Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Second roller coaster ride (2)

The new everything is for you, not her. If she notices, that is a bonus.

You make good grooming a new habit, or more important, a ritual. Enjoy going through the motions.

Wake up, Lay there and take several deep breaths. Focus on the good feeling of the breathing as you inhale and exhale. Take a nice hot shower. Focus on how good the hot water feels. Focus on how nice your shampoo smells. If you don't like the smell, get rid of it and buy stuff you like. same with the after shave. The clothes you pick up. Look your best. Go out in the world and enjoy interacting with everyone.

I would go to dinner by myself. I would small talk all the staff. Coffee shops, small talk people in line and the staff. Be a good listener. Remember peoples names and their story. Make people laugh. Go do things you love. You will meet people that enjoy the same thing.

Get legal advise. My X tried this BS with the children's books.

There is a line in the legal sand where everything needs to be "negotiated"...not sure if this is when one person has been severed or what....

Until then either one of you can do whatever you want...IE she can take the furniture from the marital home.



I strongly suggest keep all negotiation via email so you have written records.

You are dividing assets. She wants the furniture. Get her to state a $ value. Do this INDIRECTLY.

The furniture goes on her side of the balance sheet, you get the cash value on your side. No need to quibble over things, but make sure the split is fair.

My X got the kitchen aid mixer. I purchased a new one. Two lawyers arguing cost $800/hour.

H:"W, can you see if your parents will just buy you some nicer stuff for S1 bedroom at your place?"

See if she says it was expensive etc.

DnJ, I am working on talking to a L right now. The former paralegal is supposed to be sending me a few recommendations soon. I won't let her take anything right now.

Thank you, Ready. I've been parenting so much the last 1-2 years I almost forget what I like to do. I do have a passion for American college football, and the season is starting. Currently my interest is at like a 1 out of 10, but I'm going to force myself to go to the games with people, to hang out before the games. I might try to join a rec softball or kickball league.



I just had another convo with FIL. W is not talking to him or any of her siblings. That's because they will not validate what she is doing. Pretty much only talking to her mom and people she's loose friends with that I've never met. Not talking to any of our shared friends.

I'm really starting to wonder if there is another man. I have absolutely no idea how she can afford all of the bills she's going to have on her salary. She said she will have no roommate. I know what she makes, how much apartments cost, her car payment, insurance, etc. There's no way she can afford it. I know for a fact that no one in her family is sending her money. Her dad 100% will not, and her mom has no money. But whatever, that's for her to figure out.

The main reason I'm concerned about another guy is if W is planning on having S1 around someone else like that. That is an absolute no-no, right? But I guess I have no proof of an affair, so nothing I can do. I'm not going down the PI road again like I did in D#1.

Hi Ready,

Yes I dont want any lawyer squabbles because it will bankrupt me. I have hardly any liquid assets right now. I am not really trying to fight over stuff, but also want to respect myself. Letting her take all of the other furniture she’s requesting and compromising on S1 furniture seems perfectly reasonable.

W said she was going to call me after S1 is asleep. I said she”ll need to call in the next hour because “I’m meeting some people later”. Didn't mention it’s a grief recovery class haha

I know this probably makes you feel better… but seeking out validation from her family is not a good idea. If that becomes your source of grounding and support and validation, if it eventually disappears, you’ll feel all alone.

And be careful. He might be saying the right things atm because he’s in shock and perhaps he thinks he can change her trajectory… but once he figures out he can’t, then your support will disappear pretty quickly. Blood is ALWAYS thicker than water in the end.

You need to draw a line in the sand with the asset shopping. Just email her:

“If you want to claim assets as yours, please list them in email and put a suggested dollar value against them. Then we can either agree and you can have them, or we refer it to lawyers. We need to make sure this is done properly.”

You’re wondering now if she has another man? I’d bet you $50 she does. I’ve seen it a thousand times.

R2C was right, as always. Who cares if she sees you and smells you with new clothes or cologne for only 30 seconds? That’s not how this works. Are you saying if you know you aren’t going to see her for 24 hours then you won’t wear nice clothes and scents? That’s completely the wrong way to do it. You are doing it for you. To heal you. It helps with attraction not because she sees and smells a new you - but because you get your own confidence back, and she sees a strong, confident, outgoing man.

You need to prioritise your own new friends. Hobbies are the best way to meet new people. Gym would be a good place to start.

Let it go to VM.

There almost always is.
Doesn't really effect what behaviors you need to work on.

IF you knew OM name, you could name drop ONLY to FIL, so at least he would know the truth. W might get angry, but at least you would gain respect.

^^^This^^^



Do not have verbal discussions unless they are parenting related.
Always let her calls go to VM, then you can listen and respond appropriately.
All business related convos should be email, not texts. (My most used text to X was "I sent you an Email")

This is the pattern:
She text saying she will call you.
She calls. You let it go to VM.
You listen to VM.
You process, taking whatever time you need. Ask for guidance here if needed.
If a response is required, you draft an Email.
You wait, then proof read it. Send Email. Text her "I sent you an email."