Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I'm Back! (3)

If she splits the cookie, you get to pick. That is fair.

Parent A gets these dates
Parent B gets these dates.

365 days/2 = 182

"It's yours to loose" is what my lawyer said to me. Take those words and use them however you want.

There are only so many days (mostly evenings)we get with our kids. I suggest not settling for anything less than 182. my 2 cents.

Look into first right of refusal as well.

My X and I had completely different parenting styles, which is OK. I expected my kids to do their homework. My X expected me to do the kids homework.


On a different note: Read parenting with love and logic if you get a chance.

Airshow is in town this weekend. One of my favorite days of the year! My parents live right next to the airport, so son and I spent a few hours at their place. When we got home W wasn't there so son texted her. She was at a mutual friends house, and son wanted to go there so I drove him over. Our mutual friend said W texted her earlier saying she had nothing to do and was all by herself for the day. lol. Well God bless her little heart! No problems with destroying a marriage, husband, child, family, friends, etc, but having to spend 3 hours alone in the afternoon is too much to bear...

Pretty good weekend. Smoked some ribs Saturday morning, then took son to my parents for the air show. W was over mutual friends swimming, so I dropped son off there after to swim. Apparently my best friend talked to W a bit after I left. He's a very strong pro-marriage person. He told me yesterday that I should keep fighting for the M, and seemed to think W may be having some doubts.
Who knows.

Yesterday took son fishing in the morning then watched the air show again. W went to her parents.

W got me a few things for Father's Day, which was nice.

W just handed me the custody agreement and wants to tell our son asap. I asked her if her lawyer skipped 2nd grade, cause this isn't 50/50. She said she just wants an extra day during the school year for homework and stuff, and she wouldn't even think of filing for child support. Yeah right. She said she's fine with redoing it though.

It got ugly for a little bit. Sorry, but there's only so much someone can take. I said somethign like, 'I hate the thoughts of telling our son. Actually I hate all of this and think it's stupid.' She said 'how come whenever we talk it seems like I have to convince you that this is actually happening?' She also said crap like she's been thinking about this, basically since the day we got married, she's never been happy, she never will be happy with me, etc, etc. She said 'I know you aren't happy either, so why would you want to be with me?' I snapped and said 'you honestly think I still want to be with you, after all the [censored] you've put me through the past 20 years? Get the F over yourself'. In November I had to have back surgery. When the surgeon scheduled it, I came home and told her he's sending me for surgery. The first words out of her mouth were 'great. How much is this going to f'n cost us?' But she again said I've been 'mean' to her throughout our entire marriage. lol

Still, I guess I should consider myself lucky. She just wants out, and doesn't seem to want to screw me over.

I am glad you took your balls out of her purse.

Her words might not say this, but her actions do. You are getting screwed over on your parenting time. Call her on her BS. Can you help with homework?Take her plan, cross out mother and write father. Do the same with mother, write father. Send it back and says this looks much more fair to me. See if that stirs some anger in her. Do not argue with her. Remain calm. Control yourself. Differentiate yourself as a man who can do that. If she goes crazy, record it.


As always get legal advise.




Be prepared for "restraining orders." That is in their play book. Pray for the best, plan for the worse.

Thanks. I'm definitely thinking there's someone else in the picture now. She's hellbent on getting this done, and as quickly as possible. Maybe that's why she's willing to not fight me on a lot of things. She wants this done and over with before I find out about OM, and go after her retirement, spousal support, etc?

Her custody agreement was basically a 2-2-3, but her getting an extra weekday a week. I asked her what happened to her 2-2-5 idea, and she pulled out a handwritten schedule that she made. It was the 2-2-5, and completely 50/50. She said her lawyer originally wanted to give her two extra days per week and she told him no. She also said her L told her to expect to possibly pay me CS and SS if it's 50/50. I still doubt it would be worth the time and aggravation to go after that though.

