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MA1970,
Didn't mean to come across as harsh, but also think it's important you have a realistic view of your situation.

Desperation is your enemy. The more desperate you are the move likely you'll act in a weak and unattractive way. The fast you can drop the fear, get strong and know you'll be fine either way, the more confident and attractive you'll become.

Avoiding sex for years is not good for a relationship. You can't change the past, but know that going forward.

Not sure I saw an answer to this one?

Do you and/or your H have a tendency to ignore issues and sweep them under the rug?

Good Morning M

Nice job not bring up any potential infidelity talks. You asked H a couple of weeks ago and he said there was no one else. He could be lying, or he could be telling the truth. Both of which you cannot control. You can only control three things - your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

I do understand and empathize with your current runaway emotions and thoughts of negative outcomes. Us folks are so well versed at seeing negatives and predicting or extrapolating or imagining negative outcomes.

You can control your thoughts. You are in command of your rational self. One of the strategies for finding detachment is to rationalize one’s emotional triggers and bindings. Fear is usually at the root of such tying between feelings and thoughts.

To find detachment it helps to realize what it is you are working towards. Detachment is when one is no longer uncontrollably emotionally dragged around by the words, actions, and/or behaviours of their spouse.

A key point of detachment is the uncontrollably part. Detachment brings about control of what is presently runaway emotions and thoughts. You can and will still feel, just not be dragged around. As I said, fear is usually at the heart of this. It’s scary to let go. However, let go or be dragged.

Detachment is not an overnight process. It takes time to rationalize and realize one’s feelings and why one feels/fears what they do.

The feeling of fear is the non-rational response to an imagined hurtful future. A fear response is perfectly normal. Part of a well evolved survival response - fear or flight. One gets a jolt of adrenaline to either run or fight the saber-toothed tiger. Problem is, the tiger happened weeks/months ago, yet you are still reacting to it.

This is again, normal and common for folks facing such relationship/martial uncertainties. Not particularly mentally or emotionally healthy, yet normal and common nonetheless. Our evolved world has little physical attacks like tigers and such, yet our instincts still exist and react to threats - real and perceived.

This is where fear ensnares one. Fear is insidious and paralyzing with its tentacles and enveloping darkness. A feedback of fear to an imagined possible future outcome. Such response lives outside of rational thought.

Fear.

So, back to control. You control your thoughts. And thought can influence one’s emotions. Just as one’s emotions influence their thoughts. You exert you direct control of thought to purposefully rationalize and thus sever the irrational tie/grip of fear.

How? Realize that anxious and panicked comes from living in the future. By the way, one living in the past feels depressed. So, you anchor yourself into the present. Deal with the things of present day, leaving the future to unfold. I do remember that is a pretty tall order when starting out.

Of course emotions need to be expressed. Do so in a safe and healthy manner. Work through your feelings. Physical activity is really good for releasing one’s feelings and clearing one’s mind. A walk or run, gardening, go to the gym, a punching bag, scream into a pillow, and so on. Somewhere safe and away from H and kids.

Part of this control / detachment comes with scheduling times to feel one’s emotions. I totally get how uncontrollably one does cry. In time, we start to control or defer our feelings throughout the day. To balance that, schedule time in the morning, say ten minutes, to just feel whatever you feel. Cry it out, then at the alarm, go about your day. That may require a few times throughout the day for a while until you get down to just one time a day. And then, no times a day.

Detachment happens like most things, slowly, and when one isn’t “trying” too hard to achieve it.

You will be ok M.

D

I have two male friends I talk to. You might want to think about 1 or two female friends that you would feel safe talking to. Individual counseling (IC) is another very important part of this process. I also spoke with my medical doctor right after Bomb Drop (BD), and he got me some sleeping pills and a mild anti depressant. Those definitely helped.


This is normal. Learning to quiet all the brain chatter is part of this process. Our imaginations are our worst enemy.

HUGS

Hi BL42 to answer the question about the night out and sweeping stuff under the carpet. We did talk about it, he came up with a plausible reason and I accepted it then because I had unwavering Trust. I do think this was the start of his potential infidelity though as it all changed from mid Dec. I try to talk but we came from very different upbringing and he struggles to show emotion. When it all blew up, and I was saying it was all my fault, he did say it wasn't as he should probably have told me earlier how he was feeling. I suspect I wouldn't have been open to hearing it at that time because I was so focused on his drinking.

Hi ready 2 change. I spoke to my mum yesterday and she was amazing. I had a good night where I was able to detach & managed to eat. She spoke a lot about what is said on here. Not forcing things, looking after me but also said that it was worth just having a chat to let him know I still want the relationship to work but not putting pressure on him. She did say it sounds like he is having an affair and that I would just have to ride that through. Felt good and able to do this last night. Unfortunately feeling shaky again now and despite my best efforts to avoid my urge to check, I let myself down and drove past his work to check his car was there. It was but still didn't give me comfort. I know I need to stop this behaviour. I can see it just fuels my fear but also can't stand the uncertainty. Feeling tearful and needy again which is so not like me. Thank you for caring.

Thank you DnJ, I feel you are full of wisdom and your language and strategies are what I do in my work. It's just hard applying to myself. I really value your posts being honest but also allowing hope. I went for a walk last night & have found therapeutic cleaning very helpful as a distracted too!

