Sooo I arrived here back in 2008. I have studied these forums and other personal growth material the whole time you have been with your W. Is that crazy?
Jack Sparrow -Commandeer. We’re gonna commandeer that ship. Nautical term. One question about your business, boy. There’s no use going. This girl.. How far are you willing to go to save her? -I’d die for her. -Oh, good. No worries then.
The things that work are counter intuitive. How far are you willing to go? Are you willing to set her free and let her completely go? Actually support her decision?
She has lost her attraction for you. Every interaction with her is a chance to be either more or less attractive. She thinks she knows you. You have an opportunity to make personal growth improvements that will contradict her "model" she has of you in her mind. Focus on you and your positive changes.
One of the best DBers, Coach, gave stellar advise. Spend some time reading all the quotes linked here: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2943653 Get familiar with the thought processes of him and the other posters quoted. You should be able to tell me the difference between RobX approach and Gucci loafers or LH19 etc.
Just know that you and your kids will be ok no matter what path your W chooses. Everything happens for a reason.
Do not let fear control you. Do not be boring.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sooo I arrived here back in 2008. I have studied these forums and other personal growth material the whole time you have been with your W. Is that crazy?
Jack Sparrow -Commandeer. We’re gonna commandeer that ship. Nautical term. One question about your business, boy. There’s no use going. This girl.. How far are you willing to go to save her? -I’d die for her. -Oh, good. No worries then.
The things that work are counter intuitive. How far are you willing to go? Are you willing to set her free and let her completely go? Actually support her decision?
She has lost her attraction for you. Every interaction with her is a chance to be either more or less attractive. She thinks she knows you. You have an opportunity to make personal growth improvements that will contradict her "model" she has of you in her mind. Focus on you and your positive changes.
One of the best DBers, Coach, gave stellar advise. Spend some time reading all the quotes linked here: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2943653 Get familiar with the thought processes of him and the other posters quoted. You should be able to tell me the difference between RobX approach and Gucci loafers or LH19 etc.
Just know that you and your kids will be ok no matter what path your W chooses. Everything happens for a reason.
Do not let fear control you. Do not be boring.
Captain Jack! Love those movies!
Things do happen for a reason, but for the life of me I can’t see why she would want to abandon our family. Sigh. One day at a time.
I’m no expert but I think it could be very reasonable to clarify if those were work trips.
I’ve thought about that. They don’t have work functions where I been with her co-workers and I’ve never met any enough to be able to ask those questions. I wouldn’t know where to begin on that one and what kind of repercussions it may have.
Well, this morning went downhill. I made breakfast like I have so many times before - blueberry pancakes…I remember how it was just us and while I was making her favorite blueberry pancakes she would dance around cleaning. Sigh, but I digress. I put on my best face and was happy.
While the kids were eating, she was all smiles. It’s when they left for school that she changed. Almost like a light switch was flipped. She said we need to tell the kids.
I said on my way out “do you think that’s best?” Didn’t wait for a response. Just left for work. Not a single word from her since.
I told my friend I had found those pictures and about the modified/saved date. He said that’s all the proof I need to confront her. I said it wasn’t concrete. But more I’m paranoid as I think he’s right.
Is it all in my head or is her going all the way to GA really to see him?
Excuse the babbling. One of the things I like about this site is I feel free to talk anonymously. That helps. I left work today. Couldn’t deal with it. I might go fishing to clear my head. These last few weeks I’ve spent more time in the gym and renewed old hobbies - anything to keep my mind off of things.
Now I find myself questioning everything - even going back to when we were dating. Maybe I’m overly cynical. A few close friends have gone through divorce and I’ve seen what it does to families and especially kids. She swears the kids are resilient and will be fine. I grew up in a very loving home where my parents are still married after over 50 years.
I find I’m battling depression more than ever before. My kids are my life. Years ago, I had a shipmate who’s wife divorced him and took the kids halfway across the country. Not that I’m saying she’d move out of state, but I can’t imagine life not having the kids around all the time. There courts tended to favor the mom then. I heard they still do.
Is it all in my head or is her going all the way to GA really to see him?
Does it matter ???
JR...
Look man, you are trying to rush this process. Being a guy is hard in this. We have our bravado, and nature built this thing into us where we think that we can fix any F-ing thing....
