I may have something useful to add later. Maybe not. But I have no time right now and just wanted to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I think our kk might have something! The left behind spouse is literally, physically, emotionally, mentally FORCED into changing...but the run away is so busy running that they don't do much else. So, while you, the strong one GREW, LEARNED, SEARCHED...he was still waiting for you to fix it. And only now is he realizing that HE has to fix it. He has confronted his fears (you abandoning, judging , never forgiving) and has said he needs to be the one to do some work now. And he had GARY for goodness sake...it's a wonder he has one thought in his head, let alone all he has said. So, I think kitty is right in that he has finally begun the process. But who is to say that he has to finish the process alone? Why can't he count on your SUPPORT...not your FIX...to get through this with the help of you and the kids?He really needs a counselor that knows exactly what to say to get him over the hump doesn't he?
Well Bets all I can offer is ((((((((HUGS)))))))))))), strong coffee and Kleenix. Hold on for a little while longer, girlfriend...you've let him know what is in your heart and now it is time for him to make his committment to you and the kids. Love and prayers and better days! Linda
I did ask Husband to read Divorce Remedy. I don't quite remember if it was before or after the conversation in which he admitted to stalling out of fear.
But, I think it helped a lot. It has given us a common language with which to address issues.
And I think it showed him that our relationship problems were perfectly normal and conquerable.
HOWEVER, he did tell me that when he first started reading, he got mad at me.
But he did say, he got over it because he realized I was doing everything I could to fix things.
Is this something that would work for Mr. Wonderful? Would he be willing to read the book? Or would he get mad and stay mad?
I think you handled it very well, BETS.
And I suspect that you are embarrased about crying in front of him...but I do think that since you've been so strong, that it was important for him to see how deeply this affects you.
I think this is important to do one time.
I know this is a very rough time for you, but I am so excited for you. The end of limbo is in sight.
You did really well, girl! I agree, after all this time, you're not only entitled to have it all released, but to receive the gift of the listening and seeing that clearly took place in this conversation.
Not that it makes it easier.
You sure do ask the tough questions... but I think he's known this for some time, too. I'm glad that he's building the stamina to begin to answer them.
You know, what you posted over on my thread was not the only similarity in the conversations we have had. Our sitches may be different, but so much of what Mr. W is sharing now is what my H has shared with me as well.
This IS how they feel. This IS what they're going through. And they haven't found the resources we have had to drag our own butts through it all (my H has had OW and MIL, for god sakes!).
They don't know the answers, or even where to begin to find them. I think even admitting that is not easy. And going in there looking for them is a risk-- painful, worthwile, but a risk nonetheless.
It seems to me that it's a risk that Mr. W may be willing to take. If sending you flowers "felt good"... how much more could he feel by continuing to take similar steps?
I agree with Kitti... a bit more patience cannot hurt you now, Betsey.
What Kitti said is so important (and true). We have to grow, we have no choice in the matter. Our S's have just kept running. Mr.W had Gary, some H's have ow. Not much in the way of "growing" help.
You need patience for a little while longer. You asked tough questions, and Mr. W knows you are not going to go away, disappear, or any other vanishing act until you have the answers. Patience!!!!!!
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
I'll join in with another WOW! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Betsey}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
You have showed incredible patience, incredible strength and great insight and understanding. This was really a wonderful post about a great job! You did ask the tough questions and he did everything in his power to answer them and you did an amazing job of handling the answers unflinchingly.
I agree with KK. Time for patience with him. He really seems to want to find the answers and he has indeed been running for so long that now he needs to do the same work that you have done. You can't fix it for him but you can continue to support him as he goes through it.
Great work Betsey - and everyone on this board is here to support you. You have a such a great and loyal following - because you are such a great and loyal human being. Continue being good to you! Totally
I appreciate all the feedback... a couple things to clarify quickly because my family will be returning any moment now.
I fully appreciate the message of continuing patience. I feel patient. I know that the desperation in last night's post did not reflect it, but it IS there. After I posted to Wonder on her thread, I walked up to my room and caught a little TV while engrossing myself in thought.
I prayed on it, and again at church today. And it seems as though I have some more clarity.
It is now my job to show him and say to him that it is not up to me to judge or to dole out consequences. And I must let him know what projection is. Because I now hear his statement
I don't know if I could ever love you again
As
I don't know if you could ever love me again.
And I see the guilt and remorse.
Whoops, they're all here. Will finish later.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
{{{{{betsey}}}}} WOW... okay, so KK stole my thought...
UGH... I hate that word, patience... but I agree, he seems to actually finally be THINKING and I think you have to let him think. The last time the two of you had an incredibly meaningful convo (okay, maybe second to last) he wouldn't even admit to having been thinking about things. So, there is that...
Him feeling good about sending you flowers, there is that, too.
My H has also said that he feared being judged forever by me, and also that he did not know if he would ever love me again... why are you thinking that Mr. W is projecting his fear about you never loving HIM again? I only ask this to selfishly try to glean a bit of hope from your conversation with him for my sitch...
Betsey, your posts really comforted me... that you are HUMAN and just as "right there" as the rest of us... I feel so confused lately... I KNOW I am paddling in the right direction, I KNOW to be patient and to continue to persevere (have you noticed the word "severe" is in that word? that has always bothered me...) the Lord has posted those signs in front of me many times... but the problem is, I don't see anyone else paddling with me... am I out in front or hopelessly behind??? And will I be here alone forever? Geez, even the Costco checker hits on me, in front of my son... why doesn't my H find me the least bit attractive? But I digress.
Slow as sea coral... but definitely growing, hang in there, girlfriend.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I didn't think you had lost patience from reading your posts. I sensed the hurt, the need to reach some conclusion. I didn't hear desperation, either. Just a need to be able to move forward.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
I'm glad that he's building the stamina to begin to answer them.
Betsey 
