Well more on W and OM sitch. Sunday, after wife had come home on saturday and told me OM was out, I got a call from MIL saying W was coming home with plans of leaving. OM had tracked her down at work and told her he was sorry and wanted it to work. He was going to tell his W and family he was leaving that night. I was furious and told MIL that I would not let her in the house. W got home I met her outside and had all the doors locked behind me. She said she was leaving, she didn't love me, and it was over because they were going to be together. W and I had talked twice during the day and she had said that she would be home and that it was still over. I was blown away, what a change of heart in less than 4 hours. I finally let her in and then took her cell and called him. He was telling his wife and kids when I called, then W called on other phone. We passed the phone around and argued and cried and I even talked to his W. I told her how long I had known and how I wish I would have come to her. After several hours of talking and crying and arguing, W and OM decided it was going to be too hard to make it work. W was very angry with him, but said that she was so pissed at him for backing out twice that she had no desire to even talk to him again. They did end up talking though because OM had left while OMW and I talked about sitch. I told her about DB and we went had very good conversation. By the end of the evening I had found out that my wife had lied about sleeping with OM. I had given her two days to take a break from family life last Wed and Thur and she had slept with him on the last night. Then when she came home and was miserable on Fri and I kicked her out W called OM told him to break it to his family and his family was crushed. He backed out on W and that is why she came back on Sat instead of going to Work. W almost instantly turned to me that evening. We made plans to move and are probably going to be out of here in 14 days. She put in her two week notice. I told my boss I was going. We reserved a U-Haul and contacted her family and told them we were coming back. W has seen that OM has his vices. He has been terrible to his W, blaming her for him losing his "lover". She has been hurt by that too. The way he talks about her, I can hear it through the phone when I talk to his wife, is appauling. He is being a big baby and my wife told her to call and talk to me whenever he needed too. OM has told his W that he is going to cut off her cell phone if he doesn't stop talking to me. I am basically telling her to be patient if she wants it to work. I really want her to hang in there for at least two weeks so W and I can get out of here. I think W is becoming angry because trust is down on OMW side and I keep trying to reassure that my W is not going to go back to him. I am very worried because they both will be at work together tomorrow and I think that he will try to contact her. W has promissed that it won't make a difference. I believe her, but of course I am still a little worried. He persuaded her twice to leave me and I am praying that the third time isn't a charm. What advice do I give W? I could probably meet her at W and make sure that OM doesn't try to sweep her off her feet. I may tell her to call me the second she gets off work and then she can tell him she is talking to me and has to go. I am a little scared, but fortunatly we have counseling today too. W was far more withdrawn this morning after last nights talk with OMW. I am trying to be supportive and tell her that I have faith in her (I always have, but I can't make the reality and pain go away. What do I do! Please let me know asap!
creed, I would talk to W ask her if it would make her feel better if you came a got her form work. Ask her how she would like to handle the next two weeks. And when you are home start getting ready for the move. Show her that you are there for her and that you want to go on with your marriage together.
Try to find a way where W can finsh work oblagtions, (unless she wants to leave without the 2 weeks) but has little contacted with OM. It has to be W dission also.
kat
P.S. Try to keep things light. No deep R talks at least until yall been away form OM for a lillte bit.
We may be on our way to the promissed land. Well, we are moving back to her parents farm. Today went pretty well I guess. She didn't talk to OM at all. Of course, OM W and I have been in very close contact trying to keep them apart. I guess OM has shown signs of finding out how to improve his relationship habits. Wife has been a little edgy today. I did talk to her a little about rumors of sex between her and other man. It hurts so bad to think that they did it, but if they hadn't they would have snuck around until I left her and then two marriages would have been broken up. If all this works out it could be a Double Divorce Busting. The hardest thing now is waiting for her to get over OM. I imagine, my work has just begun. What a battle it has been. Although I am still waiting for these two weeks to get over so we can GET OUT OF HERE!!! I can't believe that through all the pain OM put her through that she hasn't realized how good a guy I am for staying around and not giving up. God why can't these selfish people see the pain that they put us through! I know, I did some wrong, but God knows I am a moral and good person. Pray for me and I will keep praying for you all. Of course ANY advice will be welcome.
