Continuing to move forward focusing on priorities. Living reality of life as a single man functionally. Not looking for another relationship nowhere near that but want to DB well and grow so that I will eventually be ready for a good relationship whether that’s with W or another woman.
Acceptance is sinking in not without sadness and anger but I am dealing with it.
Really been enjoying my garden. Enjoyed a community event with kids today. Will be working on house this week and expect to start back at work next month.
Anger surfacing. I am considering that I may be at a place of hiring a lawyer to protect myself, fairness and our family from the free radical type effects of W’s choices and behaviours.
W has gone out of country for a month. She hasn’t told me any details (and I didn’t ask). She did say that she hasn’t told eldest D (said that D would not understand W spending money on herself instead of going to visit D) or S (not on speaking terms with S) about the trip but she has told our 2 youngest.
So a month break. Time being a gift I plan to use it well. Be the lighthouse for my kids. Enjoy myself. Get things done.
A lot of texts and emails from W before she left. Not much at all required a response so none given. Most of it was directive of how she thought I should be more thrifty with spending money and such.
Lots of feelings surfacing for me, some tears and anger and grieving loss.
Will continue to GAL, therapy, follow through on goals and discern my way forward. Answers will emerge.
Minding my own business looking after my side of the fence.
If I may, change fence to street. Our word choices can subconsciously build barriers, as in a fence/wall. A street still identified the separate paths of you and W, without a barrier, and can still clearly denote when one crosses over it (and gets back on their own track ).
Originally Posted by Rockon
W has gone out of country for a month. She hasn’t told me any details (and I didn’t ask). She did say that she hasn’t told eldest D (said that D would not understand W spending money on herself instead of going to visit D) or S (not on speaking terms with S) about the trip but she has told our 2 youngest.
I’m glad you have stepped back from the relationship between kids and Mom. This is a different time to keep doing so.
If you four are anything like my four they talk, well text mostly, among themselves quite a bit. Your two youngest will most certainly mention Mom being gone for a month on vacation. Stay out of this! Whatever, if any, resentment a kid or kids have regarding Mom’s spending/investing of time and/or money, you don’t need transferred on to you.
Originally Posted by Rockon
So a month break.
Yes. Use these four weeks well.
I’d not answer any texts or calls from W during this time (if she even does try to remain in contact). You control you. Let her go, for the entire month. Focus on you, the kids, the yard, baseball, dancing, bbqs, friends, etc.
Originally Posted by Rockon
A lot of texts and emails from W before she left. Not much at all required a response so none given. Most of it was directive of how she thought I should be more thrifty with spending money and such.
After her living away for a year I think she has lost the right to tell you, direct you, how thrifty you need to be. Ensure you pay your share of joint expenses, and the rest is your’s to do with as you choose. And yes, giving no response was perfect.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am considering that I may be at a place of hiring a lawyer to protect myself, fairness and our family from the free radical type effects of W’s choices and behaviours.
You should definitely have some legal input and know your rights and such. You need not yet act upon any of that information, however you should know it.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Will continue to GAL, therapy, follow through on goals and discern my way forward. Answers will emerge.
Yep. As one continues things become calmer and their emotions more settled. The real big answers do present themselves when one is calm and at peace. And one usually doesn’t even know there even was a question.
Have a great day Rock.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I have been having some conversations with my financial planner getting my portfolio updated and tidied up and gaining more understanding. I also will talk to L about some questions.
DnJ you said:
“ After her living away for a year I think she has lost the right to tell you, direct you, how thrifty you need to be. Ensure you pay your share of joint expenses, and the rest is your’s to do with as you choose. And yes, giving no response was perfect”
As we have talked about on these boards, for a period of time our financial arrangement had been working reasonably and I did not see a reason to change it. That time may have arrived for the reason that I need more autonomy and privacy from W’s input and interference.
I am considering stating that I will contribute 50% to our shared mortgage and house insurance costs and I will look after my own personal and household expenses. Considering. I don’t know of that’s the right way to go.
Therapist recommended that once W returns from overseas, I tell her, “I will need to make some decisions for me and our family. What are you willing to do? Will you work on the M? I am interested to hear your plans?”
Does this sound like an ultimatum? I don’t want to force or accelerate an outcome I don’t want. I do want to move forward in healthy ways for myself and our family. And I want to be true to what’s important here regardless of outcome. In reality the bad has already happened. We do not have a M relationship whatsoever. The old one is done.
I think I can answer my question. I already know the answer. She has shown only the opposite. She has shown she is not interested in the M and is running as fast an and hard as she can in the opposite direction. So I don’t need to talk or ask or engage and no R talks. Engage and I lose. It’s like swimming up stream
I am choosing not to bring up W or her trip with our kids. They haven’t been bringing it up. Youngest S has mentioned her casually in conversation here or there about things in our history (camping or dinners or something) and it has been simply conversation that I have with him with the focus on him. I listen and support and I’m honest and available to my kids. Continuing to GAL and get things done.
As we have talked about on these boards, for a period of time our financial arrangement had been working reasonably and I did not see a reason to change it. That time may have arrived for the reason that I need more autonomy and privacy from W’s input and interference.
As you answered, no real need to discuss with W.
If you want more financial autonomy, then get it.
And of course, it is good practice to reflect and ensure, before implementing a new major change. (You mentioned this as well. )
Has W been upholding her share/obligations? If so, what would be gained by formalizing it? Realize, your gain is not from the financial side. It’s autonomy and privacy, which sounds quite reasonable.
Are these financial changes things you would continue if you and W were to reconnect? If yes, then it is a good indicator that you are doing this for you, and not some attempt to get a reaction from W. (By the way, if my XW and I ever patched things up and got back together, I’d keep my finances separate for a good long while. A very long while.)
I’d not give W an ultimatum regarding this. (I spoke a bit of ultimatums on Peter’s thread.) You’d more just inform W of what you are doing going forward regarding the joint monies and bills.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
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