Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

Halloween was so fun. D11 was a box of her favorite candy (I made it). S1 was a construction worker. Nailed both of them. S1 trick or treated for about 20 houses before I took him to my mom's. D11 and I went hard for 2 hours. She collected 7 lbs of candy and was very excited about it. Most of it will end up donated or baked into Halloween cookies for people at work, but it was fun.

That's so funny that you hope for a white Christmas. Is that because of all of the snowy movies and songs? I just assumed people in Australia were used to summery Christmas. I've always thought that would be the hardest thing for me to get used to if I moved there.

As far as W, I'm honestly not very hopeful she will have a change of heart and want to come back. By that I mean I'm not living in hope, although I still think anything is possible. She shares her mom's tendancy to never admit fault and pretend everything is great. My xW *eventually* came clean about her affair, apologized and asked to try again. But I had already moved on. Throughout that DB process, I always thought she had it in her to admit her fault. I don't know if current W has it in her. It's a lack of honesty, but more than that, it's a lack of self confidence. xW, through her faults, does have a lot of confidence. W doesn't. And I think in this case, even if she were to get over her affair and want to rejoin our family, I think she wouldn't have the guts to say it for fear of rejection.

But then again, what do I know haha. I'm mind-reading with that statement. I think I'm doing the right thing, focusing on me, the kids and friends. It's crazy how different my second DB process is from the first. Could not stop thinking about xW for months. Mind went crazy every day wondering if there was OM. This time I know there probably is, but for the most part I legitimately don't care and don't worry about it. Hopefully that continues.

I will try to check in more frequently.

What a week. I had a last minute work trip to one of my favorite places in the world, Miami. Was able to take an extra day off and spend 1.5 days on the beach and eating delicious Cuban food. Then traveled all of the way to Chicago (plane then a 5 hr drive) to catch my favorite band in the world (My Morning Jacket). They played 3 nights and didnt repeat a song. Best live band on the planet right now.

I did go against some advice I’ve seen here and spent time with some in-laws while in Chicago, where W is from. SIL, BILs and a cousin. Hardly any talk about W, just enjoying each other’s company.

I’m back home and am so tired. Voice is shot from the concerts. But I’m feeling ok with the DB sitch. I’m still on the roller coaster. In October I thought I had fast-tracked to the smooth part, but I’ve had a couple of rough weeks lately. It’s different emotions each time. I know I’m just mourning all of the many losses that a separation/D brings. W still hasnt filed, but still referred to it as a D on a phone call on Tuesday.

Speaking of that, we had maybe our longest talk since she left on Tuesday while I was in Miami. 45 minutes or so. At first talked about S1 for a while, but it naturally changed to us. Nothing too deep, but it was interesting. She isnt talking to her dad or siblings. And from that call I gathered it’s because she’s afraid of hearing hurtful things from her dad. He does have a temper, but she’s also extremely sensitive to what he says. I get it because my dad also had a temper and I would walk on eggshells whenever I thought I may have pissed him off. But I also think her dad is much calmer about the situation now than he was 2 months ago. I’m not interjecting myself into it, btw, just my observation.

W straight up asked me if I was talking to him about us. She knew I had right around the time she left, but I guess she thought I still was. I’ve had a FaceTime here or there (every 3 weeks or so) so he could see S1 (he calls me). That’s because he cant see S1 otherwise. I told W no, I haven’t been talking to them about her because I have nothing else to say about it. I don’t know what’s going on with her. I asked if she wanted to start having more talks with me so we’re more transparent and she said yes. We’ll see. I’m not sure I want to do it yet because I’m going to want to ask her the “so what’s really going on?” questions and I still don’t think she’s in a place to give me an honest answer. Life is going to be hectic the next 3 weeks, and probably through new year. So maybe things will be different by January. But I’m not going to count on any timeline with W. I dont think she’s operating with much of a plan.

I dont know if I mentioned it on here, but she asked about her taking S1 to Denmark for all of Thanksgiving week (2 weeks from now). The premise was it would be the last week he could fly for free. It was a ridiculous ask since I’m going to have him on thanksgiving day and I’ll see close to 100 family members, many of which have only met S1 once or maybe not at all. I of course said no. It just goes to show how out of touch she is right now.

