The first thing you need to do is breathe and then step back. The only person that you can control is yourself. Your spouse is going to do whatever she needs to do to feel better about herself. At the present time, you are an authority figure, i.e., like a father or a boss. When they are trying to figure things out, they look at us that way. It's nothing personal, but it is all about how she feels and she thinks she missed out on along the way.
Will she travel to GA? Who knows? If she does, there's no much you can do about it. One thing I learned a long time ago, the less you say and/or point out the things the spouse is doing, the better. They are like two year olds and going on 16 at the same time. One minute very nice and the next evil. Her journey is about her and you sure do not want to tag along. The old saying drop the rope or be dragged down is very true. Another saying is that you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. She has to do the heavy lifting in this area.
As for snooping, try not to do it. We all do some of it at the beginning because we are hurt, confused, disappointed and yes even angry. If you sit back and just listen, she will feel more comfortable on telling on herself.
Life as you knew it is gone because right now, the marriage is dead to her. You will mourn the death of your marriage and that is understandable. However, you have children that need a stable parent who will be there for them. Listen to them and answer their questions as honestly as you can.
It will get better in time. This is not a sprint, but a huge marathon. You will survive it, but it's going to take a lot of patience, compassion and more patience. Dig as deep as you can for patience. Do not take her bait when she tosses things out to you. Again, the less you react, the better. Come here before you do and/or say anything rash. Do not make any decisions when you are upset and/or angry that you may regret at a later date.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your response, “do you think that’s best?” and then leaving before she can even answer will likely just get her more upset. You didn’t listen to her, or hear her reasoning, or validate her concerns/feelings, just said your view and left.
It is true that you don’t want to start or get dragged into relationship talks when things are off the rails. Usually the leaving spouse uses such conversations to further their justifications. Realize she is blaming you and the relationship, so talking about it reinforces her ideas for leaving.
However, if she wants to say something, do listen. Let her speak. Validate her view. Not promote your’s. Apologize where it is appropriate. You don’t be a doormat and get walked all over either. There is a validation thread with good information (link is in the welcoming post).
That is if she is speaking. If she is simply disrespecting you, that’s a different kettle of fish. Then boundaries come into play. At the moment, and with what you shared, it doesn’t sound like that is the case.
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Hi - thanks for the reply. In hindsight, maybe leaving before she could answer want my best course of action. I wasn’t thinking clearly, I suppose. I just wanted out.
I went down to my favorite fishing spot but never got out of my Jeep. I spent a bit of time reading the suggestions and other posts. As has been said so many times in other threads, dwelling does no good and certainly not on my part. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond!
It’s when they left for school that she changed. Almost like a light switch was flipped. She said we need to tell the kids.
I said on my way out “do you think that’s best?” Didn’t wait for a response. Just left for work. Not a single word from her since.
There are soo many ways to respond to her. We can all give our two cents so that the next time something similar happens, you have more choices on how to respond, hopefully in a "better" way. Better has many meanings as well.
Right off the top of my head:
"I agree" comes to mind. Then defer: "We can talk about the details later, I need to get to work".
Or:
"You look frustrated. (or however she looks emotionally).
Remember this: You will loose any logical debate, so do not debate. You have "better" discussions by deciding how you will be responding BEFORE the interactions happens. Then you can look back and go "YA, I did validate, good job me!"
Some phrases to add to your options:
"I am not sure" "I have not thought about that" "I need to process everything you have said" "I will let you know when I have decided" "Send me your proposal and I will look it over" "I believe it is best" "Yes" "No" "You sound frustrated" "I am late, I need to go" "We can continue this discussion later"
The less words you use, the more the impact.
So back to telling the children. We have had this discussion many times. Dig through my quote threads for examples.
Start working on how you want it to go down. Example:
1) You and her discuss how and when 2) She does most of the talking. 3) etc
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I’ve yet to tell you all about my ex, so bear with me. I’m not the best with words and not the most eloquent of writers lol
She’s fairly tall, blonde, with amazing green eyes. Brains, beauty, and the personality to match…quite the catch. She’s a firm believer in working out and in excellent shape and has been since her Army days. One of the things I love about her is that she’s a great Mom and would literally die for her kids.
Her army time influences who she is now, and that’s quite understandable. She’s the consummate professional. I’ve spent a big portion of my life with the military, so I get it. She was a combat medic in Iraq in 2006, and as a result suffers from a slight ptsd - it’s never showed itself around the kids but I’ve seen it.
Today, she it’s just as driven as she was then. When she sets her mind to something, she doesn’t let go. She’s not the best at showing love. except to the kids. I get that.
I never saw the problems in our relationship, or maybe I was blind. Now I over analyze everything.
It’s when they left for school that she changed. Almost like a light switch was flipped. She said we need to tell the kids.
I said on my way out “do you think that’s best?” Didn’t wait for a response. Just left for work. Not a single word from her since.
There are soo many ways to respond to her. We can all give our two cents so that the next time something similar happens, you have more choices on how to respond, hopefully in a "better" way. Better has many meanings as well.
Right off the top of my head:
"I agree" comes to mind. Then defer: "We can talk about the details later, I need to get to work".
Or:
"You look frustrated. (or however she looks emotionally).
Remember this: You will loose any logical debate, so do not debate. You have "better" discussions by deciding how you will be responding BEFORE the interactions happens. Then you can look back and go "YA, I did validate, good job me!"
Some phrases to add to your options:
"I am not sure" "I have not thought about that" "I need to process everything you have said" "I will let you know when I have decided" "Send me your proposal and I will look it over" "I believe it is best" "Yes" "No" "You sound frustrated" "I am late, I need to go" "We can continue this discussion later"
The less words you use, the more the impact.
So back to telling the children. We have had this discussion many times. Dig through my quote threads for examples.
Start working on how you want it to go down. Example:
1) You and her discuss how and when 2) She does most of the talking. 3) etc
Hi, Ready!!!! Thank you for responding! Sage advice - I can see I have much to learn!
I’ve been reading the “guide” and threads a bit today - just lurking and not commenting. I don’t know how y’all do it - I feel as if I’m about to go out of my mind. I know, breathe. Y’all are awesome!
Hang in there JR take care of yourself. Reach out for support like you are doing -dont do it alone. Your health and well being and that of your kids are far too important. Yes breathe and know that we all care and want the very best for you.
Hang in there JR take care of yourself. Reach out for support like you are doing -dont do it alone. Your health and well being and that of your kids are far too important. Yes breathe and know that we all care and want the very best for you.
Hi Rockon! Thank you for the support! I’m trying but it’s very hard. Just keeping my head down snd trying to avoid incoming. I may post a lot and hope that’s ok. I’m not much on telling people I know, if you understand.
Im with you. Please post as much as is helpful and I would recommend posting a lot and processing. And don’t apologize if you dont have your thoughts and emotions sorted. No one here expects that.
