W just said she wants to tell our son tomorrow. This pisses me off to no end, as it's 4th of July weekend, his birthday next Thursday, and surgery the following week. Just another example of how insensitive and selfish she really is. I told her this is like the worst time to tell him, but she said "maybe, but we need to get this done asap." Then she went on to say stuff like how it probably won't bother him at all, how we couldn't possibly wait till after his surgery cause we need to get the house on the market, and how we both need to be 'united and upbeat' about talking to him. lol.
I already know her 'plan'. She's going to make it seem like this is a mutual decision that not only her and I, but all are friends and family are happy about. She better pray he doesn't start asking questions to me like 'daddy, why don't you want to be with me all the time?', 'dad, why do you want to leave mom and break up our family?'.
One of the harder things in this process to do.
If I were in your shoes, I would say this to her: "I believe you should wait until after S12's surgery to tell him you are done being married."
Then all the emotional validation: "I am sure waiting is frustrating" or "You look like you are getting angry." etc
If she wants to argue or debate: "I have made my wishes clear."
The less talking you do the better.
I would make it clear that she is to do most of the talking. You should also ask her what she will say.
Typically it doesn't go exactly as planned.
Get some statements clarified in your head that you may need to say to S12 when he asks questions. I statements like : "I want mom to be happy" etc.
That's gold Jerry!
I can see her point in one small way though. It may take him a week or two to recover from surgery, so that would push things almost into August (having a realtor come in, preparing the house, getting boxes, etc). Like I said before, she's hellbent on not only having this done in record time, but having it all wrapped up before school starts in September. lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
W just said she wants to tell our son tomorrow. This pisses me off to no end, as it's 4th of July weekend, his birthday next Thursday, and surgery the following week. Just another example of how insensitive and selfish she really is. I told her this is like the worst time to tell him, but she said "maybe, but we need to get this done asap."
I understand how the timing of her wanting to inform son is upsetting to you. You cannot control when or what W would blurt out to son or others. You can only control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Being livid is understandable to such a trigger from W. And it is fleeting, unless you reinforce it. You can control your thoughts/reactions regarding her insensitivity, and in such influence your emotional state. When/if W has this conversation, would son be better served by Dad being PO’d or calm? And which state would serve you better?
I do get it when one’s spouse is hellbent on their plan. Anyone who stands in their way will get mowed down. That is a likely scenario for son and his feelings. You, his Dad, will be his rock in all this. Be open and honest, and of course age appropriate with him.
Do not demonize his Mom. Realize, son knows he is half of her, half of his genes come from her. He will already question his own character because of the genes he carries. Any attacks on his Mom will be felt and internalized by him. (My kids saw their Mom and her behaviour, and had plenty of questions.) Ensure you encourage and reinforce that choice and decisions are not genetic, he controls himself. His fate is up to him.
Yes, that’s a lot of life lessons for such a young lad. And those lessons will not occur during the conversation, rather over the next weeks, months, and years. The bond and relationship you and he will foster through such will become stronger than ever. Though, he will lash out to you as well, since you are the strong stable parent in his life.
You do have a pre-warning, a heads up from W. You cannot control or know what she will say. You do control you and what you will say. So, what do you want to impart? Not specifically, more a general idea as the conversation evolves.
I’d suggest remaining factual, and not blaming W. And most importantly letting son know this is not about him in any way shape or form. Kids are egocentric and will take on the blame of stuff, even when they aren’t at fault. Working through that particular, and normal, response of son will require some open discussions at his pace over time.
Like before, let W do the heavy lifting, you more respond without necessarily helping nor blocking. At times that path feels like a razors edge. However, it turns out that path is quite solid and firm, and much wider than one first sees.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Welp, it's done. I finally, after 20 years of her bullsh!t, laid into her like never before.
Son was taking a nap when she got home from work. She didn't say a word to me. After an hour, she went in and woke him up. When he was in the bathroom she said 'so do you want to talk to him now?" I said 'i think this is a bad time for it.' She asked why. lol. After I told her that he has significant stuff going on the next week (not including his surgery the following week), she said 'his birthday isn't even till next thursday, he'll be over it by then'. Wow.
So, she thankfully did all of the talking, and basically told him how WE came to this decision, how WE don't want to be married anymore, etc. I was fuming, but didn't say a word.
Son started crying and kept asking 'why'? He hugged W for about 2 minutes, then came and hugged me for a few minutes. I glanced at W, and if looks could kill I'd be in jail right now. But overall, I think he took it better than expected. He's been kind of walking around in a stupor, but we played video games for a bit.
