Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 2nd Time Around (Thread #2)

Great post MrP, I'm very happy for the outcomes you're experiencing and how you're handling things. I love the call to action at the end of your post - nothing in life or DB'ing is more important that taking action! And small steps beget larger ones. Keep it up, your patience and self awareness are great examples.

Welcome back, M, and I'm so glad to read your update. Thanks for the kind words. Yes, you caught my "call to action" to try and help people jump-start their GAL work. It really is important for your personal growth, sanity, and even attractiveness (not to seem so desperately accessible and waiting for one's spouse to do anything).

Good evening, all. I'm dropping in to share that progress continues to be positive. Today W got back her wedding rings after some re-sizing and cleaning. She's proudly wearing them again. I received some unexpected thank yous for taking care of several things around our home. Our D14 is thriving at school and sports. We had a family wedding (that I originally wasn't going to attend on W's side of the family) and D14 was quite happy to snap pics of her mom and dad, together on the dance floor. We've had some date nights that have been fun, and playful, and rebuild our sense of closeness. W suggested we may need to see our MC less which I'm reluctant to do so soon.

We still have to tackle some issues related to in-laws, budgeting, and chores. But, I feel more confident that I've got a true partner in solving things....together.

I'll admit that there have been a few things that have frustrated or angered me. I'm more inclined now to have the feelings and not let them drive my reactions and behavior. I take the time to choose my words carefully and re-frame things into requests for more information or careful expressions of my concerns, the impact, and my hopes for solutions going forward.

I hope to share more specific info in my next update but am a bit tired this evening from a busy day at work. Have a good night and please take good care of yourselves. This is hard work to do if we're not at our best.

Hard to believe it has been ~ 2 months since my last update. Once more, I am happy to share that things continue to go well. Our MC is excellent. She is very fair and I suspect is also working specifically on W's anxiety issues and helping to resolve past trauma indirectly under the cover of our counseling. D14 is thriving at school in terms of grades, athletics, socially, and overall well-being. We both are making an effort to be clearer with what we need or want. We're having omre future-focused conversations (about retirement, home improvements, travel, etc.) than we've had in many years. W is still struggling when she thinks about interactiing with my mother as the holidays approach. MC is pushing W on why W continues to hang on to past, negative interactions and even suggested having my mother join a session to resolve whatever is between them (competition of for my attention - I guess that might be a different way of being the "prize"). W seems to be softening up a bit as the holidays approach and acknowledges she needs to speak up more as my SIL does by comparison (and my mom seems to back off/down when she crosses a boundary). Time will tell.

I'm continuing to focus on my well-being at the same time. All the DB work, and much of what MWD says in Change Your Life, has been beneficial across my life. Work, friendships, and other interactions all seem to be going more positively than I can recall before really putting this work in and re-shaping my habits. I'm also trying to help D14, my team, and other friends around me learn some of the MWD and solutions-based practices discussed here.

To those of you dealing with a recent bomb drop, facing a partner with a MLC, dealing with infidelity or mental health challenges, I want to emphasize the need to STAY THE COURSE. One way or the other, it will pay off. You can definitely emerge from the experience as an improved version and an increasingly better version of you can be. I recall how hopeless things felt (both times I've faced a potential D). With the pandemic, global crises, the election here in the U.S. - and all the usual challenges we can face in our daily lives, I recognize how overwhelming things may have gotten for you. Don't give up on yourself. This community remains available to support you. The wonderful author of these books and sponsor of this board....who many of us may never meet....continues to keep this website alive and accessible. Take advantage of it!

I hope to be more present on the board offering whatever help I can now that things are slowing down a bit as the holidays approach. I look forward to catching up with longer-term members, meeting new ones, and trying to pay forward the generosity that continues to exist here in our little corner of the web. Until next time....Mr P.

Good evening. I felt like I was due to update my situation and not just drop in to comment on others. W and I continue going to MC and just hit a milestone: we're going to meet with our MC bi-monthly and primarily to make sure we don't lose our "hard won gains" in this process. We are better at communicating. We are more thoughtful with one another. We are taking our challenges one at a time and working through them as a team to a better conclusion. Our MC continues to offer very positive feedback on our progress.

Now, we're only 7-8 months past my W withdrawing D papers. I'd consider us still piecing at this point and don't want to do a touchdown dance just yet. However, it is a milestone that feels genuine and I think worth sharing for those of you who may be looking for a bit of hope (if you want to save your M). D15 is also visibly happy that mom and dad remain together and seem to be falling back in love; I hope we're showing her how a secure relationship should work, how to forgive, and how to health together and by taking care of yourself too.

