It’s been a good week. Work. Getting things done. Healthy lifestyle. Early (reasonable) bedtime. Consistent rising time. Exercising, friends and family. Taking care of home.
Made time to talk to W on the phone as she requested about her upcoming trip to visit D and GD. We discussed what I thought was the reason she called and then she started to talk about us needing to divide up the assets and she went into some details about how it’s not working. I have the house, the things, the family time. And she won’t let me control her anymore. I validated her emotional state, repeated back to her what I heard her say. I also said, “ send me a list by email and I’ll look it over.” W didn’t like that and said we have to sit down and go over everything and decide who gets what.
I let her know I would think about it and that I was heading to meet someone. She hung up on me.
Much better exchange but for the future when it comes to your kids that don’t have special needs there’s absolutely zero for you to communicate about. I hope you see how she used her child to get you on the phone instead of just being honest about the conversation to begin with and what the purpose is.
Have a good weekend Rock
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Made time to talk to W on the phone as she requested about her upcoming trip to visit D and GD.
I’d suggest have discussions only regarding bills and kids with W. And that’s kids’ welfare, not her (or your) relationship with them.
Originally Posted by Rockon
We discussed what I thought was the reason she called and then she started to talk about us needing to divide up the assets and she went into some details about how it’s not working.
It sounds like her underlying real reason was not about D or GD or the upcoming trip, rather to try to stir you up.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I also said, “ send me a list by email and I’ll look it over.” W didn’t like that and said we have to sit down and go over everything and decide who gets what.
I let her know I would think about it and that I was heading to meet someone. She hung up on me.
Well done Rock!
Now stick to your guns. Do not walk this back. No sit down meeting with just the two of you regarding splitting up of assets. W can email you whatever details she is considering. Let her (make her) do the heavy lifting. The weight of her decisions is starting to press, let her feel it.
Her hanging up is so juvenile. A typical response of a pre-planned call not going to the imagined script. Quite a reaction from her. Indicative of her feeling like she’s loosing control over you.
Keep to your path, and do not bring attention to the target she is try to place upon you. Ignore her bait. Focus on you, kids, work, and living. Let her be. Let her lay in the bed she’s made.
You’ve spoken to a lawyer. You know what’s what. If W does send something “official” speak with your L and then respond.
Time and space. She’s a grown woman, and is or should be capable of making plans for her own upcoming trip. Same goes for her relationship with kids and family and friends. Not you circus, not your monkeys.
In one breath she wants support, and the next she wants to discuss splitting up. Back way off and let her feel what she needs to feel. She’s trying to keep you front and center, and the more you are in her crosshairs, the less other helpful emotions she will experience. You cannot control her feelings and justifications, you just minimize your reinforcement of them.
Originally Posted by Rockon
It’s been a good week. Work. Getting things done. Healthy lifestyle. Early (reasonable) bedtime. Consistent rising time. Exercising, friends and family. Taking care of home.
Excellent! Keep it up.
I had an early winter storm here. Near a foot of snow fell in 24 hours. Cleared the deck three times! The entire things, all 2200 sqft. Given the moisture content, and how heavy a shovel full was, the snow was around the 20lb/cuft. That’s like 20 tons of snow. Explains why my arms and back are so sore today.
Take care,
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It gets more intense. W texted and said that I keep controlling her (I’m standing up to her now I don’t see that I am controlling anymore but I am very open to examine my behaviours) and it’s always been that way and that’s why she left. She also doesn’t want S25 driving our car that we both own if he is not talking to her. He sometimes borrows the car especially to take S22 somewhere.
She also texted to say that it’s not fair that I didn’t allow her to withhold some of her contributions towards family expenses when she went on her trips. She said that’s another example of me controlling her. I kept the same expectations that we would continue to contribute the same amounts and I would not subsidize her travels. That was Consistent with how I have treated my own travels as well.