Everyday wife seems to get a little better, but unfortunately I faced major setbacks yesterday. I had still been talking with OM's W and she had been passing me information about my W and OM. She had told me that on Saturday the two hand kissed and hugged in the parking lot at work and that my W had called OM on the way home from work to ask if he was going to follow her on the highway until she had to turn off so they could talk. All this happened the day after I had left work early to check and see if the two were still rendevouzing after work. I found both cars parked together, OM had punched out of work early and was going home, showed he was trying to avoid my W. I stopped him and talked to him. He told me to take her home and be good to her. I told him I had always been good to her so I guess I would have to be great in order to keep her interest. We shook hands and left. I went in and told his W about the early departure and all of the other stuff, she said it was a good move on my part (I of course know better). She also said that he had told her that he wanted to ML with her that night. OM was very upset about the fact that I had driven all the way down to OM's W place to try and make her feel a little better because she was so depressed over the affair. We just went to the park and talked and I told her afterwards, that it was possible to get out and leave the pain behind. I just tried to show her what she could do to try and get her mind off of the affair. She had been doing very well. I said it looked like she was in the clear. The information that she gave me the next day devastated me. It seemed like my W was chasing him around. I have also had the added stress of her period coming late, I have never wanted her period to come so badly in my life!
Right now the hardest thing is knowing that this scumbag thought so much of my wife to not only back out on her twice, but to ML to his W only because he thought I had gone down to sleep with his W. I'm not that type of a guy. I also think it is hard waiting for W to bring intimacy back to our R. I know W is going through a tough time. I guess the more patient I am with her, wait for the move, and keep supporting her through this the better it is for me.
She has gotten a tone of foot rubs and has even sat on my lap a couple of times. I just keep on listening to Hoobastank's "The Reason" and Nickleback's "Someday" (para your request). She is still here, she is trying to make it work, and she wants to start our lives over again back near her parents. I think she needs support from them, but what kind of advice is good from them? They are going to talk a lot about how great of a guy I am. Do you think that will be okay? They have stayed in constant contact with me through this, and she has done the opposite of what they have told her to do, aside from this move. Regaurdless, getting her away from here will help. Although over the last few days she has really reassured me that she is done with him.
Yesterday we had a rough time because of what OM's W had told me, and she said that it was all lies. I told her I had a hard time believing her, then she said that she and her friend at work had talked and they both felt that OM was doing this to try and get me to leave (If that was his plan it almost worked because I had a bag packed for my S and I and I was going to go and confront her on it while my S stayed with a friend). W and friend felt that OM was spreading rumours through his W to try and get me to leave my W. W was near tears. W said it was over and she just wanted to work on our R. Of course this is what convinced me of her pain and sincerity. SHe said she was sorry for what she put me through. She wished she could take it back but couldn't. I didn't cry, but I feel like it typing this up. I finally have my wish for a second chance and I keep on pouring cold water over her efforts to try and get her feelings back for me.
So now I just have to sit back and make it easier for her. We went to dinner last night at the Casino she works in and I was very uncomfortable. It was hell. The food was very good and afterwards we went bowling. She reached out a couple of times and it was a good time. Boy do I have a long road ahead of me. After these next 8 days we will be away from the casino, and most of the nightmares that have come from that. 10 days from now we will be back where our love was very strong, and the stimulus of the best part of our relationship will be center stage. I keep praying that this will be good enough to get her back into my corner. I know I still have a long way to go before I will be in the clear, but for now she is still here, still sleeps in the same bed with me, and sometimes...she even smiles . That sure makes me feel good.