I hope everyone is doing well and staying on the DB path.

Glad to read your update, Card. I'm also glad you stood your ground about having S1 stay with you for Thanksgiving. You've been fired as a H so there is no leverage there to push you into caving in. If S1 really would like or benefit from the trip, MAYBE it becomes a "what is good for S1 is good for me" to consider. However, our sides of the family are important too. I'm sure you want everyone to see S1, brag about him a bit, and show S1 how much other family he's got out there.

Miami is great. I usually stop over there for 1-2 days on my way down the Keys. So much good food and opportunities to just chill down there. Always a great trip. Thanks for the reminder about My Morning Jacket too. I've not listened to them for a bit and do enjoy their music. Cheers!

I always think of the "you have no power here" meme from Lord of the Rings when it comes to my ex's. What are you going to do, withhold sex? Sit angrily on the couch (while I'm at my house on mine)?

I'd like to get some opinions on something that happened yesterday. Overall, I've been ok the last couple of weeks. Thanksgiving was meh, I really did miss W being around and having to switch off S1, D11, etc. Just not the family situation I dreamed of. But I'm working through it and know I will be okay in the future. I've known this holiday season will slightly suck like it did during my first divorce.

So back to yesterday. On Sunday, we had S1's bday party. I guess he's S2 now. A few family and friends, all mine, and W. I was slightly surprised she was able to be around everyone due to her awkwardness, and while it was a little weird, for the most part everything was fine. I took lots of pictures, and W asked me to send them to her. No problem. I meant to Airdrop them to her as it's much easier/faster than texting dozens of pics and videos. In case you don't know, Airdrop is over bluetooth, so you have to be near the other phone. I forgot to send before she left, but we had a plan for her to come over yesterday so we can divy up the Christmas ornaments. I said I'd Airdrop them when she came back.

So we're splitting the ornaments, everything is fine. I'm in a good mood, S2 is playing and having a good time so I'm happy watching him. I remember the pics. "Oh let me Airdrop those pictures to you." She says she doesn't think it will work because her phone is messed up. She just got a new phone and new phone plan so she can get off of her dad's plan. "One less thing to hold over her head" she said. Their R is still ice cold, but whatever. She opens her phone and her camera roll so we can try the Airdrop.

She's holding the phone in front of me, so I see the roll of pictures. There's a picture of a bare chest. It was just 1 of the 20 small pictures on the screen, so I couldn't immediately recognize who it was. And I'm not overly suspicious or anything, again I'm in a happy mood. I jokingly ask "oh who's nipple?" She says it's hers, she took the picture to show her friend in Denmark her tattoo (the girl she went to visit for 5 weeks total in the spring/summer this year). I asked what new tattoo she got, she says it's an older picture, it's when she got the coverup tattoo on the side of her ribs. She got that tattoo either late spring or early summer. Says the pictures are showing up weird in her camera roll due to the phone issues. I immediately buy this because when I lost my phone in October and I was signed in to a loaner phone, it was showing pictures in my camera roll from like 5 years ago. Basically iCloud pictures. So I think nothing of it and we finish the ornament sorting.

A few hours later, I'm at a bar watching a football game. My friends that were maybe going to come bailed and the game was boring, so I'm mostly just sitting and thinking to myself. And then it suddenly dawns on me how a few things don't make sense with this picture. For one, it was near the bottom of the camera roll. And I know she's taken pictures of S2 recently (this past weekend). Why are iCloud pictures showing up at the bottom of the camera roll when you've been taking pictures? I suspect it's a much more recent picture. 2nd, and more importantly, the angle of the picture made no sense for what she was allegedly trying to share with her friend. That tattoo is on the side of her ribs, between the armpit and hip. The picture I saw, from what I recall from the brief view of it, was more of a straight on photo of the chest and abdomen. It did have the shirt pulled up, so it wasn't like a full nude. And it may have only been one nipple, like if you pulled up your shirt to show someone something on one side of your body. Face was not in it. But I really don't see what you would have sent that picture to show the tattoo. If it was in the picture, it was barely, and you couldn't have seen the entire back half of it (it's a house plant).