Hi all, bad day yesterday. Told our closest couple friends about H, who encouraged me to try and get him to talk. I did this last night. He said he still cares about me but the intimate side is shut off. I'm convinced he is seeing another woman & it's killing me because I can't imagine that our family life can compare to the excitement he feels in a new relationship and so keep predicting that the marriage won't survive. He's agreed to stay at home whilst our D(16) takes exams and prom but is in the spare room. Our friend wants to talk to him to check he's ok but I'm frightened of his reaction if he knows I've spoken to them. Any guidance on that? Managing to be neutral some of the time but it's mostly when I've convinced myself there's hope that it'll change. Also really fighting the urge not to check re ow. My mum said I should just let that be because there's nothing I can do & I get that in my head but how can he suddenly change after 26 years of absolutely adoring me? He even said last night that it changed 2 months ago. That's what makes me convinced there's another woman. Sorry ranting now, I just want a glimmer of hope. I come on here but sometimes get sucked into all the marriages that haven't worked and it sometimes feels too painful to read the posts.

MA1970,
Fair enough. It's a good thing to have trust in a long term relationship. But lessons learned, so next time trust your gut and don't let things like this slide.

Sounds probable.

My ExW wife said I'd been beating her down (not true) and hadn't been happy for 5 years (maybe true inside? who knows...but we'd certainly had vacations and fun times and a baby during that time) and it's partially her fault because she didn't tell me years ago and we'd never know how I'd react back then (though she knew how I responded post-BD) and it was too late now.

Point is...the "should probably have told me earlier" may or may not be true. But it's words. DOn't trust them. It's equally plausible he was happy and things were fine but he got into an affair and is now re-writing history and putting the blame on you for his affair.

Is he an alcoholic?

She's right on the not putting pressure on him, but you've already communicated you want the R to work so don't do it again...that IS more pressure.

She's right. Sorry...

Well...you don't HAVE to. It's up to you whether you want to ride it out or not.

Yeah...stop doing that. I completely understand the urge, but at best it's going to help briefly but set you back in the long term. Work on detaching and staying busy so you have less time to think about the situation.

I'm sure your friends care about you and want the best for you, and their advice is probably with the best of intentions, but one of the biggest rules here is "No R talks"

You can't talk him out of this. You touched the shove so don't do it again.

There's a 99% chance you're right. Sorry...

You're right. You can't compete, because it's a fantasy relationship not a real life one. The only way to win is not play the game. Step back, get busy, start moving in the other direction. Withdraw all your emotional support and make him FEEL like he's losing you and maybe he'll start to question things. The best chance you have to R is be strong and move forward with your own life.

Take back your power. Pack up his stuff in a box and give it to him with a smile.

Most here wouldn't recommend it. They won't be able to convince him; he's more likely to drop them as friends than listen to their advice.

There is hope. If anything it seems like men are more likely to come back than women. However, your best chance is to drop the fear and get strong and attractive and move forward with confidence you'll be fine without him. He's not going to question anything if he sees you as hurt weak person; he's more likely to question things if he sees you walking away with your head up and a smile on your face.

Good Morning MA

Oftentimes talks with family and friends regarding what to do end up propelling things in unwanted directions. Realize they care about you and want to stop your suffering. Quick fixes don’t work. And they likely haven’t walk your path before.

Family and friends can be excellent support for you. For your path. It helps to let them know what you need. For example, clearly stating I want to stand for my marriage and beliefs, and ask you to remind me and help me when I start to falter.


There’s always hope.

H changed to who he currently is displaying. Much to your shock. He can, and will, change again. People change all the time. None of us mid life folks are like we were back in our twenties.

There are also stages of life, definite major times of reflection and growth and change, when folks rise and sink depending upon their accomplishments, regrets, successes, failure, etc. One of the major stages occurs around mid life. At time when one looks back upon their life’s work and finds a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment from a life well lived, or regrets from decades of poor decisions and wasted moments. A spectrum from happy and content to bitter and mean as they enter their golden years.

Everyone needs to find acceptance of their own lost youth and opportunities. That’s part of life. For the unfortunate folks who struggle or have predisposition to emotion turmoil, they have a much more difficult path. Still, they can journey it. They can find peace and contentment.


The percentage of folks who have affairs the absolutely staggering. Realize the affair partner is a band-aid. They are being used. They are a mere symptom of a deep internal conflict within the cheating spouse.

Along with APs, drinking, drugs, spending, new friends, and so on, are often employed to try to ease their internal pressures of lost time or whatever they feel they’ve lost. They have so much internal pressure. Which is why the LBS steers clear of adding more. I know that’s difficult as we are fighting our own internal conflicts along this counterintuitive path.

If H is embroiled in an affair, you are highly unlikely to snap him out of it. And you’d need to let go the OW. If he is not seeing anyone else, you do not want to give ideas or create an untrusting situation. Again, you’d need to let go the OW - well the idea/fear of.


Your Mom sound wise.

You get it. You understand it. You see the logic and rationale. And it takes time for one’s heart to catch up with their head.

Decisions that are based upon emotions very often lead to regret.

Lead with your mind. While keeping your heart soft and squishy.

Logic and reason and understanding with kindness and compassion and empathy.

Focus on you. Give H’s path to a higher power. Become the best version of yourself.


You’ve left the door open. You’ve shown him the open door. Let him have some space and time to walk through it.

Give the Lighthouse story a read.

The Lighthouse Story

D

I've no idea how you do the fancy boxes quoting text but thank you BL42, I found your comments honestly and helpful. In terms of the is he an alcoholic question, I would say he's a functioning alcoholic. He gets up for work but drinks every day around 1-2 bottles of wine despite it upsetting me & the kids. Lots of past arguments about this & lots of failed promises to change. A little bit of gaslighting too where he told me the lack of sex was the reason he drank (also one of the reasons for the lack of sex). I'm slowly remembering the negative stuff in the relationship. It's funny isn't it how H seems biased to remembering the bad stuff and I've seemed bias towards the good stuff! Anyway, your words helped me a lot today and I certainly feel stronger now than when I posted.