It may feel good to come out swinging at her regarding the finances, however keep your attention to the end goal in all of this. So yes, her savings for a lawyer, her drinking and other disposable income usage, best to leave it alone for now. Simply inquire as to the breakdown of expenses. Rent/mortgage, electricity, insurances (vehicle/house/other), property taxes (if applicable), loans, child costs (clothes, food, school, etc), groceries if still purchasing as a family, and so on. Get records/proof if amounts seem overinflated.
W did suggest this meeting. She mentioned a shortfall if she were to hold back 20% of her funds. Let her lead and present her data. Your estimates figure that 80% is sufficient for the joint expenses. Let the bills/numbers tell the tale.
Of course, expenses is only half of the equation. Income is the other. I believe W makes more than you, although I think you said it is reasonable close. If so, just sum the joint expenses, cut the total in half, and get agreement that that is the amount each of you is required to deposit. Notwithstanding unexpected breakdowns and other unforeseen one time expenses.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Naturally I get a text from W saying that 'it's fine for me to do that, even though that's not what we agreed to do.
Did you previously agree to something? It seems W is under the impression you two did. If you did, I suspect the expenses and incomes were not clearly spelt out.
Basically, stay business-like and calm. Do the math and see what the split is.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It may feel good to come out swinging at her regarding the finances, however keep your attention to the end goal in all of this. So yes, her savings for a lawyer, her drinking and other disposable income usage, best to leave it alone for now. Simply inquire as to the breakdown of expenses. Rent/mortgage, electricity, insurances (vehicle/house/other), property taxes (if applicable), loans, child costs (clothes, food, school, etc), groceries if still purchasing as a family, and so on. Get records/proof if amounts seem overinflated.
W did suggest this meeting. She mentioned a shortfall if she were to hold back 20% of her funds. Let her lead and present her data. Your estimates figure that 80% is sufficient for the joint expenses. Let the bills/numbers tell the tale.
Of course, expenses is only half of the equation. Income is the other. I believe W makes more than you, although I think you said it is reasonable close. If so, just sum the joint expenses, cut the total in half, and get agreement that that is the amount each of you is required to deposit. Notwithstanding unexpected breakdowns and other unforeseen one time expenses.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Naturally I get a text from W saying that 'it's fine for me to do that, even though that's not what we agreed to do.
Did you previously agree to something? It seems W is under the impression you two did. If you did, I suspect the expenses and incomes were not clearly spelt out.
Basically, stay business-like and calm. Do the math and see what the split is.
D
Thanks. Well ya, like 2 months ago she asked about the joint checking, bills, etc, and I said I'm not really sure, but it may be easier to keep things as they've been. This was long before her retainer fee, discovering her 2nd private account, a stack of gift cards (restaurants, etc) disappearing, etc.
Yes, she makes about 2 grand a year more than me.
I'll let her lead the conversation. She had previously given me (and I assume her L) a printout of our monthly bills, our salaries, other odds and ends. Everything but groceries, ordering food, entertainment stuff, etc. I figure that even adding like 2 grand a month for that stuff (which is very generous), I'm still contributing more than enough, even with keeping 20% of my check. I'm certain she'll pull out some other numbers, expenses, etc saying otherwise though.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Update the printout with a bit more detail tonight. Then renegotiate the 2 month ago financial allocating based upon this newer information. You might even save more than 20%.
Remember, you can mull this over. You don’t need to commit to any decision tonight. Take time to review things if you need to. Seek that 50/50 point.
To be honest, W’s presented calm front in all this looks odd. Be careful of getting roped into an agreement. You both have lawyers. She’s presented stuff to her lawyer. Got to ask yourself, why is she discussing this with you?
It won’t hurt to listen. However, if her assessment and your assessment are too far apart, get a lawyer designed legally binding agreement drafted up. You’ve got to protect yourself and provide financial security for you and son too.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I have my personal view that 50/50 split on joint expenses is fair. The legal systems appears to me to split based on income ratio. At the time of my divorce, My income was 2 times my x's. So I paid 2/3 she paid 1/3. The kicker was she took a pay cut right at the same time I got a good raise...then she filed. Was much closer to 50/50 during the marriage.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
No conversations with her in a while unless it's about our son.
I was told (mutual friend) that her L emailed her a custody agreement and the petition for divorce over the weekend. Great.
Does anybody have any advice as far as trying to purchase another house while selling one? Like, can you get approved for a new mortgage when you still are paying one (no, I can't afford two)?
It is funny though. She was always a good mother, but rarely did anything with him unless it was homework, doctors appts, etc. Now she's 'supermom', wanting to take him everywhere.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Does anybody have any advice as far as trying to purchase another house while selling one? Like, can you get approved for a new mortgage when you still are paying one (no, I can't afford two)?
Your offer to buy has provisions of having financing approved and the sale of the old house. There is usually an overlap period of paying two mortgage payments for a month (or two) while moving and finishing up the paperwork. It would be difficult to have possession dates for you, the seller, and the buyer all line up on the same day.
You’ll need to work with the bank, a lawyer, and the realtor. Purchasing a house; getting a mortgage; selling a house; what a convoluted process. Best to have some experts handle that workload.
T, don’t get too far ahead of yourself. You are only still talking. Well, not even talking yet.
If it comes to it, could you afford to take over the present house payments? Would you even want to live there? There is a lot less fuss removing a person from the title and mortgage than selling and buying and moving. Just an option to consider/explore.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
No conversations with her in a while unless it's about our son.
I was told (mutual friend) that her L emailed her a custody agreement and the petition for divorce over the weekend. Great.
Does anybody have any advice as far as trying to purchase another house while selling one? Like, can you get approved for a new mortgage when you still are paying one (no, I can't afford two)?
It is funny though. She was always a good mother, but rarely did anything with him unless it was homework, doctors appts, etc. Now she's 'supermom', wanting to take him everywhere.
It can be done but you have to be able to afford it. I bought a new house in 2018 and didn't sell my old one until Jan. 2020. Kind of wish I had held out longer since the market went crazy since then.
Talk to your bank. they'll tell you if you can or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