And the other thing that I'm foggy on but suspicious about is it almost seemed too far away to be a selfie, like someone else took it. I could be wrong about that.

I could be wrong with all of these suspicions. Devils advocate, maybe it really is 5-6 months old and showed up weird due to her phone issues. Her phone is truly messed up right now (we tried Airdrop and she didn't show up available even though her settings looked right), and she can only call/text over wifi and Facetime audio/video. Maybe I'm misremembering the perspective and the tattoo is in full view and it's more of a side shot than I initially thought. Again, I saw it for about 2 seconds and it was a small picture, 1 of 20 on the screen.

I have little doubt there is/was someone else. OM, OW whatever. Maybe it's the friend in Denmark. I have not obsessed about this lately, though. But seeing that picture and then realizing I think she was lying about it had me going crazy last night. I had a phone call with my sister and then my best friend to get their opinions. My sister 100% thought it was not a tattoo sharing picture. My friend was more like 90%. I told both of them I want to ask W about it next time I see her in person. My sister was supportive, my friend was more like "what good would that do, and how would it make you feel?" I said I would like to know to help me gain closure. In the end he was supportive.

What are the thoughts here? Based on my description, which I tried to be as fair and accurate with as possible, how does it sound to you? And what are the thoughts on bringing up the subject to W? I would only do it in person as she'd easily be able to delete or doctor the photo if I called/texted. Plus I'd like to read her body language if I brought it up. My sister and friend both asked if her face turned red, and I honestly didn't remember because I had zero suspicions at that time.

I have had *zero* R talk with W since the first week of August. I have been DBing to the best of my abilities. Zero R talk, trying to act happy and carefree when I interact, trying to keep myself looking and smelling good as much as possible, hitting the gym multiple times a week. I have been slacking on my mindfulness activities, so I need to go for a nature walk soon. But if I brought this up, it would be the first interaction of any kind like this since August.

Thanks for any input, I hope everyone is doing well.

As I've thought about this today, I'm currently leaning towards not bringing it up. Either it's just a tattoo picture that I misinterpreted and I look a little crazy or desperate. Or it's what I think it is, but she lies/deflects/makes up excuses, I still come off a little crazy. 0% chance she confesses or shows it to me again to prove anything. I'm already fairly confident there is someone else and it doesn't change anything I'm doing.

Would still like to get input if anyone has any thoughts. My sister and friend have emotional ties to the situation. My sister especially was already mad/disgusted at W before this.

What changes if she’s telling the truth or lying?

I, personally, would not bring it up. She's going to tell you what she thinks you want to hear. I would just let it go for now. There's nothing you can do about it except create an even deeper divide between the two of you.

Keep the focus on you and your children. This is a business deal that is going south and you have been invited on a trip that you didn't want to take. Try to remember, you can't control anything she does, says or her emotions...the only person you can control is yourself and how you react to everything. Who knows, she may have wanted to see what your reaction would be to the photo. Time may very well tell you more. Sit quietly and trust me, the answers will come.

One more thing...this situation w/your spouse is between the two of you. Try not to involve others in the situation because, if, at some point you both opt to try again, it will make it harder for her to return if family and friends know about what is going down between the two of you.

Keep that focus on you and dig deeper for patience.

What job said.

In my case, I know there is a third party involved, and it's all under my hat right now.

She might suspect that I know (she has done a very poor job of hiding it, like not even thinking of the most elementary precautions), but I am not giving her the reaction she might be waiting for.

My focus is on me and my future. Third party or not, that is the same. If this is to come out in the open, it will be in its good time.

I did kind of regret sharing all of these details with my sister and friend, but these are the two people I've confided in in this situation. Of my two sisters, this is the one who is a vault and will support any decision I make. She does believe in marriage maybe even more than me. So as mad as she is at W right now, I'd expect her to fully support any R with W down the road if it ever happened. Same with my best friend. He doesn't even have the anger at W, he's just supporting me. But I do get what you're saying and I'll be mindful sharing anything else like that with them in the future. I'll lean here first.

I'm feeling better about the picture etc already. Ready to let it go. The water still gets rocky for me from time to time, but it evens out much quicker now than it did in the beginning.