Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Please someone Help !! Advice suggestions

Hi Mia.

I don’t see a fast solution here. There’s some pretty appalling behaviour from both sides.

What you have is not a marriage. It’s an unhealthy relationship borne out of his sense of obligation towards children, and your extreme co-dependency issues.

I think you need some pretty involved IC. You need to forget this marriage for now, get yourself to counselling (perhaps with a copy of your first post) and work on you. There’s so much to unpack here psychologically - and if that’s not done, any reconciliation or improvement in your marriage will only be temporary.

You really need to do that self discovery process of learning who you are and building self-love and respect for a year or two before you’re even in a position to decide if this relationship should be saved.

As others have said, you need to leave him alone. Anyone who comes back to a relationship with a virtual gun to their head is just building more and more resentment.

Mia, what I'm trying to get you to step back and see as that this is a toxic relationship. I know that is not what you want to hear. I know you want the magic fix, the one thing to do or say to stop the divorce. But my question is what are you trying to save? Aggression involving cops is a major major red flag. What I'd love is for you to step back, read your own post, and give an honest unbiased assessment of it.

Yes this is a divorce busting site, but even MWD would say that there are some marriages that shouldn't be saved.

I hope you take the advice in the spirit it's intended. God bless and I hope not nothing for the best for you.

"hope for nothing but the best for you".

Hi Mia - As others have suggested, the current relationship sounds toxic and abusive. The most recommended course of action here will be to focus entirely on caring for yourself and your kids. Many of us come here retaining hope we can save our marriages. It may or may not happen. The only person we can control is ourselves. You say you've read MWDs books so you likely know this already. It's time to act "as if" you're moving on. Follow Sandi's rules. As others suggest, find friends, hobbies, and other interests you will enjoy. I suspect you'd benefit greatly from drafting some concrete boundaries that will help YOU regain your footing and protect you. We're all here to help brainstorm solutions, offer support, and provide a (mostly - we can have biases at times) neutral audience for you. As Steve suggests, we are all hoping for nothing but the best for you.

So if I would have kept the information about COPS to myself, would it be fine and would I have gotten any advise?
My point here wasn't to get more demoralized or depressed.
I was really hoping to get some serious honest but sincere suggestions.

Did any of u read my post and noticed that HE WAS WANTING TO LEAVE BEFORE THE POLICE SITUATION AND AGRESSION EVER HAPPENED? (Capitalized for only emphasis not to disrespect)

And as a wife or partner , who hasn't called the cops isn't supposed to try to save the marriage. If I would have found this community then, I would have posted that story first.and cops wouldn't even take place.

It's fine to call it toxic.
Or call me seriously co dependant.
Or call him sensible towards children (no sensible person abandons their children btw out of an argument )
Bit sure... its all good to say these things when I haven't really fully undressed our day to day.


These things I kind of know and working on.
It's easier , what harder is to find a solution and help out.
No , wasn't looking for a magic spell.
Was definitely hoping to know in the least what I am doing is right.
I keep coming back to this depressed mindset where it's like , if I admit what I have done wrong people only shame me for that, instead of acknowledging that a person who hasn't done the work on themselves will never fully admit their wrong.

Mia,

I am very sorry to hear of your situation.

You have asked for honest and sincere suggestions, and those that have replied have given them to you. They all boil down to the same thing: you need to concentrate on what is best for you right now, and working on what you are going through and healing from that. You need things to think about outside of your marriage problems. Go back and read those posts again, and read as much of the information in those links as possible. There is a lot of good stuff there. Think about it and absorb it.

I don’t know what the outcome of your situation will be, but if you and H can be reconciled, that is secondary at this point and is a long way off. You didn’t get into this situation in a few weeks or months, and you won’t get out of it in that time either. You need to be thinking of a much longer time frame than that.

If you hadn’t mentioned about calling the police, you would probably have gotten the same advice, and whether you mentioned it or not doesn’t change the fact that it happened, and if I read your story correctly, this was not the first time police were involved (called by others). In this case, saving the marriage can’t be the primary concern. I know if I were in a relationship where police had been involved, regardless of who called them, my safety would be my immediate concern above all else.

I hope for the best for you.

Hello Mia


I’ve no doubts you are doing your best, and I will give you advice and suggestions to the best of my abilities.

What I meant by road blocks was blocks on your path towards your healing and wholeness. The road blocks being stating what folks can and cannot respond about. I believe you deserve the best information you can get; anything that runs counter to that is less helpful. True, at times, some information sounds harsh and is difficult to hear and accept.

