Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers A little less lost? Pt 3

Hi MA I always love hearing from you and especially because you are a few steps ahead of me on this journey. I wish I lived closer to give you a hug (Australia here).
You are very right I am certainly wasting alot of mental energy thinking and overthinking his actions and what’s happened and your are so right it’s drained me. Today I decided to re direct my mind every time I went to think or analyse something I kept telling myself “ not worth the energy”. Especially knowing he too is not wasting the same effort or energy like I am. It certainly is very one sides the effort and has been for months and I can see that now. I am def grieving the old H the old relationship.

I am not sure what DnJ timeline was but would love to hear it

I think I am actually better than I am even during my emotional times. I too am like you and don’t want this version of h back and I think he would know that. My H would need a massive overhaul too in order to repair the damage, sort himself out and regain any ounce of trust from me again due to all the passive aggressive comments and disrespect I have received. I am nobody’s doormat.
I thought to myself I am only 41, do I really want to waste potentially the next few years running myself into the ground “waiting “ for H to get himself sorted out. Then once that does happen ( potentially like you said a good 12-18 months of IC which he’s refused) it would take me a long time to re-trust him and rebuild a new relarionship( that old one died at BD). That’s a very long and exhausting process and I will forever live with the fear of this happening again when he has his later midlife crisis 10 years down the track because he hasn’t gotten to the root of his issues.

Or do I now dust myself off, pick myself up, make myself whole again and move ahead with the kids, rebuild our lives, live not under the cloud of someone who is full of his own issues and guilt, and give my kids the best years of their lives Doing what I want when I want without an anchor weighing me down.

Right now option 2 looks great ( despite the wounded heart)

Time will certainly be my friend and one day at a time. I’m sorry for my see saw emotions. I know it’s a process. Got another Ic session in a week, I am trying to do 3 positive things a day for me and the kids ❤️

Pattnee, sounds like another day has passed and you have survived those emotions. This journey is the hardest I've ever travelled and continues to throw curveballs. You're doing all the right things and noticing when you get sucked back in to unhelpful thinking styles. It's hard when this happens but does get quicker to detach. I reached out on here for my latest event & Kind replied saying he would wager that I would feel different in 24 hours. He was spot on! Remember this Pattnee, the emotions do pass and are a sign that you are grieving an important relationship that brought you your beautiful family. Try to also let go of the thoughts about H not doing his fair share. You can't rely on him at all at the minute. Mine has seen the kids once in the last month! D challenged him via text on this & he apologised saying when he sees her it just brings all the guilt up. Know that H isn't living his best life, he's escaping & avoiding his own feelings. He needs to work through that to be worthy of trying again.

The timeframe I referred to for DnJ was the one in his post to you around 12 months of dating where his ex demonstrated no contact with any OM. I would also add an extra time at the beginning of before considering dating for me & H. I really don't want to step into his crisis world & his limerant feelings for OW are / have been so strong, I figure it's going to take some time to get over them.

I also wish this community were closer to meet & get to see the people who have been so transformational in our journies. You're going to be better than fine Pattnee. Keep doing what you're doing now, notice the blips, observe your ups and downs and analyse your response rather than analysing H's behaviour. It's much more fruitful.

Not convinced it's MLC in my W's case, but I certainly relate to you here! Could change all your "he" in these statements to "she" and there's my W in a nutshell.

Could I work for years to reconstruct my marriage if I had to? I know I could. I am the poster boy for only wanting things that take forever to accomplish. But I also know life is short and all things being equal, my time on on this rock will be over in less than the blink of an eye. And you're right about pride being a big thing. None of us likes to admit we're wrong, but our spouses must be relationship gurus because there's no way they could ever be mistaken about us or our marriages.

I love this advice from MA, and I am taking it on board as well.

I won't close the door on a future R with my W, but I won't stand around waiting for her to walk through that door. Everything I've gone through has taught me that there are things I will and will not accept in an R in the future. I have come to realize that there are things I wanted from our M that I wasn't getting, but I put them on the back burner because I wanted to support my W's ambitions and happiness. If we patched things up, she would air her grievances and want them addressed. Guess what; I would do the same.

I think my W would be a bit surprised if she knew everything about the work I am doing to build a better future for myself, and how far my plans have already gone in that regard.

I think we are all amazing people. We are all catches for someone. I lived with a father who was not a positive person. He viewed everyone through the lens of the worst thing they had done. I see things differently. People can be far more than the sum of their mistakes and shortcomings.

