Do you think she will hear you? Or will she just pull further away?
W’s out of house, looking for an apartment, and is strongly suggesting that she will proceed with a divorce. Time for you to let go big time.
W has lots of anger and justification for what and why she is doing what she is. Anything you do or say counter to her current direction, not matter how real or true it is, will just propel her away faster. She needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship.
Feelings are fleeting, unless reinforced, and that is true for the leaving spouse as well. Our spouses do reinforce their emotional decisions with their new shinny fun lives and running from whatever it is they are running from. When the LBS stops begging, pleading, or even interacting much - you know the focusing on you - their spouse has less reinforcement and feelings of justifications. In time, other feelings can then find purchase and rise to the surface. Feelings like loss, sadness, shame, regret, boredom, that old love, etc. Feelings that are much more helpful to your cause.
Give W time and space. Lots of it. No R talks, no pressure. Don’t get drawn in to any arguments. Don’t take her bait. Let her feel how a divorce feels. Maybe she figures it out, maybe she doesn’t. However, pleading or rationalizing or explaining won’t turn her around. She need to find that, from within.
Focus on you. Become the best version of yourself. A man only a fool would leave.
Hang in there buddy.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks, DnJ. That is how I understand it, too. I'm glad I posted that here and not a text. I know nothing good would come from it except for a temporary high for releasing it on her. That's what you and my friends are for right now.
I'm going to talk to a friend's W tonight who was a paralegal for years in divorce law, for advice and a lay of the land.
I finally responded to W's texts. I just said "I'll get back to you later"
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I really just want to tell her one time how hurtful and BS this is
If you want to make her angry and want to 100% ensure your marriage fails, go for it.
I’d like you to search the internet and see if you can find ONE time when a marriage was saved because a LBS told their ex that be they’re being hurtful.
It never, ever happens.
Crumbling in front of her under your emotions, or begging or pleading or threatening are a great way to get your divorce finalised ASAP.
You need to employ the 24 hour rule. Any text or email from her, and you sit on it for minimum 24 hours before replying. It means the initial wave of emotions has passed and you respond logically.
I really just want to tell her one time how hurtful and BS this is
If you want to make her angry and want to 100% ensure your marriage fails, go for it.
I’d like you to search the internet and see if you can find ONE time when a marriage was saved because a LBS told their ex that be they’re being hurtful.
It never, ever happens.
Crumbling in front of her under your emotions, or begging or pleading or threatening are a great way to get your divorce finalised ASAP.
You need to employ the 24 hour rule. Any text or email from her, and you sit on it for minimum 24 hours before replying. It means the initial wave of emotions has passed and you respond logically.
I need the 2x4s. I know responding emotionally has no productive purpose. If I feel the need, I’ll unload to a friend or this board. Thank you for your support, Kind. I took S1 to my mom’s for the night. I’m going to hangout with my best friend
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
HUGS card, huge hugs! You’re doing so well. Post here instead of texting back. You need to ensure with the legal stuff you come at it as a business deal and take all emotion out of it( I know how hard it is) but for now you need to ensure you look after your needs first and foremost as well as S. Dont give in to get every demand because of your emotions and trying to appease her to win her back. I thank my lucky stars no lawyer stuff was done on my end early on I was a complete mess and would have gone along with everything. Now I can look at the broad picture and have my “business hat” on
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
I had a great night with my friend and his parents. Perfect weather, we ate on their patio. Mint/lemon iced tea. Chicken stirfry, rice, apple sauce, and a brownie with ice cream. I ate all of it
I had a phone call with a coworker’s wife who was a paralegal. She told me what the next steps will look like and highly recommended my own counsel. She says I can wait to see what she’s asking for in the D filing.
W finally told her family. As I predicted, her dad called me immediately. He’s beside himself. I tried to keep the convo business like and factual. He was asking a million questions. I answered too many, but deflected a lot. W lied to him about some things, I guess to soften the blow. He asked me “is it mutual?” I said no. She had told him it was mutual. I know she’s been terrified to tell him because he has a tendency to fly off the handle, and she always fears him getting mad or critical. Probably spilled into our R. But why did she think she would get away with those lies? No logic going on with her right now
He asked where S1 has been. I said with me so far, W apparently told her dad we’ve been switching off. *shrug*
It’s going to be a rough ride for her with some of her fam for a while. I removed myself from the family chat. I love them but I’m going to keep my distance for now. If they call, I’ll answer, but I will be careful
Anyway, I had a wonderful night. I’m letting S1 sleep at my mom’s as I left him there before dinner. I feel great right now, i just finished a nice walk with the dog, we’re chilling in bed. Listening to my favorite local sports podcast because they’re funny and cheerful. Just enjoying myself in this moment before the morning nausea hits haha
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