Mia, you are the most important person in this equation. Do realize that. Everything here is first and foremost for you. We post and we care about you. Honest. (((Hugs)))


Speaking for myself, yes. You would have still received my advice.

Calling 911 was a one time thing. And H is holding it over you. If it wasn’t that, he’d have found something else. No need to beat yourself up over that.

I do wish to clarify, are you pregnant? You said that you are expecting.


Mia, this is a safe place. You are among those who truly understand and empathize what you are going through. Every poster here has an incredible story of bomb drop and strife and such. And near 100% of the posters, eventually, have an even more incredible story of healing and thriving.

When I made my first post, I was so full of trepidation. I was so terrified of being judged. Terrified of the shambles my life and marriage was in. My W’s bomb drop was on the nuclear end of the spectrum, and I had absolute faith in her. So, her poisonous words and behaviours really got to me, and I had some very serious doubts about myself and my situation.

You’ve made the first posts. You took that first scary step. Believe me, we are here for you.

In your letter to H you mentioned:


Whatever it takes.

It takes time. It takes letting go. It takes embracing the path.


Excellent!

Honor your vows. Work on yourself. Apply what you learn. And be patience. Dig deep for patience.

We are pretty much fixers. However, like I said it’s highly counterintuitive, it’s not really about fixing. It’s about outlasting this, doing your inner work, hopefully having H turn around, and building a new and better relationship.

You’ve got the gift of time. Use it wisely.


There is always hope. Where there is love, there is hope.

Do not try to jumpstart the process of reconciliation. Too much pressure and H will bolt. Time and space are your best allies in your efforts.

You want H, at some point in the future, to realize that “Hey, Mia hasn’t been bothering me for a while now and I’m still unhappy”. Then with some luck he’ll consider that “hmmmm, maybe she’s not the cause after all”. And with even more good fortune, H will look inward for his unhappiness and start to actually address things.

Out of that scenario, you can only control your part. That’s giving time and space, being mostly pressure-free, implementing boundaries, focusing on you and the kids, GAL, and so on. Basically, living and loving your life. And letting H run to catch up to you.

Oh, by the way, you don’t have to worry about how do I show H my new and improved self. Just live it. Just shine. Because, in truth, and in the end, you aren’t really doing it for him.

Have you read the lighthouse story yet? It’s one of the links in the welcome post. I really like the lighthouse analogy. Maybe you will too.

Hope you have a good night.

D

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation Mia. We have all been there, we have all wanted to speed up the process of reconciliation and by wanting that we make some pretty horrid mistakes. Like everyone keeps saying your H wants space. Give it to him. Give him completely to whatever higher power or god or whatever you believe in. Because you can’t make him come back. You don’t want to guilt him back, and honestly there is nothing that can fast track this. Let him go and live his reality of a life without you. No begging no crying and the biggest and hardest one of all is NO EXPECTATIONS. Expectations can destroy you. They will destroy you. You need to have zero expectations of him. In your actions, in your conversations. I think DnJ gave me a good lecture on expectations a while ago. We expect them to look at us, to tell us they still love us, to tell us they made a mistake, to smile at us, to touch us or hug us as they walk past. We expect too much from them. Then when they don’t meet those expectations it destroys us as LbS.

I had written this down ages ago and had it in my phones notes . I can’t remember who said it or where I read it but always good reminder

“Failed expectations pack a HUGE punch! One that will destroy your hopes, dreams, strength, and leave you truly angry and disgusted with your spouse, easily causing you to walk in the exact opposite of love.”

If you want a fast track to reconciliation the best key right now is to turn your focus on you and the kids ( and stop expecting him to notice. He’s not paying any attention to you right now so he won’t notice. Not yet. He’s too busy with the storm in his head) but give him time give him patience. And stay away from him if he’s drinking. Alcohol can really uncover some hidden buried anger. I learnt that with my spouse.

This was why I was afraid to really respond to your post, because with you putting up roadblocks (saying you didn't want suggestions of toxicity), that being truthful with you would cause you to become upset, stop posting, etc.

First of all, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG IN DIALING 911! Nothing! Please get that out of your head. Most men can physically kill most women with their bare hands. Anytime a male domestic partner is aggressive, threatening and makes the female DP feel unsafe, 911 SHOULD be called. That women usually feel at fault after calling 911 for a domestic dispute is something I will never understand. You have nothing to apologize for: to him, to us, to yourself, to anybody!!