I'm still pissed. Her saying I was never a 'nice husband, how she knew I'd be too content to ever 'pull the plug' on the M (which is why she has to do it), etc. She went on about how our son will be better off, not growing up in a household with no love. I lost it again and told her to find me one study that backs up her new age liberal claim of that. She said 'so your idea is to live as roommates for the next 5-10 years?' Whatever. It's over, and I'll be way better off. I don't blame her for being unhappy. The quarterly sex and yearly dinner she cooked was simply too much of a hardship for her.

Oh, one other little sidenote. Son had an appointment with an ENT today and is scheduled for surgery in 3 weeks. Yet the biggest thing on W's mind is telling him about the D asap. lol.

Hello T


What’s an OM got to do with you deciding if you want/need spousal and/or child support? Such payments are not to be a punishment. Nor is the waiving of such rights to be a reward. It’s 50/50. Then you negotiate from there. If you (and her) want to waive spousal support payments and her pension, what is it you are willing to accept in lieu thereof?

If you are ok with waiving the support. Do it as if there is an OM. Although, I’d likely not give up child support so her and him can spent it on themselves. That likely would include not giving up other rights without alternative concessions too.

Her wanting to tell son of the pending divorce also sounds that an OM may be lurking. A possible narrative, and introduction of OM, would be he and her met after you and her decided to break up.


Right off the script, isn’t it? She is projecting, blaming, and justifying. She doesn’t want to face/feel what she’s doing. Nor why she is doing. The why being the underlying reason(s) for her unhappiness. Not her unhappiness in and of itself.

Such is the path she is on. Denying, ignoring, not realizing, the why she feels like she does. In time, she may figure it out. Or she may not. Not your monkeys, not your circus.


I’d suggest not accepting anything less than 50/50 custody. The default of splitting assets is 50/50 as well. There really is not much time or aggravation, since you aren’t really going after it. It’s the default starting point.

She’s twisting this about T. Talk with, and listen to your lawyer. Know what you want, what’s really important to you, and what you’re willing to let go. Following W’s advice is not a great idea. Remember, she is not on team Terapin right now.


Yes. Love it!Definitely illustrates the fairness, and unfairness, of a deal.


Yep, spouses can get pretty self centered as they rush off to their shinny new life.

Be strong and stable, for you and son. Be son’s rock solid support during all of this. And for always when this is well behind you and him.

Best of luck with his upcoming surgery.

D

As an exercise, how could you "agree" with her that you do not want that? I can think of two or three phrases (and behaviors) that I would have used.


Sounds like this is unacceptable to you. Now is the time for you work on changes to your behavior. During my marriage, I was pretty ignorant of how different a woman's "turn ons" were. I spent lots of time doing research.



Obviously you are getting angry, which is totally fine. The key is to channel all of the raw energy from that anger into other things so that when you are interacting with W, you are fully in control of your emotions.

D, thanks. You're right, whether there's OM in the picture or not doesn't matter. Because even if there isn't now, I guaran-damn-tee there will be before long. That's just how women (and some men) are. But she probably thinks that if there is an OM, and I found out about it, I would go after everything I could get from her.

R2C, I'm not sure what you mean with your first question ('exercise')?

Not that W and I have had a ton of small talk or in depth conversations the last few months (unless it was about D or son), but I will now only discuss those two topics with her. Nothing else. I'm going to meet with a mortgage broker this afternoon or tomorrow.

So here may be the dumbest question I've ever asked. lol. I should get her revised custody agreement in the next few days. I'm no lawyer, but I'm also not an idiot. If everything looks legit and fair, can/should I sign it without paying a retainer fee for a lawyer to look at it? I had a consult with one L and spoke to another, but having retained one yet. I mean, if neither of us are going for any support, and we're able to agree on custody and assets/debts, do I absolutely need a L? W already said that if her L needs to be involved in anything else she'd have to pay another $2600 to him, which she'd rather avoid.