At the same time, I'm maintaining the other "new" habits I developed by following MWD's recommendations and those of many people in this group, whether via direct feedback or pouring over so many helpful threads. This site and community - you - have become quite a special part of my life.

If you've jumped into the forum and not read MWDs actual books, do pick them up. Mark them up. Write down important notes. Practice! It really helped me rebuild my self-esteem and confidence to stick with it and see steady results not unlike a sound diet plan.

Have a good weekend. For those of you feeling anxious, scared, hopeless, frustrated or any of the host of feelings one can experience related to D, please hang in there. Take small steps to stabilize things for YOU. We'll be here to help! All my best, MrP

It has been longer than I thought since my last post! Things continue to go well between W and me. Our MC is excellent and, though we only have monthly check-ins, I feel our new (and better) marital habits are paying off. W communicates much more clearly about what she wants/needs. I continue to listen attentively and carefully to ascertain what W's needs are in the moment. W told our MC that she wasn't sure if we'd have made it without her as our MC, and I tend to agree.

At the same time, I am ensuring that I'm clear about my expectations and boundaries. When W (going through menopause) attempts to be discourteous towards me, I politely call out the behavior and, if it continues, advise W that I'm available to talk respectfully at any time and that the moment doesn't seem right. I ask W how I can best support her as she continues to navigate menopause, and am mindful of what is/isn't working for us daily so that I continue to do more of what works and less of what doesn't work. For example, I know W is on a kick for fixing up various things inside and outside of the house. So, I'm working to stay ahead of her "to-do" list, or asking what she'd like us to prioritize tackling next. In the evenings, I know W needs to decompress with a good book and have carved out that same time for catching up on my favorite podcasts. I continue to GAL with close friends, and W is taking an interest in joining us for certain activities again.

My mother unexpectedly passed away. For those who followed my journey, you may recall that W and my mom had a difficult relationship, mostly do to my mother's behavior. As sad as losing a parent can be, my observation is that W is turning more towards me than before - both to offer support and continue piecing our rebooted relationship together. For example, W wants us to set aside time to work through a few activities in a couples counseling book that is specifically tailored around one or both partners having anxiety issues. W is also wanting to talk more about how we might envision our retirement lifestyle to be and asking about things we could do once we cross that threshold in several years.

This forum continues to be a great resource. It reminds me of how bad things felt at one point and keeps me working to not lose my hard-won gains or backslide. It reminds me to maintain my boundaries, work on myself, continuously work on being attractive (in both actions and appearance), and to similarly work on being an expert on all things related to W. And, D15 has also been thriving as the spectre of potentially divorced parents gets smaller and smaller.

I don't write this to gloat or suggest it was easy to get to this point. I've said before and will say again that it takes intention, stamina, and thoughtfulness to improve YOURSELF to then see if your spouse responds with interest in R or if you've achieved confidence in your self-value such that you recognize you will be fine no matter the outcome from attempting to DB. I look forward to catching up on others' situations and trying to help how I might.

Inspiring P. Such profound goodness that has not been easy at all and you have laid out your dedicated focus on improvement. Looking back, how did you keep faith and follow the path and plan. Your MC sounds really good for W. It is the 2 of you however that are piecing together and your leadership strength and lighthousing has been exemplary.

Thanks, Rock. Keeping the faith, following the path, and planning = not easy. Often on this board, we talk about DBing being counterintuitive. I felt at times like I was trying to swim against the current of MWDs recommendations and those of members of the DB community here. Little by little, I just embraced doing what was counterintuitive. For example, I stop pursuing W. I pivoted my focus on my well-being and that of D15. I stuck to Sandi's guidance to others over time until the old behaviors that contributed to my half or our marital conflict steadily got replaced by better ones. Not as simple as it sounds. As many of you can attest, your heart and mind want to do one thing, while MWD and members of this forum (whose main interest is to offer less biased advice than people we know) are often recommending 180-degree different paths. And, you're right, a good MC makes a great deal of difference, but you need both parties to trust each other and want to put in the work.

Welcome back! And well done!



What occurs to me is advice on interacting on emotion-based communications. i.e. Interpreting through the filter - "I feel" -fill in the statement- "right now." Is this something that applies here?



I see you are NOT fixing HER problems for her. Rather, offering support as she chooses...



Condolences. This is an ongoing fear of mine...



YES! Things I see now that I lost focus on through the difficulties of mid-life ... and so did XW. Now? well... working on those first two.


That key starting point. If the WAS is willing though...

Future’s Calling - Apollo LTD

Hello human
Hello suffering
It's hard to reconcile what is
And the way it was meant to be
But something's about to givе
Standing on the brink
Call it a breakthrough
Call it a rescuе
Call it your destiny

g

Thank you for posting! I needed this today….hope.