And now, you've run up against something that you can't fix, and you are gonna have anxiety about it, and you are gonna let the monsters in your head out to play every time you don't know what / where/ how she is....
Control of you, your life, your wife, your situation is slipping through your fingers, and you are scared AF about it....
Your fears are gonna drive you wild until you can make sense of this.
The cold hard truth right now is that you've been fired from your job as her Husband. The marriage that "you" envisioned isn't the same marriage that "she" is envisioning right now.
The way that she sees things isn't the same as you are seeing them.
I've always said that there are 3 sides to a story. Your truth, her truth, and somewhere in the middle is where the real truth usually lies.
Your truths are not gonna match up right now.
Her truth is moving her forward, and your truth is the pain in your posts.
For now though.....
READ what has been posted to you....
Slow your mind by realizing that you aren't the first person this has happened to and you have support around you. Possibly the best support that you can find.
You need to start sorting out your truths, and finding your focus and balance.
Being Military, you are going to have people that are going to try and talk you into what you should do with YOUR life....
And you need to be sure before you follow the guy that's been Divorced 4 times, giving you relationship advice.
Whatever happens, whatever outcome you find yourself in, you want to make sure that they are YOUR decisions, and that they aren't emotional decisions that you can't take back....
Everything going on with you....today.....is temporary.....
Same as tomorrow will be.....
And you get to choose what you do with that.....
I have more that I am going to share....
For now though....
Just read the resources. Get lost in them....
Try to stop the monsters in your head from driving you off the deck.....
Right now, at the beginning of this, the single best thing you can do for yourself is to detach. That will allow you to stop walking on eggshells and being dragged about by your emotions.
Originally Posted by JllyRgrs
One of my close friends suggested something I didn’t want to consider - to snoop. But that’s not me and I couldn’t bring myself to go down that rabbit hole. But two weeks ago I did. She has never changed the password on her old laptop and my curiosity got the best of me. In a hidden file I found many old pics of her and that guy. The last one which has a modified date of 3 weeks before. That sent me spiraling down into places I didn’t want to go. My mind went there.
I don’t suggest snooping for that very reason. You get dragged down the rabbit hole. And that doesn’t help you find detachment.
Information, that proof, usually gets revealed on its own. Snooping usually leads to more questions/assumptions than answers/facts.
Originally Posted by JllyRgrs
Is it all in my head or is her going all the way to GA really to see him?
It drags you about. More and more questions.
Originally Posted by JllyRgrs
While the kids were eating, she was all smiles. It’s when they left for school that she changed. Almost like a light switch was flipped. She said we need to tell the kids.
I said on my way out “do you think that’s best?” Didn’t wait for a response. Just left for work. Not a single word from her since.
That was an opportunity to possibly learn further information.
Currently, W has placed a target upon you. To her you are the bad guy. She is thinking about leaving or making some change. Don’t make your target bigger!
Your response, “do you think that’s best?” and then leaving before she can even answer will likely just get her more upset. You didn’t listen to her, or hear her reasoning, or validate her concerns/feelings, just said your view and left.
It is true that you don’t want to start or get dragged into relationship talks when things are off the rails. Usually the leaving spouse uses such conversations to further their justifications. Realize she is blaming you and the relationship, so talking about it reinforces her ideas for leaving.
However, if she wants to say something, do listen. Let her speak. Validate her view. Not promote your’s. Apologize where it is appropriate. You don’t be a doormat and get walked all over either. There is a validation thread with good information (link is in the welcoming post).
That is if she is speaking. If she is simply disrespecting you, that’s a different kettle of fish. Then boundaries come into play. At the moment, and with what you shared, it doesn’t sound like that is the case.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
One thing that I would advise, is that you don't try and diagnose every small detail of what/ and why she is doing this or that.
You've had a major shock to your system, and no matter how much things make sense today, in ten minutes you will be asking the same question and trying to find the same answers over and over again....
EVERY thing, every decision that you make now, will be an emotional decision. Your spouse is running on pure emotion right now, and there is NO reason for you both to be doing that....
So "thinking" isn't quite as important than making sure that you are taking care of yourself. And getting yourself to a calmer, more rational mindset...