Secondly, you mention a couple of things that I find striking. You say you wish hadn't mentioned the incident. You ask if we noticed that he wanted to leave before the incident. BUT, you also shared this:

"There has been 2x times when he was been agressive and cops were called 2x by bystanders ( not to me directly, but throwing things, smashing walls etc).cops interviewed us. Asked me to press charges. I didnt. We called it off. This was all during the 2nd year of our dating."

That is THREE incidents. And that is THREE different people (you and 2 other bystanders) that have called 911 on this man for getting threatening and aggressive with you. 1 time, okay, everyone makes a mistake. 2 times is of concern. 3 times forms a pattern.

I think you and the bystanders are in the right here. You all did the right thing and I think this guy has some serious anger issues that need to be addressed in IC. Unfortunately, we (including you) do not get to make that call. He controls him and only he can seek help.

I'll tell you a story about my good friend L. L had an incident with her boyfriend when they were dating. He got physical with her. This was a dealbreaker for her and she left him. He begged, pleaded, told her he was sorry, said he was getting helped. Talked her into getting back together. A couple of years went by. They got married. 2 years into marriage he got physical with her again and almost choked her to death. Notice, this was only the second incident in 5 years, but she realized that her life was at risk by staying with him, and she divorced him (after getting a restraining order). A man that shows this capability RARELY improves without counseling. In fact, it tends to worsen over time.

Now you asked what advice you'd get if you hadn't shared these aggression details, so I will honor your wish.

Mia, I am sorry you are here, but I am glad you found the forum! You will find good folks here that want to help and want to see nothing but the best for you.

My advice to you? Get a life like a madwoman. Every minute you aren't being the best mom that you can be, you are busy with hobbies, with hanging out with friends, with reestablishing old friendships, and forging new ones. GAL should become your #2 goal in life after being a mom.

Second? Get into individual counseling. Work on self-improvements. Work on being the best version of yourself that you can be! Become a woman only a fool would leave. The best improvement you can do at this point is to work through IC on your codependence. It is unhealthy. You mention you "know that he is YOUR person". This is a fallacy. The truth is that there are many persons out there that you are compatible with. One of the key ways someone is your person is that they love you and want to be with you. Accept that he doesn't want that right now and move forward with your life. Remember, IC, self-improvements, becoming the best version of yourself that you can be!

Third, and this one works to break your codependence as well, is to learn how to be happily and healthily emotionally detached from your WAH. That means you find happiness inside of you! That means that if he were totally out of your life today, that you could move forward with your own life and not only survive but thrive. We live in an imperfect world. Not only can people choose to leave, but accident and disease can take someone out of our lives. That means we have to be able to cope, to move forward, and to continue to thrive after someone is no longer in our lives. This doesn't mean you can't be sad, but it does mean that you cannot be paralyzed by fear and depression.

The thing about this advice? It removes all of the focus off of him and puts it onto you. Your life's happiness is no longer tied up into one person, but tied up into you and what you do! You set yourself up for success in your next relationship, whether that is with him or someone else! Let go of the rope, let him go, and you go find joy and peace in your own life.

Now here is the rub. If you do the above, for you and no one else (especially him), sometimes the WAS will get curious as to why you are different and will be interested in being part of the changes. Sometimes not. We don't get to choose that. But letting go, focusing on you through GAL, 180s (self-improvements) and emotional detachment has a much better chance of getting the WAS to question what they are doing than holding on for dear life!

So stop what has brought you to this current point and implement the above. Save yourself! In doing that sometimes the marriage comes along for the ride. Sometimes not. But either way the above advice will get you through to the next phase of your life.

Hi Mia,
You've gotten alot of good advice here. It can be difficult to follow for sure.

The crying, begging, pleading, nagging... it all comes from a place of pain. Pain from being rejected, The Pain of realizing the one you love doesn't want to be with you anymore.

Denial can be very strong. No one faults you for that - we all have been there. No one expects you to accept your marriage is over today. We didn't do that either.

It's a process and it takes time. GALing, Detaching - these are things that help you emotionally.

I'm also going to add that its okay to grieve. To scream. To Cry your eyes out. It's recommended on here to do it away from your H. This is for your benefit. Nothing adds salt into a wound than crying your eyes out to a partner who is unable to comfort you.

But make time for it. The only way out - is through... as sh!tty as that is. One day at a time. One hour at a time. And sometimes one minute at a time.

I hope you will continue to post. We truly know what you have been through.

((Hugs))