain period and don't know if ever can get past it. We've been married 15 years. Back together now but shoot, 2 other times in the past she ran off too. I could really use some advice and ideas about the getting through this constant agony.
M:48 W:35 S:16 D:15 D:10 Md: 12 & 1/2 years bomb: Jan 8 ? she moved out about then also Moved in w/OM soon after
I found your old thread which is at the 100 post limit. Please make a new thread and I’ll link them together (if you want). Also a new thread will give folks a place to read and respond directly to you.
Thanks
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So a duplicate credit card payment for his “work card” again last month. I haven’t said anything about it. But sometime I can’t help feeling that he thinks I’m just ignorant for not bringing these things up. He’s obviously trying to hide it. At what point am I just becoming a doormat?
Other things that have happened. My car broke down. H has been really helpful letting me use his car when I need to which has been incredibly helpful. Sometimes it’s “we” conversations about getting it fixed (which we are) and sometimes it’s been more “you” conversations. It’s been weird. He’s also doing more around the house without me asking. Last night it was dishes. Not that he doesn’t help out. It’s just been more lately. I thank him pretty much every time he does that.
D19 moves back to school on the 31st. Tick tock….what will happen?
So a duplicate credit card payment for his “work card” again last month. I haven’t said anything about it. But sometime I can’t help feeling that he thinks I’m just ignorant for not bringing these things up. He’s obviously trying to hide it. At what point am I just becoming a doormat?
I am inferring you mean H made a second identical payment to try to hide that he had higher expenses to cover. (You saw the two payment in the banking statement, not the credit card statement.)
They do try to hide stuff. Like the lease cancelation, let it go. Don't ask. (Do continue to keep tabs on the finances.)
I do not see you as a doormat. Doormats get walked on, and you are not getting walked on.
Nice to see you - as in both of you - are getting the car fixed. Also nice to hear H is helping around the house as well. A simple thank you to his positive behaviors can go a long way. Well done.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks D. Yes that’s exactly what he did. Two payments that matched his expense check. So double. I don’t have access to the credit card statement, do saw it on the bank statement. Keeping track of all bank statements so I have everything. Keeping my mouth shut.
It was tough not having my car. Even though I was able to borrow D’s and H’s. We also had D17’s senior pics taken this past week. It was so fun and she had such a good time! But I was kind of a mess this week.
When D19 was a senior I struggled knowing she was leaving the nest. This one might be harder. But I’m going to make the absolute most of it and make sure she is as happy and successful as possible. It’s hard with her with her ADHD. I pray she has a great year.
Good news! My finger is all healed up! So once it’s not a billion degrees outside I’ll be out in my bike!
