Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

Hey Card - All those things are tough and a lot to manage. Those kids are going to need the "best" you possible under the circumstances. It is understandable that you feel frustrated and need to vent, plus mourn. I'm glad you're expressing all of this here. It keeps me thinking about how the only person we can control is ourselves: how we choose to feel, respond to these events, and hopefully create peace for ourselves as best as possible. It stinks how our partner's choices can impact or influence our goals. We're (censored) if we let them in; we risk a lonely path if we seal them out. I hope you have a counselor, friend, or others you can lean on in-person and that the feelings your feeling now pass quickly. You know we'll be here as needed too.

Thank you, MrP. I was definitely using this to vent. I want to scream all of that at W but know it will accomplish nothing except negatives.

I have some good friends that I'm confiding with, I'm going through a grief recovery class (next Thursday is the 8th out of 8 classes), and I have an ongoing schedule with IC. I do think I'll get there, but it's rough right now. The child situation is much more complicated than in my first D where it was just one kid with one mom. But I do remember feeling zero hope that that situation would ever feel good and it did. But knowing there's hoping and feeling hopeful are two very different things.

Hi card
Firstly I am so so sorry you had a bad week. We all have them. You have to ride it out and ride out those emotions. It helps us heal and grow. We all hate our WAS when we are left holding everything while they go off on their merry way to live their merry life. It’s selfish and cruel, and the things they say hurt. But you know what? Karma is also a b1tch and one day the tables will turn. As much as I know you want to ask W what her issues are she won’t tell you. She obviously has issues and is either ashamed or hasn’t figured it out. I can’t remember is there another man?
You need to let the in-laws go, unfortunately you break up with them too. They will always unconditionally support and love their daughter no matter how right or wrong she is.
You can absolutely do it, and juggle being a single dad. And how amazing you
Will be at it. Remember to always know your truth. You stayed, you didn’t run, you wanted to save your marriage. They are your truths and that’s all that matters. I now tell anyone who asks me that “H walked out on me, didn’t want to sort his issues out or whatever issues he had within our marriage and is moving to the other side of the world “ blatant true facts. I don’t badmouth him or anything but I have no shame saying the truth. The amount of jaws I’ve had to collect from the pavement 😂. Firstly that a grown man isn’t prepared to work on issues but moreso the abandonment of the kids. There’s no sugar coating with me. I always made excuses for his behaviour early on and then realised as more crazy he got and time went he didn’t have my back so why should I have his anymore and make his life rosy. You just tell your people your facts and know your truths and everything else will unfold. It will unravel for W, the lies the actions. Remember DnJ always says they wear a mask. Eventually the mask is going to fall off. I just hope for your W sake that her health is ok especially for s2. But she’s not your responsibility now. Let her family handle her
You worry about you. Keep hitting the gym, keep getting around friends. When you have a bad day journal. Write stuff down, vent to a friend on a phone. Punch something
We all have our ways of tackling this.

You mentioned on my posts about tattoos and your dream. Haha go get a tattoo. Get something meaningful, your kids names their dates of birth, something to symbolise your two
Most important things in your life. I have 2 tattoos both meaningful my last one was 12 years ago after I had S I got the kids names on me. Now with this major life event I am getting another one. Something to symbolise I am stronger than I know and think. And that’s the truth. We all sit there early on unsure how we are going to survive how we can get through. Yet we do because we are stronger than we think.( some people aren’t and live a miserable life of negativity). But we can do this. Read some inspiring books. David Goggings “can’t hurt us” is a great read. We all have it in us, we just have to dig deep

I like this! The WAS says the blame is only ours. They say vicious things about us. They beat us down and try to make us feel inferior.

I haven't discussed my situation with coworkers, friends, etc. Eventually it will have to come out. And when that time comes, my blatant true facts will be:

1. I didn't give up on the marriage. In fact, I encouraged repairing it.

2. I didn't file for divorce.

3. I didn't take up with another woman while still living with her. She started with another man.

As you say, "blatant true facts."

I don’t usually delve into deep conversation, only with very few close friends have I done that. But you have to also own your side of the problems too, so my close friends do know more. I’ve admitted my wrongs, however I have also gone at great lengths to repair them and repair the marriage. I don’t start blaming H in conversation about everything he has done or doing wrong, not really helpful airing dirty laundry. But the fact is he left me, he didn’t want to work on our issues or his own personal issues, he is running away to the other side of the world. At the end of the day I hold my head high that I wanted to fight like crazy to save our marriage, that I tried everything I possibly could, that I didn’t run and I am still here for our kids

All marriages and even long term relationships have issues. We are humans not programmed robots. However I am still a strong believer that every marriage is repairable and fixable. Every marriage and partnership has the inner strength to dig deep work through differences and come out of the experience better and stronger than ever. It does require both parties wanting the same thing though, being on the same page.

Yes. Looking back, I don't think my biggest mistake was not spending enough time with her, not recognizing a Valentine's Day, etc., although she cited all that and more as reasons for leaving.

I think the biggest mistake I made was not advocating enough for myself. Not making clear how I was being shortchanged in the marriage. I guess I didn't want to rock the boat or make it seem like I was holding her back.