Anyway, he was in his room and W said to me 'see, that wasn't bad'. I lost it. Can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of 'I hope your subjective sense of happiness is worth what you just done you insensitive, selfish ****'. She said 'we're all going to be happier. YOu'll thank me for this one day. You have no idea how hard this was for me to tell him. etc etc'. I then told her that she's crazier than her bipolar schizophrenic sister. I know, I know. Like I said, I just lost it.
I haven't cried in years, and hugging my son was the hardest 2 minutes of my life. I don't care if someday W hits the Powerball, comes groveling back to me, and promises sex 4 times a week. I'll NEVER forgive her for that 15 minutes. Never.
At least it's done, and it's onto full 100% moving forward.
Last edited by DnJ; 07/01/2302:43 AM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Toughest part is behind you and yes it is rarely as bad as you envision. Your W is right you will all be happier and likely someday you will thank her. It just takes time. For some it’s one year for some it’s ten. Just know that eventually it will happen. Do not stand still, keep moving forward.
After sleeping on it, I do feel bad now for how I flipped out. As bad as this has been, I know (or at least assume) that she's struggling too. I think I'll apologize when she wakes up (in 4 or 5 hours).
I just can't, for the life of me, understand why it was imperative to have this talk last night. Like I said, we have a big annual party to go to today (my parents and brother will be there). Tuesday is the 4th, which son loves. Thursday is his birthday. Friday we're going to an amusement park for a wrestling tournament. Saturday he wants friends over for a birthday party. And 13 days from now he's having surgery. Like, why couldn't this wait a few weeks? We could still have a realtor come in when he's not home.
Then I think back to when she BD'd me 5 years ago, 4 days before my birthday, and 9 days before our 10 year anniversary. Maybe I'm just more sentimental and sensitive to these things more than she is.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I think I'll apologize when she wakes up (in 4 or 5 hours).
She may have some pent up stuff to say as well. She might even flip out too. Remain calm, do not add more fuel to the fire.
W has made a clear declaration of intent. Until she burns through her present feelings, she will not experience regret and remorse of the loss; feelings which would be more helpful to your cause.
LRT. Let go T. Become the gray rock. Focus on you and son.
Are you wanting to apologize to make her feel better, or you feel better? Was anything you said untrue? In my opinion, the message was true, it’s the delivery method and the colourful descriptions of her and her sister that could have been better, or avoided.
Trying to backpedal last night will likely bring about more feelings of resentment in W. Perhaps, no verbal apology, just move forward. Calmly and detached. If you do apology, be specific as to what you regret.
Hang in there T.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I think I'll apologize when she wakes up (in 4 or 5 hours).
She may have some pent up stuff to say as well. She might even flip out too. Remain calm, do not add more fuel to the fire.
W has made a clear declaration of intent. Until she burns through her present feelings, she will not experience regret and remorse of the loss; feelings which would be more helpful to your cause.
LRT. Let go T. Become the gray rock. Focus on you and son.
Are you wanting to apologize to make her feel better, or you feel better? Was anything you said untrue? In my opinion, the message was true, it’s the delivery method and the colourful descriptions of her and her sister that could have been better, or avoided.
Trying to backpedal last night will likely bring about more feelings of resentment in W. Perhaps, no verbal apology, just move forward. Calmly and detached. If you do apology, be specific as to what you regret.
Hang in there T.
D
Thanks. I did say:
T: 'I'm sorry for some of the things I said last night.' W: 'Look, I know you're struggling with this when it comes to S. I am too.' T: 'I just feel that while no time is great to tell him, aside from like Xmas eve, this is the worst time'. W: 'You may be right. But people, like my L, have been telling me our house needs to be on the market asap. I don't want this dragging into the school year. But we can slow things down if you want'. T: 'I'd have to think about that.'
We're all planning on going to a party this afternoon. Should be interesting.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Most of the men who arrive at this site are repressed. They’ve been beaten into submission my a bullying wife who has threatened to leave them, and they’re desperately trying to nice them into staying.
Your wife is being a complete bully. Refusing to listen to your concerns about timing with telling your son, forging ahead to force the sale of the house.
Why would you apologise to this person? All you’re doing is reinforcing to her that when acts in a shi**y way that upsets you, you’ll eventually roll over and apologise to her. You’ve actually reinforced her bad behaviour by apologising for some home truths. Would you give your dog some treats if they pee on the carpet?
You need to stop living in fear and start being a strong man. Not rude or aggressive or unreasonable, just honest and reasonable and tough in your convictions.
And I have no idea why you’d want to go somewhere with her today. She’s the last person on the earth I’d want to spend any time with.
You’ve walked on eggshells far too long, and where has it got you? MWD says if what you’ve been trying for ages hasn’t worked, do the opposite.