Quote: I faced major setbacks yesterday. I had still been talking with OM's W and she had been passing me information about my W and OM. She had told me that on Saturday the two hand kissed and hugged in the parking lot at work and that my W had called OM on the way home from work to ask if he was going to follow her on the highway until she had to turn off so they could talk. All this happened the day after I had left work early to check and see if the two were still rendevouzing after work. I found both cars parked together, OM had punched out of work early and was going home, showed he was trying to avoid my W. I stopped him and talked to him. He told me to take her home and be good to her. I told him I had always been good to her so I guess I would have to be great in order to keep her interest. We shook hands and left. I went in and told his W about the early departure and all of the other stuff, she said it was a good move on my part (I of course know better). She also said that he had told her that he wanted to ML with her that night. OM was very upset about the fact that I had driven all the way down to OM's W place to try and make her feel a little better because she was so depressed over the affair.
Maybe it isn't such a good ideal to talk to the OM's W. If she conacts you, tell her about the books that have helped you, and tell her about DB. But also tell her to work out your R problems, you have to put all your time and engrey into your marriage. Even though you would like to help her with her problems (for the simple fact that maybe her H would leave your W alone.) You have to work on your own marriage. It's nice and sweet that you want to be there for her but rembmer that is how EA start and you really don't need your W thinking you are having an EA with OM's W.
Quote: also think it is hard waiting for W to bring intimacy back to our R. I know W is going through a tough time. I guess the more patient I am with her, wait for the move, and keep supporting her through this the better it is for me.
She has gotten a tone of foot rubs and has even sat on my lap a couple of times.
That maybe your W's way of letting you know that she wants intimacy. I know for some people the tought of asking for intimacy scaries them. It is one thing I have not been able to ask for. Maybe W sitting on your lap is her first move. Next time try and kiss her. Go form there, If it seems like W dosen't want intimacy stop. But who knows, Waitting around might be a cheeseless tunnal. You can always backtrack if it seems like it was the wrong move.
Quote: I think she needs support from them, but what kind of advice is good from them? They are going to talk a lot about how great of a guy I am. Do you think that will be okay? They have stayed in constant contact with me through this, and she has done the opposite of what they have told her to do, aside from this move.
I think you should have them read DB or DR which ever one helps you the most. Tell theam that at this point W doesn't need the sitch thrown in her face. Ask them not to go on about it. I think that if they went on about what a great H you are it would just make her feel guliter about sitch and make DBing that much harder.
I know that when my mom found out about my sitch I had to listen to her thoerys. Then I relized it was just making me worse so I told her I didn't need to hear this and for her to not to talk about it unless I bought it up. When I told her that and explain what it is that I am trying to do, she was nice enough to drop the subjuct.
Quote: I finally have my wish for a second chance and I keep on pouring cold water over her efforts to try and get her feelings back for me.
Don't be too hard on yourself, you don't need to be hit with the 2x4 yet. As long as you are seeing what you are doing and learning form that you are in the right dirction. If you can turn this step back into a postive by learning form it you will be on the road to sucess.
Quote: So now I just have to sit back and make it easier for her. We went to dinner last night at the Casino she works in and I was very uncomfortable. It was hell. The food was very good and afterwards we went bowling. She reached out a couple of times and it was a good time. Boy do I have a long road ahead of me. After these next 8 days we will be away from the casino, and most of the nightmares that have come from that. 10 days from now we will be back where our love was very strong, and the stimulus of the best part of our relationship will be center stage. I keep praying that this will be good enough to get her back into my corner. I know I still have a long way to go before I will be in the clear, but for now she is still here, still sleeps in the same bed with me, and sometimes...she even smiles . That sure makes me feel good.
That is a great baby step. Look at that as proof that DBing is working. Keep in mind the rollercoaster has just begin but there are high points to it.