Believe me, that's one thing that won't happen again.


I agree with your every word.

And yes, hold your head up. As you say, both have to be on the same page. You chose the path of building up; he chose the path of tearing down. That is on him to bear.

She talked since I met her about being married as long as her grandparents (both sets 60+ years). I think she's either in crisis, in denial or both. She still isn't talking to anyone in her family that would question her (which is everyone but her mom).

Not that I know of, although it wouldn't surprise me at all. In fact I'd be surprised if there wasn't. I think that's part of the reason she isn't talking to any of her family (outside of MIL) or our shared friends.

Same here. I covered for her and made excuses when she took multiple trips to Europe this year while I was home with the baby. Said she needed the break. I haven't even pretended to cover for her for leaving. I'm also not slandering, aside from some rants to 1 or 2 close friends. But she's not my responsibility. Her actions speak for themselves.

I need to do a lot more thinking before taking that leap. I've honestly never been tempted to get a tattoo so I probably won't while I'm in the middle of hurting. we'll see though

Quick check in. Life has been busy busy busy. I'm doing well, though. Had a rough week a couple of weeks ago setting up holiday plans. We got all of that situated, and my sister had some advice for me that put everything in a little better perspective. Said they did Christmas morning with their kids on days other than Christmas for several years, and the kids were none the wiser. So if I need to do Christmas with S1 and D11 on a different morning, it will still be just as fun. Of course D11 would know, but I don't think it would bother her, anyway.

Grief recovery class ended last week. The last 4 weeks built up to us writing a letter to the person we've lost. For someone like me whose lost person is alive, you do not share the letter with them. It's only for me, although I read it to the class. Mine was 4 pages long, and had my main regrets, resentments and significant emotional events of my R with W. It has helped me let go of some of those things already, including some I didn't realize were still bothering me for years ago. Still lots of healing to go, but I'm mostly not hurting in the last 2 weeks. I did have a sad dream about W a couple of days ago, but even the bad dreams aren't as bad anymore.

One thing that's different for me this time around is I already have a very strong urge for some female companionship. Not an R, and not even necessarily sex. Just someone to spend an evening with when I'm home alone. In my first D, I didn't have that urge for at least 8 months after BD. But then again, my healing process has been way faster this time around. I discussed that with IC and she agreed with me that it's likely because I knew things were wrong for months ahead of BD, and wasn't surprised when it happened. So I was already mourning.

These feelings are relatively recent, only in the last 3-4 days. I'm hoping they come and go for now as it feels way too soon to try to pursue anything like that. Would love to get back to to enjoying some nights alone like I had been the previous few weeks (on nights I'm not with friends/fam).

Otherwise, no big news. W still hasn't filed for D (that I know of). I can see that lingering for a long time now, honestly. I don't think she's conflicted, I just think she's only doing what she has to do right now, and she doesn't have to file. She isn't going to her home town for Thanksgiving, which just shows how disconnected she is from her family (aside from her mom). It's not my place and I'm not putting any emotional investment into it, but I just know she'd be so much better off if she came clean to her loved ones about *why* she is doing this and whether or not there is OM (or OW...yeah I've also wondered if that's part of what's going on, too). But for the most part, I am not obsessing about W, her motivations, what she's up to, etc.

Winter cold is here and I'm not thrilled. I wish me, the kids and my friends could move to Australia for the next few months! I hope everyone is doing well

Good Morning Card

Your grief recovery class sounds like it was helpful. A nice complement and influence upon your ongoing subconscious processing. It’s a good sign when our bad dreams aren’t that bad anymore.

I’m glad you got your holiday schedule organized. Plenty of families do “Christmas” on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Santa knows where and when those good children are home, and he visits them then.


In the void of indifference, other feelings will loom larger than they truly are. Let yourself get used to indifference, and your feelings will adjust.


I hear you. It’s -16C (0F) this morning. Brrrrrr. Australia would be pretty nice right now.

Stay warm, and have a great day!

D

Nice to get an update Card and well done on juggling all the holiday season.sounds like you are getting better and stronger every day which is so good.thanks for touching base on my post too. I am definitely much further down the detachment road and it certainly doesn’t hurt nowhere near as much as at Bd. I’m sorry your W is going missing but it sounds as if she’s not in a good place anyway if she isn’t around her family. We can only hope whatever affair she has going on ( whether it be man or woman) runs its course and she wakes up. No family is worth giving up on and love is at the heart of every family. So for now , your love is at the heart of your family until she decides if she wants to rejoin.

Okay so now that is COLD. Even in our winter the coldest it’s ever got is 3deg Celsius where we live. Brrr. Although I always dream of a white Christmas one day. A hot Christmas just never feels the same. It’s spring here now and sitting around 20 degrees during the day.so it certainly makes everything happier.
Go get a tattoo Card 😂😂 I know you thought about it. I got mine the other day and keep looking at it on my wrist. It really is giving me the strength at the moment to keep moving forward. Just a suggestion !! Hope you had a great Halloween with the kids