You are so right Sun, and one day our spouses will wake up and realise it ( whether they tell us or not). I too now think how negative my H has become in his life the last 18 months. Almost like the world owes him and rather than getting up and fixing stuff to make his own happiness he sits back and blames everyone else for his unhappiness. I have always been a positive person and very determined in my life, he has turned the opposite. H has turned into a giant negative blob obvious chasing his happiness not realising happiness isn’t a feeling but an action and requires work. Good luck he is lazy and procrastinates so he may take a while to find his

Sun I am not sure if there is any definitive MLC signs I am basing mine on what H has become which is the polar opposite of who he has been for the last 20 years. He’s detached, apathetic, almost has no life in his eyes or face, robotic and just does things like he ticks boxes because he has to. Complains about things in his life but won’t do anything about it, wants to throw his whole world away without any massively valid reasons ( he brought up an affair I had 9 years ago which he has never brought up since we got through it all but now has re dredged that trauma) refuses to get help, has spent 8 months since BD basically living his same life just away from home, alcohol has increased, mood swings, anger (bad anger) and just generally saying the most hurtful passive aggressive comments to me when he never would have disrespected me like that, super selfish only caring and doing stuff for himself without a care who he hurts around him, refusing any sort of therapy or help and says he’s not the problem. He’s really let himself go, lives in sweatpants( used to always be well be groomed) stopped brushing his teeth here and there, had been told by D he smells, runs hot and cold and don’t know what version I’ll get. Sometimes he seems like he is turning the corner then quickly retreats again back into the hole. The thing that sums it up for me is an alien abducted him. I am not sure if your W is or a similar but it is very known fact the U shaped happiness curve around the mid life. He’s almost 49 and keeps saying he’s old and not as rich as everyone else. Refuses to go to dr for any medical issues even just to see if his hormones are out of whack. Anyway whatever he is all I can say he is a completely different version. He has become his father basically ( and he always told me he never wants to become his dad)


In as far as me I have had a good few days. Was driving D14 home from sport last night and had an amazing chat in the car. She wanted to talk and opened the conversation about her dad. She said she wished she could tell him to get help and why is he so resistant to therapy. ( I was so proactive when this all blew up and got both kids into councelling for a bit just to normalise feelings and talking) she absolutely loves her psych and had a great experience. She was saying the most mature stuff in the car last night it’s almost like she has read DR. “ mum he’s almost a 50 year old man we can’t make him do anything he needs to take responsibility for his own life and live with it”
I was so proud of her thinking she also told me she wants me to be happy and hated the way H used to speak to me when he’s been drinking and said it’s nicer not having him around sitting on the computer and drinking. She also said if we need to sell our house she doesn’t mind she just loves me and knows we will all be happy and we only have one life to live to the fullest. Kids really do know how to pull on our heart strings. It also helped me knowing I can let go of the bricks and mortar.

I have been doing a lot of thinking while H away and realise that it’s best to just sell the house and split everything and go our seperate ways. It will be a clean solid cut for me and there won’t be that hanging on that I would have if I kept the house. Plus I feel he would try and control things a bit more knowing he’s paying for the house and the coming and going. I need to just rip the Band-Aid off and start again with the sole focus on my and my kids future. As sad as it is we build our house as a partnership and H has walked out on that partnership so it’s time to let go.

I don’t know if this is me letting go of that rope or not. I feel like I can’t keep waiting and hoping anymore for someone who has shown zero interest in fixing himself up. I could be waiting years and years by the time he goes through therapy and we try and rebuild everything. I just can’t see him capable of doing it and even so I think my trust would be shattered for a long time. I still love him so deeply and wished he would come out of his darn tunnel but I have drained myself for 8 months trying to hang on to dear life. I want to be like MA and find myself and do my own thing again without worrying about H

Can I just ask from the experts too am I going too far pushing the full split of assets/house? There isn’t a real logical way we can keep it financially or buy eachother out etc. H wouldn’t have enough money to keep it and rent elsewhere for himself and it would put a lot of strain on me too depending on the division of payments of everything. Selling everything will free up a lot of financial pressures but it’s literally starting again just le and the kids. I know it’s just bricks and mortar and I am not attached but I think once the family home is gone it’s done for good.(which i know it is based on what he says) I am also a bit worried if he did, he would feel he still owned it and come and go as he pleased and use it against me. I kind of feel like it would be me finally being free of him( the choice he made to leave and he’s made his bed and now needs to sleep in it). I know it sounds quite harsh but everyone is saying rip the Band-Aid off make a clean financial cut and start again. It’s not really being the lighthouse though as it’s more like closing that door.
Thoughts?

I should just add a side note lawyer advised to just rip the Band-Aid off and make a clean cut to avoid being in limbo for years and to be able to rebuild my life( family are on the same page)

Hello Patt

Some thoughts for you:


Yes, do not waste years of your life “waiting”. Focusing on you and the kids; Living and loving your life; Standing - these are not wasteful waiting around, they are investing into you and your life.

I liked option 2 as well. Definitely pick yourself up, dust off, rebuild your life, become healed and whole, and let go the anchor. And a divorce or separation is not required to do any of that.



I understand how draining it is hanging on for dear life. Let go. Drop the rope, or continue to be dragged.

Letting go allows you to embrace what really matters. Time, possibilities, hope, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, acceptance.

I speak from a bit further down the road. There was a time when I hung on, and hoped, and defined the outcome of the situation, all based upon my wife and her actions. In what will likely feel most counterintuitive, only in letting go you start to actually have.