Kat, Day by day, it gets better. I told her (when asked what was wrong) that I was having a rough time being the second option. She said that I was no longer the second option because she was with me. I guess I should be happy with that but right now it is still so fresh and the wound is still gaping. It is hard to deal with the fact that if OM would have left his W my W would be gone too. But as usual, I keep coming back to the fact that she is still here, she is still here, she is STILL HERE!!!
Sorry it took so long to reply, but I have been dealing with the move and all that stuff. W and I are back at IL and things seem to get better. We now have 2-3 good days then a bad day, much better than 1 good day with 2-3 bad days.
The days leading up to the move were very tough. OM would not leave W alone at work. He kept calling and she kept listening, but of course had made her mind up to leave. She didn't call him (she says) but a few days after arrival I noticed that she was keeping tabs on her voice mail. I didn't say much at first but after awhile I caught her sneaking around with phones. Then we went in to change our service on our cells and that evening she decided to try and let the battery die down on her phone and I made a fatefull mistake. I noticed her phone face had lit up at about 5:30 AM when I was going to the bathroom. I picked it up and the number was listed as private (OM's calls had always been listed this way)...and there was a voice message. I didn't check it figuring one was not a big deal, then I looked at the call log and there were 8 out of 10 listed previous recieved calls from him, and then the message adjusted to 8 new messages.
I was furious. I went up to our room and let loose the anger. She said she didn't know what I was talking about, so I showed her the phone. She said she didn't know why he was calling her. I told her she had to tell him to stop or else I was gone this time. She said she didn't ever return the calls except to tell him that she was back and excited to be back. I didn't take it as an acceptable answer and started to drive to a friends house, this happened the day that we were supposed to leave to go to the lake for my sons birthday. I would not have been there. I called my mom and told her I had had enough and that I wanted her and my sister (both paralegal secrateries) to research MN divorce and child custody laws. I ended up losing the connection about 15 miles into a 25 mile trip. I called her and then I started back on my moms last words of advice to "Not abandon my son". I called her and she said she didn't know what to tell me. She hadn't tried to contact him; and she didn't know why he wouldn't leave her alone. She then told me that she had gone through this the whole week before we left. Which explained why she had been so crabby. Her mom came over and had pieced everything together by our reactions and what W had told her on the phone. MIL kinda cut into her and told her she had to take of the blinders, accept the fact that the affair was not healthy and move on with her life. MIL also stated that W was lucky to have a man who loved her after all the turmoil. MIL then said that she was sorry that W thought she didn't support her, but MIL couldn't support something she didn't believe in. W then fired out the old "Where was he when I was alone and hurting," remark and I froze as my MIL left. W stormed around finishing the packing and I told her something that I had never said in response to that question. Usually I had answered that "I was there, but she never came to me" this time it hit me, I told her "I don't know where I was. I don't know why I didn't notice that you were in pain, but if you give me a second chance I will never let you feel that way again." It seemed like a switch turned on and she realized that I had taken my responsibility for the problems that we had and was working on them. She didn't walk away, and I gave her a hug and she sobbed on my shoulder and restated that she didn't want to talk to him anymore.
I listened to the messages and they were all begging her to come back to him. She gave me her phone and I asked her what she wanted me to do with it. She told me she didn't care, but she was sick of it. I gave both of our phones to my FIL and he put them in his office. She did tell me that she had called him and told him she may be coming back to work since I had left, but not to get his hopes up about her wanting to see him. We left for the lake.
We talked in the car and I was still a mess even when she reached out to me and said everything was going to be alright. Seemed so sudden and forced. She also was very sweet to me as we ate at McDonalds. Our conversation to the lake revolved around us having a good time and worrying about us. I told her I felt she should call him and tell him his calls were unwanted (advice from my mother). SHe said silence would work just as well. I half-heartedly agreed.