We have made a change since I was without income (I am working and earning now but it is limited and will gradually I increase). Now we each contribute equally to mortgage insurance taxes and utilities and we are each individually responsible now for our own personal expenses (previously I contributed double what she did and that also covered gas and groceries for each of us. She has not started paying child support yet.
I’m guessing the jointly owned car is at home, not at her Mom’s. And that you have the keys at home as well. You have care and control of the car. Let son drive it.
W’s childish temper tantrum of not letting S25 use the car because he won’t talk to her, is just that - childish! Pay it no heed.
The rest of her rant. Say nothing. Your best move in her game, is to not play.
If W changes the financial status quo, then you’ll need to respond. Right now, W is venting, and not much constructive is being proposed.
Go outside and enjoy the day. W will say you are controlling her. Somehow, while walking around enjoying the sunshine, you managed to control her.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She has not started paying child support yet.
Do you and her have an agreement? Either proposed, drafted, negotiated, signed, to be signed, whatever? Is she in the arrears of child support?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I genuinely apologized to W for something I did this weekend while she has been away visiting D28 and GD. I was in the hospital emergency and so was D20. Both of us had cardiac symptoms. On Saturday morning, I had worrisome heart palpitations. I went into the emergency and got fully checked out: 12-lead ECG, bloodwork and heart ultrasound and everything checked out fine. ER doc sent me home eventually hours later, told me to follow up with my doctor and recommended a 24-48 hr holter monitor to get a fuller picture of my heart rhythm.
While I was in the ER that morning, D texted me to say her heart was racing and felt weird. Should she be concerned? I said yes call your aunt (my sister). My sister went and picked up D from home and brought her in to the emergency. D also got a full work up and was finally cleared in the evening. Doc said everything checked out fine and that he couldn’t find the cause and recommended the same follow up as I received. I didn’t tell W until last evening, 24 hrs after D had been in hospital. W was extremely upset, felt very hurt that I didn’t tell her right away about us being in hospital. She told me, “I’m her mom. You need to tell me right away if anything happens to any of our kids. If you had texted me to say she was going into hospital, I would have called right away.”
Thing is I didn’t want to tell W about me because I don’t trust her or feel that she cares about me. It’s my feelings of betrayal and abandonment that make me not trust her. I do not feel safe with her. This is a total change since BD. Before that I felt very safe with her. That’s one thing. But why didn’t I tell her about D right away. She is a loving and caring mom.
Both D and I were in stable condition the whole time. While we were together in the ER, I had asked D if she let her mom know. She said no and I left it. D let her bf know and he came into the hospital to be there with her.
After all was said and done, D and bf came over for dinner. Once I finally told W last evening, she was very hurt and I apologized for not letting her know right away. I should not have held that from her.
I’m glad you sought medical diagnosis and treatment, and that your’s and D20’s symptoms have quelled.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I had asked D if she let her mom know. She said no and I left it.
I agree with what you did. You asked, and listened to and followed daughter’s wishes.
I look at it as rights and privileges.
When one’s kids are young, minors, under 18, dependents, parents/legal guardians have a right to know about children’s welfare. That’s parents with share custody. With my XW’s demanded removal of her responsibilities, and in writing (twice) stating that I am to have sole custody of our children, she relinquished her rights. Anyhow, after 18 years of age, those “parental” rights become privileges.
Adult “children”, have rights to their privacy. That privacy includes medical treatments and history, medical problems, their finances, who they vote for, decision to join the army, choice to move, to attend family gatherings or not, and so on; rights just as any adult has.
Parents have privileges bestowed by their adult child. If your child speaks with you, keeps you informed, calls when they get hurt, asked for advice during a medical situation, seeks your input when buying a house, and such; it’s because they want to, not because they have to. They are extending privileges, not rights.
Daughter called you and her BF. Both D20 and BF came over for supper after all was calm. This whole situation is a good indicator that you are doing a pretty darn good job, IMHO. Life does provide feedback.
Do not tarnish or take for granted your privileges. Honour and respect them.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