It’s truly amazing. Life. Happiness. Love. Forgiveness. All such fleeting things at first. Like trying to grab dandelion seeds while running and waving your arms around. It doesn’t work. There is much truth in: If you love something, set it free.

Letting go of my (initial) hope, my W, the outcome, and my need for an outcome, was difficult. Ego is quite a force to figure out. Anyhow, in letting go indifference swelled within and I felt done with it. Of course, that is only a temporary thing, as indifference does unwind. I discovered in letting go of W, I embraced the outcome of my situation, not the situation. And my outcome was based upon me and my behaviours, not W/XW and her behaviours.

As well - Hope is born anew!

Yes, hope waivers. Faith waivers. For a while. Then, if you’re open to it, something miraculous occurs. Faith, hope, love, all become more an unconditional part of you. For me, those are not tied to any particular outcome or need of outcome, they just are.

Answers do present themselves when we are calm and at peace. Let go, and let those precious tenets land upon your open hand and heart. Like the fluffy seeds of the dandelion you cannot grab them, you more allow and encourage them to you. Encourage them to grow within you.

Another thing I purposefully did and urge folks to consider - keep your heart soft and squishy. It is far too easy to harden our hearts against the pains we are enduring, and the behaviours of our spouse. Do not let your heart calcify. Feel those pains, and loves. For the seeds will only grow in a soft heart.



My friends and family cared very much for me. They all wanted and wished for a speedy path through my pain. That’s where the well intentioned rip the band-aid off advice comes from.

My XW pushed our separation through in 60 days after BD. Being separated/divorced, having a custody agreement (my case sole custody), having assets split (my case I got the house, cars, my full pension, possessions, etc.; XW took a laundry basket, some of her clothes, and her favourite coffee mug) does not fix a broken heart.

Divorce is the business side of this stuff. Divorce is just splitting up money and kids. Having a signed piece of paper will not keep you from limbo. Rebuilding one’s life comes from the emotional/healing path.

A few weeks after the shock of BD wore off, I told my caring family and friends I was standing for my marriage (which eventually evolved into standing for me) and though they may not understand my reasons, and honestly at times even I may not, I asked them to support me on this path when/if I waiver.

Regarding specifically the business side of the house and finances. If you need financial protection or security, get it. Use cold logic (sans emotions) when calculating this. Ensure it’s needed, there is no other solution or resolution to explore first. (You and the kids have to live some where, if it is possible you might want to stay where you are.)

Financially cleaving between you and H will not heal you, nor will it end the emotions. Also, splitting assets does not prevent a future reconciliation either. The two paths - business; emotional/healing - really are separate.

You can be a lighthouse with financial security.

I’m divorced, and believe I shine rather well.

D

Housing prices are ridiculous in Australia atm and potentially about to crash now the interest rates are really high. Lots of people about to fall out of their fixed period and onto variable rate, which means a lot of people will default and the market will be flooded with properties.

I’d say if you’re going to sell, do it sooner rather than later. Leave it 6-12 months and you might find prices have dropped 10-20%.

Rip the Band-Aid off!

Thanks DnJ lots of good food for thought there for me. So many wise things to think and consider. The biggest thing is if I love someone set it free and that is so true I loved H and he needs to go and walk his path alone as he has chosen. He has a lot of his own issues and traumas they need to be sorted and I wasn’t invited.

Kind that’s so right with the market. We are lucky we are in a very good suburb of a capital city and have good equity. However the logistics of keeping it and H affording a rental for himself etc it just an overstretch. We had this house as a team for our family. He has broken that team and that family hence why this seems like
The logical step

I agree with the clean slate principle.

If there’s complicated arrangements like you keep the house and buy him out over time, then there can be arguments 10 years later when you sell if the value has gone up.

A sale, asset division and clean slate mean there’s no coming back for more in dribs and drabs. Also, if you decide to keep the house/he rents and then he goes and gambles or drinks his money away, you don’t get left out to dry.

A hefty lump sum each also generally takes spousal maintenance out of the equation so there’s no ongoing connection financially except for child support.

I’m glad you’ve decided to get busy living your new life. Lots of people fear that, because they feel like they’re snuffing any last chance. But you’re not! The reality is that if you divorce, divide assets, sign final finance and children’s orders and then five years from now he realises he was an absolute fool - there’s nothing stopping a long term reconciliation if he owns his mistakes and demonstrates total commitment.

There’s just no point stalling/delaying/leaving things open on that small chance. In fact, my personal opinion is that sudden cutting of the cord is much more likely to end in eventual reconciliation than a slow burn, drawn out divorce.

Chances are very unlikely he wakes up, and if he does, you’ll probably have rebuilt your self worth by then and you’ll be disgusted at the thought!

I think it’s a fundamental DB principle. You have to keep living your life and moving forward even though it’s hard to imagine life without them. The earth doesn’t stop spinning. Your biological clock doesn’t pause while you wait 5-10 years. Time never stops, and it’s better to keep living your life.