At the lake there was some turbulence, but also some good times. We ML at the place that asked for her hand in marriage. We have ML 3 other times since. In fact in 5 days we ML 4 times and probably would have done it more, but man am I wore out! Maybe tonight, or tomorrow (Father's Day). My birthday was two days ago and it went very well. Today however she has been a little downtrodden. I have a hard time dealing with that. Then to make it worse, he tried to call on his way home from work and I took the call, he hung up. Maybe that will help send the message. I went and talked to her about it and she became defensive (part of the crabbiness), I doubt he will be calling back for awhile and with any luck we will have changed our cell phone numbers by the time he does try again.
Well that is where we are at now. Any advice? I know it must look good, but some days it is still sheer hell and unbearably painful. I just keep on holding out hope for a short road to happiness, but of course I am prepared for the long-haul. Anyway, gotta go. Thanks for listening and praying and I still pray for you my friend. Best of Luck
It sounds like things are going in the right diration for you. I am happy to hear the good news. It is great that ya are haveing more good days than bad. Form the books that I have read this is a great sign. Just keep in mind when you think the bad days are gone one will still sneak up on you every now and then. You could go monthes to year with thinking on the A and then out of the blue it pops up. It is very imporant that you learn how to deal with the feelings so it won't do damage.
Maybe the Om is calling your W because he wants to keep things stired up. But try to give W the benfit of doubt. If she is not acting wired and sneaking around to have alone time then maybe she isn't trying to conated him.
It will be a leap of faith, but sometimes that's all we can do. It is a great step that she gave you her phone to show that you can trust her. And I wouldn't push the issue about her calling him and saying it is over. She knows her limit, that call might just suck her back in. Om will get the message after awhile, chaseing someone who dosen't answer will lose it's appeal.
Keep up the good work. Rember that you have to show W that the changes are for real just not a con in getting her back. There is still a lot of work to be done, but you are on the right path is seems like.
Yesterday, was tough. It was Father's Day and we argued a little on the way home from the lake about, get this, songs. There was a song called "The Reason" that I had told her presented my feelings on what I was going through. It played like three times in less than an hour and I told her to change it but the big problem is I listened to it so many times with our S in the car that it is very reccognizable to him and he loves it. I told her that I didn't care if she changed the station, but it was hard to deal with because it did mean a lot to me and considering that she had a CD that I had made her with songs that reminded her of OM and two that he had made her in her case, she could always throw one of those in and ruin my mood. Well we got to her dad's house and she didn't provide much support and I about left. She coaxed me back, reassuring me that "Everything would be all right", and I made it for awhile until I we were working on her dad's computer, trying to E-Mail some pictures and she refused to open her E-Mail account. I told her that she had said she wasn't talking to OM so what did she have to hide? She wouldn't open it and I told her that I didn't know how else to check and see if they went through. I stormed out of the house, drove to our house and wasn't going back.
I called her and told her that she needed to give me a real good reason to not leave. SHe said that she didn't want me to leave. I decided that was good enough and after unpacking the car went back. She was very sweet and we made it through the rest of the afternoon.
Then evening hit and she left to go next door to her Mom and Step Dad's house to "check on her sister". I left after awhile and went over there. She was on the computer and closed out her E-Mail as I walked in. Again she told me that she had no way of communicating with him. I doubt that this is true, but of course, right now I will never know, well, actually I could, but it would mean changing her E-Mail password. I don't want to do that so I guess I have to accept her answer. I just don't want to be lied to anymore. I am so sick of it. Today has been a rough day, and I don't know why. She has been very withdrawn and I have tried to give her some space to get over it. I have also asked her to talk about it, but she doesn't want to do that either. I just wish she would communicate.
To make it worse, last night she told me that she still had 11 days to decide if she wanted to go back to work. I told her I knew that and I thought of that everyday! And I do! I sometimes feel that she is putting on an act to show that she is trying to make it work, but will in the end leave and go back. I believe the only thing she would be going back to would be a job. I don't think they will work out. Regardless, it is tough to wait and wonder.
Well, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your kind ears and caring nature.
. That sure makes me feel good.